The Bond That Built Us (19 page)

He kisses the tip of my nose and hops off the couch to call Josh. I
cover my face with my arm and grumble nonsense until I hear him come back into the living room. I lean up on my elbows as he has the phone in his hand at his side and he looks at me like he’s afraid to tell me something.

“What?” I blurt out.

He visibly gulps and sighs nervously. “I guess somebody interviewed Cara.”

That is all he needs to say. Nothing good could come out of this story. Cara hates me and has been doing anything and everything to prove that to me since high school. But even though I don’t want to hear about it, I probably need to know and his demeanor just substantiates this.

“And?”

“She, um… she said that you left that day irrational and you told her you wanted to get back at me for what I did to you.” His face is pale and he prepares for how I’m going to react.

“Well, she’s right about one thing. I was irrational. I was pissed and hurt and wasn’t thinking clearly at all. But I didn’t tell her anything,” I am a little upset but Kellan isn’t telling me something because he wouldn’t be acting this way over just that. “There’s something else, isn’t there?”

“Yeah.”

I sit up and place my hands on my knees, breathing deeply. In and out. In and out. I nod, giving him the okay to tell me.

“She also said that you willingly went into their van.”

“What?!” I shriek. I jump up to my feet and kick my purse across the room. The contents scatter across the floor and my lipgloss rolls back toward me only to stop when it hits the rug. “She wasn’t there! Nobody will believe her.”

“She’s lying and everybody knows it.
She just wants the spotlight on her.”

“She can fucking have it, I never wanted it,” I retort. I’m snapping at him when he didn’t do anything but Cara isn’t here so he is my punching bag at the moment. He knows this so he lets me vent. “
God, I don’t know what she wants from me! I didn’t do anything and she acts like I ruined her life or something.”

“She’s just a vindictive person, that’s all. It’s nothing you did.” We stand there for what feels like ten minutes while I calm down. “Do you want me to stay?” Kellan asks finally.

“No. You go. I’ll be fine,” I say, not looking up from the floor. He comes to me and wraps his arms around me. He kisses my temple and he leaves before I can snap out of it.

Liz smiles at us from across her office. I smile back, though I don’t feel like it. I tried what she said, and I haven’t felt any different. I still wake up frantic every night and I still jump at every little thing. When I tell her this, she just smiles at me and says “these things take time.” I just wish therapists would start off with their ace, their winning hand, instead of prolonging the process and charging more money.

“Now tell me, what would you
two like to accomplish this week? It can be something small, if you’d like,” Liz says kindly, her glasses riding low on her nose.

I glance a
t Kellan and think about what I want. Kellan figures it out before me.

“I would like to be able to sleep for more than five hours straight without waking up.”

“Good, that’s a good goal. What if you don’t reach it this week?” She ponders.

He just shrugs and says, “It would just be another week, then. No different than now.”

“And if you do accomplish it, then what will the reward be?”

He furrows his eyebrows
and looks at Liz. “Wouldn’t sleeping through the night be the reward?”

Liz laughs and shakes her head. “Well, yes, in a roundabout way. But you need to reward yourself for reac
hing that goal. Think about it while I ask Aubrey.” She turns in her chair to face me head on. “What did you come up with?”

“I don’t know. Everything I want seems so… monumental, I don’t think just a week will help.”

“That’s good. We can make long-term goals here, too. It doesn’t have to do with the accident, it can be school related, or relationship related. Anything.” That is what we call it now,
the accident
. She leans forward and cups her hands together, her elbows resting on her knees. She has a run in her black hose along the side of her ankle just above her pleather shoes.

“Well, I’d like to be able to have a normal conversation with someone in my class.”

“Will you elaborate for me?”

I frown and continue, “It’s just that, everyone at school either talks to me about the accident or not at all. I haven’t had an actual conversation with any of my old friends since, aside from Kellan.”

Liz nods a few times and smiles. “Fantastic goal, Aubrey. I think one of the reasons you are so consumed with the accident is because that is all that surrounds you. In addition to your goal, I want you to find something else that has nothing to do with the accident. You can find a sport- like Kellan, or maybe a book club? You told me you like to read.”

“Okay. I can do that,” I say.

A few hours later, while Kellan is at practice, I go online and search for local book clubs. There are a few and I find one that meets the first Monday of the month. I send out an email, begin internet browsing, and within thirty minutes my computer dings with the notification of a new email.

Aubrey, we would love to have you join our club! We just started reading “Room” by Emma Donahue and I thin
k if you start ASAP, you can be done in time to participate in the discussion. We meet in the library on the first Monday of each month. I hope you can make it and if you need to reach me, my contact information is below. Looking forward to reading with you, Shirley.

She seems nice. I like her. I walk to the student library and peruse the shelves looking for the book. I find it and read the synopsis and tuck it under my armpit. It usually takes me less than two weeks to finish a book with all the free time I have, so I look around and grab another book. I decide on a lighthearted romance to try and keep my spirits up.

Plus, maybe reading about sex will help me with my anxiety about it. On my way home I get that feeling, the one where someone is watching you. I casually look around but everyone around me is oblivious to little me.  I quicken my step as my heart speeds up, the unease thickening at every step. Normally, this feeling doesn’t freak me out much. But the fact that Carlos and Andres are still on the run gives me the heebie-jeebies.

By the time I am a block from my apartment I am running full speed. The patches of ice on the sidewalk make this extremely difficult and before I know it my ass is throbbing and wet and the palms my hands are scraped up. I peer left to right to see if anyone saw my clumsiness and pick myself back up. I snatch the books off of the ground and wipe th
e flecks of snow from the covers, analyzing the damage.

I go straight to my bathroom to wash my hands and rub Neosporin on the abrasions. I hear my phone chiming in the living room where I threw my bag. I sprint around the corner, leap over my pile of shoes in the middle of the hallway and dive for my bag. In the process I stub my toe on the couch and I tumble to the floor in pain.
Needless to say the phone has stopped ringing and when I grab it and see that I missed Kellan’s phone call I mumble nonsense and call him back.

“Hey, just got out of practice. Are you at home?” He asks. He sounds out of breath and I can hear a bunch of guys in the background goofing off.

I hold my phone with the tips of my fingers, careful not to touch it with my medicine-covered palms. “Yeah, I just got home myself. I went to the library and on the way back I beat myself up.”

He chuckles into the receiver and asks, “Do I want to know?”

“Oh, you’ll see it. All that is missing is a head injury, but the night is still young.”

“So, you’re fine with me coming over? There’s something I need to talk to you about.” He sounds hesitant, like he doesn’t want to have whatever conversation we are about to have. “It’s not important or anything, I just need to ask you something,” he adds quickly.

“Um, yeah, sure. I’ll be here.” We hang up and my brain works double overtime to get an idea of what he wants. I sit on the couch and with my leg up and knee pressed against my chest, I lean forward and examine my stubbed toe. I can see a little purple bruise begin to form under my toenail and I press on it only to hiss in pain. Idiot.

Kellan trots into the door a few minutes later with his equipment bag in one hand and a half empty bottle of Gatorade in the other. The bag barely clears the door when he drops it and a thud echoes through the room. He puts one hand on the back of the couch and flawlessly hurdles over it and lands in a plop beside me.

He unscrews the lid to his drink and presses the mouth of it to his lips and tips his head back. I watch as his throat works to gulp the red beverage down, until the last drop is consumed. He wipes his Gatorade mustache off with the back of his hand and leans back into the couch.

“How was practice?” I ask, though I know it was no different than the last few days. Calisthenics, sprints, more calisthenics, more sprinting… it’s a wonder he didn’t collapse the first few days.

He shrugs one shoulder and stares down at his empty bottle. “More of the same. I did talk to Corey today.” I whip my head to face him and wait for him to elaborate.

“About what?” I whisper.

“You.”

“Kellan you really need to stop that. Just tell me.”

He keeps eying his Gatorade bottle like it will magically become full again. “He didn’t cheat on you. Those girls just spread the rumor hoping you’d break up with him, and you did.”

I stare at Kellan and wonder why he’s so distressed about that. “Okay,” I drawl out. “And?”

Finally he pivots and looks at me. “He’s not over you. He still loves you and he’s probably going to call you and want to talk about everything.” He immediately straightens up and stares at the bottle again.

“Huh.” I chew on my lip and ponder that for a second. I
did
have fun with Corey, but it was nothing compared to how I am with Kellan now, and we aren’t even dating. The poor guy is squirming around on my couch just waiting for me to jump for joy at the fact that my ex-boyfriend wants me back. “Why did you tell me?”

“I wanted you to know the truth. He didn’t do anything wrong, so he deserves a second chance with you.”

“No he doesn’t.”

He does a double take. “What?”

“He had the chance to get me back. He could have proven himself then, but instead he pouted for, like, a day and started living the single, bachelor lifestyle. Plus, I don’t want him back. That won’t change, no matter what I know.” Kellan moves so he is completely facing me and cups my cheek with his hand.

“Aubrey
, I-“ He starts, but my phone rings, buzzing on the coffee table. Of course, it’sCorey. I smile at Kellan and lift my finger in a ‘one moment’ gesture. When I answer, Corey’s voice does nothing to me like it used to.

“AJ, hey, beautiful. How’ve you been?”

I shrug even though I know he can’t see me. “Pretty shitty, actually. But I’m getting better. What did you need?”

“Well, I wanted to talk to you about… us. What do you think? Can I come over or something?” There is a sense of urgency and pleading in his voice.

“What do you mean, us? There is no
us
,” I say boldly. I’ve never talked back to him like that before and I can tell he is stunned.

“I know, but I was hoping… there’s so much I need to tell you. Are you sure I can’t come over? It would be so much easier face to face.”

“Hmm, I don’t think so, Corey. Kellan’s over and we-“

“
Kellan! Kel McCabe? He said you guys were just friends,” Corey seethes in the phone. Hearing what Kellan said to Corey about being
just friends
hurts a little. “I can’t believe he would do this to me. What a fucking prick!”

I see Kellan flinch, and I know he can hear what
Corey is saying. “Hey, he did nothing to you. There is nothing going on between you and me anymore, Corey. It’s over, it has for a while. I don’t know why you are so upset at Kellan, he did nothing wrong.”

“Bullshit. I told him that stuff about you in confidence and he backstabbed me and used it to his advantage.”

“Whatever. I’m done with this conversation, Corey. It really doesn’t matter what Kellan told me, I have no interest in getting back together with you. I’m sorry. Don’t be mad at Kellan, this is my decision and he has nothing to do with said decision.” Actually he has
everything
to do with my decision, but Corey doesn’t need to know that.

“Fine. Bye, AJ. I’ll see you around some time.”

“You probably won’t. Bye, Corey.” I set my phone back down on the coffee table and before I can apologize, Kellan crushes his lips to mine.

18

Kellan

I don’t know what came over me. It must have been a deadly mixture of my intense workout at practice,
Aubrey’s low cut teal sweater, and the fact that she just told off her ex and defended me. I collide into her and push her onto her back and cover her body with mine. At first she is kissing me back with equal enthusiasm but in an instant she pushes me off.