The Arrangement (20 page)

“What is it? You look pained.”

Reed stood in front of him. Funny how certain qualities of Jacks’s reminded him of Reed; how whenever Reed was in his arms Carter had an overwhelming need to protect him. Maybe it was a sign of how much he’d come to care about Reed without even realizing it.

“I, uh, didn’t eat dinner, and I’m a little hungry.”

“I can have the kitchen get you something; how about some sliders or chicken wings?”

“Sounds good; whatever. I appreciate it.”

Reed placed the order on the computerized screen, then hurried to the other side of the bar to serve more customers. After several minutes nursing his drink, he felt a tap on his shoulder.

“Are you waiting to get served?”

The man looked close to sixty, with gray streaking the dark curls of his neatly trimmed hair. His weathered face bore a friendly smile, and laugh lines fanned out from his amber eyes. Something about his face and build reminded Carter of Reed, and he wondered if they were related.

“Yes, I ordered some food.”

“They have great bar food here. I hope you tried the chicken wings.” He sidled in next to Carter and leaned his hip against the wide wooden railing.

“I think I did. The bartender is a friend and ordered me a plate.”

The man slanted a look down the bar, then focused back on him. Carter finished his drink and played with the edge of the glass, wishing Reed could get off early but understanding why with this crowd he couldn’t shirk his responsibilities. That solid work ethic was one of the things he admired most about him.

“Clay or Reed?”

“Pardon me?” He squinted at the man’s face.

“Are you friends with Clay or Reed?”

“Uh, Reed. Do you know him?”

The man smiled. “I do. He’s my son.”

‡

R
eed exited the
kitchen with Carter’s plate and stopped dead outside the swinging doors. Shit. What was his father doing here? Wary, he plastered a smile on his face and approached him and Carter.

“Um, hi, Dad. What brings you here so late at night?” He set the plate down in front of Carter and picked up his empty glass. “Another Grey Goose?” Not bothering to wait for a response he poured a healthy splash over ice, slid it over to Carter, then took a bottle of beer for his father and snapped off the bottle cap. Anything to keep his hands busy.

A smile curled Carter’s lips. “Your father and I met unexpectedly.”

“So I see.” He quirked a brow. “Dad?”

“I haven’t heard from you in a while and figured if the mountain won’t come to Muhammad…” He chuckled and held out his hand for the beer.

“I’ve been busy,” said Reed defensively. “Between school and work I hardly have a minute.”

“Is that all you’ve been busy with? Or should I say who you’ve been busy with?”

Carter choked on his drink, and Reed groaned inwardly. “Subtle, Dad. Carter is only a friend.”

Looking unconvinced, his father drank some of his beer, then placed the bottle on top of the bar. The music continued to play in the background, its pumping rhythm feeding the heat of Reed’s blood, enhancing every movement Carter made. From their first meeting they’d had a strangely special connection, but unable to decide what Carter’s visit tonight meant in terms of a potential future, Reed remained silent.

“Vernon is in the back. You want me to go get him for you?” The cocktail napkin shredded between his fingers, and he quickly shook away the clinging bits of paper before his father could mention it.

“There’s no rush. I was having a nice conversation with…Carter, is it?” At Carter’s nod he smiled. “I was about to ask Carter how you two know each other.”

Oh, Christ. Reed sent Carter pleading signals with his eyes, hoping his usually astute antennae picked up his distress.

“Oh, I’ve been coming to the bar now for several months, and Reed is my favorite bartender by far. It’s like he anticipates my needs before I even know what I want.”

Thankful the dim lights in the bar hid his somewhat pained expression, Reed tipped his head to the back. “Really, Dad. Vernon would get upset if he knew you were here and didn’t say hello. Besides, Carter was just leaving, weren’t you?”

Looking crestfallen, Carter’s grin faded. “Oh. I thought we could maybe hang out later.”

“Why don’t I text you when I get off shift, and if you’re around, we can make plans.”

That was as close as Reed would get to saying he’d see Carter later. The last thing he needed was for his father to draw conclusions about a relationship that no longer existed.

Perhaps recognizing he’d been dismissed, Carter slid off his stool, and leaving the platter of food mostly untouched, took some bills out of his wallet and placed them on the bar. “I hope to hear from you. I think we have some things to discuss.”

At Carter’s words, hope flared within Reed that Carter had listened and thought over what they’d talked about in his office and decided to let Reed into his life.

“You think, or you know?” He’d never been this daring or demanding, but Reed had never wanted to give anyone his heart before. He thought when he’d fall in love it would be soft and sweet, a coming together of two people who’d discovered each other. Instead it had proven to be messy and difficult, full of tears and hurt, of longing and thwarted desires.

Looking startled for a moment, Carter’s expression turned from hopeful to determined. “You’re right. I know we need to talk, so call me. I’ll be waiting in the usual place.” He made his way through the crowded bar, quickly disappearing from sight.

“You can’t tell me that man isn’t in love with you. Why didn’t you tell me you were in a relationship?”

Reed had almost forgotten his father’s presence and could’ve groaned out loud.

“It’s strictly casual, Dad. We don’t know each other very well.” He took a rag and began to wipe down the bar, studiously avoiding his father’s eyes.

“You don’t have to know someone long for them to fall in love with you or you to love them. It’s in the way they lean toward you, watching your mouth as you speak, or how their eyes light up when you enter the room. The brush of their hand on your shoulder when they pass you, or taking hold of your hand when bad news happens. Not having to ask if you’re upset—knowing it because they know you. Love has nothing to do with sex and everything to do with the heart.”

Reed stopped his pretense of wiping up the bar and clutched the rag in his shaking hand. “When did you stop loving my mother?”

His father slid onto Carter’s vacated seat. “I’m a funny man. It takes a lot to make me angry. But hurt my child, and I am done with you forever.” Dirty rag and all, his father placed a hand over his, and the memories of holding on to him while riding the roller coaster at Coney Island, of jumping the waves at the beach flooded through Reed.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked that.”

“Don’t be. The minute she walked out and left you, she became dead to me. Stop loving me—that I could handle. But how do you walk away from your child?”

“I wasn’t what she planned on.”

“No one has the right to claim perfection, and who’s to decide what’s perfect and what’s not, anyway?” His father’s grip tightened. “I wouldn’t trade one minute of you as my son for anyone else. You are my perfection, the only child I could ever want, and it hurts to think you still doubt yourself.”

He would not cry; he would not cry
. Reed braved a watery smile. “I don’t know that I do. I never let other people see the real me because I’m afraid to show them who I really am.”

“Who you are is kind and loving; a wonderful son and friend; a hard worker and a person who values someone for their heart, not their bank account. If a man doesn’t want you knowing that, he’s not worth it.”

Maybe he lost out on a mother, but he certainly hit the jackpot with his father. “Thanks, Dad. I think maybe I needed to hear that right about now.”

“You want to know what I think?”

Reed extricated his hand and picked up a neglected chicken wing from Carter’s abandoned plate, then set it back down. “You need to ask? Not like you weren’t going to tell me anyway.” He licked the sauce off his fingers.

Slanting a look at his father, they shared a laugh, and Reed’s heart lifted. Whatever happened between him and Carter, he always had his father.

“Talk to this Carter; don’t be afraid to tell him everything. I saw how he watched your lips and how he focused on your eyes.” He finished his beer and laid a ten-dollar bill down. “It’s your time, Reed. Take the brass ring right in front of you and grab it tight.”

Without waiting for him to answer, his father walked away, leaving Reed with his scrambled thoughts. Mechanically, he served drinks and smiled at the customers, but when one a.m. rolled around and his shift had finished for the night, Reed grabbed his jacket with a hurried “goodbye” and knew where he was going.

*     *     *

Not quite sure
what he planned on saying when he got to the hotel room, Reed knew what he wouldn’t be doing. When he texted Carter after he left the bar to say he’d like to talk, and Carter immediately responded that he was at the hotel, Reed knew what Carter had in mind. A night of endless sex to blur reality and make everything better on the surface. Only when the dawn broke and they had to face each other, their ugly truths would remain. For Reed to move forward, the time had come to peel back the surface to expose his core; if Carter would do the same, then he recognized they had something worth fighting for.

One knock and Carter wrenched the door open. “Come on in.”

Nervous as their first time, Reed’s breath caught. Carter’s haunted eyes held his, and lines not there the last time they were together etched grooves next to his mouth.

“What’s wrong?” Reed grasped his arm. “You look awful.”

“I should be happy you wanted to talk to me, yet I’m not sure…” Carter shook off his hand and left him standing at the door to return and sit on the sofa. A half-full bottle of liquor stood on the coffee table, and Reed remembered Carter said earlier he hadn’t eaten anything.

“Are you drunk? You never ate the food I gave you at the bar.” He followed Carter but remained standing by the entrance to the small living area. This was a different room than Carter normally reserved, a bit smaller and on a lower floor, without a view of the skyline. Reed’s concentration wasn’t on hotel amenities, and he focused on Carter sitting disconsolately on the sofa.

With a wave of his hand, Carter dismissed his concern. “Nah, I had a sandwich from room service. Can you come sit down, though?” At Reed’s hesitation, he gave a rueful laugh. “Don’t worry. I said earlier it was to talk, and I meant it. I’m not going to jump you.” He patted the seat next to him. “Please?”

Relieved he wouldn’t have to waste time fending Carter off, Reed joined him on the sofa. “If you’re not drunk, I have to tell you, you look like shit.”

Carter expelled a breath and leaned back with his eyes closed. Reed took this time to study him, wondering at the measure of a man and why he, above any other, had the power to make Reed want to break his silence about his illness and tell him everything.

“I fucking hated these past weeks. All I imagined was you hooking up with someone else, and it drove me crazy. I know I don’t own you and have no right to feel that way, but I can’t help it.”

With his heart hammering in his chest, Reed fidgeted with his hands, wrapping and rewrapping the cords of his bracelet around his fingers, but even this didn’t soothe him like it normally did.

“You’re not saying anything new, though. I wasn’t happy either, thinking of you here with another person. That doesn’t mean I can continue on the way we have.”

Carter opened his eyes. “It wasn’t supposed to be like this, was it? We were supposed to hook up and then forget about each other.”

Reed smiled sadly. “You’re kind of an unforgettable guy.”

Carter tilted his head on the sofa pillow, and their eyes met. “So are you.”

Silence shimmered between them like heat rising from the ground on a summer day. Reed’s heartbeat thundered in his head.

“What do we do about it? Anything?” He wet his lips. “Or nothing and say goodbye?”

Carter inhaled deeply, his fingers curling into fists at his side. “I’m going to tell you something that might upset you. If you still want me afterward,”—his unexpectedly shy, endearing smile ripped through Reed—“we can see about moving forward.”

What could it be? Was he an escaped convict, a murderer? He’d sworn already he didn’t have a wife or a child. “Go on. I’m listening.”

And Carter began to speak, his voice soft at first, then rising with pain and determination. As Reed listened to his heartbreaking tale of neglect, of a childhood without any love whatsoever, he ultimately understood Carter better and why he walled himself off from people and from life. No one could let him down or use him if he remained alone and apart. But what a sad way to live. Carter had so much love brimming inside him, waiting to be unleashed.

“So now you know,” said Carter when he’d finished his story. He took a deep swallow of his drink and cradled the tumbler between his hands. Hands which Reed knew from experience could be harsh and rough, or soothing and loving. He’d never met a man who was such a dichotomy.