The Bigot List: (A J.J. McCall Novel) (21 page)

“Well, sir. There are twenty-two people working in this office, at least eight of which have access to the vault. We’ll find out which one is involved tomorrow, if you allow us to go forward with the op.”

He nodded and let out a long sigh. “In the meantime, I’m ordering security to sweep this entire building. They can start tonight before our perceptive employees arrive in the morning and rumors become another distraction.”

He stood and patted Tony’s shoulder before walking to the door. “Let me get home before my wife threatens to divorce me...for the
second
time this week. You two get some shuteye. You’ve got important work to do tomorrow and we’re all counting you.”

“Yes, sir,” Tony said. He secured the door behind him.

J.J. and Tony glanced at each other, relieved. Their shoulders sagged and breathing calmed. Although they’d made some significant progress, they were far from in the clear.

“Whew! That was a close one,” J.J. said. “You know I got to thinking if the device is here, nine times out of ten, the receiver is here too.”

Without hesitation, she walked straight to Chris’s desk. Both Lana and Jack had suspected he was dirty. Maybe he’d left the evidence to prove it. She opened he desk drawers, one after the other. Scouring through his office supplies. Looking for anything that appeared unusual or out of place. Any kind of electronic that could be used as a receiver. When she reached the bottom drawer, she saw it. An iPod with a flash drive embedded in the rear casing. She turned it on, but the display didn’t operate normally. The backlight glowed on, but no menu appeared. She examined the seams along the edges.

This has been opened.

She held it up in Tony’s view. “I’ll bet you ten-to-one this is it. Probably uses the flash drive to save the recordings. I’ll take this to security and let them scan it.”

“Chris. Rat piece of shit.”

“Come hell or high water, he’ll get his comeuppance before the day’s end.”

“Indeed.”

The look in Tony’s eye said he was now in it for the long haul. Sink or sail, they were in the same boat. She loaded the briefcase and scanned the office. One way or another, the office would never be the same. And two days might spell the end of her ten-year career.

“Listen, I was wondering if I could stay at your place tonight...on the couch, of course. We gotta be in the park by 5 am and my place is farther from the city than yours.”

She hesitated to answer out of more than her fear of love; she’d made a promise to Tony she hadn’t kept. “Hmmm. Is this because you don’t want to drive...or because you want to keep an eye on me...or because you want to keep a hand on me?”

“Maybe all of the above,” Tony said, a smile seizing his lips. “Okay, just the first two. Whadaya say?”

J.J.’s skepticism and stress level were both on overdrive. Maybe with the security of Tony’s presence she could finally get a good night’s rest. Her biggest fear was, of course that neither of them would sleep. She and Tony sacking out in her condo was the definition of pulling strings, and Tony was yanking the hell out of them. Perhaps he didn’t grasp the full gravity of his suggestion. Maybe he believed they could resist temptation despite their innermost desires. Or maybe he realized the other night could have destroyed their friendship and he decided to reverse course and suppress his feelings. Or...maybe he knew the position he was putting them in and his desire surpassed all reason. This could mean trouble for the both of them. Big trouble.

But, after all, trouble was J.J.’s middle name.

Wednesday Night…

T
ony stared helplessly at the shelf containing a mishmash of cable boxes and receivers. He had no idea he’d need an engineering degree to turn on the television.

“How do you turn on the TV.?” he called out.

“You’ve been here twenty minutes and already you wanna take over the remote controls,” she said exiting her bedroom. J.J. had scuttled away  to put on her pajamas as soon as they crossed the threshold, nearly overheating at the thought of a man spending an entire night in her home. After all, she was no spring chicken and it had been a while since she’d been locked in with someone for whom she cared so deeply.

“You mean all twenty of them? No, I’m a one-remote kinda guy,” he said. “I’d just like to watch the NFL channel. They’re replaying Sunday’s Jets-Patriots game that I missed thanks to Mr. Dmitriyev.”

J.J. walked to the shelf and turned on everything in about ten seconds, shaking her head at his technical ineptitude.

“Men!”

“Can I get a beer?”

“Sure, they’re in the refrigerator. I’ll have one too while you’re at it.” She grabbed the briefcase containing the files and plunked them down on the couch. He gave her a look that said “I wish I could kick your ass back to the 1950s.”

She snickered and jumped up to grab one from the icebox, returning seconds later. She placed them atop coasters on the coffee table. “Here you go! Do you want me to throw your clothes in the washer? I pulled out some of my brother’s old gym stuff and laid them on the bed if you want to change. You guys are about the same size.”

“That’ll work. Appreciate the offer,” he said as he headed for the bedroom. “Now while I’m changing, no peeking!”

“Don’t worry, I don’t need to…,” she said, “…the camera’s running.”

She grabbed a stack of paperwork from the dining room table and  planted herself in a seat at the end of couch furthest from Tony.

He returned just few minutes later, dressed in a pair of Lakers’ basketball shorts and a matching sleeveless T-shirt, exposing everything J.J. prayed hid beneath his clothes but that she hadn’t seen in the flesh. Now she wanted to devour him in every heavenly way imaginable.

Lord have mercy on me!
she thought to herself.
Jesus be the Great Wall of China
!

She pushed the hot, sweaty thoughts of a forbidden night with him from her mind; her skin grew flush. She glanced away, moving her gaze from the T.V., to the floor, to the ticking clock outside the kitchen, anything was better than dealing with the surge of emotions overwhelming her as she looked at him.

“You all right?”

“Uhhhh...yeah. I’m fine.” Without realizing it, she fanned herself with a file folder. “Is it warm in here? I think I need to crack open a window.” She popped up and slid open the patio door a few inches to the left.

Tony noticed her flustered appearance and chuckled. “Maybe, you better have a sip of your beer. It’ll cool you down.” He grabbed both bottles and clasped them between his fingers before opening them. Then he held one out for her. The curve in his pecks called to her as he reached out his arm.

She trembled inside. Only a cold shower or a warm bed could offer the kind of cooling she needed. “Salut. Here’s to a few sips of beer,” she said as their bottle clinked together. “Now. On your next visit, you are no longer a guest. You can get your own beer...and mine too while you’re at it.” She returned to her seat at the sofa’s edge. She wanted him, to feel him inside her, to press her body against his, but life was too complicated and her fears too stifling.

“Next visit, huh?” He looked at her and winked.

“Careful, Tony. You’re pulling strings again.”

In one swift motion too fast for J.J. to react to or comprehend, Tony emptied his seat and appeared in the one next to her. Unnerved, her mouth fell slightly open. She planned to run, but he grabbed her forearm before she could flinch. “Hear me out,” he said tilting his face toward hers. To fight him would be a futile exercise. She knew it. And he knew it. “We’ve been, you know, pulling strings for a long time now. I don’t know about you, but I’m kind of liking what I see. Maybe pulling strings ain’t such a bad thing.”

“I’m not sure what you’re trying to say.” She stared at her knees wondering how long it would take her to fall if she tried to stand.

He craned his neck, tried to draw her gaze to his face, but her eyes remained fixed on her knees instead; they were harmless. They could convince her of nothing.

“I’m saying...I’m saying that we have a lot of reasons to fight against this ‘thing’ between us—our families, society...ourselves. But when I see your smile, I don’t see a black woman. I see my life. Everything in here,” he pressed his hand to his heart, “tells me to deal with the bullshit and fight for you...for us.”

She gasped and placed her hand over her mouth. Finally, he’d spoken the words she’d longed to pass his beautiful Italian lips. She wanted so much to reach out to him, to melt away in his arms. But their lives were too complicated, love too unpredictable, and society too unaccepting. Perhaps her wounds from the debacle with Six had yet to heal. Maybe she needed to tend to her own unfinished business before starting something new. Or maybe, for a change, she could stop thinking with her head and leap with her heart. She shuffled the files around nervously on her lap, disturbing the pregnant silence as she fished for a response.

“Well?” Tony asked, his eyes still chasing hers.

She sighed and finally looked at him. Eye to eye. Everything in her heart affirmed her desire, but the timing, the timing couldn’t be worse. Then again, it couldn’t be better either.

The answer came. Her response required courage she didn’t possess at the moment, but she hoped to find it sooner than later. “How about we get through this op and we’ll talk about it again when we’ve put this mess behind us tomorrow? Just one more day.”

He reluctantly nodded. “Under one condition.”

“What’s that?”

“Rub my feet. My corns hurt.”

She laughed and shook her head. What else could she do with a man who stopped her heart one moment and cracked her up the next...except share her life with him?

“Oh, I’ll rub your feet all right.” She grabbed a pillow and pounded him over the head. They bowled over in laughter when he finally  submitted.

“Actually,” she said. “I’ve got a much better idea.”

•  •  •

“Ooooooooh, J.J. That. Feels. Sooooooooo gooooooood! Don’t stop! Don’t stop!” Tony moaned, his eyes rolling in the back of his head. She’d expressed his body to sublime ecstasy.

She smiled, enjoying the sight of him. He was her heaven on Earth. “Is it warm?”

“Mhmmm hmmmm. Warm and wet. Just the way I like it.”

“I’m gonna stop in a minute,” J.J. said. “You gotta get down here and do me next.”

He peered through his half-open lids. “Do
you?
”

“Yeah! My feet hurt, too. You can change the water in the Dr. Scholl’s foot bath while I take a seat.”

“Oh, all right,” he said laughing. “It’s only fair.”

She smiled to herself, knowing he would.

Tony made her choice easy and yet hard at the same time. Did he really understand what they’d be getting into? She understood the issue of race and America in a way he never would, at least until he started dating
her
. Could he handle the rude awakening, the inevitable moment when society reminded him just how white she isn’t? Times had changed in some ways to most people. But not enough to all.

Maybe she was jaded by years of watching her parents in the struggle. Loving Six was easy because he was black. Leaving him was easy because he was an asshole. Loving Tony wasn’t easy, it was effortless, a natural state of being. Avoiding him because he was “not black” was the most difficult thing she’d ever done.

There were times when J.J. adored Tony’s honesty and the fact that he never made her itch. This was not one of those times.

Decisions. Decisions.

As she later slipped into bed and submerged herself beneath her comforter, she tried her best to drown out the latest string of events. Her mind spun, flustered with the onslaught of challenge after challenge. She couldn’t sleep. She reached into the nightstand, grabbed a fifth of Belvedere and gulped until her troubles washed away.

•  •  •

“Rise and shine sleepy head,” Tony said as he poked his head through her bedroom door. Four a.m. came four hours too early for Tony, and he knew J.J. was usually a late sleeper. He could hear the wind rustle the windows as he eased through the threshold. “J.J.? You hear me?”

She still didn’t respond, probably couldn’t hear him above her snores. He eased toward the bed calling her name and she didn’t flinch or move. As he reached on her nightstand to turn on the lamp, the moonlight shone on her face. She looked so angelic, so precious. He wanted to plant the sweetest of kisses on her lips but smiled instead. As he pressed his finger against the light switch, words emerged from her steady rumbles.

“I love you, Tony,” she murmured, followed by another round of snores.

He froze and drank in every delicious word. Then he shook it off.
She’s just dreaming
, he thought. Then again, she was dreaming of him.

Suddenly, her leg jerked and he heard a glass bottle fall hit the floor. She awakened, just as Tony lifted the empty bottle from the floor.

“Why didn’t you wake me up?” she said, running her tongue across her teeth, still groggy from the alcohol’s effects.

“Believe me, I tried. What the fuck is this? You promised me!”

“I’m sorry, Tony!” she said, scrambling to untangle her feet from the blankets. She rushed to him, arms outstretched. “I’m so so sorry! I-I couldn’t sleep. I haven’t slept in weeks. Months. Maybe years. I don’t know. I thought with you here, I could—But I couldn’t—So I—”

“Stop, just stop it, J.J. I don’t want to hear it!” Tony snatched his arm from her grip.

She placed her hand on him again but still he rejected her. “I swear to God, Tony! I wouldn’t lie to you.”

“Yeah, well, apparently, you have no trouble lying to yourself! Don’t you understand we’ll be failing a polygraph tomorrow and two men will die if this op doesn’t go as planned? There’s no way I’m gonna let you go on this operation this morning.”

She stopped cold, took a step back. “Let me? You can’t ground me like I’m some kid. This is
my
operation… for
my
source.”

“Oh, your operation, huh? So I’ve just been following behind you with my head in my ass, is ‘at what you’re tryin’ to say?”

She shook her head no and walked up to him. Within seconds, his hand was in hers and he was slow to pull away. “No, that’s not—. Tony I’m sorry,” she began, tears streaming down her eyes. “Everything’s been spiraling out of control and I don’t know how to handle it. I don’t know what to do. But God, if I hurt you. If I lost you, I don’t...I don’t—”

She released him, returned to the bed, and rained blankets of tears into her palms.

In all the time Tony knew her, he’d never seen J.J. cry. As with everything else in her life, she’d excelled so well at concealing her fears and emotions that the depth of her pain stunned him, stopped his breath. He had no idea she hadn’t slept. He had no idea her life was so out of control.

Everything had changed. She had exposed her deepest weaknesses and vulnerabilities to him and he saw her with new eyes—the eyes of a man who loved her come what may. His anger subsided, and he now wanted nothing except to stop her from hurting. 

He knelt in front of her, wiped the tears from her eyes, and caressed her cheek. “I didn’t know J.J., I didn’t know. But I’m here and I’m not going anywhere, Hai
capito
?” he said.

She smiled weakly.

“We’ll make it okay,” he said, the corners of his lips lifting at the corners. “Whadaya say we just get this op over with today and we’ll figure out a solution later...together?”

She nodded and released his hands. Then she dragged her pajama sleeve across her eyes as she stepped into the closet and pulled some Dockers and a polo shirt from their hangers.

Watching her step into the bathroom and flip the light on, Tony teased, “Now, can a brotha get some coffee?” 

Before she shut the door, she shook her head and chuckled. “Yeah...at Starbucks. It’s on the way!”

Inside the bathroom, J.J. dropped her clothes on the floor and gripped her right wrist so tightly the rush of blood made her fingers turn red. She wondered if she could even hold steady her toothbrush; she couldn’t will her digits still no matter how hard she tried. 

“Not today,” she said in a whispered scream. “Not today!”