The Art of Empathy (15 page)

Problems can arise when emotions step out in front of the seemingly real ones. Empathically speaking, when I see someone who uses anger (or happiness, sadness, fear, or any other emotion) in front of pretty much every other emotion they have, then yes, I want to ask about what's going on. You don't want to see the same emotion arising in every possible situation, because that's not how emotions work in an emotionally flexible person. But having just one emotion is a pretty rare situation. For most of us, emotions arise in pairs, groups, and clusters. Your job as an empathically aware person is to understand which actions are required and then complete those actions to the best of your ability.

When you can successfully complete the actions that your emotions require, new and different emotions will arise—some in the subtle form of gifts and skills, some as identifiable moods, and some as intensely activated calls to immediate action. In many cases, more than one emotion will be active at any given time. That's natural; that's how emotions work. And knowing how emotions work will help you develop all aspects of your emotional and empathic skills.

As we move forward in emotional awareness, we'll unvalance emotions, learn how to channel them, understand them at many different levels of activation,
and know that it is perfectly normal for them to arise in pairs, groups, or clusters. In the next chapter, we'll look at emotions in terms of the gifts they bring you and the actions they require. We'll also explore a group of emotionally supportive and pertinent questions to ask when each of your emotions is activated.

C
HAPTER
4

The Empath's Guide to Emotions

Why Emotions Arise

THIS BOOK IS about empathy, which is honed in interactions with others. But your first interaction is intrapersonal—it's between you and your own emotions. Your emotional awareness is a key aspect of your capacity to accurately identify and work with the emotions, thoughts, and intentions of others. As I pointed out in
Chapter 1
, the emotional sphere is where many people lose their empathic abilities. Our emotional training is often insufficient and confusing (and even backward), and subsequently, our emotional understanding tends to be low. Often, when a troubling emotion appears, we may shut down our Emotion Contagion, our Concern for Others, and our Perspective Taking simply because we have no idea how to work with the emotion at hand. We might shut down because we've learned to valence the emotion as negative and unwanted, or we might shut down because we don't have any emotional regulation skills for that emotion. If we haven't learned how emotions work and why they arise, our reactions to them can lead us into the empathic badlands.

THE SIXTEEN CATEGORIES OF EMOTIONS

Now that we've looked at four problems that lead us into emotional confusion and empathic trouble, let's bring emotions into the light of day and observe them empathically and intelligently. In this book, I organize emotions into sixteen categories,
³⁴
but this does not mean that I'm ignoring nuance. In the “Emotional Vocabulary List” in
Appendix A
, I provide vocabulary words for many different intensities
³⁵
of most of these sixteen emotions. So, if you're looking at anger below, and you're wondering about frustration, peevishness, rage, or other intensities of anger, know that I'm
including those in the overall category of anger. When I look at emotions empathically, I look at what they do—how they behave and what their purpose is. Therefore, I include frustration, peevishness, and rage in the area of anger, which is the emotion that helps you set boundaries around your voice, standpoint, and sense of self.

I don't mean to oversimplify emotions and get us into another area of trouble. I'm organizing emotions into sixteen distinct categories so that we can more easily get a handle on them and develop emotional awareness. Otherwise, we might focus too much of our attention on nuance and vocabulary and miss the big picture—which is that emotions are reliable, action-requiring neurological programs that form the foundation of our social, emotional, and empathic skills.

Emotions are your tools; they're your empathic entrée into understanding yourself and others more deeply. These sixteen emotional categories will give you a working vocabulary and a working set of tools to begin understanding emotions empathically—as nuanced and reliable action-requiring responses to very specific stimuli. Emotions bring you multiple skills, abilities, gifts, and capacities. They motivate you, and they help you learn, decide, behave, interact, and relate to yourself and others.

ANGER:
The Honorable Sentry

Gifts:
Honor ~ Conviction ~ Healthy self-esteem ~ Proper boundaries ~ Healthy detachment ~ Protection of yourself and others

Action Required:
Anger arises to address challenges to your voice, standpoint, position, interpersonal boundaries, or self-image. Your task is to restore your interpersonal boundaries without violating the boundaries of others. This is the sacred practice for anger, which I very intentionally call the
Honorable
Sentry.

The Internal Questions:
What must be protected? What must be restored?

APATHY AND BOREDOM:
The Mask for Anger

Gifts:
Detachment ~ Boundary setting ~ Separation ~ Taking a time-out

Action Required:
Apathy is a protective mask for anger, and it arises in situations when you cannot or probably should not express your anger openly. Apathy can give you an excellent time-out, as long as you don't let it take you completely out of commission. The questions for apathy often unmask your legitimate anger (and other emotions), so be ready to work with those subsequent emotions as well.

The Internal Questions:
What is being avoided? What must be made conscious?

GUILT AND SHAME:
Restoring Integrity

Gifts:
Atonement ~ Integrity ~ Self-respect ~ Behavioral change

Action Required:
Shame arises to help you moderate your behavior and make sure that you don't hurt, embarrass, destabilize, or dehumanize yourself or others. Shame is a tricky emotion, because most of us learned about shame by
being
shamed. The healing practice for shame is to root out inauthentic and applied shame and to encourage authentic, appropriate, and healthy shame (and remorse) in yourself and others.

The Internal Questions:
Who has been hurt? What must be made right?

HATRED:
The Profound Mirror

Gifts:
Intense awareness ~ Piercing vision ~ Sudden evolution ~ Shadow work

Action Required:
Hatred is a very powerful emotion that arises in the presence of shadow material (things you cannot accept in yourself and demonize in others). Shadow work helps you reintegrate and detoxify this material so that it no longer activates your hatred program. There are two shadow-work practices in the next chapter—Burning Contracts and Conscious Complaining—plus another shadow practice called Ethical Empathic Gossip in
Chapter 10
. I've also included a list of excellent books on shadow work in the Further Resources section.

The Internal Questions:
What has fallen into my shadow? What must be reintegrated?

FEAR:
Intuition and Action

Gifts:
Intuition ~ Instinct ~ Focus ~ Clarity ~ Attentiveness ~ Vigor ~ Readiness

Action Required:
Fear arises to orient you to change, novelty, or possible physical hazards. Fear focuses on the present moment and your immediate surroundings.

The Internal Question:
What action should be taken?

WORRY AND ANXIETY:
Focus and Completion

Gifts:
Foresight ~ Focus ~ Conscience ~ Procrastination alert! ~ Task completion

Action Required:
Worry and anxiety arise to help you organize, plan for, and complete your tasks. Both are related to fear, but they arise to help you orient to
possible upcoming
change, novelty, or hazard.
Bonus:
If you feel anxiety or worry, you'll know that there is probably nothing to fear in the present moment.

The Internal Questions:
What triggered this feeling? What really needs to get done?

CONFUSION:
The Mask for Fear

Gifts:
Diffused awareness ~ Innocence ~ Malleability ~ Taking a time-out

Action Required:
Confusion is a mask for fear and anxiety, and it arises when you're overwhelmed by change, novelty, or too many tasks. Confusion can be a lovely vacation from overwhelm.

The Internal Questions:
What is my intention? What action should be taken?

JEALOUSY:
Relational Radar

Gifts:
Commitment ~ Security ~ Connection ~ Loyalty ~ Fairness

Action Required:
Jealousy arises in response to challenges that may destabilize your connection to love, mate retention, or loyalty. These challenges may come from external sources, from an internal lack of self-worth, or both.

The Internal Questions:
What has been betrayed? What must be healed and restored?

ENVY:
Interactional Radar

Gifts:
Fairness ~ Security ~ Access to resources ~ Proper recognition ~ Self-preservation

Action Required:
Envy arises in response to challenges that may destabilize your connection to material security, resources, or recognition. These challenges may come from external sources, from an internal lack of self-regard, or both.

The Internal Questions:
What has been betrayed? What must be made right?

PANIC AND TERROR:
Frozen Fire

Gifts:
Sudden energy ~ Fixed attention ~ Absolute stillness ~ Healing from trauma

Action Required:
Panic and terror arise when your physical life is directly and immediately threatened. You have three choices: fight, flee, or freeze.

The Internal Questions:
(during the emergency): Just listen to your body—don't think; just react. Your instinctual body is a survival expert, and it will keep you safe.

The Internal Questions:
(for post-traumatic stress disorder [PTSD]): What has been frozen in time? What healing action must be taken? In cases of PTSD, the somatic work of Peter Levine (which is referenced in the Further Resources section) is invaluable.

SADNESS:
The Water Bearer

Gifts:
Release ~ Fluidity ~ Grounding ~ Relaxation ~ Rejuvenation

Action Required:
Sadness arises when it's time to let go of something that isn't working anyway. If you can truly let go, relaxation and rejuvenation will surely follow.

The Internal Questions:
What must be released? What must be rejuvenated?

GRIEF:
The Deep River of the Soul

Gifts:
Complete immersion in the river of life, death, and eternity

Action Required:
Grief arises when something has been lost irretrievably or when someone has died. Grief and sadness are intimately related, but with sadness, you still have a choice about letting go. Grief arises when the loss is completely out of your hands, and you need to mourn.

The Internal Questions:
What must be mourned? What must be released completely?

SITUATIONAL DEPRESSION:
Ingenious Stagnation

Gifts:
The Ingenious Stop Sign of the Soul

Action Required:
Situational depression arises when some aspect of your life is already unworkable or dysfunctional; depression stops you for a vital reason.

The Internal Questions:
Where has my energy gone? Why was it sent away?

Important note:
Situational depression refers specifically to a low mood that tracks to something you can affect with changes to your lifestyle or behavior. There are many other forms of depression, many of which require therapeutic or medical intervention. If your depression is cyclical or if it doesn't respond to healing changes you make, please seek counseling or therapeutic support.

HAPPINESS:
Anticipation and Possibility

Gifts:
Delight ~ Amusement ~ Hope ~ Wonder ~ Playfulness ~ Invigoration

Action Required:
Happiness arises to help you look forward to the future with hope and delight.

The Internal Statement:
Thank you for this lively celebration!

CONTENTMENT:
Pleasure and Appreciation

Gifts:
Enjoyment ~ Satisfaction ~ Self-respect ~ Pride ~ Confidence ~ Fulfillment

Action Required:
Contentment arises to help you look toward yourself with pride and satisfaction.

The Internal Statement:
Thank you for renewing my faith in myself!

JOY:
Affinity and Communion

Gifts:
Expansion ~ Communion ~ Inspiration ~ Splendor ~ Radiance ~ Bliss

Action Required:
Joy arises to help you feel a blissful sense of expansiveness and connection to others, to ideas, or to experiences.

The Internal Statement:
Thank you for this radiant moment!

Be aware:
Extreme joy (exhilaration) is a state to approach with care, especially if it cycles with depression or sadness. Repetitive exhilaration or flights of giddy mania may be a sign of emotional dysregulation. Please take care of yourself and reach out for help if necessary.

Emotions form the basis of many of your cognitive and social abilities, yet, as we all know, emotions can also be very problematic. In the next section, which originated on my blog,
³⁶
we'll take an empathic look at emotions that are out of kilter.

HOW MUCH EMOTION IS TOO MUCH?

All emotions are necessary, important, and valuable. Although some very intense emotions (such as hatred and panic) need to be handled with care, in most normal situations, you can understand and work with your emotions on your own. However, there are times when you'll need assistance with your emotions. The way to know when you need help is simple: when your emotions repeat incessantly and do not resolve, or when they overwhelm you or the people in your life, it's time to find out what's going on.