The Brief and Frightening Reign of Phil (5 page)

BOOK: The Brief and Frightening Reign of Phil
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“Let’s get you fellows cleaned up,” said Phil. “You’re going to clean us up?” said Jimmy. “And get you some uniforms,” said Phil. “You’re going to get us uniforms?” said Vance. With tears of gratitude in their eyes, Jimmy and Vance followed Phil out of the disgusting part of town.

Next morning Phil and the Outer Horner Militia arrived at the border, accompanied by Vance and Jimmy, who were now wearing tight red t-shirts that read: “Phil’s Special Friends.”

“Tax time, tax time,” said Phil. “And don’t even think of grabbing Leon’s hat. The way I figure it, you owe us four smolokas for Dark Dark Thursday and four for today, which I am hereby declaring the Memorable Friday of Total Triumphant Retribution. So eight smolokas. Leon, inventory their resources.”

Leon, very cautiously, bandage on his Brow Clip, holding his hat on with both hands, walked around the Short-Term Residency Zone, squinting his eyes.

“Still just the clothes,” he said.

“Kindly collect the taxes,” Phil said to Jimmy and Vance, who entered the Short-Term Residency Zone like twin grinning mountains, if twin grinning mountains could crack their knuckles while flexing their pecs and chomping gum, and soon shirts and pants and shoes and socks were flying over their tremendous shoulders into Outer Horner, where they were collected into a sack by Leon.

When Jimmy and Vance stepped away, there were the Inner Hornerites, totally naked.

“Freeda,” said Phil. “Assess the value of these clothes. Is the total value of these clothes exactly eight smolokas?”

“I’m not sure,” said Freeda, a little taken aback by the sight of so many naked blushing ashamed Inner Hornerites scrambling to stand behind one another.

“I think what you mean to say is yes, Freeda,” said Phil sternly.

“Okay,” said Freeda. “Yes.”

“Super,” said Phil. “Taxes paid. Enjoy the rest of your day, folks.”

And Phil and the Special Friends and the Outer Horner Militia walked off, sorting through the clothes as they went.

“My God, those guys were strong,” said Wanda.

“They were incredibly strong,” said Curtis.

“This is terrible,” said Elmer. “So humiliating.”

“On the other hand, you know, nakedness is completely natural,” said Carol.

“That’s true, I guess, Carol,” said Cal. “I mean, our naked bodies are nothing to be ashamed of. Although guys? Actually? I’d prefer you guys didn’t look at my wife.”

“Also?” said Wanda. “Would you guys mind not looking at me? I feel so fat.”

“Why are you all staring at my scar?” said Old Gus.

“Maybe we should just agree not to look at one another,” said Wanda.

“Oh, this is crazy,” Curtis said. “How long are we going to take this? We’ve got to do something. We’ve got to start resisting.”

“Oh right, Curtis, let’s resist,” said Wanda. “Don’t

you get it? If we resist, they’ll crush us. Did you see the size of those guys?”

“Cal, you’re the one I don’t get,” said Curtis. “Here’s your wife, naked and being displayed to the world, here’s your shivering hungry kid, and what are you doing about it? Don’t you love them? Don’t you care?”

“Curtis, leave Cal alone,” said Carol. “He’s doing the best he can.”

“Carol, please don’t speak harshly to Curtis,” said Wanda. “He was only expressing his opinion.”

“Look at us bickering,” said Curtis.

“I don’t consider this bickering,” said Wanda.

“Well, I do,” said Curtis.

“It could be worse,” said Elmer.

Everyone looked at Elmer.

“I thought we agreed not to look at one another,” said Elmer, and for the rest of the day the Inner Hornerites stood staring straight ahead, except for Cal, who now and then snuck a guilty ashamed look over at Carol and Little Andy.

Then it was dusk, and the bright spotlight came on.

All night a bitter wind blew, causing icicles to form around the Inner Horner exhaust ports and steam vents, which made it even more galling when the Outer Horner Militia arrived at dawn wearing articles of former Inner Horner clothing over their Militia Uniforms.

“Good morning all,” said Phil, wearing what appeared to be Wanda’s former stocking cap on his brain. “What time is it, Leon?”

“Tax time, sir,” said Leon. “Bingo,” said Phil. The Inner Hornerites were silent. “Look, what the heck am I supposed to do about this?” said Phil. “You people owe us four smolokas. There’s a law, you know the law, yet you insist on defying the law. I am really at a loss here.”

“Maybe they could run a tab?” said Freeda. “Freeda, I appreciate your input,” said Phil. “But do you really think these people are going to pay a tab? Are

these trustworthy people? Honorable people? Did they or did they not recently attack Leon, leaving him bloody? Have you already forgotten the nightmare that was Dark Dark Thursday?”

“Maybe we could sell tickets?” said Melvin. “Sell tickets to people who want to, you know, sort of stare at them? Because they’re naked and all?”

“Melvin, no,” said Phil. “I mean, I like the idea conceptually, but the thing is, one, people can stare at them now, for free, so why impose additional costs on our people, and two, who the heck wants to stare at them anyway? They don’t look so good. Except for Carol. Carol, I have to say, looks pretty good. Carol I would possibly pay to look at. Don’t you guys think Carol looks pretty good?”

And Larry and Melvin and Leon and Phil’s Special Friends all took a long look at Carol and agreed that she looked pretty good, good enough that they would possibly pay to look at her.

If someone had bothered to take a look at Cal, they would have noticed that his tuna fish can was trembling and his belt buckle was starting to glow.

“Look, here’s an idea,” said Phil. “I don’t think it’s any big secret that I’ve always had a thing for Carol. How about you people give me Carol, for my wife or whatever, and I give you, not just four smolokas, but twelve smolokas? That’s enough for three days’ taxes. What do you say? That sounds fair, doesn’t it?”

At this Cal burst out of the Short-Term Residency Zone, blatantly invading Outer Horner, and threw himself at Phil so savagely, while angrily gnashing the lid of his tuna fish can, that Phil’s gasket cover flew off and his brain came sliding off his rack and it took both Special Friends to finally pry Cal off of Phil’s neck/ sternum assembly.

“You little creep!” bellowed Phil. “You’ve damaged my gasket cover! How dare you attempt a revolution! The gasket cover of the Special Border Activities Coordinator!”

Jimmy was now holding Cal high up in the air, higher than Cal had ever been in his life, while Larry and Melvin scrambled to recover Phil’s brain.

“You people,” Phil shouted in the stentorian voice, “via shiftlessness and inertia, have forced us, a normally gentle constituency, into the position of extracting water from the recalcitrant stone of your stubbornness, by positing us as aggressors, when in fact we are selflessly lending you precious territory, which years ago was hewed by our ancestors from a hostile forbidding wilderness! When I think of my poor, dead grandparents, how hard they hewed, and here you come, sneaking into their sacred former wilderness to murder us in our beds via stealth! But shoulder that musket we must, that musket of subduing you, and this we will, using our usual indomitable methodology and excellent creativity and spirit of love. I don’t dare undertake such a huge momentous decision on my own, since we are a democracy, so I suggest we take an urgent vote. Let us vote urgently: Do we or do we not enact my momentous decision?”

“But what is it?” said Melvin. “What is your momentous decision?”

“Do you really want to quarrel with your leader at a time like this, Melvin?” said Phil. “Is this really the time for naysaying? Do we or do we not enact my momentous decision, namely, to disassemble this aggressor? Freeda, please tally the vote.”

“Disassemble him?” said Freeda. “Can we do that?”

“Guys!” shouted Cal from way up high, upside down. “Now’s the time! It’s now or never! Join me! Join the fight!”

“Listen to that little rat!” said Phil. “Still advocating violence!”

The other Inner Hornerites, seeing Jimmy’s rippling biceps and cruel expression as he dangled Cal over the Cafe, imagined themselves suspended over the Cafe, about to be disassembled, and each decided, in his or her own way, that it was not, perhaps, at this time, entirely prudent to join the fight, and opted instead to stare down mutely at the green string, except for Carol, who stared up at Cal while blinking back tears and trying to restrain Little Andy, who was desperately trying to join the fight.

“May I please have a vote?” said Phil. “Do we or do we not disassemble this aggressor, for the good of the nation, in the interest of preventing further violence?”

And the citizens of Outer Horner, casting nervous sideways glances at one another, unanimously voted to support Phil in his decision to disassemble Cal, for the good of the nation, in the interest of preventing further violence.

“Kindly enact the will of the nation!” Phil said to the Special Friends.

The Special Friends leaned down over Cal and, using a socket set and a pair of pliers, enacted the will of the nation.

Soon Cal was reduced to a limp belt buckle and a tuna fish can and the blue dot and a few connecting parts.

“I guess we were wrong when we thought they had no additional assets,” Phil said. “Actually they’ve got plenty of additional assets. A nation’s most important asset is its people, don’t you think? Freeda, how much would you say this bundle of additional assets is worth? This pile of junk? Four smolokas? Would you say the tuna fish can is worth two and the belt buckle is worth one and the blue dot and various connecting parts are worth a total of one?”

“Okay,” said Freeda, trying to keep from crying.

“Congratulations,” said Phil to the Inner Hornerites. “Taxes paid. Thanks so much.”

Then Phil reracked his brain and directed Leon to incarcerate the various parts of Cal at several discrete locations across the length and breadth of Outer Horner, in the interest of national security.

Leon, using a wheelbarrow, incarcerated Cal’s tuna fish can in Far South Distant Outer Horner, a region dotted with thousands of tiny identical lakes, and incarcerated Cal’s belt buckle in Far East Distant Outer Horner, a lush verdant zone where cows’ heads grew out of the earth shouting sarcastic things at anyone who passed, which, though lush and verdant, was unpopulated because the cows’ sarcasm was so withering, and incarcerated Cal’s various connecting parts in Far West Distant Outer Horner, where pairs of trees made X shapes as far as the eye could see.

This left only Cal’s blue dot, which, per Phil, was placed in a glass case a few hundred feet from Inner Horner, as a warning and a reminder to the other Inner Hornerites, who all night long, from the Short-Term Residency Zone, watched the sad blue dot that had formerly been Cal’s torso expand and contract, as if hyperventilating, or sobbing.

Freeda of the Outer Horner Militia had always felt that she’d been built too wide at the bottom and thin at the top, and because of her shape and her extensive shoulder and torso foliage had, several times, when pausing in public, been mistaken for a shrub or small tree and, in fact, the Christmas she was eight, having paused to gaze up in wonder at the stars, had come home in tears, covered with lights and glass balls. So it was a great delight to her when her only child, Gertrude, grew into a tall beautiful preteen with no foliage at all, who took dance lessons and could gaze at the stars for hours without ever once coming home decorated.

That night Freeda had a dream. In her dream, Gertrude was a tall beautiful vase belonging to Phil, who kept holding Gertrude up to the light, looking for flaws. Freeda was a small furry dog, who kept leaping up, trying to bite Phil as he inspected Gertrude.

“Put her down, put her down,” Freeda barked at him. “Why do you want to be so bad?”

“I am not bad,” said Phil. “I am totally good. What I do, benefits all.”

Then Phil found a flaw and threw Gertrude against the wall, breaking her into a thousand pieces.

Freeda woke and rushed to Gertrude’s room. Relieved to find that Gertrude was not a broken vase and that her pink shelving was still intact, she gave Gertrude a kiss on the middle of her three rosy cheeks.

BOOK: The Brief and Frightening Reign of Phil
11.25Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
ads

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