The Ashes Diary (18 page)

When Chris was on 14, he had a scare very similar to the one he survived when I was with him on Saturday. A ball from Anderson went through him, hit something, and England were given the decision. Chris shook his head and quickly referred it to the DRS. For all the issues around the system, it can be credited with overturning quite a few incorrect onfield decisions. This time, just like in the first innings, the replays showed the ball to have hit Chris’ body, not his bat, and he was allowed to stay out there.

Soon after, he edged Bresnan into the slips cordon and Graeme Swann dropped it, diving to his right. It was uncanny, how these two let-offs followed the same course as in the first innings. Was history repeating for Chris? I certainly hoped so.

These nervous moments became fewer as the partnership went on. Chris and David ran aggressively between wickets and put the pressure back on the fielding team. As the runs started to accumulate, we felt more and more confident that we could win this Test match. Swann came on, and three balls into his spell Davey lofted him over extra cover for six. When I thought back to Davey batting at number six in the first innings at Old Trafford, it struck me what a difference there is between coming in and facing Swann straight-up, and first facing him when you’ve been batting for an hour and are seeing the ball well.

Chris was also getting Swann away for runs when he overpitched, and the boys went to the mid-afternoon drinks break at no wicket for 80 – still a long way from home, but in a very promising position.

One of the best things about Davey’s batting was how patient he was. Around this point, after motoring along at a run a ball, he went through a half-hour period when he hardly scored a run. Swann was bowling a full length, with a long-off out for protection, and Davey couldn’t penetrate the off side field. What was most encouraging was that he didn’t lose patience or play a bad shot. He just stuck with his plans and waited. Soon enough, he got one through the off side for a boundary. On strike to Broad, he upper-cut a short one safely over the slips cordon for four, and the runs began to flow again. He brought up his 50 with a back-foot punch through cover point off Bresnan. We were past the hundred – a third of the way to victory – with all ten wickets intact.

Chris looked like he was headed to another half-century too. Swann bowled a half-tracker which he swung away for four to reach 49. It was terrific to see him following up his century with more outstanding batting. But there’s always the threat of a good ball around the corner with Swann, and the next delivery was just that, pitched up and turning away, and Chris edged it to slip.

At 1/109, we were still on track, however. Usman Khawaja looked very calm, tucking his first ball off his hip for two, and he and Davey enjoy batting together. Usman straight-drove a full toss from Swann very nicely for four, and the boys came in to tea with the score on 120 – very promising indeed.

There was nothing special or unusual in the conversation or planning. We came here today to win the Test match. At tea, as far as we were concerned, we were methodically going about winning it.

England began the last session with Swann from the Finchale end and Anderson from the Lumley end. Our boys resumed nicely. Usman got some runs away off Anderson, and Davey played a nice late cut off Swann, timing it well and bringing up a boundary behind point. It was against the run of play, then, when Usman missed a full-pitched ball from Swann, was hit on the pad, and was out LBW for 21.

My first concern, when I walked out to join Davey, was to keep the momentum going. The boys had played so positively, establishing a really good mood around the run chase, that the project was simple: keep it going. The second ball I faced was a long-hop which I pulled for four. It’s always nice to get off the mark so quickly, but this one brought up a significant milestone – 150, the halfway point.

Davey and I were feeling calm and confident together. He was dealing with Swann very well, and I got some overpitched balls from Anderson. In one over, I square-drove one ball for four, sent the next one down the ground, and made it 11 from the over when a low shooter came off the outside edge and ran through the slips. Davey hustled along and turned a two into a three – more good intent.

In the 44th over, we were 2/167. Swann and Anderson had both bowled for three-quarters of an hour since tea, and Cook decided to replace them both. From the Finchale end, Bresnan came on for Swann. I got his first ball away for a single. But three balls later, he sent down a cracker to Davey, one that was pitched well up, hit a lively spot and took off. Throughout the game there has been the odd ball that behaved this way, flying high and fast, unexpectedly, through to the keeper. Mostly it hasn’t taken a wicket. This time it was just close enough to Davey to get the edge. He’d played a terrific innings, one of his best, and although he was obviously disappointed not to have batted all the way through, he’d got us close enough so that the middle order should have been able to finish the job. Going forward, it’s great to see Davey batting like this.

Broad replaced Anderson at the Lumley end, and started off with a good straight yorker. There was all the usual by-play going on. My concern was not to be passive. I defended Broad’s sixth ball down the wicket. He stuck his boot out, but it went past him. Even though it was only just running past the stumps at the other end, I saw the chance for a single and took off. It was tight, but I felt it was important for Smithy and I to let England know we weren’t going to let them dictate the tempo of the game.

Just before the drinks break, England lost their second and last DRS referral. Smithy pulled at a short one from Broad, and umpire Hill ruled him not out, caught behind. The replay showed the ball to be hitting Smithy’s hip, not his bat. You never know if these things are going to be significant later in the game, but the way things have turned out in this series, it could be an advantage for us that England could no longer ask for any reviews.

At drinks, we were 3/174: just 125 runs to go. It was a long last session, due to the rain break, with about 16 overs left in the day – far too early for us to think about whether or not we could press for a win this evening, so Smithy and I just stressed to each other to keep playing positively.

First ball after drinks, my innings came to an end. I got a good one from Broad, who, as I’ve said before, has the ability to get outswing with the reverse-swinging ball. It was angled in towards me, I played down the expected line, and it just tailed away a little, enough to beat the bat and clip my off stump.

As upset as I was at getting out, though, I had full confidence. Watto batted so well in the first innings, he had Hadds behind him, and Smithy has had an excellent series. There was no reason for pessimism.

Broad had upped his pace, however. He bowled that over, to me and then Watto, at a full 10 km/hour faster than at any other time in the series. He was harnessing his increased effort and pace to maintained accuracy and control. The light was fading, and he was going to be a handful.

In his next over, he bowled a short one to Smithy. Steve wasn’t lucky: he played a pull shot, the ball was onto him a bit early, and it hit his arm. From there, it dropped down onto the stumps. So many times, from both sides, similar shots have resulted in the ball running away harmlessly. Not so for Smithy.

With two of our most experienced batsmen at the crease, we were well equipped to deal with the storm. But Watto and Hadds were both out LBW to umpire’s call decisions. Watto moved across his stumps to Bresnan, and Hadds fell to Broad; the onfield umpires gave both decisions out, but the ball tracker showed both to be making some contact with leg stump. Hadds’ one was particularly close to missing. As per the playing conditions for this series, the benefit of the doubt went not to the batsmen but to the onfield umpires. Their decisions stood. We were gutted, but those are the conditions we’ve agreed to, and it’s the same for both sides. It’s just hard to take when these sequences occur at moments when you’re fighting your backside off to win a Test match.

Still, we never give up. Sidds, Ryan Harris, Nathan Lyon and Jackson Bird all believed they could survive the tough period, get us through to stumps and somehow conjure a win. For all the wickets that had fallen, we needed less than a hundred to win. It was doable. But we just couldn’t build that vital partnership. At 7.30 pm, the umpires extended what was already a marathon session because they thought England had a realistic chance of winning. When the clouds closed in, they gave Cook the option to use his spin bowlers, so Swann and Joe Root came on. Then, when the sun came out again, they allowed him to use Broad and Anderson. In the end, it was Broad who dismissed a very, very disappointed Peter Siddle with a catch at mid-off.

Stuart Broad deserves a lot of credit for what happened. When good bowlers like that get on a roll, they’re hard to stop. Just four or five overs of hard work, and we could have seen him off. A decent innings from me, and we would have won.

Our mood was bleak, to say the least. I felt totally wrung out with emotion. But our standards are high in all things, and we are not a team to give in to the temptation to really let our disappointment show. I sucked it up and went out on the field to make a concession speech for the crowd, then a television interview, and finally a press conference.

I dread these press conferences. It’s not that the questioning is hostile. It’s more that they’re the same, almost every Test match. How does it feel to me to lose? What can we do from here? How can we avoid it happening again? Do we have the right players? And always, lately, there’s been some record from the past that we’re in danger of breaking – the bad kind of records, that is.

In answering, I’m honest, but there’s nothing more I can give, no new insights. I paid credit to Broad for an exceptional performance. Any bowler who gets his tail up like that is going to be hard to stop, and we couldn’t do it. Why? Well, it’s not poor preparation. Today we turned up with the attitude that we’re going to win this Test match. I can’t ask any more of the boys. Their preparation is faultless. Rhino Harris picked up another cream blazer award as man of the match for his bowling, while James Faulkner, who is always keen, took the pink jacket for the ‘one-percenters’.

At the press conference, I was asked if we should keep picking the same players, which is a bit unfair given that I’m not a selector. But I do believe we’re picking the best players we have. ‘You can’t just drop someone,’ I said, ‘unless there’s someone better to take his spot.’ We know we have to rebuild, but it takes time. We’re playing good opposition, the best in the world, and this is the painful way of picking up experience. The selectors picked the best squad for these conditions. You pick the squad, you keep the faith and try to get the best out of them. That’s all there is. How many players do we have with 50-plus Tests’ worth of experience, as England have? Only myself and Hadds – and, as I said in the press conference, you can’t just go out there with two players. And even then, I look at my own performance. If I’d scored 75 runs today, we would have won the Test match. It’s that simple, and I couldn’t do it. I made 27 runs in this Test match, which is unacceptable.

One of the last questions, of course, pointed out that no Australian team has lost a Test series 4–0 in England, so how much of our thinking for The Oval would be geared towards avoiding that record? I told them I’m not thinking about avoiding 4–0. It has no part whatsoever in my preparation. My focus is on winning this Test match because I want to win a Test match. The fifth Test match is as important as the first four Test matches. That’s all the motivation I need.

Tomorrow we’re having a meeting to discuss where we’re at as a team. I can’t imagine feeling lower over cricket than I do right now.

8

THE FIFTH TEST MATCH

Tuesday 13 August.
Gateshead.

What’s meant to be the last day of the Durham Test match is, unfortunately, a day off. I woke up very early, my mind racing, and went to the gym, where I trained hard to get some of the pent-up frustration out of my system.

Last night, the team and support staff got together for a couple of beers in the bar of the Hilton, where we’ve been staying in Gateshead. Our team manager, Gavin Dovey, ordered some pizzas, and the team were in reasonable spirits consoling each other. I wasn’t drinking alcohol; it was the last thing I felt like. I went to bed early.

All night I was tossing and turning, rolling over a number of things in my head about how we could have gone about that run chase better. The fact that we’re 3–0 down in the series is absolutely devastating. Before I got on a plane here, the goal was to win my first Ashes series as a captain, and my first as a player in England. I can’t reconcile myself to what’s happened. In Manchester, not winning back the Ashes was tough to deal with, but that feeling was eased a little bit by how well we played there. We came out of that match with some confidence, and truly felt that we would level the series. But now, losing the series is devastating. I feel sick in the guts, to be honest.

The washout in Manchester hurt, but this is a feeling I couldn’t prepare myself for. I had no idea it would feel this bad, and so personal. Last night, I asked myself why I played the shot I played, why I hadn’t contributed more runs. It wasn’t a feeling of anger so much as devastation. But yes, I am angry at myself for not performing as well as I’d have liked.

I’m extremely hopeful that we will learn from these times and they’ll make us a better group and better players. But the truth is I don’t know. It seems like we’re not learning. I’m a part of that. I’ve played 90-odd Test matches. Why wasn’t I the one to get through that period?

But beyond that, I’m devastated and disappointed that we’ve let ourselves down with the bat again. If I want to face up to it, it’s been happening for three or four years, about ten times in that period. I’m questioning why we’re still making those mistakes from the great positions we’ve got ourselves into. I lay in bed asking myself: is it my captaincy, my leadership – am I not working with the boys enough? Are we not working hard enough on our defence? If we’d defended Broad for five overs, we’d have won this match. But we didn’t.

At 4.00 pm this afternoon, we got together as an entire squad for a frank discussion about where we’re at, how guys are feeling, how the batting unit in particular can get better. We discussed how in the Test matches at Trent Bridge, Lord’s and Chester-le-Street we’ve lost a lot of wickets in clumps. Darren tried to focus on just the current series, not India or any time before he’s started. That’s good for the guys, but I can’t help thinking about how far these collapses have stretched back into the past, over a period of three or four years.

Darren wanted to give a balanced measure of where we’re at. We can’t hide behind the fact that we’ve lost wickets in rushes that have cost us the Ashes, but at the same time, we’ve come really close to winning three of the four Test matches.

It wasn’t a discussion dominated by Darren, though, or myself or anyone else. Senior and younger players alike expressed their views. It was really positive. We spoke about finding times through the game when the opportunity arises, the door opens, and how we can go through to the other side, take our chances. We discussed how the winning feeling doesn’t just happen. It becomes a habit.

We talked a lot about confidence, and having faith in your teammates, whether it’s your partner when you’re batting with him in the middle, or the guys around you when you’re in the field. We stressed that we have to believe more in each other – trust.

Blokes spoke their minds, which was the best thing. They talked about how they felt the opposition were trying to get them out, and how they were trying to combat that. Everyone was disappointed, but trying to get better.

For me personally, I think I’m doing it tough. We’re all doing it tough. But I can feel the boys rallying, which I really appreciate. Everyone’s looking after each other.

At moments like these, I think about the horizon: us getting better as a team and as individuals every day. There’s a photo on my phone which shows waves smashing the sand in the foreground, but far away the horizon is calm. That’s what I’m looking at. Every single day I see my dream and my goal, which is for us to be the number one team in the world.

I’m not taking my eyes off that.

Wednesday 14 August.
Gateshead to Northampton.

Once again I got up at about 5.00 am, before anyone else, and went to the gym. Even though I ‘slept’ for eight hours, I woke up feeling as if I’d had about one hour’s sleep. There’s so much churning inside me. In the gym, I flogged myself, thinking that nobody else I’m competing against is out of bed and in the gym at this time of the day. The next time the chips are down, I’m going to make this count for something.

The optimistic side of me says we’re only one win away from having our confidence back. That’s the amazing thing about sport: it only takes one win. If we’d won the First Test, or the Third Test, it might not have meant we would win back the Ashes, but our attitude and mindset would be completely different. We’d be full of confidence coming into the next match. We were
so
close to winning in Nottingham and Manchester; if those last phases had gone our way, I do think we would be in a different headspace.

We’re burning and hurting, and I think that will hold us in good stead for the future, when we do turn it around. It’s going to taste that much better when we win. I’ve had ups and downs and know how much the downs hurt. But you need ‘rock bottom’ to realise how much you cherish playing Test cricket for Australia and remember how much you love winning.

Since our team meeting yesterday, I’ve spent a fair bit of time having one-on-one chats with individual players. I had a good chat with Watto today, and also a good chat with Sidds before he left the team to travel to London, where he’s going to freshen up over the next few days. He wanted to know how he could help out, as a senior player. I’ve also spoken a lot to Brad Haddin. Everyone’s wanting to do more to help. Everyone’s getting out of bed each day thinking, ‘How can I get better and how can I help the team?’ The effort and positive attitude they’re putting in almost makes it harder for me. I just keep returning to the sense of responsibility for letting them down with my batting, especially in the Fourth Test.

Today we’re driving on the bus from Gateshead to Northampton, a four-hour trip, before recovery and rehab. As a team, we’ll settle down in the quiet surrounds there and reboot.

Thursday 15 August.
Northampton.

The will is there. You can see that in our training sessions every day. We all worked hard for three and a half hours, each getting what we could individually out of the session. I’d had a chat with Watto about combatting England’s bowling plans, and we worked on that together in the nets. Mainly the objective is to try to hit the ball as straight as possible, intending to hit balls from middle stump through the ‘V’ between mid-off and mid-on, rather than square of the wicket. Everything’s connected – if you try to hit too square, you’re only using half the face of the bat rather than the full face, and you become an LBW risk. With Shane, it’s just a matter of starting with that intent – hitting straight – and grooving the balance and strokeplay from there.

I concentrated on facing short-pitched fast bowling, and copped a few bruises – one on my back and one on my thumb. This afternoon, I’ve had some physio treatment and put some ice on both of the knocks. I’m not too worried, but will monitor how I pull up tomorrow.

I’m not playing in the match against the England Lions here. As Hadds has gone to London with Peter Siddle and Ryan Harris, Shane Watson will captain the team in the match here and I’ll run the drinks and help the boys out in any way that I can. More than anything, I’m sitting the match out to give my mind a rest. The mental fatigue of the tour is only to be expected, and it’s not a bad experience at all, but without the medicine of winning matches you certainly feel the mental weariness. We’ve agreed that my best preparation for The Oval is to give my mind a few days off.

Friday 16 August.
Northampton.

There was a bit of rain early, delaying the start of the match against the England Lions. On another very dry wicket that looked like it was going to take plenty of spin, Watto lost the toss and the Lions decided to bat. Cleverly, they decided to pick as many left-handers as they possibly could, opposite to the England Test XI.

We picked up seven wickets, which was a good result on a shortened day. Nathan Lyon had a good long bowl, and probed very hard, giving the batsmen a thorough examination. We put down a few chances, unfortunately for Nathan, but then we had some luck when Steve Smith came on late and took a couple of wickets with full tosses. It was good for the boys to get out in the middle after a few days of disappointment and soul-searching, and good for me to be the drinks waiter. I did what I could to help them in the middle, and also spent some time in the nets working on my batting. The sun came up today, against all expectations, and I began to feel better about the world.

Saturday 17 August.
Northampton.

The rain bands had thickened overnight, and the ground here in Northampton was a pretty gloomy sight this morning. The boys were able to get in a bit of training before play started late, and the England Lions declared on their overnight score, giving us a total of 83 overs in the day’s play for batting.

We didn’t bat as well as we would have liked, and it was a bit of a lull in our preparation. Nearly all the boys made starts, but a couple of decent deliveries and some less than optimal shot selection stopped anyone from converting into a big score. Still, on the upside, plenty of guys got some batting practice.

Bad light took us off before the close, after 68 overs in our innings. Then it rained, which put an end to the match. We packed up and headed to London, checking back into the Royal Garden Hotel at Kensington. To be honest, I think many of our minds have already moved forward to the Fifth Test, and making a big push to finish the series with a win under our belt.

Sunday 18 August.
London.

Today was a team recovery day, which I really enjoyed. I had a good night’s sleep and feel mentally refreshed after missing the game in Northampton. We had an excellent training session this morning, concentrating on strength and fitness, and then I went out for lunch with Mark Nicholas, former player and now commentator with the Nine Network and Channel 5 here in England.

Over the past few years, I’ve had regular get-togethers with Mark. Being outside the group, and as an Englishman who spends a lot of his life in Australia, he brings a different perspective. One thing I can depend on is his honesty. He brings his playing and commentary experience to his observations of the game, and he’s very constructive in his opinions about where we’re at as a team. I feel I can trust him, and always take something useful away from our conversations.

Afterwards, I came back to the hotel for some physio treatment from Alex and a massage from Grant, then some room service with Kyly. It’s been a good day, and I feel better than I have at any time since the end of the Durham Test match.

Monday 19 August.
London.

Today was our first time together as a team at The Oval (now called the Kia Oval), which is a very impressive sight – a big ground by English standards, with stands and the famous gasometer towering high over the field. I was keen to take a look at the pitch, which looks quite good to me. It has a reputation for spinning, and it certainly did during our Test match here in 2009. But it looks very good – dry, but maybe not quite as dry as the pitches we’ve had in the other Test matches. There’s a fairly dense mat of dry grass on it. As long as they don’t mow that off between now and Wednesday, I reckon there will be a bit of help for the bowlers on day one, good batting conditions on days one and two, and then some spin and reverse swing from day three onwards.

The selectors have come up with a new combination for the Fifth Test, and informed each of the players at the end of our training session today. It will be announced at our team meeting tonight.

After training, Ed Cowan and his wife Virginia threw a birthday party in Hyde Park for their daughter Romy, who has turned one. A group of us went across the road from the hotel into the park to celebrate, and it was good to see so many of the squad and staff turn up – another little indicator of how strong our spirit has remained, in spite of the results. It was a special day for Romy, who is extremely cute, and for the Cowan family.

Tonight we’re having dinner for Popeye, our bus driver, and his wife Suzanne. It’s her birthday today, but unfortunately she has cancer and is struggling. Popeye – Geoff Goodwin, owner of the Goodwins bus company – has been our driver on all the tours of England I’ve taken since my first one-day series here in 2004, and is a huge supporter of the Australian cricket team. I’m really feeling for him at the moment, and it’s nice that the entire team is going to celebrate Suzanne’s birthday with the two of them. I was touched to see how thrilled Geoff was when we told him everyone was coming. These moments are precious.

Tuesday 20 August.
London.

All of our preparation is complete, after a good training session at the Kia Oval and another look at the pitch. I still think it will be good for a couple of days, before deteriorating later in the match.

On the centre of the ground, we had a half-hour meeting of senior players – myself, Brad Haddin, Shane Watson, Peter Siddle and Ryan Harris – with Rod Marsh and Darren Lehmann. It was stressed that now more than ever it’s so important for the senior players to lead the way, on and off the field. It’s been a long tour and in so many ways a disappointing one, and when that happens you can reach breaking point towards the end. As the five senior Test players in the team, we have to take hold of the situation.