The Best of Fools (Jane Austen Book 2) (26 page)

I was never the type to have many friends. Real friends. I had a ton of people I hung out with, but I always felt alone. Like a puzzle piece that got stuck in the wrong box. I didn't fit. At the end of the puzzle there sat a beautiful picture and then me ... off to the side ... nowhere to fit.

I turned to Don. His phone lit his face as he typed on the screen.

"Hey," I whispered.

He jumped and threw his phone across the room.

I mumbled somewhat of a laugh.

"Scared the crap out of me," he said, getting up to grab his phone.

"Sorry."

He got back into bed. "It's Han. She emailed me and said she wants to give it some time and maybe I can meet her family."

"Sounds scary."

"Sure as hell does."

"Gonna do it?"

"Sure as hell am."

I watched as his thumbs typed their little hearts out. Because thumbs definitely have hearts and I love to be literal.

My lungs collapsed or something, because I needed to inhale as deep as possible to get enough air and even then I felt like I couldn't breathe. I grabbed my chest as my eyes watered. Don glanced at me, then touched my arm as though I were having a heart attack.

"I'm fine," I said between breaths, while wondering what was happening. The room blurred as I squeezed Donovan's arm.

"Jane? You're not okay." He forced me up and held me. "Stop fighting your heart. It wants to feel pain and you keep telling it not to."

I swallowed. My nose burned. My eyes closed.

"I don't know," I said. "My chest hurts. I can't breathe. I want to be strong. I want to be the hero."

"Even hero's have hearts, Jazz." He pulled my shirt down to show my shoulder. "Remember why you got this tattoo." His fingers grazed my tattoo. "It's not who I am underneath, but what I do that defines me. Batman dealt with pain. And so did The Joker. Just in different ways. You can be a hero by loving. Anyone and everyone. Not just romantically. You know this. You know you're already a hero to me."

I leaned against the bed frame and pulled the blankets to my chin, then looked at his concerned face.

"Don't fight the tears, okay?"

"I am my own worst enemy."

"Fight it out with yourself. But don't fight your pain. Let it come. It's only part of you 'till you let it go, then it's gone. You're free."

"I feel like I'll never be able to love," I finally said. "I'm torn between the ideals of my parents and the fear of...."

"Of being hurt?"

"No." I imagined my teenage mother giving birth to me and handing me to her older sister, then disappearing. Not caring about my first words or first steps or first anythings. "Of being abandoned. Of letting someone love me and then watching them walk away one day when they realize it's too hard and I'm not worth it."

He pulled my chin toward him and made me look into his serious, yet gentle eyes. "Listen to me." His eyes searched mine. "If anyone ever feels like you aren't worth a fight, then they're not worth crying over. Your past doesn't define you."

"I know. This is why I always loved the relationship between Batman and Joker. We can't choose our circumstances, but we can choose how we react to them and that shapes our lives. I get it, I get it. But that doesn't change the fact that for whatever reason it hurts to know I was a child of rape just given up so easily and that one day I could finally love someone and give myself to them only to have them walk away."

"Isn't love worth it though? To you?"

"That's the thing, Don. I don't think it is."

"It's worth it to me. I'll take the pain because it shows that I really loved. Whether the person ever loved me back or not, at least I did my part. If Bruce didn't have pain when his parents died, it meant he didn't love them. And if he didn't love them, never had the pain, maybe he would've just been a pointless playboy for the rest of his life instead of a hero."

I watched the green light flicker on the light switch across the room. The air conditioner kicked on and created a comforting hum. Donovan began to fall asleep while sitting up. I pushed him down to the pillow and watched as he folded his hands under his cheek and drifted off into a dream. So peaceful. I always envied his peace. All those times I shoved him away and he never stopped trying, he never lost his sense of calm.

I spent my life wondering who I really was. Who my parents really were and how that shaped me.

Maybe Don was right though. Well, I knew he was right, but try convincing a broken heart of what's right. Pain was a good thing. This dull ache in my chest that turned into a nauseating knife-like searing pain, was a good thing. Because it proved I was alive. It proved I had a heart. And given the right time ... maybe I could love and be loved.

Donovan snorted so loud he woke himself up, then immediately closed his eyes and fell back into a soft snore.

Figures. I finally pour myself out and when I feel a little better ... he snores.

I watched him sleep for a while and I knew it was finally the right time. I felt it as I watched him sleep. He loved me for years. Faithfully without question.

For once, I felt the same. I loved him. My best friend. The only one who knew me. Really, really knew me. And I thought maybe ... maybe I'd finally fallen in love with him.

And maybe I could finally tell him.

After breakfast, Donovan and I traveled to the Mentmore Towers, used in
Batman Begins
, only to find out that I was wrong. We couldn't visit, but a local guy told us we could visit Mentmore Golf and Country Club, then walk parts of the Rothschild Course near the fourteenth and fifteenth holes to get a closer look and maybe snap a picture. Can't say it didn't bum me out, but I had been so distracted with Donovan that it didn't bother me that much. He wanted to go out to dinner later and I planned to tell him the truth over our meal, but throughout the day he kept checking his phone for messages from Han and I was starting to question if it was the right time. And as I questioned ... I felt less in love with him by the minute, to the point that I wondered if I had only dreamed that I was. But no. I knew what I felt. I just didn't understand why the feelings never lingered around.

Not that I believed love was totally based on feelings, but they should have some kind of place in the mix, right?

Donovan and I pretended to play golf throughout the morning as we made it to the view of the house. He took a picture of me with it in the background, then a picture of the back of me as I stared at it. This probably sounds ultra dorky, I know. Not too many people understand my Batman obsession or why it felt so amazing to look at that house, but I loved every second of it and so badly wanted to go inside.

Donovan pulled me toward him and snapped a picture of us both. I smiled as I wondered if it would be our last adventure together as friends. Maybe we'd finally be more.

My phone beeped. Alistair and I used a special app for international texting and I knew that beep was him.

"I know that's lover boy," Don said as we sat in the grass. "Go ahead and answer it."

"How do you know?"

"Know the sound. You kinda smile whenever it beeps. Hard not to notice."

"Did I just smile?"

"Wasn't looking. Just know the sound now."

I opened the message so that I wouldn't seem too weird and read,
Got another song done. I hope everything is okay. I miss our talks.

I responded,
Can't wait to hear it!

Alistair:
Wow. You're up early!

Me:
I am? It's already 10!

Alistair:
Right, but in the States it's only 5am right?

I shoved the phone back in my purse and looked at the house.

Donovan yawned. "Could this be any more boring? We are traveling the world to do this? Stare at mansions?"

I laughed. "Wanna go take a nap before dinner? I'm exhausted."

"Definitely."

We made it to the bed and breakfast in one piece. Driving on the opposite side was extremely weird, plus Donovan kept checking his email. No, he wasn't driving, but every time he checked I had to keep myself from watching for his reaction as he read whatever she had written.

If he was doing this to make me jealous, it was the first time it actually worked.

After waiting for him to finish another message, we finally walked up to the porch of the bed and breakfast.

"Let's sit out in the garden," he said. "Out back."

I followed him to the back where we got comfortable in a few lounge chairs under the shade of a tall tree. It's arms reached down, pretty low actually, and nearly touched the tops of the chairs.

A built-in pool that looked like a pond reflected the sun. I loved the fake lily pads and the flower petals they scattered on top of the water. Truly a natural feeling pool setting. Amazing.

"I'm glad," he said as he finally slid his phone into his pocket.

"To talk to Han?"

He shook his head. "Well, that too, but...."

"To see Batman's house?"

"Hands down the best experience ever." He laughed. "No. That you're finally getting honest with yourself. Feeling stuff. Dealing with your past and your fears."

"I am."

Tiny rays of sunlight shot through the tree branches and leaves. Whoever said England is always rainy got their facts mixed up. It was a beautiful summer day and this quaint little poolside garden was the perfect setting for it. Completely peaceful.

Something jostled the bush behind me.

I jumped. "Some kind of animal is in the bush."

He looked over his shoulder. "Probably just a rabbit." His eyes widened. "Or Edward Cullen."

"Huh?" I settled back in the chair. "Who's that?"

"Pretty sad that I know and you don't."

"If that's the case, let's keep it that way."

We laughed, then sat for a while without speaking, when finally he broke the silence.

"So," he said. "Do you think maybe you're ready to let love in now? Maybe if someone told you they wanted to kiss you ... maybe you'd let him?"

I swallowed and told myself to breathe.
Stay still
, Jane, I said to myself.
Don't panic.

"Actually," I said. "I ... there's something ... um ... yeah."

"I hope you'll say yes, Jane, because I have something for you. Close your eyes."

Butterflies. Whew. Good. Was starting to doubt the validity of my feelings.

"Don." Something rustled the bush again. I ignored it and tried to focus on him. "This is really hard for me."

His face brightened, but he seemed distracted. "Close your eyes, Jazz."

"Wait." Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. "I know it's been years and we've had our ups and downs and a lot of in betweens. I know I've hurt you a lot and I've been closed off, but I'm not that girl anymore. Maybe I am. Well, I probably am still a tiny bit closed off. It's hard to change over night, but these things have been changing me and I feel ready." I searched his eyes for clues to see if he was prepared to hear what I needed to say. He couldn't have looked any happier, so I went on, stuttered a few times, then said, "You waited long enough. I just need to say it."
Say it, Jane. Go on
. "Donovan. I ... I've fallen for you." His eyes darkened. Not the reaction I imagined. "I mean, I've fallen and I can't get up."

His palm flung toward his forehead. Warmth filled my hands as sweat began to form. Then, the bush cracked and shook and a huge thing came out. My heart dropped as I backed away, but it wasn't an animal.

It was....

Shit.

Donovan's hand still covered his eyes as he shook his head.

"Alistair?" I said. "What ... what is...?" I looked from Donovan to him, wondering why I was standing there feeling stupid as hell for pouring my heart out.

"Wasn't how I planned this," Don said. "I sent him a message from your phone while you were showering. I thought I'd surprise you. I thought you didn't want to see him because of me being here. And you're always smiling at his messages. I just thought...."

I panicked and tried to run into the house, but Donovan reached for my arm and gave me the eyes. The serious eyes. The don't-you-act-like-a-baby-and-run-off eyes.

Yes. I was an adult. But this ... this was terribly humiliating. My palms held a thick layer of sweat and my face was catching up. The pool was looking mighty nice. Mighty thrilling.

"I feel a bit out of place," Alistair said as he clumsily set a bouquet of black and yellow roses on the chair next to me. Batman roses. "I should let, um ... I'll just be going now."

His arm brushed mine as he walked by me.

I shivered.

And shook it off.

"Wait," I said. "Alistair."

He turned back, sighed, and walked away. I needed to apologize to him. Or something. But first I needed to finish what I started with Don.

He stared at me with droopy eyes. A smile-less Donovan isn't a normal Donovan, so I wasn't too excited to hear what he had to say. I wanted to crawl into a hole and disappear.

"Well." I clasped my hands in front of me and swayed them. "Looks like I really am the best of fools."

"Jane." Donovan sat down and motioned for me to do the same. "I don't know what to say. I waited years to hear those words..."