The Arrangement (12 page)

Time slipped away and six months had passed from the first time he’d spotted Reed in the bar that Friday night, and now they were on the cusp of spring, yet Carter didn’t feel bored or restless. Instead, the opposite occurred. He anticipated his weekends with Reed and thought about him more than the work he had waiting for him at the office. Nothing about these escalating feelings had to do with their sex life. It was being with Reed, watching his animated face as he relayed a funny story about what happened during his shift at work, or listening to him sing in the shower, his voice painfully off-tune but so cheerful—these were the moments Carter hung on to like a lifeline while they were apart. Because before he caught his breath, their weekends were over and once again he was back with Jackson but still alone.

Now that Jacks had started spending so much of his weekends with his new friends, Carter tried to catch up on whatever work he’d brought home with him from the office, but more often than not he’d spend a good portion of the day thinking about what Reed might be doing when they were apart, or planning their next weekend together. Instead of concentrating on his campaign, Carter lost himself in pictures of the two of them in bed or on one of their expeditions in the city. He’d catch himself and grow angry, dismissing his thoughts of a more permanent situation between the two of them as stupid. Their arrangement worked exactly how he’d envisioned it, and yet here he was, getting personally involved.

“My weekends have nothing to do with what I have here at home. This is my reality, not what happens on that one weekend a month.”

Helen’s brows arched in surprise. “Are you ashamed of him?”

Her question startled him. Ashamed of Reed? Impossible. More likely the other way around if Reed ever discovered Carter’s less-than-normal childhood and what he’d been through.

“Not at all. He’s a good person—too good for me in fact. You know the type—perfect childhood, loving home, good parents and schooling.” He fidgeted, uncomfortable in his own skin, memories of his past struggles burning like acid in his blood. “He’d be ashamed of me and the life I led.” The man he’d become never forgot the boy he left behind.

“Oh, Carter. People don’t get to pick and choose their childhood. You made the best of a terrible situation. No one could fault you for that.”

And no one ever would because he’d never tell. None of the men he’d ever been with cared, and he certainly wouldn’t confess to Reed who was so damn perceptive sometimes it scared him. Reed would be the one who’d want to discuss and dissect; to probe and question until Carter’s whole shameful life lay bare and he’d probably end up humiliating himself by crying.

“I have to get Jacks to school, or he’ll be late.” If there was one thing he hated talking about, it was his childhood, but he gave Helen an awkward pat on the shoulder as he passed, not wanting her to think she upset him. “Thanks for the talk, but I think we’re both doing as well as we’re able.”

Avoiding her mournful eyes, Carter walked to the kitchen where Jackson stood at the table, placing his textbooks and notebooks in his backpack with precision. Every morning he went through the same ritual; each book had to be stacked in size order, and every notebook was color coordinated to match the covers Jackson made for each textbook.

“Ready to go, buddy?” He held out Jackson’s down jacket and scarf. “Better wear this; it’s still cold out today. And you took your medicine, right?”

Jackson scowled. “I’m not a baby.”

Surprised at this unexpected resistance, Carter found himself at a loss for words. From the first, Jackson had been a compliant, uncomplaining kid, who always did what he was asked without question. Now Carter noticed little things: Jackson balking at his chores or at being told to brush his teeth at night before bed. Having no desire to confront him, especially right before taking him to school, Carter decided to make light of it.

“Of course you’re not. I’m being overly careful, but humor me.”

Without answering Jackson took his jacket and walked away. Relieved to see he’d wound the scarf around his neck, Carter followed him and watched as Jacks said goodbye to Helen. He hugged her back and kissed her cheek, even giving her a smile. Stupid him, the little signs were what he wanted most from his brother yet rarely received.

The disappointment must’ve been evident on his face as Helen came over to whisper in his ear while Jacks finished zipping up his jacket and pulled on his gloves.

“He loves you. Sometimes it’s harder to show the ones you love the most how you really feel about them. My theory is he’s gotten more comfortable with you; less afraid you’ll leave him or send him away, but he’s not sure how to show you affection. He’s never had a father or a strong male presence in his life before. In this society, boys are taught, even at his age, not to show emotion. Jacks may be afraid to let you know how much he really loves you.”

He nodded and left without answering, Jackson at his side. What Helen said made sense, and Carter struggled with the concept of becoming more loving. You couldn’t teach that, it had to be inside you. Funny how Reed popped into his mind. Reed knew how to love; Carter sensed he possessed an endless source waiting for the right person to set it free. At the corner, he automatically took Jacks’s hand and waited for the light to change. The little hand in his felt so right and he held it tighter. Carter worried at his ability to show love, even to Jacks, whom he loved more than anything he thought possible.

The school was several blocks away, and they fell into step with the other adults and children streaming down the block. The old gray concrete behemoth loomed ahead of them, its iron gates surrounding the schoolyard. The first time he approached it years ago, it intimidated even him, but Helen reassured him it boasted wonderful teachers and award-winning special programs geared to Jackson’s needs. The reason he left Manhattan and moved to Brooklyn was so Jackson could have this school and a yard to play in.

From the start, Carter had been determined to mainstream Jacks. Because they had so little to work on, and having no medical history, his doctors did the best they could in diagnosing and treating Jacks, and now Carter believed he was seeing the fruits of their labor. More confident and with a growing self-image he’d only begun to explore, Jackson may have finally reached a milestone.

Two boys rushed up to them, and Carter recognized them from earlier play dates.

“Hi, Henry, David. How’re you boys doing?”

“Good,” said one he thought was Henry. “Can Jacks come over today after school? We can do homework, then play.”

He needn’t bother asking Jacks if he wanted to go. The shining eyes and hopeful smile on his face spoke volumes. For a moment a small ding of jealousy darted through Carter. There used to be a time when Jacks preferred his company to anyone else’s, and he mourned the loss of having his little brother not only as a bright and lively little companion, but as a way to keep his own life busy, meaningful, and less lonely.

“I don’t know…”

Don’t be an idiot. This is what’s right for Jacks.

Immediately contrite, he forced a smile back at the boys watching him, with Jacks’s gaze the most pleading.

“All right, sure. I’ll text Helen and let her know. But you have to be home for dinner, okay?”

His words were lost in the chilly air as the boys cheered, then sprinted ahead to join the growing swell of students entering the schoolyard. Jacks hadn’t even said goodbye to him, and Carter stood on the sidewalk, feeling rather forlorn and forgotten.

“Don’t worry,” said a voice tinged with laughter in his ear. “They all leave us in the end.”

Shaken out of his pity party, he found himself staring into the eyes of a familiar woman around forty, wrapped up in a big down parka, her brown curly hair caught up in a messy bun.

“Was I that obvious?” He gave a weak laugh and rubbed his chin. “I don’t get the chance to take Jacks to school that often, so I thought it might be special for him, but I guess not.”

Smile lines fanned out from her sympathetic eyes. “You shouldn’t think that. I’m Michelle, Henry’s mom, by the way. We’ve met, but I’m not sure you remember me with all the running around that went on when you dropped Jacks off.”

“Yes, I remember now.” Henry’s house was an old Victorian with sprawling rooms, two large dogs racing about, and a hodgepodge of mismatched but comfortable furniture. To Carter, it immediately spelled family, security, and warmth.

“Boys are like that. And Jackson is a lovely child. I can’t imagine it’s been easy, but you’ve done amazing things raising him.”

At his quizzical look, she explained. “Henry’s been in class with him for two years now, so I’ve seen Jackson’s growth. He’s gone from scared and shut down to a young boy on the brink of stepping out in the world. And you’ve done this all alone, except for Helen?”

“Yes.” His phone buzzed, and he quickly glanced at it, noting he had a meeting at ten o’clock. “I’ve been raising him for the past three years since our mother left him with me.”

“Helen mentioned you’ve done everything by yourself. Not even a girlfriend to help you sometimes?” Her prodding became obvious at this point.

“Not likely. I’m gay.”

“Really?” She almost squealed in her excitement. “Well, if you’re interested, I’d love to set you up with my brother. He needs a nice guy.”

Before he knew what he was saying, the words came tumbling out. “I’m seeing someone, but thanks.”

What the fuck?

Before Michelle could bombard him with questions, he cut her off. “Uh, it was nice to talk to you, but I have to get to work. I heard Henry ask Jacks over after school, so Helen will be by to pick him up.” Before she could answer, he hurried away, weaving past the stragglers outside the gates. Reflexively he stuck out his hand as soon as he saw a cab approaching and had the door open almost before it came to a halt. Sweating now, after sliding into the back seat, Carter unbuttoned his heavy wool coat and took off his gloves.

“Second and 73rd.” The driver took off without a word, for which Carter was grateful. Upset with himself over his abruptness with Henry’s mother, he wondered if she thought him rude, then, more importantly, remembered he had to text Helen to pick up Jacks at Henry’s house after school. He sent her a quick text, then slid the phone into his pocket and leaned back in his seat, allowing himself to think about Reed, as he so often did now when he was alone.

What would be so bad if he did start a relationship with someone…with Reed? Immediately as he thought it, he shut it down. He’d have to be fucking crazy; Carter knew he was a moody, workaholic asshole whose sole focus in life was taking care of Jacks and being the best at his job. Except for Jacks, he put himself and his needs first. Now would probably be the worst time to bring someone new into Jacks’s life, at the precise time when he was beginning to find his way and take those first tentative steps toward independence.

His phone buzzed, and he glanced at it, surprised at the sight of Reed’s name popping up on the screen with a text. Reed? Why would he be contacting him? They barely texted, except to make arrangements for their weekend, which was still two weeks away. Two very long weeks of cold showers and lonely nights, where he often had disturbing dreams of him and Reed together in his house, raising Jacks. Being a family.

You made a mistake

His heart fluttered in his chest, and his fingers inexplicably trembled as he texted him back.

What?

You texted me

No I didn’t.

I think you meant it for someone else.

Alarmed, he scrolled up and saw Reed was right; he’d made a stupid fucking mistake. He always made it a habit to delete old texts and only kept the ones from Helen, Lucy—his PA, and now Reed. Maybe he was worked up from the whole morning and Jacks beginning to pull away from him, but whatever caused it to happen didn’t matter. He’d sent Reed the text meant for Helen about picking Jacks up after school.

For a second Carter hesitated, debating if he should disclose Jacks’s existence to Reed. He had no doubt Reed would be sympathetic, caring, and want to help in any way possible, and therein lay the problem. Having a steady man meant easy and uncomplicated sex; he wouldn’t have to think about finding someone for the weekend because that someone would already be there. And Reed had agreed to their arrangement, claiming he had no interest in a relationship or getting involved. Now Carter wasn’t so sure Reed understood how much distance Carter needed between them.

He shook his head in disgust. Nothing had substantially changed for Carter to consider including Reed in his life. With the new friendships he’d cultivated, Jacks needed him and the secure family Carter had tried to create now more than ever. Introducing Reed would upset their delicate family equilibrium. Getting Jacks settled with his friends had to be the main goal now, not Carter’s neglected cock. And if Reed couldn’t or didn’t get it, fuck it all.

Thanks for letting me know.

And like the coward he was he exited out of the screen without waiting for Reed to answer and re-sent the text, this time to Helen. Carter spent the rest of the cab ride into the city wondering why he felt so miserable.

‡