The Biggest Part of Me (25 page)

Jason’s mind went blank.  Then it snapped back at the thought.  As curious as a young child with a new toy, he looked at Jane.  “Janie!  You’re going to have a baby?”

Violent anger swirled inside of her.  She yelled, “No, I’m not going to have a baby!  Your lover is!”  She put her head back down and began to weep bitterly.

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“I believed you.  I was so stupid.  I said I’d never be devastated again and now look at me.”  The ramblings went on and on.  She couldn’t stop the words as they poured forth, in a way, attempting to cleanse her battered soul.  “You’re going to have a child with someone else and I’m stuck alone again.  What a moron!  I’m good at my job.  I’m great at my job.  Why can’t that be enough for me?”

“Wait a minute!”  Jason’s head was about to explode.  “How can I be a father if you’re not the one pregnant.  You’re not pregnant?”

So tired, Jane lifted her eyes to stare straight ahead, as if seeing a scene from long ago.  Quietly with a clear determination she said,  “No, I’m not the one having the baby.  I lost ours.  God, I didn’t think it would still hurt.  After all these years it still hurts so much I can’t stand it!”  The crying increased with the intensity of an injured animal.

The words “I lost ours” echoed and vibrated in Jason’s head.  His face became very pale as he murmured, “What do you mean you lost ours?”

Struggling through her tears, Jane looked into Jason’s eyes.  It was time to tell him.  In a small voice, a voice of a child, she started.  “Jason, I never went to Europe seven years ago.”

“Of course you did.  You studied at Oxford and toured.” 

“No.”  She sniffed.  “A week before I was to leave I found out I was pregnant.  With your child.”

The blood drained out of Jason’s face.

“I cancelled my trip.  Mom came up to New Jersey with me and we got an apartment.  She wanted to take care of me so I could still go to classes.  When I was seven months along something happened.  I started bleeding.  They took me to the hospital but it was too late.  The baby died.”  The crying started again.

This time Jason did lift her and then sat with her on his lap cradling her head while rocking gently.  “Why didn’t you tell me?  I should have been with you.”  Tears began to leak from his eyes.

“At first I couldn’t find you to tell you I was pregnant.  You weren’t in your old dorm.  I tried to call your family but they only said that they would relay the message.”  Jane sighed.  “Then I just stopped trying.  It was obvious you didn’t want to talk to me.”

Jason cursed his foolishness.  His effort to protect Jane had resulted in his being absent when she really needed him.  He lowered his head to hers and whispered over and over, “I’m so sorry, baby.  I’m so sorry.”

After Jane was all cried out, she got a second wind.  And a determined resolve.  It was time to get on with the business of life.  She was finished crying.  There was work to be done.

She stood up and walked to the door.  “Jason, the past is the past.  But we have to think about the present.  CARL.  I need to get back to work as I’m sure you do too.”

Not sure about what she was saying and not wanting to upset her he answered, “Okay.”

“I think you should leave now.”

“You’ll call me if you need me?”  Jason was skeptical.

“I’ll be fine,” Jane said without looking at him.

Jason wanted so much to touch her but he knew she wouldn’t respond.  Maybe she just needed time to get through this.  As he left the apartment, he phoned Sally to assure her that paramedics were not needed.  It wasn’t until he was pulling out into traffic that he remembered she had said something about his lover having his baby.  What was that about?  He would have to find out when she was ready to discuss it.

Meanwhile, Jane went back to her rocking chair and pulled the quilt around her.  She just wanted a few more minutes to think.  As more tears threatened, she forced her mind to think about the week, and the next week, and the next month.  She had to get back to the business of advancing her career.

Instead she only thought about her baby.  And about Jason.

And about the life she would never have with him.
 

CHAPTER TWELVE

The morning of the big presentation came with great fanfare.  The Talbot Toys executive floor was decorated with banners and balloons wishing “good luck.”  In anticipation of success, a large buffet lunch and a huge cake had been ordered for a celebration.

All the chinks in the CARL project had been hammered out.  All the little problems that had mysteriously surfaced had been handled.  There was nothing left but to demonstrate with confidence the merits of the project.

Jason had been in contact with Jane briefly, checking on details for the presentation.  Actually he wanted to make sure that she was okay.  The discovery that she had lost their child years ago had shocked and saddened him but his concern now was for her.  He had never seen her as upset as she had been that day in her apartment.  His heart hurt for her. 

Since then, she had been polite and professional with him.  He knew she wasn’t ready to continue the conversation.  That would change tonight.  After the meeting, the schmoozing, the party, he would take Jane back to his place.  They would have a long talk about their past.

And their future.  He couldn’t wait.

Sitting at his desk, Jason reviewed the agenda for the morning.  Impulsively, he fingered the small box in his pocket, smiling to himself.  Today was the day.   He would ask Jane to be his forever and finally slip that diamond ring on her finger.  A light knock on the door startled him.

“Boss, there’s a server here with some legal documents for you, “ Shelly said, peeking in the office.

“Send him in,” Jason said thinking that the legal department probably had papers for him.  Signing the receipt and dismissing the server, he opened the envelope.  He sat stunned, not moving.  He couldn’t have moved if he’d wanted to.  There in front of him were papers with the heading “Divorce Settlement.”  Glancing down he saw the papers were intended to dissolve the marriage of Jane Elizabeth Kendall Collins and Jason Robert Collins, the cause being irreconcilable differences. 

As if in a dream, he looked through the papers, noticing Jane was not asking for anything, except his signature.  He looked at his desk calendar—the three months were over.  Their secret marriage was over.  He felt as if a knife had stabbed him in the chest. 

Fury filled Jason.  How could he have been so gullible?  She had lain in his arms, loved him tenderly.  Had it all been a joke?  She had professed her love for him so sincerely.  Was it all a big lie?  Maybe that little visit from Ed had not been the innocent meeting that she had said.

No, this was Jane, not some villain.  He had never known her to be so calculating, so devious.  He put his elbow on his desk and put his fist to his chin thinking.  Maybe losing their baby had been too much for her to remember.  She was still grieving over it.  If she had sent divorce papers, it was because she really wanted a divorce.  No matter how gut wrenching it was to Jason, he had to admit that nothing, absolutely nothing would change the fact that he loved her.  If she wanted a divorce, then that was what he’d give her. 

So, just as he had done his whole life, he gave Jane what she wanted.  He signed the papers.

The offices at Patterson Marketing Agency were buzzing.  The CARL team was gathering all the marketing materials to be taken to the small auditorium at the Talbot building.  At the threat of theft, Jane had two guards watching everything being packed up.  It gave her a satisfaction that they would be made public now.

However, her thoughts had shifted.  She no longer sought the promotion that this job would give her.  She was doing it for Jason.  She wanted to succeed for him, for all the hard work he had invested into CARL.  She wanted him to succeed.  Jane sighed.  Even knowing that he was having a baby with someone else, even knowing that CARL was the only thing between them now, she wanted his success.

A messenger from Talbot Toys knocked on Jane’s door.  Accepting the envelope, she sat at her desk, not knowing what kind of information she would find in the envelope.  The words “Divorce Settlement” caused her eyes to immediately blur. 

Sally entered Jane’s office with a fresh cup of coffee.  “Jane, what is it?  You’re not having a relapse from the other day, are you?”

All the color had run out of Jane’s face.  She sat there motionless with tears streaming down her face.  Quietly, she said, “I . . . I just got some bad news that’s all.  Could I have a moment alone, Sally?  Please?”

Not wanting to leave her stricken boss she said, “Are you sure?”  Sally would stay close in case she needed to call 911.

Jane gave a weak nod and watched Sally leave.  Lowering her head on her desk she realized that she should have expected this.  Business had always come first with Jason.  He merely had wanted her until her job with CARL was completed.  Dana had been right. 

In addition, he was going to be making a life with another woman and their child.  Of course he was sending divorce papers? 

Jane swiftly lifted her head to see the calendar.  Three months.  The three-month marriage was over.  Well, actually the seven-year and three-month marriage was over.  She had given her heart to him, again, and now it was over.  The hurt was too much to bear, harder than when they parted seven years earlier.

Jane laid her head on her desk and wept.

The meeting was scheduled for eleven sharp.  All parties were assembled in the small auditorium.  Jane had set up her media presentation next to the platform set for the Talbot Toy Company. 

After crying alone in her office for a while, Jane pulled herself back together.  She had refused to see anyone, including Ed.  She wanted to fix her face, review her notes, and get on with the job of showcasing CARL, what she was paid to do. 

Just before eleven, Jane took a seat on the first row, left side, to wait for her turn to be called.  At eleven on the dot, the double doors in the back opened and in walked the Japanese delegation along with the executives of Talbot Toys.  Jane would not look up.  Why did she think this wouldn’t be hard?  Ever so slightly, she looked up to find Jason.  He looked so good in his navy blue Armani suit and turquoise blue silk tie.  So handsome.  She had even helped him buy that outfit a few weeks ago specifically for this meeting.  She felt a large lump in her throat.  His eyes were determined, purposeful.  He handled the foreign visitors with ease.  So classy, so sophisticated was her soon-to-be ex-husband.  Unexpectedly, Jason’s eyes met hers.  They were hard.  She couldn’t bear to look so she looked down at her notes.

Jason began his presentation with the grace and elegance of the professional businessman that he was.  He was witty.  He was charming.  He was knowledgeable.  He even spoke to CARL in Japanese eliciting CARL’s response in Japanese.  The delegation was enchanted. 

Everything was going without a hitch.  Then Jason paused.  Taking a breath, he said, “And now, we’d like to present to you our media campaign designed by the Patterson Marketing Agency of New York.  Miss Jane Kendall, marketing specialist, will present.  Miss Kendall.”  Without looking at her, he yielded the floor to polite applause.

This was a big moment for Jane.  She knew it.  She stood, straightened her shoulders, smiled, and walked to the front, next to her materials.  Her presentation was met with smiles and laughs as the commercials for CARL were shown.  Getting to demographics she explained how the toy would be targeted to markets all over the world.

Impressive was the only word that Jason allowed himself to think.  He knew all the materials backwards and forwards, but the sincere way that Jane presented it made her seem like a trusted friend, someone to listen to, not a slick salesman only out for a buck.  The delegation sensed it.  They were smart enough to know.  When Jane’s presentation ended, the applause became cheers.  Jason knew that the delegation was hooked.

After the meeting, the delegation was left in the auditorium to discuss the proposal, while the others went to a small reception room.  Nerves were on edge as the alcohol flowed freely.  Jason grabbed a vodka to take the edge off.  As he saw Jane, his eyes narrowed and he swallowed hard.

Jane stayed on her side of the room drinking her wine.  She could feel his eyes on her but didn’t look.  She stopped sipping and began gulping.  Not more than ten minutes later, the Japanese delegation returned, all smiles.  The head of the delegation, Mr. Hiroshi, approached Jason, bowing slightly and smiling.

“Mr. Collins.  We were most impressed with the CARL.  We have no doubt that it will be successful.  We extend to you our sincere invitation for you and your team to grace us with your presence at our exposition.”

Cheers went up all over the room.  Jason practically shook Mr. Hiroshi’s hand off thanking him several times.

“We must congratulate you not only on your incredible invention but the way it will be marketed.  Could I please meet the young woman that moved us so?”

Jason tried to be calm.  “Of course.”  Finding Jane, Jason called and motioned for her to come over.  “Mr. Hiroshi, may I present Miss Jane Kendall.”

Mr. Hiroshi bowed slightly.  “Ah, Miss Kendall, that was an excellent presentation.”