The Bachelorette Party (18 page)
Zadie had been to Chippendale’s before when her friend Dorian had gotten married, back in the dark ages of men with coiffed hair. But the Chippendale’s boys had in no way prepared her for the spectacle of the West Hollywood boys. The crowd was all male, and by the time the girls got seated, there was no pretense of stripping, the men were already down to their G-strings. Tiny, tiny, G-strings. And they weren’t shy about letting their parts leak out the side and caress the patrons. In fact, Jane was slapped in the face with an impressively sized penis the moment they sat down.
She pointed to Helen and instructed her accoster to direct his member toward her. “She’s the bachelorette. Give her a tickle.”
Zadie considered the fact that Grey would not be happy about a penis being stuck in Helen’s ear, regardless of the fact that it was a gay penis. She could hear him saying, “A cock is a cock.” But Eloise didn’t seem to mind, so how could Zadie object? If she did, Helen would probably stick the offending appendage in her mouth just to spite her.
Gilda leaned over to Zadie. “We shouldn’t be here. We should’ve locked her in her room. It was one thing when she was pretending to have sex with a blow-up doll, but with all these naked men, I’m afraid something’s gonna happen. Gay or not. There’s just too many stray dicks in this room.”
Would Helen actually give her virginity to a gay stripper two nights before her wedding? The way the night was going, it was just Zadie’s luck. But these guys couldn’t seriously pose a threat. Could they? It was Jimbo who was a danger and he was nowhere near West Hollywood.
The other ladies were busy being dazzled by the eye candy. Betsy was tipping a large black man quite heavily for the ass-shaking spectacle he was performing and Kim and Marci were encouraging a Hispanic fellow to flex. Eloise was licking the waiter.
Helen leaped up and joined the current stripper, a hunky Italian named “Mr. Lovepants,” onstage for a grope. He humored her and dipped her backward for a chaste kiss. The crowd booed. She grabbed his dick in order to elicit their favor. The men now cheered, happy to see something unsavory going on, despite the fact that it was a girl onstage with their favorite boy.
“See?” Gilda said, worried. “This is where it starts.”
Zadie looked at Eloise who shrugged. “He’s gay. It doesn’t count.”
Zadie’s head was starting to hurt. She rose. “I’m going to the ladies’ room. If there is one.”
When she was in the middle of what seemed like a ten-minute stream of piss, she heard the outer door bang open. “Zadie?”
Zadie pushed open the door to her stall to find Gilda looking distraught.
“What’s wrong?”
“Okay, I know I should’ve told you this before, but Helen swore me to secrecy.”
Helen had a secret? This was news to Zadie. Helen’s pristine past was something she’d spent many years resenting.
“This isn’t the first time Helen’s been drunk.”
Zadie frowned. Baffled. Helen? Drunk? Before? This was too much for her tequila-addled brain to comprehend.
“When we were in college, we went to Cancún for spring break.”
“I remember,” Zadie said. “She came back with all sorts of stories about Mayan ruins.”
“Yeah, well, we didn’t see any of those.”
Zadie felt that something bad was coming. “What
did
you see?”
did
you see?”
“I saw Helen have sex with three guys, break a man’s neck, steal a diamond necklace, and karaoke to Lionel Richie.”
Zadie’s anger at having to leave Trevor, her agitation at Helen and Grey’s entire relationship, and her ire at the fact that there was zero toilet paper in the stall all converged into one clear and shining moment of benign confusion followed by indignant rage.
“You’re telling me that Helen isn’t a virgin?”
“Not even close,” Gilda said.
“Helen has had sex?”
“It was just that one night. She swore she’d never drink again. And she didn’t. At least until graduation. I can’t vouch for what happened when she moved back here, but from what she’s told me, she’s been a saint. I think that night in Mexican jail really scared her.”
“Helen has been in
jail
?”
jail
?”
Not only had Helen been lying to Zadie all these years, pretending to be perfect and sin-free, which in turn made Zadie feel
im
perfect and sin-saturated, but she’d lied to Grey, who thought he was marrying the most innocent girl in the world. Not that he set out to marry a virgin by any means, but he certainly didn’t set out to marry a liar. Why hadn’t she just come clean? Why develop your entire persona around a big fat, incredibly annoying, pious fabrication?
im
perfect and sin-saturated, but she’d lied to Grey, who thought he was marrying the most innocent girl in the world. Not that he set out to marry a virgin by any means, but he certainly didn’t set out to marry a liar. Why hadn’t she just come clean? Why develop your entire persona around a big fat, incredibly annoying, pious fabrication?
Zadie could understand if Helen had just let Grandma Davis
believe she was a virginal prig who shat marshmallows, but why lie to Denise? Why lie to Zadie? Zadie and Denise had spent many a drunken evening discussing Helen’s apparent malfunction and how she could have possibly ended up so pure when they were so very, very fond of drink and dick. And all this time, it had been a lie. Zadie felt betrayed.
believe she was a virginal prig who shat marshmallows, but why lie to Denise? Why lie to Zadie? Zadie and Denise had spent many a drunken evening discussing Helen’s apparent malfunction and how she could have possibly ended up so pure when they were so very, very fond of drink and dick. And all this time, it had been a lie. Zadie felt betrayed.
Gilda looked guilty. “I promised her I wouldn’t say anything, but I’m worried about where she’ll end up tonight. I don’t have enough cash on me for bail.”
Bailing Helen out of jail was something Zadie had been fairly certain she’d never have to do. “She really broke a man’s neck?”
“It was self-defense.”
“And the necklace?”
“That’s why she went to jail, but it was all a misunderstanding. She’s just not allowed back in Mexico.”
Helen had been banished from an entire country?
“Who were the three guys?”
“The first one was a senior at the University of Texas, the second guy was on his honeymoon, and the third guy was a waiter at our hotel.” A guy on his
honeymoon?
Jesus. Helen was a slut
and
a bitch.
honeymoon?
Jesus. Helen was a slut
and
a bitch.
“Where did all this take place?”
“His room, our room, and the hotel kitchen.” Where food is prepared? Zadie shivered, thinking she would never eat guacamole again.
“And the neck-breaking?”
“That was on the street. Some guy tried to shanghai her and she closed a car door on his head.”
Zadie didn’t even know what to say at this point. She just stared at Gilda, mouth agape. “So you’re telling me that my cousin is a violent, thieving whore.”
Gilda bit her lip. “Well, I wouldn’t go that far, but it was a pretty wild night. She felt really bad about it when we got back to school. The waiter got fired. She sent him money for a couple weeks, but then I think she got over it.”
Zadie couldn’t even bring herself to comment on the fact that the waiter was the thing Helen felt guilty about.
“At what point did she decide she was going to lie about it?”
“The plane ride home. She said she wanted to start over. I promised her I would never tell anyone, but I’m worried she’s going to ruin her future with Grey if she has a repeat performance tonight.”
“Uh, yeah … I can’t see that Grey would be too happy if she fucked a bunch of guys tonight.”
“So we need to get her out of here. Like, right now.”
Zadie agreed. “Let’s go.”
As they walked back into the bar, they couldn’t help but notice that Helen was onstage removing the flaming Mr. Lovepants’s G-string with her teeth. The room was going crazy, cheering and clapping and making lewd suggestions.
Eloise watched it all with a naive innocence, thinking that Helen couldn’t possibly get into trouble in such a situation. Betsy even cheered her on, thinking this was all merry fun. Kim and Marci were still giggling over the Hispanic hunk. Skinny and Snotty were bored, since they’d realized that no one in the room wanted to have sex with them. Jane and Denise were getting lap dances. Watching a gay stripper give a pregnant woman a lap dance was something Zadie hoped to never see again, but she didn’t have time to worry about her brain’s ability to repress. She had a job to do.
Zadie marched toward the stage and yanked Helen off by the hair. “We’re leaving. Now.”
“Oww! You’re hurting me.”
“I don’t care. We’re leaving.”
The crowd booed. Someone pelted Zadie with an olive. It was of no concern to her. She was saving her best friend’s marriage and such things take precedence over public scorn.
“Why are you being so mean?” Helen whined.
“I know about Cancun. So just shut up and walk out of here like a good girl or I’ll tell the others.”
Helen immediately quit her whining. “Fine.”
When they walked past their table, the others looked at Zadie as if she were the queen bitch of all party poopers.
“What’s going on?” Eloise asked.
“We’re leaving. Get in the car.”
Betsy was baffled. “Why?”
Gilda had Zadie’s back. “Because Helen needs to go to bed. Now.”
Jane hurriedly tipped her lap dancer and followed them out. “The guy was gay, what could happen?”
“I don’t want to chance it,” Zadie answered.
As the other women paid for their drinks and bid their naked gay men adieu, Zadie manhandled Helen into the limo. Gilda was close behind. Helen glared at her.
“You told her! I knew I shouldn’t have invited you.”
“I did it to save your ass, so maybe you should be thankful.”
Before Zadie could point out to Gilda that drunken women being disciplined are rarely
thankful
, Helen turned to her and fixed her with the eyes of Satan. “If you tell Grey, I’ll deny everything and he’ll end up hating you for trying to break us up.”
thankful
, Helen turned to her and fixed her with the eyes of Satan. “If you tell Grey, I’ll deny everything and he’ll end up hating you for trying to break us up.”
Zadie stared at her. If she had been more in command of her mental faculties, she was sure she could have come up with some scathing retort that involved the words “lying whore,” but since she was hammered and flabbergasted and completely thrown by Gilda’s revelation, she just looked at Helen and shook her head. “I have no idea who you are.”
The rest of the women got into the car before Helen could enlighten her.
“Thank God we got out of there,” Skinny said. “It was gross.”
“So gross,” Snotty agreed.
Betsy slid in after them. “Bullshit, if they were straight, you’d be naked on top of the hood of some car right now.”
“Okay, you are
not
someone who needs to speak to me for the rest of the night. I have no interest at all in even being civil to you at this point,” Skinny answered.
not
someone who needs to speak to me for the rest of the night. I have no interest at all in even being civil to you at this point,” Skinny answered.
“Of course, you don’t. I don’t have a penis,” Betsy said.
Zadie looked at her, an entirely new respect for Betsy being born in this moment.
Jane got in. “I think Marci and Kim have found their happy place. I don’t know if we’ll ever get them out of there.”
Denise stuck her head in. “How hysterical would it have been if I’d gone into labor during my lap dance?” She climbed across them all to sit near the window, in case a future bout of nausea overcame her. “Can’t you just see me telling Jeff that my water broke while some guy was rubbing his man-berries against me?”
Marci and Kim burst into the limo in a happy giggle fit. “Did you
see
Javier? He was beautiful!” Kim said.
see
Javier? He was beautiful!” Kim said.
“He was like a big hairless caramel with muscles,” Marci said.
“He gave me his number,” Kim said. “I’m going to hire him to babysit. Why shouldn’t
I
get a hot nanny to ogle? Roger looks like he’s going to pee himself every time he drives the damn cheerleader home. And the bitch eats all my yogurt.”
I
get a hot nanny to ogle? Roger looks like he’s going to pee himself every time he drives the damn cheerleader home. And the bitch eats all my yogurt.”
Eloise was the last one in. And she was in a complete state of agita. “I hope we’re leaving for a good reason, because I’m pretty sure I could’ve converted our waiter.”
The fact that the least attractive woman in the car was the most certain that she could turn a gay man straight was the final capper. If they didn’t leave within seconds, Zadie’s head would surely explode.
She turned to the limo driver. “Jerry, we’re going back to the hotel.”
“Why?” Helen whined.
Zadie turned and gave her a withering look of condescension.
“Because you’re getting married.”
When they arrived back at the Beverly Hills Hotel, Helen let Zadie and Gilda escort her to her room, even though she was clearly unhappy about it. It was only one-thirty. There was another half hour of public drinking to be done, in her mind.
Zadie had a firm grip on her elbow as they got in the elevator. “I actually let you make me feel guilty for sleeping with Jack on our third date. How could you have sat there and acted so high-and-mighty when you’d banged three guys in one night?”
“It didn’t count. I was drunk.”
“So was I!”
Helen shrugged and looked away. Clearly unconcerned by her hypocrisy. Or maybe not. In a tiny voice, she asked, “You’re going to tell him, aren’t you?”
“Grey? No, I’m not going to tell him! Christ, do you really think
I
want to be the one to break the news to him that you’re a giant fake? You get that job.”
I
want to be the one to break the news to him that you’re a giant fake? You get that job.”
“It was seven years ago. Why is that any of his business?”
“It wouldn’t be, if you hadn’t made such a big deal about your high moral standards. You’re full of shit, Helen. And Grey is not the type of guy who tolerates people who are—shitful.”
The elevator door opened and they stepped out onto the fifth floor. Heading toward the bridal suite.
“So you’re saying he’ll break up with me if he finds out?”
“I’m not saying anything.”
Helen looked confused. “But why do I have to say anything if you’re not going to say anything? Can’t we just keep letting him think what he thinks?”
Zadie was in no mood for logic. “Just go in your room and go to bed. And try not to kill anybody or steal anything.”
Helen looked at Gilda. “You told her
everything
?”
everything
?”
Gilda shrugged. “I was trying to save you.”
Helen looked at Zadie and then back to Gilda. “Does she know about—”
Zadie cut her off, hands over her ears. “If the next words out of your mouth aren’t ‘Lionel Richie,’ I don’t wanna hear it.”
Helen looked contrite and kept quiet. Keeping God-only-knows-what horrific secret.
Zadie looked in Helen’s purse. “Where’s your key?”
“I don’t know.”
Zadie groaned, annoyed. She was going to get Helen into this fucking hotel room if she had to break the door down.
After they called the front desk and got Helen inside the bridal suite, she refused to put on her nightgown and insisted upon sleeping in her veil with the horns and the strap-on over her yoga clothes. Zadie was in no mood to argue over the petty things, so she let it go. She set three opened bottles of Evian from the minibar on the nightstand and put the stainless-steel trash can next to the bed in case Helen puked. Which, given the amount Helen had had to drink, was a highly likely scenario.
Zadie looked at Gilda. “Did she throw up in Mexico?”
“Like you’ve never seen.”
Zadie wet a washcloth and put in on the nightstand next to the water. Having no idea why she was being so accommodating, but feeling extra guilty on Grey’s behalf for letting Helen get so drunk. “If you get sick, aim in here, and wipe your mouth with this.”
Helen groaned, already half passed out now that she’d hit the bed.
Once Zadie and Gilda were out in the hall, Zadie let herself relax. She slid down the wall and sat on the floor.
“We did it. She’s in for the night.”
Gilda shook her hand. “Congratulations. That was an impressive display of control in there.”
“Anytime you need a bitch, I’m your gal.”
“Grey would be grateful, I’m sure.”
Zadie sighed. “If she’d had sex with some guy tonight, it would’ve killed him. It would seriously have killed him.”
“I’m not saying she
would
have, I just didn’t think we should chance it,” Gilda said.
would
have, I just didn’t think we should chance it,” Gilda said.
“
Three
guys in one night?” Zadie still couldn’t get over this.
Three
guys in one night?” Zadie still couldn’t get over this.
“Did I mention she got crabs?”
Zadie smiled. From this moment on, she would never feel inferior to Helen again.
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