The Book of Fate (59 page)

With a quizzical look on her face, Atefeh picked up her son who had started crying and went to change him. I got up and went to the kitchen, my usual refuge. I busied myself washing some fruit, giving Shirin time to comfortably update Massoud on the latest news so that they could plan their next move. Atefeh quickly returned to the living room and was desperately trying to figure out what their cryptic and hushed conversation was about. Finally, as if she had overheard enough, she said out loud, ‘Who? Who is getting married?'

Flustered, Massoud snapped, ‘No one!'

And Shirin rushed to his rescue and said, ‘Just one of Mum's old friends whose husband passed away a few years ago. Now, in spite of having sons- and daughters-in-law and grandchildren, she has got it into her head to get married.'

‘What?' Atefeh exclaimed. ‘I can't believe some women! Why doesn't someone tell them that at their age they should be thinking about doing good deeds and properly observing their prayers and fasts. They should be turning to God and thinking about their hereafter. And here they are, still preoccupied with their whims and fancies… unbelievable!'

I was standing there holding the fruit bowl, listening to Atefeh's eloquent sermon. Massoud looked at Shirin and avoided my eyes. I put the fruit bowl on the table and I said, ‘Why don't you just tell the woman to buy a grave and lie down in it?'

‘What sort of comment is that, Mum?' Massoud chided. ‘A spiritual life is far more rewarding than a material life. At a certain age, one should strive to experience this sort of life, too.'

 

My children's attitude to my age and to women my age made me realise why women never like to reveal how old they are and keep their age to themselves like a sealed secret.

The next day, I was getting ready to go to Parvaneh's house when Shirin walked into my room all dressed and ready and said, ‘I am coming, too.'

‘No. There is no need.'

‘You don't want me to go with you?'

‘No! As far back as I remember, I always had a guard. And I hate having a guard. I suggest you all stop behaving this way; otherwise, I will head for the mountains and deserts where none of you will ever find me.'

 

While Parvaneh packed her suitcases, I told her everything that had happened.

‘It is unbelievable how our kids want to quickly send us off to the other world,' she said. ‘I am surprised at Siamak. Why can't he understand? What a fate you have had!'

‘Mother used to say, “Everyone's fate has been predetermined, it has been set aside for them, and even if the sky comes down to earth it will not change.” I often ask myself, What is my share in this life? Did I ever have an independent fate of my own? Or was I always part of the destiny that ruled the lives of the men in my life, all of whom somehow sacrificed me at the altar of their beliefs and objectives? My father and brothers sacrificed me for the sake of their honour, my husband sacrificed me for his ideologies and goals, and I paid the price for my sons' heroic gestures and patriotic duties.

‘Who was I, after all? The wife of an insurgent and a traitor or the wife of a hero fighting for freedom? The mother of a dissenter or the sacrificing parent of a freedom-loving fighter? How many times did they put me on the highest heights and then hurled me down on my head? And I deserved neither. They did not elevate me because of my own abilities and virtues, nor did they cast me down because of my own mistakes.

‘It is as if I never existed, never had any rights. When did I ever live for myself? When did I ever work for myself? When did I have the right to choose and to decide? When did they ever ask me, “What do you want?”'

‘You have really lost your nerve and confidence,' Parvaneh said. ‘You never used to complain like this. It's unlike you. You must stand up to them and live your own life.'

‘You know, I don't want to. It's not that I can't, I can, but there is no pleasure in it any more. I feel defeated. It is as if nothing has changed in the past thirty years. Despite everything I suffered, I didn't even manage to change things in my own home. The least I expected of my children was a little compassion and understanding. But even they were not willing to consider me as a human being who has certain rights. I am valuable to them only as a mother who serves them. Remember that old proverb, “No one wants us for ourselves, everyone wants us for themselves.” My happiness and what I want is of no significance to them.

‘Now, I have no passion and enthusiasm left for this marriage. In a way, I have lost hope. Their attitude has tarnished my relationship with Saiid. When those who I thought were closest to me, who I thought loved me, whom I raised with my own hands, talk like this about me and Saiid, imagine what others will say. Imagine how they will drag us through the mud.'

‘To hell with them!' Parvaneh said. ‘Let them say what they will, you shouldn't listen to any of it. Be strong, live your own life. Despair does not suit you at all. Your solution is to go see Saiid. Get up and call that poor man. He has been going out of his mind with worry.'

That afternoon, Saiid came to Parvaneh's house. She no longer liked to sit in on our conversations and went about her own work.

‘Saiid, I am terribly sorry,' I said. ‘It is impossible for us to get married. I have been condemned to never experience happiness and a quiet life.'

Saiid looked devastated.

‘My entire youth was destroyed by this fateful love,' he said. ‘Even in the best of times, deep inside, I was sad and alone. I am not saying I never paid attention to any other woman, I am not saying I never loved Nazy, but you are the love of my life. When I found you again, I thought God has finally given me a blessing and in the last half of my life he wants to show me its joys. The happiest and most peaceful days I have known were the days we spent together these past two months. Now, not having you is difficult. Now, I feel lonelier than ever before. Now, I need you more than ever. I am asking you to please reconsider. You are not a child, you are no longer that sixteen-year-old girl who needs her father's permission, you can decide for yourself. Don't let me fall again.'

My eyes were brimming with tears.

‘But what about my children?'

‘Do you agree with what they are saying?'

‘No. Their logic is worth nothing to me. It is based on selfishness and self-interest. But with this mindset they will condemn me and they will suffer, they will be confused and dejected. I have never been able to stand seeing them heartbroken. How could I now do something that would make them feel shame, humiliation and sorrow? I will feel guilty for being the cause of their spouses, colleagues and friends looking at them with scorn and disdain.'

‘They may feel like this for a while, but they will soon forget.'

‘What if they don't? What if it stays in their hearts for the rest of their lives? What if this damages the image of me they have in their minds?'

‘It will eventually return to what it used to be,' Saiid argued.

‘What if it doesn't?'

‘But what can we do? Perhaps this is the price we have to pay for our happiness.'

‘And I should make my children pay it? No. I cannot.'

‘For once in your life follow your heart and set yourself free,' he pleaded.

‘No, my dear Saiid… I am not one to do that.'

‘I think you are using your children as an excuse.'

‘I don't know, perhaps. Perhaps I have lost my nerve. What happened was very insulting. I didn't expect such a harsh reaction from them. Right now, I am too tired and depressed to make such a big decision for my life. I feel a hundred years old. And I don't want to do anything out of spite or to prove my strength. I am sorry, but under these circumstances, I cannot give you the answer you want.'

‘But, Massoum, we will be lost to each other again.'

‘I know. I feel like I am committing suicide, and it is not my first time… But do you know what is most devastating?'

‘No!'

‘The fact that both times it was my loved ones who contrived this kind of death for me.'

Parvaneh left.

I saw Saiid a few more times. I made him promise to make amends with his wife and to stay in America. After all, having a family, even one that was not warm and intimate, was better than not having one at all…

After I said goodbye to him, I walked home. A cold autumn wind was blowing in gusts. I was tired. My burden of loneliness felt heavier and my steps more unsteady and weak. I wrapped myself in my black cardigan and looked up at the grey sky.

Oh… what a hard winter lay ahead.