The Best You'll Ever Have (18 page)

We covered the prostate in chapter 5, so you can see the logic in tush excitement in men. For women, the evolutionary explanation for our anal sexual response is more mysterious. Regardless of the mystery, the facts are that the anus has a full load of nerve endings and that it pumps intensely during orgasm. If you haven’t noticed that your anus does a wild dance when you come, it’s probably because you haven’t been paying attention. Most women don’t. Resistance against the contractions (having something inside the anus) intensifies sensation. A finger will do. Once you’ve come with a finger in your tush, you may not want to go without again.

On
www.puckerup.com
, Tristan Taorimino’s Web site devoted to anal sex, a woman expresses her fear that she isn’t normal because, after fifteen years of marriage, she and her husband tried anal sex and now she prefers it to vaginal. Taorinimo welcomed her to the club and calmed her fears, writing, “The truth is that we like what we like.” Amen to that.

MYTH NO. 4: Tush Sex Will Be Painful and Could Damage Me

It is, after all, a very tight hole. Insertion could hurt. Badly.

Not so. Consider the girth of fiber-formed stool. That’s wider than a finger, and it doesn’t hurt when it comes out. The butt is stretchy, just like the vagina. The vagina can enlarge enough to accommodate a ten-pound, twenty-inch long baby. The average penis is a mere six inches, with a diameter of a little more than two inches (the average circumference is almost five inches—which sounds like a lot until you think of how circumference is measured). In any case, the butt can handle it.

There is another fear regarding anal sex, but it doesn’t get talked about much. What if doing it stretches the butt muscles permanently? Would that mean you’ll have to start wearing adult diapers? Or if you do it too much, would you start walking with a limp? Or will your waste elimination process be impaired?

When done properly (e.g., slowly, lots of lubrication), tush penetration is 100 percent pain-free. There are no negative after effects. The anus is resilient and pliable and will return to its normal shape no matter what you do to it. Go slowly and use lubricant to prevent tearing the delicate skin. According to Taorimino, anal sex actually tones the sphincter muscles just as exercise tones any muscle group.

I think most of the fear of pain and damage comes from our connecting anal sex and sexual abuse: prison rape, pedophilia, and so on. When anal sex is forced upon someone, of course, it’ll hurt and cause damage. This is also true of vaginal rape. Rape is not sex. It’s a violent crime. If the only association you have of anal sex is rape, then it’s no wonder the idea of doing it yourself is horrifying.

I did some research into our collective-unconscious fears of anal sex and quickly found the infamous eighteenth-century French author whose very name means pain and punishment. The Marquis de Sade (where the word “sadism”—getting sexual pleasure by inflicting pain on others—comes from) wrote many lengthy books and plays about sexual torture. De Sade was a big fan of extremely violent anal sex. His writings have filtered down through the centuries—whether you’ve read his stuff or not—inextricably linking pain with anal sex in popular culture. This link was easily reinforced by religious and legal laws that made anal sex between consenting adults, even married ones, a crime called sodomy. Incidentally, all oral sex is still a crime under the sodomy laws in Utah and Virginia and fourteen states have kept sodomy laws on their books despite a huge repeal movement around the country in 1980. The Supreme Court finally ruled sodomy laws unconstitutional on June 26, 2003.

Practicing and loving consensual sex of any kind shouldn’t be a crime. Anal sex in particular isn’t dirty, perverted, or illogical. It’s an unexplored avenue to sensation. With patience, bravery, and lots of lubrication, a whole new world of pleasure can become available to you. I don’t expect anyone to get in bed tonight and say to her partner, “Let’s take the road not taken, sweetie.” Sit on it for a while. Start slow with gentle touching. See where that takes you.

I used to gag at the idea of anal sex. The idea of a big hard-on ramming
into that tiny tight hole—forget it. You’re probably thinking I’m going
to say “and then, one night …” and it’s probably cliché, but that’s
exactly how it happened. One night, my current boyfriend put his
finger in my ass just a little when he was going down on me. My muscles
gripped his finger, and it felt great. I came instantly. That was a hell
of a shock. The next night, I asked him to do it again. And then he
asked me about anal sex. I told him I was afraid. He assured me he’d
be careful. First, he got me going with his fingers and some lube and
then we did it. I have to admit, my anxiety made it tough for him to
get in at first. I closed up as tight as a fist. So we did other things until
I relaxed. When he finally got in, it felt great, to tell the truth. I was
so surprised. Now, we use butt plugs and anal beads during vaginal sex.
The anal stimulation combined with vaginal and clitoral is exquisite.
What excites me the most about the anal play is that it still has
a dangerous thrill to it. No matter how many times we do it, I still
think of it as pushing the limits of normal.
—Stacy, 24

Ten Truths about the Tush

The tush is involved in every orgasm whether or not you
directly touch it.

Tush sex makes for intimate connections. You must agree to
proceed and talk about what you’re feeling while you’re doing it.

The receiver has to be the one commanding the action.

Preparatory foreplay is needed, just like vaginal intercourse,
but more so. The anal sphincter muscles will open, but they
require stimulation first. Take your time. Never push or force.

The sphincters are muscles. Any exercise tones muscles.
Anal sex is exercise for those muscles. It won’t weaken them;
it strengthens them.

A cultural taboo isn’t correct merely because it exists.
Women in the workforce were once considered “unnatural.”
Blowjobs were once the work of whores. Question your
beliefs before you dismiss the practice outright.

One must wash (or change condoms) before switching finger
or penis or sex toy from vagina to tush or the reverse.

The rectum is not a holding area for feces, and it’s relatively
clean. If you’re in good health, have a thorough shower,
and know that you don’t need to have a bowel movement;
there is no reason to have fears of messiness.

Using lubricant is required for comfortable tush sex. You
can’t be too thin, too rich, or have too much lubricant.

You don’t need another person to explore your tush.
Have adventures with your fingers or toys to improve
your orgasms.

Step-by-Step Guide to Tush Play

Use a lot of lubricant.

With a well-manicured, well-lubricated finger, rest it gently on
and/or massage the anus while you do other things (e.g., oral sex,
hand job, etc.).
The tush will open up on its own when it’s ready. Use a latex glove to ensure cleanliness and to relax your mind.

Never push your finger or anything else into someone’s tush, and
never let anyone push you.
Go slowly, and slide.

Don’t have tush sex if you’re drunk.
Pain thresholds rise if you’re blitzed or high, and you might wake up with a real pain in the ass.

Never let go of anything you put near the tush.
This is a rule I can’t believe is necessary to make, but I’ve heard too many stories of late-night trips to the emergency room. Once the tush gets excited, it starts sucking things in. Unlike the vagina, the colon is not a cul-de-sac. It’s amazing but true that you have to keep a good hold on anything that goes inside the anus or you might find yourself saying to a triage nurse, “I put this vibrating egg in my boyfriend’s butt, and all of a sudden, it was gone.”

Have fun.
Let the illicit associations power your passion, not squash it.

Lube Review

We have a little mantra at Safina, “More lube, better sex.” If you don’t already subscribe to this thinking, you won’t be sorry if you adopt it. Lubricant makes sex smoother all around.

Two warnings: (1) household products not intended for sex—Vaseline, hand moisturizer, baby oil, butter—shouldn’t be used. Some can degrade condoms and toys and/or they just shouldn’t be inside you. Why risk a yeast infection or any other problem? Use real lubricant for safe fun; (2) lubricated condoms don’t have enough lubricant for tush sex. You need to use more. Nonoxynol-9 was originally developed as a detergent and has been found to inhibit HIV, but it can irritate some people. If you find this is true for you, there are plenty of condoms out there without Nonoxynol-9, and no matter what, use more lubricant.

There are two main types of sex-safe lubricant: water-based and silicone. After looking at all the lubes out there, we decided that Safina should carry one water-based lubricant and one silicone-based lubricant for simplicity. Be assured that I picked the best. The water-based lubricant we sell is Liquid Silk; the silicone is Eros Bodyglide.

Water-Based Lubricants

* Water-based means that the lubricant is less likely to cause yeast infections (one allergy warning: some contain glycerin— but not Liquid Silk).

* You can use it with any sex toys.

* Great for vaginal sex but less fabulous for tush sex. It tends to absorb into the skin and you need to keep adding more.

We chose Liquid Silk because, as the promotional material reads, it “reduces friction in relationships.” It’s packaged like hand cream in an attractive pump bottle, and it really does feel like liquid silk. Val, my co-author, can’t recommend it highly enough. She says it has changed her sex life.

Other popular water-based lubricants: Maximus, thicker than Liquid Silk; Astroglide; Wet; Eros Water Formulation; ID; O’My, which has hemp in it; Hydrasmooth comes in a hand cream–like tube; and Slippery Stuff. Many of these are available in flavors, which are fun, but don’t use them if you’re prone to yeast infections. The flavor comes from sugar, and that can set off a raging infection.

Silicone-Based Lubricants

* Very concentrated. A little bit goes a long way.

* Thicker and more slippery feeling than water-based lubricants.

* Not to be used on silicone toys; it will degrade them.

* Great for anal sex because it stays slippery and won’t absorb into the skin.

I’m of the mind that water-based lubricant is best for vaginal sex and silicone-based lubricant is best for tush sex. I prefer Eros Bodyglide. Just a personal preference. Others include Wet Platinum, Bodyfluid, and Venus (also made by Eros).

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