The Best of Down Goes Brown (3 page)

 

The NHL surprised fans during the 2011 off-season when they announced that controversial disciplinarian Colin Campbell would resign his post and be replaced by Brendan Shanahan.

Shanahan was a natural choice for the job, but sources tell me he wasn't the only candidate. It turns out that several other star players from Shanahan's era were also interviewed, and I've managed to obtain a top-secret transcript of the proceedings.

Scene: Gary Bettman's office
.

 

Gary Bettman:
Well, Brendan, that wraps up the interview. And I think Colin and I can agree that you completely nailed it.

 

Brendan Shanahan:
Hey, thanks, guys.

 

Colin Campbell:
You're a perfect fit for this job. But before we can make it official, we do have some other candidates to interview.

 

Bettman:
Yeah, you know how it is. We need to make sure everyone gets a chance to speak with us. After all, you're not the only former NHL star who might be interested in the job.

 

Shanahan:
Oh. OK, I guess that makes sense.

 

Bettman:
Great, thanks for understanding.
(Into phone intercom)
: Send in Jeremy Roenick.

 

Voice on intercom:
Right away, sir.

 

Jeremy Roenick:
Hi, guys. Thanks for having me here. I really appreciate it.

 

Campbell:
Thanks, Jeremy. My first question for you is—

 

Roenick:
Nice desk. Is that mahogany? I love mahogany.

 

Campbell:
That's great, Jeremy. If you let me finish my question, I was—

 

Roenick:
You know back in 1991 with the Hawks, we were in a tough series with the North Stars …

 

Campbell:
Stop talking.

 

Roenick:
So I'm playing on a line with Steve Thomas, and it's late in the third period …

 

Campbell:
Please stop talking.

 

Roenick:
I'm afraid that's not possible. Once I get going I'm not physically capable of silence.

 

Campbell:
Maybe we should move on.

 

Bettman:
Good idea. Our next candidate is former Maple Leafs captain Wendel Clark. Why the interest in this job, Wendel?

 

Wendel Clark:
Well, I'm really concerned about all the dirty hits these days. So I'd institute a strict policy to reduce them.

 

Campbell:
Which is?

 

Clark:
First offense, I punch you in the face.

 

Campbell:
Wow. And on a second offense?

 

Clark
(cracking knuckles)
: There wouldn't be any second offenses.

 

Campbell:
Good point.

 

Roenick
(still talking to himself)
:
And then I say to Chelios, “Loosen up, old man, it's the nineties … “

 

Bettman:
OK, our next former star is … uh-oh.

 

Wayne Gretzky:
Hi, Gary!

 

Bettman:
Oh man.

 

Campbell:
Wayne, you're applying for my job?

 

Gretzky:
Yeah, Colin. I'm looking to pick up some extra income. You see, my last employer didn't pay me everything they owed me.

 

Bettman:
Um …

 

Campbell:
What? That's an outrage! Tell me who it was, so Gary and I can go take care of it for you.

 

Bettman:
Colie …

 

Campbell:
I mean, this is hockey legend Wayne Gretzky. Anyone who would try to short-change him deserves a serious beatdown!

 

Bettman:
Really not helping here, Colie.

 

Gretzky:
Actually I don't think I'll need your help, because I brought a little backup of my own. I think you gentlemen remember
(pauses dramatically)
… Marty McSorley.

 

(Bettman and Campbell look behind Gretzky at an empty doorway.)

 

Gretzky
(confused)
: Marty? That's your cue, Marty.

 

(From outside comes the sound of tires squealing as a car makes a speedy getaway.)

 

Gretzky:
I don't understand. Why would he take off instead of … oh. Hey, Wendel, didn't see you there.

 

Clark:
Hello, Wayne.

 

Gretzky:
I didn't know you were applying for this job.

 

Clark:
Sure am. Want to hear my policy on uncalled high-sticks?

 

Gretzky
(sitting down quickly)
:
No thank you.

 

Bettman:
OK, let's just move on to the next candidate.
(Into intercom:)
Send him in, please.

 

Voice on intercom:
Yes sir.

 

Patrick Roy
: Bonjour!

 

Bettman and Campbell
(immediately)
:
No.

 

Roy:
Oh come on!

 

Campbell:
Patrick, we saw you play. You were a crazy person.

 

Roy:
So you don't want to hear about my “automatic suspension for turning down a goalie fight” idea?

 

Roenick:
And then I deked past the twitching corpse of Sami Kapanen, went in and scored the overtime winner!

 

Clark
(leaning over to Roy)
: Man, is that guy ever annoying.

 

Roy
(removing Stanley Cup rings from each ear)
: What's that? I couldn't hear him.

 

Campbell:
OK, so just to summarize: Wendel Clark wants to punch everyone in the face, Patrick Roy thinks goalie fights should be mandatory, and Jeremy Roenick couldn't run a suspension hearing because he wouldn't let anyone else talk. Also, Wayne Gretzky just high-sticked Gary Bettman in the face.

 

Gretzky
(holding bloody hockey stick)
: Did not!

 

Campbell:
Brendan, do you have anything to say about all this?

 

Shanahan:
Um …

 

(Everyone stares at Shanahan intently.)

 

Shanahan:
Hockey play?

 

Campbell:
I knew you were perfect for this job. You're hired!

 

 

There's really no question about which league rules the sports world in the United States. With all due respect to the NBA, MLB and the NHL, there's just no stopping the NFL juggernaut. Thanks to billion-dollar TV contracts and wall-to-wall media coverage, the sport is simply unavoidable.

Well, if you can't beat ‘em, join ‘em. So even if you're a die-hard hockey fan, you may as well get to know a little bit about the world of the NFL. Here's a look at some of the similarities and differences between the two leagues.

 

 

 

Author's note: Due to an unfortunate scheduling error that is too complicated to explain here, this analysis of the memorable game seven between the Vancouver Canucks and Boston Bruins ended up being published on my website twelve hours before the game was actually played. My sincere apologies for spoiling it for fans who had planned to watch the game that night.

 

So here we are. June 15, 2011. After a six-month season, four rounds of playoffs, and seven grueling games, the NHL has crowned its champion. The Stanley Cup has been awarded. One fan base is devastated, while another will celebrate late into the night.

In the moments after a thrilling game seven, I'd like to address you directly, fans of the winning team.

It seems like only yesterday that your team was struggling through a first-round series against your bitter rivals who historically dominate you in the playoffs. But you survived, just barely, thanks to an overtime goal in game seven. Remember the excitement when the winning goal was scored, by that particular player? Little did we know the controversy that awaited them weeks later.

Your team waltzed through the second round against Peter Forsberg's old team, then beat that non-traditional, warm-weather franchise in the conference finals. And there you were, back in the Stanley Cup final for the first time in a generation. Who can forget that last time you played for Lord Stanley's mug, back in the early nineties? I bet you can still picture your team competing furiously, proudly representing those black and yellowish-gold uniforms that they wore then and perhaps still do, before finally going down to a bitter defeat. Damn you, Mark Messier!

But a generation later you were back, and this time the opportunity would not be wasted. It wasn't easy. It was a vicious series, in which your team persevered despite several sickening cheap shots by the opposing team. You endured your team being taunted with immature finger waves. You watched devastating hits on Nathan Horton and Mason Raymond, fifty percent of which you thought were unquestionably dirty. The entire hockey world outside of your particular city was united against your team, you told us, incessantly. And let's not even mention those shameless homer announcers on the other team's broadcast.

And then game seven. The series had seen it all, from overtime thrillers to lopsided blowouts to everything in between, and game seven certainly fit into one of those categories. All eyes were on Roberto Luongo. Many thought he would rise to the occasion while others thought he would crumble, and in the end we now know they were right. Without question, this game will be his defining legacy.

The end of the game must seem like a blur to you now. There was that goal scored by that one guy, and then that big hit with that other guy, then that other thing done by some other guy, and then the Conn Smythe won by Tim Thomas.

And then, the magic moment you'd been waiting on for four long decades, give or take a year. What fan among you will ever forget the sight of Gary Bettman passing the Stanley Cup into the waiting arms of good old number 33? And who says Europeans can't make great captains? Certainly not anyone who has had the pleasure of watching your team's leader, a truly unique talent. He certainly is one—or at the very most two—of a kind.

And now it's all over but the riot cleanup. Your boys are champions. A Stanley Cup banner will be raised in your arena next year. After an agonizing, debilitating, gut-wrenching test of your endurance as fans, it was all worth it.

But at least you're not like those fans of the other team. Imagine how devastated they must feel right now. Serves them right, those losers. Thank God you have nothing in common with them.