The Art of Happiness (13 page)

One afternoon following his public lecture, I arrived at the Dalai Lama's hotel suite for my daily appointment. I was a few minutes early. An attendant discreetly glided into the hallway to relate that His Holiness was occupied in a private audience and would be several more minutes. I assumed my familiar post outside his hotel suite door and used the time to review my notes in preparation for our session, trying at the same time to avoid the suspicious gaze of a security guard—the same look perfected by convenience store clerks for use on junior high school students loitering around the magazine racks.

Within a few moments, the door opened and a well-dressed middle-aged couple were shown out. They looked familiar. I remembered that I had been briefly introduced to them several days earlier. I had been told that the wife was a well-known heiress and the husband an extremely wealthy, high-powered Manhattan attorney. At the time of introduction we had only exchanged a few words, but they had both struck me as unbelievably haughty. As they emerged from the Dalai Lama's hotel suite, I noted a startling change. Gone was the arrogant manner and smug expressions, and in their place were two faces suffused with tenderness and emotion. They were like two children. Streams of tears ran down both faces. Although the Dalai Lama's effect on others was not always so dramatic, I noticed that invariably others responded to him with some shift of emotion. I had long marveled at his ability to bond with others, whatever their walk of life, and establish a deep and meaningful emotional exchange.

While we had spoken of the importance of human warmth and compassion during our conversations in Arizona, it wasn't until some months later at his home in Dharamsala that I had an opportunity to explore human relationships with him in greater detail. By that time I was very eager to see if we could discover an underlying set of principles that he uses in his interactions with others—principles that might be applied to improve any relationship, whether it be with strangers, family, friends, or lovers. Anxious to begin, I jumped right in:

“Now, on the topic of human relationships ... what would you say is the most effective method or technique of connecting with others in a meaningful way and of reducing conflicts with others?”

He glared at me for a moment. It wasn't an unkindly glare, but it made me feel as if I had just asked him to give me the precise chemical composition of moon dust.

After a brief pause, he responded, “Well, dealing with others is a very complex issue. There is no way that you can come up with one formula that could solve all problems. It's a bit like cooking. If you are cooking a very delicious meal, a special meal, then there are various stages in the cooking. You may have to first boil the vegetables separately and then you have to fry them and then you combine them in a special way, mixing in spices and so on. And finally, the end result would be this delicious product. Similarly here, in order to be skillful in dealing with others, you need many factors. You can't just say, ‘This is the method' or 'This is the technique.‘”

It wasn't exactly the answer I was looking for. I thought he was being evasive and felt that surely he must have something more concrete to offer. I pressed on: “Well, given that there is no single solution to improving our relationships, are there perhaps some more general guidelines that might be useful?”

The Dalai Lama thought for a moment before replying, “Yes. Earlier we spoke of the importance of approaching others with the thought of compassion in one's mind. That is crucial. Of course, just telling someone, ‘Oh, it's very important to be compassionate; you must have more love' isn't enough. A simple prescription like that alone isn't going to work. But one effective means of teaching someone how to be more warm and compassionate is to begin by using reasoning to educate the individual about the value and practical benefits of compassion, and also having them reflect on how they feel when someone is kind to them and so on. In a sense this primes them, so there will be more of an effect as they proceed in their efforts to be more compassionate.

“Now in looking at the various means of developing compassion, I think that empathy is an important factor. The ability to appreciate another's suffering. In fact, traditionally, one of the Buddhist techniques for enhancing compassion involves imagining a situation where there is a sentient being suffering—for instance, like a sheep about to be slaughtered by the butcher. And then try to imagine the suffering that the sheep may be going through and so on ...” The Dalai Lama stopped for a moment to reflect, absently running a string of prayer beads through his fingers. He commented, “It occurs to me that if we were dealingwith someone who was very cold and indifferent, then this kind of technique may not be very effective. It would be as if you were to ask the butcher to do this visualization: the butcher is so hardened, so used to the whole thing, that itwouldn't have any impact. So, for example, it would be very difficult to explain and utilize that technique for some Westerners who are accustomed to hunting and fishing for fun, as a form of recreation ...”

“In that case,” I suggested, “it might not be an effective technique to ask a hunter to imagine the suffering of his prey, but you might be able to awaken feelings of compassion by beginning with having him visualize his favorite hunting dog caught in a trap and squealing with pain ...”

“Yes, exactly ...” agreed the Dalai Lama. “I think depending on the circumstances one might modify that technique. For instance, the person may not have a strong feeling of empathy towards animals but at least may have some empathy towards a close family member or friend. In that case the person could visualize a situation where the beloved person is suffering or going through a tragic situation and then imagine how he or she would respond to that, react to that. So one can attempt to increase compassion by trying to empathize with another's feeling or experience.

“I think that empathy is important not only as a means of enhancing compassion, but I think that generally speaking, when dealing with others on any level, if you're having some difficulties, it's extremely helpful to be able to try to put yourself in the other person's place and see how you would react to the situation. Even if you have no common experience with the other person or have a very different lifestyle, you can try to do this through imagination. You may need to be slightly creative. This technique involves the capacity to temporarily suspend insisting on your own viewpoint but rather to look from the other person's perspective, to imagine what would be the situation if you were in his shoes, how you would deal with this. This helps you develop an awareness and respect for another's feelings, which is an important factor in reducing conflicts and problems with other people.”

 

 

 

Our interview that afternoon was brief. I had been fitted into the Dalai Lama's busy schedule at the last minute, and like several of our conversations, it occurred late in the day. Outside, the sun was beginning to set, filling the room with a bittersweet dusky light, turning the pale yellow walls a deep amber, and illuminating the Buddhist icons in the room with rich golden hues. The Dalai Lama's attendant silently entered the room, signaling the end of our session. Wrapping up the discussion, I asked, “I know that we have to close, but do you have any other words of advice or methods that you use to help establish empathy with others?”

Echoing the words he had spoken in Arizona many months before, with a gentle simplicity he answered, “Whenever I meet people I always approach them from the standpoint of the most basic things we have in common. We each have a physical structure, a mind, emotions. We are all born in the same way, and we all die. All of us want happiness and do notwant to suffer. Looking at others from this standpoint rather than emphasizing secondary differences such as the fact that I am Tibetan, or a different color, religion, or cultural background, allows me to have a feeling that I'm meeting someone just the same as me. I find that relating to others on that level makes it much easier to exchange and communicate with one another.” With that, he rose, smiled, clasped my hand briefly, and retired for the evening.

 

 

The following morning, we continued our discussion at the Dalai Lama's home.

“In Arizona we spoke a great deal about the importance of compassion in human relationships, and yesterday we discussed the role of empathy in improving our ability to relate to one another ...”

“Yes,” the Dalai Lama nodded.

“Besides that, can you suggest any additional specific methods or techniques to help one deal more effectively with other people?”

“Well, as I mentioned yesterday, there is no way that you can come up with one or two simple techniques that can solve all problems. Having said that, however, I think there are some other factors that can help one deal with others more skillfully. First, it is helpful to understand and appreciate the background of the people you are dealing with. Also, being more open-minded and honest are useful qualities when it comes to dealing with others.”

I waited, but he didn't say anything more.

“Can you suggest any other methods of improving our relationships?”

The Dalai Lama thought for a moment. “No,” he laughed.

I felt that these particular bits of advice were too simplistic, commonplace really. Still, as that seemed to be all he had to say on the subject for the moment, we turned to other topics.

 

 

 

That evening, I was invited to dinner at the home of some Tibetan friends in Dharamsala. My friends arranged an evening that proved to be quite lively. The meal was excellent, featuring a dazzling array of special dishes and starring Tibetan
Mo Mos,
a tasty meat dumpling. As dinner wore on, the conversation became more animated. Soon, the guests were swapping off-color stories about the most embarrassing thing they ever did while drunk. Several guests had been invited to the gathering, including a well-known couple from Germany, the wife an architect and the husband a writer, author of a dozen books.

Having an interest in books, I approached the author and began a conversation. I asked about his writing. His replies were short and perfunctory, his manner blunt and standoffish. Thinking him rather unfriendly, even snobbish, I took an immediate dislike to him. Well, at least I made an attempt to connect with him, I consoled myself, and, satisfied that he was simply a disagreeable person, I turned to conversation with some of the more amiable guests.

The following day, I ran into a friend at a cafe in the village and over tea I recounted the events of the evening before.

“... I really enjoyed everyone, except for Rolf, that writer ... He seemed so arrogant or something ... so unfriendly.”

“I've known him for several years,” my friend said, “... I know that he comes across that way, but it's just that he's a bit shy, a bit reserved at first. He really is a wonderful person if you get to know him ...” I wasn't convinced. My friend continued, explaining, “... even though he is a successful writer, he has had more than his share of difficulties in his life. Rolf has really suffered a lot. His family suffered tremendously at the hand of the Nazis during World War II. And he's had two children, whom he has been very devoted to, born with some rare genetic disorder that left them extremely physically and mentally handicapped. And instead of becoming bitter or spending his life playing the martyr, he dealt with his problems by reaching out to others and spent many years devoting himself to working with the handicapped as a volunteer. He really is quite special if you get to know him.”

As it turned out, I met Rolf and his wife once again at the end of that week, at a small strip field serving as the local airport. We were scheduled on the same flight to Delhi, which turned out to be canceled. The next flight to Delhi wasn't for several days, so we decided to share a car to Delhi, a grueling ten-hour ride. The few bits of background information that my friend had shared with me had changed my feeling toward Rolf, and on the long ride down to Delhi I felt more open toward him. As a result, I made an effort to sustain a conversation with him. Initially, his manner remained the same. But with just that little bit of openness and persistence, I soon discovered that, as my friend had said, his standoffishness was more likely due to shyness than snobbery. As we rattled through the sweltering, dusty northern Indian coun tryside, moving ever deeper into conversation, he proved to be a warm, genuine human being and a stalwart traveling companion.

By the time we reached Delhi, I realized that the Dalai Lama's advice to “understand the background of people” was not as elementary and superficial as it first appeared. Yes, it was simple perhaps, but not simplistic. Sometimes it is the most basic and straightforward of advice, the kind that we tend to dismiss as naive, that can be the most effective means of enhancing communication.