The Art of Unpacking Your Life (34 page)

He had no fear. Sara was in awe of his honesty.

‘I went back to Gae and I called my parents. It's happened. I've met her. I ended it with Jess. She was expecting it. It was a relief for both of us.'

‘You were that sure?' she whispered.

‘Yes. I realised when I saw you that I never loved her.' He kissed her, before frowning. ‘This is going to make it harder for both of us when you leave tomorrow.'

‘What? I'm not going to leave now. Not after this.'

He stroked her hair. ‘Sara, if you run away with me now, it won't work, you know that. You'll always wonder what would have happened if you had faced the music in London. It will be unfinished business. I don't want us to start our life together like that.'

She jerked her legs out from under his, moved to get out of bed and away from him. He was quicker than she was. He grabbed her and turned her back round to him, tightly squeezing her to his chest.

‘Hey stop, where are you going? Listen to me, Sara,' He lifted her chin gently making her look at him. ‘I am never, ever going to let go of you.'

‘Where will you be?' She clung on to the practical details.

‘You have made me realise it's time for me to get back home. I need to get stuck back into the farm.'

Her disappointment was irrational. He couldn't come with her to London. She couldn't ask him to sit around in her house for two months. What man would do that? Let alone Gus.

He smiled gently. ‘Sara, I'm going to go to drive you as far as Jo'Burg and see you on to your plane.'

‘What a concession,' she tried to smile. ‘Are you sure?'

‘Yes,' he pulled her close.

‘You're prepared to let me go back to London alone?' She was sure. ‘Do I have to beg, Gus Hamilton?'

He looked genuinely confused.

‘If you are leaving Gae anyway, why not have a break in London? You could sightsee, maybe you can look up friends there? In a couple of months, the tribunal will be over. We could come back together to your farm.'

One night of intimacy had her planning out their lives together. It wasn't rational. So what? She thought of Luke. He didn't get his chance to be happy with Connie. The least she could do is snap up her own happiness.

He was grinning. ‘Is that a serious suggestion?'

She nodded vigorously. ‘Then we can see where we are.' He was about to speak. She had to get in a last pitch. ‘Look I'll even cook. And I hate cooking. Failing
that I'll order great takeaways. We can explore at weekends. I won't drag you up north to meet my mother or anything like that.'

‘Why not? I want to meet your mother.'

‘You are an endangered species.' She paused. ‘I won't bore on about the case or my legal career. We will have fun. Really.'

‘Really? Don't make too many rash promises Sara.' He laughed.

She couldn't bear it any longer. ‘Well?'

‘The answer was yes a week ago.'

Connie knocked on the door. She wondered if she was interrupting anything, but Sara would hardly have acted on her heavy hint. She would have only mocked poor Gus more. Connie knocked again.

‘It's open, silly. I'm not planning to lock you out. Yet.' Sara swung the door open. ‘Connie. What the hell?'

Connie smiled nervously. Her plans didn't seem strong enough to withstand Sara's scrutiny. ‘I'm taking a break from Jo'Burg for a night. I am not allowed to see Luke and I feel closer to him here.'

Sara led her by the arm through the glass doors on to the terrace, squarer than the one outside Julian's and her little house. The table was a mosaic of suncream, notebooks, a pen, two dirty plates and two glasses. Connie was about to enquire about the user of the other glass, but any insinuation would ruin their precious time together.

‘You're not packed yet?' Connie realised that she always focused on domestic details.

‘I've extended my holiday by another night,' Sara stated. ‘I don't want to miss Isobel's funeral, of course.'

‘I've spoken to Matt at length,' Connie hurried on. ‘He understands that I cannot even briefly leave Africa without Luke.'

‘Of course he does,' Sara sounded reassuring. ‘What's going on? Talk to me now, Connie.'

She forced a smile. When had they last sat around talking, the two of them together? She was always listening to Sara's wit but never properly looking at her. She was beautiful: her delicate white skin, shining green eyes, bony collarbones extending across her broad frame like a hanger for her deep curves. Strong, clever and beautiful with a certainty about her place in the world that Connie profoundly envied.

‘Okay. I will make it easier for you. I've relied on “us” being the constant in my life without appreciating how much I love you all. You are my family.'

Connie was moved. Sara never talked about her feelings. Connie wanted to tell Sara what she felt about Luke, but she didn't know where to start. She expected Sara to speak, but she watched Connie attentively. Her legs were crossed and she was leaning forward, resting her elbow on her top knee and her face in her hand. She realised that this trip had been great for Sara, at least. And for her? If she could somehow make sense of it, perhaps there was hope.

‘Luke and I. We made love.' As she spoke, she saw him naked before her, physically and emotionally. ‘I couldn't help it, Sara. Why shouldn't we be together?'

Sara didn't say anything.

‘When I kissed Luke, I remembered the beautiful, happy past I had, and I felt there was another future for me and for Luke. For both of us.'

‘Go on, Connie,' Sarah said.

‘I feel this physical and mental ache for him. I don't think I'll ever get over this sense of emptiness,' she sniffed, and delved into her bag for a packet of tissues. ‘I
know you are going to say I'm being self-indulgent. I keep thinking about what you said to me when I dumped Luke for Julian. “Your problem, Connie, is you can't be on your own. What's wrong with your own company for a change?”'

‘Oh please, Connie, don't quote me.' Sara looked mortified. ‘That was twenty years ago. Anyway, I say things that sound great but I don't think them through. It's hard to love someone. It's a cop out to be on your own.'

Connie spoke quickly. ‘It's a cop out to hide behind your children, your housekeeper and your friends. Unlike you, I've always had a mortal fear of exposing myself. I'm not good at anything, except keeping the peace.'

‘Connie that's not true.' Sara reached forward to squeeze Connie's knees. ‘Did you know about Sally? I promise not to comment.'

‘I genuinely don't know. Maybe on some level I did. I never let myself think it.'

‘And Julian?'

‘Banished to the basement. There he will remain, I think, for the foreseeable future. Who knows. It's probably the best option for all of us. If Luke was alive, it would have been different. I'd have been forced to boot him out eventually. But with Luke gone…what's the point of denying the children easy access to Julian? What's the point of destroying our family life?'

She looked up to give Sara a chance to have her say. Instead, she gazed at Connie without judgement.

‘You know, half my life is inextricably linked to Julian. In a strange way, he is still in my life, even if we will never be intimate again.'

Sara was silent, but watchful.

Connie breathed in. ‘It means my focus is no longer my domestic groundhog day. In a way, that is a great thing. It leaves a gap in which I can do something.' She tried to feel energised if only for Luke. ‘I am going to do something, Sara.'

Connie sat up, tense about trying out her idea on Sara. ‘I talked to Luke about my grandfather and his vision for the restoration of the Kalahari. I know I want to play my part and set up a black rhino foundation. Luke thought it was a great idea. I want to do it in his name now,' she said quickly, holding her hand up to stop Sara from interrupting her even though it was unnecessary. ‘I know what you are thinking, Sara.' She sounded sterner than she intended. ‘It's not a placebo for an abused wife. No. I want to set up a proper body using my political connections, with proper funding, putting political pressure on the South African government to act against the poachers, lobbying European powers to exert pressure and expose their crimes to global media. I have the connection with my grandfather, which will buy me some right to interfere. And I will be continuing his work.' She hesitated. ‘I know, you're probably wondering how I'll manage it with the children. They have such long holidays and I want them to be involved. This was their great-grandfather's old lodge. I want them to experience it and to understand the commitment to something bigger than their individual lives. To the planet, ultimately. Much bigger than my petty concerns.'

She paused. She wondered if it sounded ridiculous and impractical. She nearly asked Sara. She was guaranteed a truthful answer. She didn't. It didn't matter. She was going to do it anyway.

She added hastily, ‘Obviously there are practical considerations as well: I need a good name, logo, website. I need to find out what other organisations I can work with, which politicians are already campaigning on behalf of endangered wildlife. I realise that there is a lot to do.'

‘Connie, didn't it feel good to get all that off your chest?' Sara's hug enveloped her. She squeezed her back. ‘God, I love you.'

‘It's not a crazy idea?' Connie allowed herself to ask.

‘No. Even if it was, it doesn't matter. It's your idea. Every decision you make leads you somewhere else.' She laughed. ‘Did I just say that? It's bloody brilliant, Connie.'

‘What's bloody brilliant?' Gus rounded the back of the wooden terrace. He wasn't wearing his uniform. Two glasses, two plates and his feet planted territorially on the veranda. Connie tried to catch Sara's eye.

‘Connie is back for a night, as you can see. She's going to set up a foundation to save the black rhino, dedicated to Luke.'

Connie blushed. ‘Very idealistic. You know much more about the subject than I do, but I'm planning to come back once—' Connie felt the loss of Luke yet again. ‘Once we have buried Luke in Dartmoor.'

Sara and Gus spoke at exactly the same time. Sara: ‘It's really important work.' Gus: ‘I'd be happy to help you.'

He flopped on the sofa beside Sara, his knees bending towards her, his arm stretched along the wicker edge until his fingers reached her neck. Neither looked at each other. They didn't have to.

‘I'm not the only person with news,' Connie smiled encouragingly.

Sara feigned nonchalance. Gus allowed his hand to slip on to her neck. ‘You haven't told Connie? Are you hiding, Sara Wilson, eh?'

Sara burst out laughing. Connie hadn't heard her broad, relaxed cackle for a long time. Sara slid her left hand on to his leg. ‘Of course not. Connie was the first to know.' She winked at her. ‘Weren't you?'

Sara leaned forward and grabbed her phone, scrolled through her messages and lifted the phone to show Gus. Connie was mortified.

‘What Connie doesn't know is that I had to beg you to come with me to London.'

Gus laughed loudly. ‘You can imagine that, can't you, Connie, eh? Sara with her hands wrapped round my trouser legs. On her knees.'

‘It was worse than defending myself in court.' She looked happy. ‘I really did beg.'

‘Well, you were silly,' he grinned. ‘You only had to ask.' He kissed Sara on the lips.

Connie looked away. She was shocked. She had never seen anyone kiss Sara. Let alone with such possession. There seemed to be a part of Sara that only Gus could wheedle out of her.

Sara nudged Gus. ‘You're embarrassing Connie.'

Gus looked briefly at Connie. ‘No, I'm not.' His eyes were inextricably drawn back to Sara's. ‘She is shocked that you have given in to your feelings for me. Too right, Connie, eh?'

Connie realised that Gus understood Sara in the way that she did. It made her feel close to both of them. She smiled. ‘You must have drugged her.'

‘Excuse me,' Sara retorted. ‘I can't believe you said that. For the record, I did all the leg work. Utterly humiliating.'

‘Gus, are you moving to London?' Connie was in awe of Gus and Sara's decisiveness.

Sara jumped in. ‘Not moving, staying until I'm through with my disciplinary tribunal. We've got the rest of our lives to work out the petty details.'

Gus's whole face lit up. He seemed delighted by her every word. ‘Sara's declaration of love. I'm down there with petty details.'

In the glare of their elated, new love, Connie felt a sense of hope. Life was moving forward inexorably even if it was painful in so many ways. She had had the most amazing week of her life with her dearest friends. She had had precious time with Luke, before it was too late. She would never regret that. And she would always love him. She was closer to Matt, more intimate with his relationship with Katherine. Dearest Dan was on his journey to the peace he deserved. She would be a large part of his move to Tuscany, because they had shared his decision together. Perhaps the group's next reunion would be a working holiday on his new land. Or out in Africa with Gus and Sara. The idea made her smile. She was going to miss them so much. But at that moment, sitting on the terrace with Sara and Gus in the sinking light, she didn't need more.

I am deeply indebted to Hilary Reyl for her tremendous literary smarts and constant support, my awesome agent Caroline Michel for being an unwavering champion
,
my editor Justine Taylor for her inspired notes and my dynamo publisher, Stephanie Duncan, whose creative brilliance and hard work has propelled
Unpacking
forward.

I am grateful to Christoph Brooke for finding me a writing room with a view in his hotel, The Elephant; High Road House for saving my corner table; Elin Davies for filling the gaps left by the book
.
And Bob Marshall Andrews QC for bringing Criminal Law alive.