Authors: Sean McIndoe

The Best of Down Goes Brown (20 page)

BOOK: The Best of Down Goes Brown

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Chapter 50
NHL Hockey, Then vs. Now

There's a romantic view of hockey as some sort of permanent, stable presence in the sporting world. And there's some truth to that. At its heart, the game that today's children lace up and play in rinks and on ponds around the world is similar to the one that past generations enjoyed.

But it's also true that modern hockey fans have seen the sport go through a seemingly endless series of changes in recent years. We've had expansion, work stoppages, new technology, improved equipment, and a constant influx of new rules that can make it hard to keep up with what's happening on and off the ice. In some sense, the current version of the sport is almost unrecognizable when compared to how the league looked just a half-century ago.

Just how different is today's NHL from the one our parents and grandparents enjoyed? Here are some of the key differences that have resulted from the league's continuing evolution:

Then:
Players wore flimsy pads on their shoulders and elbows that didn't provide much protection, so the risk of injury was high.

Now:
The game is much safer thanks to the advent of modern protective padding, like the Carbonite Skull-Crusher 3000.

Now:
Players demonstrate their commitment to fitness by adhering to a strict diet, carefully monitoring their body fat index, and maintaining a rigorous year-round training program.

Then:
Players demonstrated their commitment to fitness by trying really hard to smoke only between shifts.

Then:
During breaks between play, fans filled in the quiet moments by having conversations with fellow fans about the game they were watching.

Now:
During breaks between play, fans fill in the quiet moments by blinking once before the arena host starts screeching trivia questions and sponsor messages at them.

Now:
On the way home from the game, fans can complain about the team's superstar to their cabdriver, who will likely agree that the player is wildly overpaid.

Then:
On the way home from the game, fans could start to complain about the team's superstar to their cabdriver, before realizing it was him.

Then:
There were only six teams in the league, meaning that when American TV networks planned their broadcast schedule, they had only six teams to choose from.

Now:
There are thirty teams in the league, meaning that when American TV networks plan their broadcast schedule, they have only six teams to choose from.

Now:
Players occasionally engage in “staged fights,” which all reasonable fans and media agree are an embarrassment to hockey's rich history of sportsmanship.

Then:
Players never engaged in “staged fights,” preferring to settle disputes with more gentlemanly methods such as spontaneously hitting each other over the head with their sticks before climbing into the stands to attack some fans.

Then:
As hard as it is for today's fans to imagine, goaltenders used to play without wearing masks.

Now:
Goaltenders have long since realized that masks are absolutely essential, since otherwise there'd be nowhere for them to paint pictures of their favorite celebrities and cartoon characters.

Now:
Players who suffer a head injury and are unable to immediately return to the game are sent to the “quiet room,” which is a term for a medical examination room in the arena where they can be evaluated in more detail.

Then:
Players who suffered a head injury and were unable to immediately return to the game were sent to the “quiet room,” a term for the unemployment office.

Then:
Fans watching on black-and-white television sets wished that the games could be broadcast in color.

Now:
Fans watching on high-definition television sets wish that the games could be broadcast in black and white, at least whenever Don Cherry's latest suit appears on the screen.

Now:
Fans sometimes get to see games decided by an exciting event known as the shoot-out.

Then:
Fans were forced to suffer through the monotony of seeing the game's results determined entirely by actual hockey.

Then:
The widespread use of curved stick blades increased offense, because they made slap shots behave unpredictably.

Now:
Modern composite sticks increase offense, because they disintegrate in a defenseman's hand any time there's a slight breeze in the arena.

Now:
If you leap to your feet and mercilessly boo Gary Bettman as soon as he makes an appearance at the game, you can count on your fellow fans joining in.

Then:
If you leapt to your feet and mercilessly booed Gary Bettman as soon as he made an appearance at the game, you could count on your fellow fans turning to you and asking if that didn't seem kind of harsh for Little League.

Then:
The All-Star Game featured a collection of the league's best players competing against the reigning Stanley Cup champions.

Now:
The All-Star Game is totally different, in the sense that it no longer features anybody competing against anyone.

Now:
A player who notices two referees arguing with each other would suspect that an especially close play has just occurred and the officials are taking the time to make sure they get the call right.

Then:
A player who noticed two referees arguing with each other would suspect that he was still a little hungover from the night before.

Then:
The one thing hockey fans could count on was seeing the Stanley Cup awarded every year, unless there was a major tragedy, such as a deadly outbreak of influenza.

Now:
The one thing hockey fans can count on is seeing the Stanley Cup awarded every year, unless there's a major tragedy, such as a disagreement over how best to link player salaries to league revenues.

Chapter 51
An In-depth Comparison: Eric Lindros vs. Peter Forsberg

It's hard to think of two recent NHL superstars whose careers were more intertwined than Eric Lindros and Peter Forsberg. Both were chosen early in the 1991 draft, both won the Hart Trophy, both were considered the best player in hockey at some point, and both were plagued by multiple injuries that forced them to miss extensive time and ultimately cut their careers short.

The most famous connection, of course, is even more direct: the controversial 1992 trade that saw Lindros dealt from Quebec to Philadelphia in exchange for a package that included Forsberg, multiple players and draft picks, and $15 million in cash. In addition to being one of the most significant trades in NHL history, the deal all but guaranteed that the two players would be compared to each other throughout their careers.

But how similar were they? Let's take a closer look at the careers of these two hockey legends:

Peter Forsberg:
Was known as “Peter the Great” for most of his NHL career, although fans back in Sweden were more likely to refer to him as
Foppa
.

Eric Lindros:
Was known as “The Big E” for most of his NHL career, although fans back in Quebec City were more likely to refer to him as something we can't print in this book due to obscenity laws.

Eric Lindros:
Won the Hart Trophy as MVP in 1995 but never won it a second time, disappointing notoriously tough Philadelphia Flyers fans.

Peter Forsberg:
Won the Calder Trophy as rookie of the year in 1995 but never won it a second time, disappointing Colorado Avalanche fans who didn't quite have the hang of this whole thing yet.

Peter Forsberg:
Is the son of Kent Forsberg, who coached the Swedish national team from 1995 to 1998.

Eric Lindros:
Is the son of Bonnie and Carl Lindros, who coached every team Eric ever played on, they thought.

Eric Lindros:
Combined with John LeClair and Mikael Renberg to form a line that became known as The Legion of Doom because they were physically imposing and offensively dominant.

Peter Forsberg:
Combined with Milan Hejduk and Alex Tanguay to form a line that became known as The AMP Line because of the NHL's strictly enforced “only one line per decade gets an actual creative nickname that doesn't involve just taking all their initials and making it spell a word” rule.

Peter Forsberg:
Made an international impact at the 1994 Olympics by scoring the gold medal winning shoot-out goal with a one-handed deke, which was later honored on a postage stamp.

Eric Lindros:
Made an international impact at the 1991 Canada Cup by breaking Ulf Samuelsson's shoulder with a body check that should have been honored on a postage stamp, according to all these petitions from Cam Neely.

Eric Lindros:
His dramatic return to the Flyers lineup during the 2000 playoffs ended after just two games, when he was on the receiving end of a vicious body check from Scott Stevens.

Peter Forsberg:
His dramatic return to the Avalanche lineup during the 2011 season ended after just two games, when he was on the receiving end of a vicious reality check from Father Time.

Peter Forsberg:
Was unable to participate in the final two playoff rounds in 2001 after suffering a serious injury that resulted in doctors removing his spleen.

Eric Lindros:
Was unable to participate in any playoff rounds at all in 2006 after signing a contract to play for the Toronto Maple Leafs.

Eric Lindros:
Has been the subject of a bizarre and implausible urban legend involving a bar fight with figure skater Elvis Stojko.

Peter Forsberg:
Has been the subject of a bizarre and implausible urban legend involving him once having played for the Nashville Predators.

Peter Forsberg:
Achieved his ultimate goal by helping the Avalanche win the Stanley Cup in 1996 and 2001.

Eric Lindros:
Never did manage to achieve his ultimate goal, since Bobby Clarke never had his back turned when there was a folding chair nearby.

Eric Lindros:
Played against the Red Wings in one playoff series as a member of the Flyers, after which the brooms came out because Detroit won in four straight.

Peter Forsberg:
Played against the Red Wings in five different playoff series as a member of the Avalanche, after which the brooms came out because can you think of a better way to clean up all those teeth?

Peter Forsberg:
His many injuries included a recurring looseness in his ankle in 2006, which Flyers team doctors described as a “ligament laxity.”

Eric Lindros:
His many injuries included a collapsed lung in 1999, which Flyers team doctors described as “no big deal, just get on the airplane, you big baby.”

Eric Lindros:
Announced his retirement at a 2007 press conference, which was briefly interrupted when he was overcome with emotion at the thought of his playing career being over.

Peter Forsberg:
Announced his retirement at a 2008 press conference, which was briefly interrupted by his announcement of his comeback, which was briefly interrupted by his announcement of his retirement from that comeback, which was briefly interrupted by all the reporters leaving while he was still talking.

Chapter 52
Take the Quiz: Was that a Dive?

While occasional “embellishment” has always been a hockey fact of life, recent years have seen diving elevated to an art form. It now seems like you can't go a week without players, coaches, and media complaining that certain opponents are taking the dramatics too far.

The problem has become so noticeable that last year the NHL reportedly issued a directive to officials to call more diving penalties. But that move just appears to have created more controversy, with some players being whistled for penalties even when they'd been legitimately hauled down.

It's all very frustrating. Short of using lie detector tests or hiring a mind reader, how can a fan really tell whether a player was diving?

Luckily, the league is on the case. Working with officials and forensic experts, they've put together this handy quiz for fans watching the game at home. From now on, if you think you may have witnessed a dive, simply take a few minutes to answer these questions and arrive at a definitive answer:

1.
A player is rolling around on the ice while clutching his head after a borderline penalty. Which of the following would make you suspect a dive?

A)
The offending player immediately puts both hands in the air, which is always a sure sign of innocence.

B)
The player reacts to the “head injury” in a way that no other player ever does, such as actually going to the NHL-mandated quiet room.

C)
The team's media guide mentions that the player's off-season training partners are Peter Forsberg, Sean Avery, and Marcel Marceau.

D)
The borderline penalty he was reacting to was a delay of game call for shooting the puck over the glass.

2.
A high stick appears to make contact with a player's face. After he recovers from the initial contact, you can see that the player is:

A)
Visibly shaken by the impact.

B)
Wiping away what appears to be blood.

C)
Wiping away what appears to be blood, while holding a handful of empty ketchup packets.

D)
Nonchalantly performing his own root canal on the bench in between shifts (Martin St. Louis only).

3.
A nearby microphone has picked up the audio of the play, and on the replay you can clearly hear:

A)
The sound of a devastating impact that could not have been faked.

B)
The crowd murmuring in confusion over whether they'd witnessed a dive.

C)
The player's teammate banging a clapperboard while yelling, “And,
action
!”

D)
The player yelling, “NOOO!” as he dramatically falls to the ice in slow motion, which is odd since the replay was at regular speed.

4.
A player has been called for diving, but you suspect he may actually be innocent because:

A)
The replay seems to show legitimate contact right before he went down.

B)
He just told the referee that he didn't dive, and hockey players never lie about that sort of stuff.

C)
You're not sure how he would have gotten the ambulance driver and all the EMTs to play along like that.

D)
He's one of those weird guys who insists on playing the game as if he has actual dignity and self-respect.

5.
After a big hit on the ice, Daniel Carcillo immediately grabs his face and begins flailing around on the ground. This makes you suspicious, because:

A)
The incident did not seem significant enough to warrant that much of a reaction.

B)
Carcillo has a reputation for occasionally embellishing in an attempt to draw calls.

C)
The other player immediately protested that he had barely touched him.

D)
Carcillo's team isn't playing in that game, he's currently watching the game next to you in a bar 500 miles away, and he just dusted himself off and explained, “Sorry, force of habit.”

6.
When all else fails, the easiest way to tell that a player is about to dive is by:

A)
His attempt to make eye contact with the referee first.

B)
His use of his hands to brace himself for a fall.

C)
His old mattress that he dragged out onto the ice for a softer landing.

D)
His Canucks jersey.

You've completed the quiz! To determine whether the play in question was a dive, simply tally up all the answers from your quiz. Figure out which letter you chose most often, and then consult the scoring chart to find outâ¦Oh, you know what, forget it. Just use this much simpler version, like every other hockey fan already does:

The player accused of diving plays for:

A)
My favorite team

B)
Some other team

Congratulations! You now have enough information to be convinced beyond any doubt whether you've witnessed a dive or not.

BOOK: The Best of Down Goes Brown

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