The Alpha and the Omega: An absurd philosophical tale about God, the end of the world, and what's on the other planets (16 page)

“You don’t have to tell
me
twice,” he replied, excited about the prospect of getting some time in a real bed.

Ok. Good. Zack, he spoke to me again. He whispers. He tells me that God has not told us everything. He tells me that God keeps great secrets from us in lands unknown. He tells me to tell you with my mind so that God will not hear.

Lilly, I think it was just a bad dream; I had one too. I think we’re both just stressed out lately about the Church. “Maybe,” he added, deciding to try and press his luck with his sounded voice, “it would be good for us to sleep here in Heaven from now on. The villagers will never notice.”

“No, I want us to experience the real Limbean lifestyle. The villagers will trust us more if we are authentic.”

“Ok, fair enough. But today we
have
to be in Heaven.”

Lilly’s face hardened, but Zack quickly proceeded before the situation got out of hand. “Do you even remember what today is?”

“What?”

“You forgot. We have to be on Earth. Jesus is going to address humanity for the first time since the apocalypse.”

That day, every town, city, cloud-city, hilltop, valley, and videogame across the globe was abandoned. This was because nearly every human being in Heaven was with God in Israel for one of the most anticipated events in all of human history.

They gathered at the Sea of Galilee, where a simple wooden platform had been erected one mile above the water. It was plain – just a bare, standard-sized rectangular stage supported by four wooden legs extending to the water – and, with its height, would have looked like the least sturdy structure to ever grace the surface of the planet, if not for the fact that everyone there knew that those wooden legs were stronger than creation itself. The people whispered that Jesus himself had built the stage.

Zack, Lilly, Lucky, and Stan sat together on the ground near the water. They, like everyone else, had shrunk their size to create more room, and from this perspective, the Sea’s small waves looked rather large. Still, it was difficult for everyone to find space, so many of the spectators sat neatly stacked above one another, several miles into the air, on what looked like the invisible seats of a giant, magic coliseum. It was a good thing that this was Heaven, because they needed enhanced vision to see the stage. The crowd waited in anticipation.

“So,” Stan said, “aren’t you going to ask me about how Superpro H3000’s going?”

“Course dude,” Zack said, “how is it?”

“Glad you asked,” Stan said, smiling widely and ironically. “It’s awesome. I’m lighting it up in preseason! I’m a warrior!”

“Solid dude,” Zack declared resoundingly.

Lilly gave him a funny look. Who
are
you? You never talk like that.

I’m cooler than you think babe!

Phhhhhhhh!

“Yeah Zack,” Stan continued, “you gotta come try it! Take a break from the whole Limbio thing or whatever sometime. Once you’re in, you’re never gonna wanna leave. It’s sick!”

Lucky shifted his legs restlessly.

“I don’t know,” Zack said, “I’m pretty busy on Limbo.”

Lucky nodded, subtly, but with conviction.

“Ok,” Stan said, “but did you know there’s a Jurassic Park game?”

Zack’s eyes widened.

“Oh yes, my friend… oh yes!”

Lucky swayed back and forth, unable to contain himself. His eyes turned white. Then he jumped in. “The video-games sound like a lot of fun Stan. But you know on Limbo, we’re doing things that actually affect real people’s lives.”

This surprised Zack. Was that jealousy he detected?

Haha! Lilly laughed, only for Zack. I guess Lucky isn’t used to sharing you. You’re so popular!

“That’s great bro,” Stan said to Lucky. “I just wonder, is it lonely up there all alone on your cross? Maybe when Jesus comes out you can help him with his speech.”

“Come on guys,” Zack said, “we’re all friends here.” This was Stan and human Lucky’s first meeting, and Zack had no
idea it would be this awkward. “So many people here,” he said, trying to change the subject.

“Yes, where are they when we need them?” Lilly said. “I mean, not you Stan,” she added quickly, “I know you have your game, and I’m not faulting you. But seriously, we barely have a handful of quality volunteers on Limbo! I tried to hold a rally in Manhattan yesterday, and no one came. But everyone can take a break out of their busy day of drugs and food and sitting on the couch for this? I sent out fliers, telepathic thoughts… singing telegrams with clever little jingles.”

Zack had a private laugh with himself – the jingles were not very clever.

“Yes,” Lucky said, “but remember that some people choose not to get those messages.”

“As much happiness as is consistent with everyone else’s…” Zack added, thinking back to how he almost never stopped on the street for solicitors in the pre-God days, no matter how worthy the cause sounded.

“Well, it’s not right,” Lilly said, capping her thought.

But the conversation was not over yet. “My child,” God said, appearing. “Do not judge them too harshly. Give them time.”

“They’ve had weeks and weeks, how long do they need!”

“Lilly,” God said, “when you lived in Brooklyn, did you ever go out to a nice dinner?”

“You know I did.”

“Well, at the time, thousands of children were dying of preventable causes, right? Hunger, disease…”

“No, that’s not fair. I gave lots of time… and money.”

“But you could’ve given just a little more, couldn’t you have?”

“Everyone needs some indulgences here and there to keep them going.”

“But how could you enjoy the taste of a gourmet meal more than the knowledge that you had saved a life? Wouldn’t the food disgust you? Wouldn’t it be hard for you to even finish it, knowing its awful price? That is, if you were truly a moral person. I don’t know Lilly. One might say that you were no better than a murderer.”

“No no no. It’s all about degree. These people here give
nothing
.”

Lucky nodded emphatically.

Stan looked away.

“That is fair Lilly,” God said. “But remember that none among us are perfect. You are an exceedingly moral person, but try not to hold everyone up to those same lofty standards, lest you or even I be judged similarly. Forgiveness is also an important virtue. Give them time.”

“I suppose.”

God nodded and disappeared. It was time to begin.

Jesus and several dozen other people slowly materialized on the stage. There were Christians and non-Christians, including Moses, Socrates, John the Baptist, Peter, Darwin, Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Jr., and the most recent Dalai Lama. Clearly, the message was unity. There were also non-famous people from various times and places, and in turn, each person on the stage gave a short reading or prayer. Zack and Lilly had little interest in this part, and they chattered covertly while they waited.

I don’t know Zack, do you really think all of this buildup is necessary? Why doesn’t he just speak?

Eh, Zack answered indifferently. A little buildup makes sense; he is pretty much the most famous person in history.

I know, but now that we’re in Heaven, everyone knows he was really just a man.

Um, not so fast Lilly, we are all God’s children, remember?

Ha ha Zack, you know what I mean.

And then it happened: the perfect storm. After a European monk from the middle ages finished speaking, the people on the stage shuffled to reveal the next presenter – a person that had somehow, until this point, escaped Zack and Lilly’s attention. “And now,” God announced, “from the modern-day United States, a lifelong devout follower… Debbie Parsons!”

No Zack. That can’t be. It just can’t.

Calm down Lilly.

Zack! After that whole lecture God just gave me about morality?

Lilly…

No way Zack. It’s a joke, it’s a test. These people around us aren’t real. That stage isn’t real. This whole thing is an illusion. Atheist hell Zack, atheist hell – that’s what this is!

“Thank you God. It’s such an honor to be here today.”

I try to help. I do everything I can. No one notices. No one cares. No one joins.

Lilly, God notices, he recognizes.

No Zack! These people… these self-righteous, pretentious people… what a farce!

“There’s an old saying, that you should never actually meet your heroes because they will never live up to your expectations. But just a little while ago, I met mine for the first time.”

Lilly’s eyes turned laser-red, like the numbers on Zack’s alarm clock. Sparks flew from her entire body. Then she sprouted featherless red devil-wings.

“And I can honestly say that –”

Lilly shot through the sky in a demonic rage to a place just above the stage. Then, half a second later, with just as much force as she had taken off, she slammed downward into the wood, bending gracefully onto one knee as it absorbed the shock. Then she rose and folded her webbed, dark-angel limbs behind her back.

Zack couldn’t help but notice that she was still as alluring as ever, extra appendages and all.

“Look at all of you! Congratulating yourselves on a job well done while half of humanity still suffers in hell! How many of you have given even one hour of your time to help those people on Limbo? How can you be happy here while there is even a single being in the universe still in torment? Those people are your brothers and sisters, your friends, your co-workers.”

She stopped to catch her breath and looked out at the billions of faces. They were very real, and she could feel them with her mind the same way that she and Zack had felt the ocean and the waterfall. They were all concentrating on her… judging her… wondering what she would say next. It was dead silent. Lilly had shut-up several billion people.

Zack, for his part, slowly made his way up to the stage during this tense interlude, trying to be as inconspicuous as possible.

“Those people on Limbo are also thieves and murderers!” a distant voice called out from the crowd.

“It’s a tragedy for even one person to live in hell!” Lilly replied.

Then, something happened that had not happened in nearly 2000 years: Jesus spoke to the world. “My brothers and sisters, listen to her, for she speaks the truth. When I walked the Earth in the days before the Kingdom of God, a rich man once told me about the large donations that he had made to help the poor. I told him that they were as nothing compared to the two pennies that a widow had once given me. ‘Why?’ he asked. ‘What are two pennies?’

“Because, I said, he had given out of abundance, while she had given her last two pennies in the world. Here in Heaven, my brothers and sisters, money is useless, but time is still valuable, and it is something that we all have in abundance. We must all give whatever we can.” He stopped, and the applause came like thunder.

The crowd clapped, cheered, whistled, and bellowed. They tossed roses, palm leaves, and little wooden crosses onto the stage; they released doves into the air, and they sent Lilly their warmest thoughts: I’m so proud of you! her parents yelled. I’m so happy to have taught you! her teachers and professors gushed. I’m so happy to know you! Betty Hill, Maria Rodriguez, and Hillary and Preston King shouted. I’ll help you! several million new friends cried out. There were so many that Lilly had to shut her mind off to them before they overwhelmed her.

Then, Jesus walked up to Lilly and bowed to her. Not in her wildest dreams could she have ever imagined this scene. She smiled nervously and bowed back. Then God walked over and bowed to her as well, and for just a second,
she wondered again if all of this was an illusion. Then she bowed back.

“Now,” Jesus said, beginning his speech, “much has changed since my time.”

As he proceeded, another voice requested and was granted entry into Lilly’s mind – it was Debbie Parsons’s. Lilly, I’m sorry for whatever I did that made you hate me so much, but I think we can work this out. If killers and their victims can forgive each other, and I know that at least a few here in Heaven have done so, then I’m sure that we can find a way to get along too. I know you define your existence by conflict, but I’m not your enemy; I think that what you are doing down there on Limbo is great, and the global warming comment was
totally
just a joke. I really didn’t mean anything by it, and I’ll prove it to you. First thing tomorrow, I’m going with you and the other volunteers to Limbo.

Ok Debbie, I know I overreact sometimes, and I’m willing to let bygones be bygones. Thank you very much for offering to help.

After the speech, Zack and Lilly got to meet the historical figures on the stage, and Zack finally had his chance to debate the meaning of justice with Socrates, in the context of whether it was immoral for a person to enjoy expensive food while others in the world went without. Then Zack and Lilly retired to the hilltop to recharge before returning to Limbo.

“Zack, they were looking at me like I was crazy.”

“Well Lil, you have to admit, it was a little crazy. You flying up there with those wings and all? Where did all that come from?”

“I don’t know. I guess it was just a physical manifestation of my rage. But I’m not crazy Zack. People have treated me like I was my entire life, but I’m not. The happy people, they’re the crazy ones. The people who know all about all of the suffering in the world and still manage to go through life being happy and well-adjusted, smiling and saying ‘good morning’ like everything’s just fine… they’re the crazy ones. No, they’re not just crazy. If they can know about everything that goes on and still be happy, they’re demented psychopaths!”