The Boudoir Bible (26 page)

PLATE XVI
THE UNKNOTTED TORTOISE SHELL

The roles of tops and bottoms are elaborated upon throughout “Transcendental Techniques” and the chapter “
The Joy of Play: The Roles of Provider and Receiver
,” but in terms of finding that dynamic balance between limits and pleasure, skilled tops are always aware of their bottoms’ responses and learn to read the signs of potential sensory overload as a clear sign that it is time to lighten up, using a softer tool or shifting focus until the bottom is melting under the top’s touch once again. Similarly, if a bottom seems to be becoming immune to a sensation, and the ceremony loses its pace, it is time to intensify stimulation, change the tool or technique, or move the focus from one body zone to another.

During the Sexual Ceremony, avoid causing sensory confusion by using too many different tools or practicing too many techniques at the same time. For shorter rituals that span the minimum of three hours, explore, for example, a maximum of three different techniques of full-body stimulation in combination with genital stimulation. Lovers will want to reserve their resources and avoid changing tools or techniques haphazardly. Be patient, and cater to every area of the body that can be tantalized with a tool before you put it aside. This is the most effective way to reveal the full extent of a tool’s pleasure-providing capacity.

The more skilled, informed, and understanding partners become through experience, the more targeted and intentional will be the sensations that the tops provide and the more exciting and empowering will be the sensations that the bottoms receive. Once the ceremony has evolved further along its course, tops should not be surprised when truly aroused bottoms begin to beg for more direct contact than they previously agreed to explore. But unless you are journeying toward the higher dimensions of the sexual realm with an experienced partner whom you know well, always stick to the limits established before the ceremony began.

CONSENT, COMMUNICATE, AND CARE:
when transcendental techniques are explored, these are actions that will help to ensure the positive outcome of the Paradise Found Sexual Ceremony.

No matter how hard or soft lovers intend to play, the Sexual Ceremony evolves primarily by consent. Establish the limits of the ritual before it begins, especially if you are playing with an occasional or novice partner. While the bottom will set the boundaries of any session that entails the transcendental techniques of full-body stimulation, if either partner, the top or the bottom, does not feel perfectly comfortable, happy, and secure with the manner in which a session is progressing, that must be made known. It is a mutually shared right
and
a responsibility to interrupt the session if limits are overstepped.

Limits change, even from day to day; partners who enjoy the effects of certain techniques may not always wish to engage in them, particularly if they feel tired or emotionally vulnerable. Similarly, partners who enjoy providing certain sensations may not always be in the mood to do so. Agreeing in advance upon the tools and techniques to be explored, before the ceremony commences, will help both partners better provide for each other’s desires and wishes.

Partners must be in the spirit to play and have fun. Come into the ceremonial space both physically and mentally relaxed and prepared to transcend. Lovers must never make the mistake of coming into the ritual space with unresolved issues at heart. Failure to deal with unresolved issues before the ceremony commences is as problematic as the intentional overstepping of a bottom’s boundaries. Conflict and anger have no place in the temple of erotic loving.

Good communication skills are as fundamental to healthy relationships as they are to the positive outcome of any sexual encounter, and they become all the more relevant when using tools to explore, test, and push sexual limits. As lovers explore the potentials and powers of full-body stimulation, their desires, skills, and inevitably their sense of satisfaction will evolve through ritual after ritual.

When you play with a regular partner, do not assume that the boundaries of your last ritual will be the same the next time. What you want to explore one night may not be what you want to delve into the next. Communicating openly raises a safety net for the well-being of both partners. It reinforces their bond and allows the Sexual Ceremony to evolve harmoniously.

Partners should always feel free to guide each other physically and verbally when necessary. Whether you are topping or bottoming, if at
any time you feel uncomfortable or in danger, you should interrupt the Sexual Ceremony and communicate your reason for the dissatisfaction. Make your fears as well as your needs and desires known in a way that will guarantee that they are respected—be calm, and express yourself clearly. Continue the Sexual Ceremony only if you’ve been able to express your concerns and you feel that they have been heard. If discomfort continues, the ritual should be brought to an end. It is a good idea to eliminate the distasteful tools or techniques from your shared repertoires if this situation occurs again with the same partner.

Skilled and respectful playmates always abide by each other’s wishes and desires, and they never insist on providing sensations that have been disapproved of in the past. If your partner continues to do this, consider changing your playmate! The Sexual Ceremony should progress with respect and trust. These qualities are the foundation of any healthy relationship, and they make the difference between frustration and satisfaction, between torment and ecstasy.

Tops should “check in” with their bottoms if they are not responding positively to a given sensation, or even if they have slipped into an ecstatic, endorphin-induced trance. Checking in simply entails asking the bottom if he or she is okay and enjoying the sensations. While this practice might seem counter to that of the professional BSDM scene, being that the master or mistress of ceremonies is expected to be in total control of the situation, in the context of the Paradise Found Sexual Ceremony, it is a fundamental safety measure. Checking in will help guarantee the positive outcome of the ritual for both partners, from a physical as well as an emotional point of view.

The longer and more all encompassing a session grows, the more important the simple act of checking in becomes. In extended sessions, both partners are likely to experience trancelike states from the emission of the theta brain-wave frequency and endorphin and hormone
elation. But the top must never forget to remain aware of the bottom’s psychophysiological state and be ready to respond accordingly.

Pushing sexual limits within a controlled and well-organized ritual environment over extended periods of arousal has the power not only to elevate the practitioners to transcendental degrees of sexual satisfaction but also to unveil the core of the inner spirit. Extensive and particularly intense periods of stimulation may lead to the rare and unexpected release of deep, formerly unconscious emotions. This emotional symphony, known as catharsis, is instigated through the overstimulation of the limbic system. The complex functions and structures of this enigmatic part of the brain are still cause for academic dispute, but most researchers agree that the interrelated structures of the limbic system allow us to perceive pleasure as well as pain. Associated with self-preservation and instincts, the limbic system is associated with our innate drive to seek the principal motivators of life—pleasure and happiness.

One of the limbic system’s key glands is the hypothalamus. The hypothalamus not only secretes hormones and synthesizes endorphins but also serves as a link, via the pituitary gland, to both the nervous system and the endocrine system. The hypothalamus is one of the glands that produce the hormone dopamine, which also acts as a neurotransmitter; its production induces a “drifty” sense of happiness and serenity. Playtime, no matter our age or the activities we are enjoying, also stimulates another complex zone of the limbic system known as the hippocampus. Among other functions, this paleomammalian area of the cerebral cortex is associated with the input, storage, and output of memories. The amygdala, another important part of the limbic system, coordinates behavioral
responses to emotional stimuli, including those emotions provoked by pleasure and pain as well as by memories. The fact that our responses to pleasure and pain are in grand part processed by same area of the brain—the limbic system—helps explain why the line between pleasure and pain is so fine, as well as why sensations that would be painful if administered outside of a sexual context can also be excruciatingly blissful.

Like all deeply emotional forms of release, catharsis can evoke tears. If your ceremony brings this emotional release to the surface, stay calm, embrace the moment, and treat your own, or your partner’s, reactions with care. A healthy cry can dissolve barriers and leave one feeling liberated, if not spiritually purified. The more you care about your partner, the easier it will be to deal with the eventuality of catharsis. When the tears are dried, you will both feel happier and healthier.

As your playtimes become more evolved and sophisticated, you will find yourself curious about pushing your sexual limits. More intense sensations and heightened psychological impact may be attained through the use of any given tool or technique, but then skill, knowledge, and safety become increasingly relevant.

“Safe” words should be implemented when the bottom’s limits are being tested or pushed. In a ceremony that involves more extreme techniques, stronger sensations, or any form of play in which the bottom may need or want to quickly inform a top of his or her needs, the safe word makes for an “out.” The most common safe words are colors, because they are easy to remember. Saying “yellow” can mean, “Slow down. This is getting too intense.” Calling out “blue” can indicate, “I have had enough of what you are doing. Please stop.” Crying out “red,” can mean “Stop everything. You have surpassed my limits!” If a top surpasses the bottom’s limits to the degree that the bottom must voice the safe word “red,” the session should definitely come to an end.

Progressing gradually toward more intense sensations and alternating between these and subtler, less direct forms of stimulation will help avoid the use of safe words as well as ensure extended periods of transcendental playtime.

Naturally, the most direct way to become experienced with any tool or technique is to submit to the skilled hand of the ceremonial partner. If you find yourself in the adventurous hands of a partner who has yet to be initiated in the use of any given tool or technique, it is up to you, the person on the receiving end, to guide your novice top. Once you are experienced in that tool or technique, and you are eager to submit to it, invite the novice to submit first to you. You will need to emphasize not only the dos but also the
do nots
.

In the case that both partners are novices to the powers of a tool, they may decide to take turns, either administering or submitting to the new sensations. This experience will prevent a top from underestimating the potency of any tool he or she may choose to wield. Experiencing a tool’s power personally is essential to mastering its use.

A lover who refuses to submit, even once, to a tool that he or she intends to use on another will not be fully aware of the tool’s assets or limits. When you are not at all keen on a new sensation in question, request that the bottom try the tool on himself or herself, before proceeding. When new tools and techniques are incorporated into your playtime, their powers and potentials should be unveiled gradually. Savor the sense of discovery that exploring the unknown holds, and adjust to the new experiences at your own pace. Do not set sexual goals, as your sexual journey will unfold naturally with practice. It is through practice that we expand our sensual repertoires, hurdle limits, refine sexual skills, and reap heightened sexual satisfaction.

• Taking a general first-aid class is important, whether you play hard or not. It prepares for the eventuality of any emergency, even beyond the boudoir.

• If you suffer or who have suffered from medical conditions, particularly a heart condition, speak to your doctor about the risk of submitting to the more invigorating forms of play, like erotic flagellation or movement restraint. If you are under the impression that your doctor is not open-minded, seek out a alternative sex-friendly medical expert. You may even invite him or her to read the chapters of
The Boudoir Bible
related to your interests; it will speed up the process. Establishing an open and honest relationship with your doctor is important.