The Captain's Christmas Family (15 page)

“What’s wrong?” More than ever she yearned to take him in her arms. But that would only cause more trouble. “Are you ill?”

Gideon shook his head wearily and nodded toward the library door. “Only sick at heart.”

Those words tore at her as if she had inflicted this suffering upon him. Had she? She’d prayed so fervently for his return, had she bullied God into granting her request, no matter what it cost Gideon?

“Did the board of inquiry hold you to blame for what happened on your ship?” Taking his arm, she led him
into the library where they could talk without fear of interruption. “Then they must be a pack of fools!”

“They haven’t…yet.” Gideon followed her with ponderous steps. “But they will. I have no doubt. It will make no difference who else testifies or what other evidence is presented. Three members of the panel are related to the ones truly responsible. They will not want the taint of any wrongdoing to besmirch their family names.”

“Are you certain?” She helped him out of his greatcoat and laid it over a nearby chair. “Perhaps it is not as bad as you think. If the board has not announced its findings yet, there may still be hope.”

When she turned back toward him, she found that Gideon had sunk onto the chair he usually occupied—the one she had caressed only a few minutes ago, longing for his return. It went against his courteous nature to sit while she stood. That told Marian more about his state of despair than any words could.

Fearing he might try to rise, she knelt beside his chair. If only there was something she could do to relieve the sense of defeat she glimpsed in his eyes and in the bowing of his broad shoulders.

“I have seldom been more certain of anything in my life.” He heaved an arid sigh. “My naval career is over, my reputation blackened beyond any hope of rehabilitation. I could tell by the tone of their questions, by the way they looked at me and each other. I am to be made a scapegoat for this whole unfortunate affair because I have no influence with those in power.”

It was difficult to imagine a man of his integrity and strength being bullied, but that was how it sounded. The
notion roused Marian’s indignation. “If that’s the way the Royal Navy is run, then perhaps you’re better out of it.”

His hands rested on the arms of the chair. Forgetting propriety, she covered one with hers, aching to offer him whatever comfort she could. “The people around here know what kind of man you really are. They won’t take any notice of what some corrupt politicians in London have to say. Instead of being in command of a single ship, you’ll have a whole estate. Just think what you can make of it. Perhaps this will turn out to be all the best for you.”

If she’d hoped he might take consolation from her words, she was badly mistaken.

“It does not signify what is best for
me!
” He wrenched his hand out from beneath hers. “What about poor Watson? How is he to rest in peace when those responsible for his death are not brought to justice? What about the men and boys of my crew, serving under that ambitious villain and his pack of scoundrels? My return to command was their only hope of rescue!”

Conditions aboard that ship would be worse than the school of her youth with the strict, embittered teachers, the corrupt matron and the
great girls
who used their size and seniority to claim more than their share of what little food and warmth there was to be had. Only the solidarity of her circle of friends and the intervention of a kind headmistress had made existence bearable. What if someone had taken Miss Chapel away, for her own good and the benefit of a few others?

“I failed them.” Gideon hunched forward, burying
his face in his hands. “First Harry Watson and now my whole crew.”

Marian could almost feel the waves of misery rolling off him. This was not his fault. It was hers for misusing the power of prayer. Who was she to decide what was best for everyone? Had she used Cissy and Dolly’s welfare as an excuse to keep Gideon around where she could pretend they were a happy family?

“You did not fail anyone.” Instinctively she strove to comfort him as she would one of the children, wrapping her arms around him, drawing his head to rest against her shoulder, stroking his hair. “You tried your best to do what was right and protect those who needed it. I didn’t understand. I am so sorry. I promised to pray you would get justice but…”

The whisper of his hair against her cheek and the lure of his fresh, briny scent overwhelmed her, making her forget what she meant to say. She turned her face toward his, grazing his cheek with her lips.

At the same instant, he tilted his head toward her. Their lips met.

At first, Marian could only think of her need to comfort him and to atone for what she’d done. Her lips moved against his, softly and slowly, offering a respite from his bitter regrets and feelings of failure. At the same time, her kiss implored his forgiveness. Though she had believed she cared for him, she had still been willing to disregard his needs and wishes to get what she wanted.

She cherished a flicker of satisfaction when Gideon stirred from his breathless stillness and began to return her kiss. His firm, daunting mouth relaxed, and his lips
brushed against hers in a tender rhythm, accepting her consolation and granting forgiveness.

He brought his hands up to cradle her face. With a blissful sigh, Marian sank into the welcome warmth of their kiss. Her original motives of comfort and atonement melted away, exposing more vulnerable feelings beneath. She cared for Gideon Radcliffe in a way she had never expected to feel for any man, a way she’d never dared hope could be returned. She wanted nothing from him but the opportunity to share his company and provide him with whatever support and companionship he was willing to accept from her. As their kiss intensified, she opened her heart, laying it bare for him to claim.

A sudden, insistent rap on the library door made them spring apart with sharp gasps. Like a barrage of cannon fire, that sound heralded an invasion of the small, defenseless island of intimacy they’d created. The world crashed in on them with all its roles and expectations. Suddenly they were no longer simply two people sharing a tender moment. She was a hired servant who had no business embracing the master of the house.

“I’m sorry, Captain!” She pulled away and surged to her feet. “I did not mean to presume. I was only trying to make you feel better.”

Her desperate apology collided with his. “Forgive me, Miss Murray. I should never have taken advantage of your kind gesture!”

Adding to the confusion, the butler called in, “Are you there, Captain? Is there anything you require, sir?”

Unable to bear the raw, inflamed feelings their kiss
had provoked, Marian flew to the door and flung it open. “The captain is here, Mr. Culpepper. He seemed quite exhausted when he arrived, so I helped him in. Now I must leave him to your capable ministrations and get back to the nursery.”

She scarcely recognized her own voice, so shrill and breathless. The Scottish accent for which she’d often been ridiculed at school sounded more pronounced than ever.

“Thank you for your assistance, Miss Murray.” Gideon Radcliffe’s voice rang out behind her. Cold and sharp as the icicles hanging from the eaves of the house, each word pierced her.

It was clear he wanted to pretend their kiss had never taken place. No doubt he wished it hadn’t. She had hurled herself upon him in a moment of weakness, tempting him to forget himself.

“Think nothing of it, Captain.” She sought to assure him that she would not divulge their secret embrace. “I hope you are soon recovered from your journey. Good night.”

With that, she slipped past the bewildered butler and fled.

How could he have exploited Marian Murray’s kind attempt to console him?

For the next few days, as she made a determined effort to avoid him, Gideon rebuked himself repeatedly. It was clear he had upset her, perhaps frightened her with his show of unwelcome ardor. Was she also afraid that being discovered alone with him in the library might damage her reputation?

He longed to reassure her that he would do the honorable thing and make her an offer of marriage…if that was what she wanted. Under the circumstances, that course of action appealed to him intensely. Now that it appeared certain he would not be returning to command, the prospect of settling down at Knightley Park and taking a wife offered him a renewed sense of purpose.

As Marian had tried to tell him, it seemed the Lord might have provided an opportunity for something good to come out of the ruin of his naval career. He still regretted the circumstances in which he’d left his crew. But perhaps if he prayed upon the matter, he might receive some divine guidance on how to assist his men. In the meantime, it was quite possible his cousin’s young daughters did need him more than the crew of the
Integrity.
Perhaps almost as much as he needed them.

He longed to see the girls again, yet he shrank from imposing his company upon their governess when it seemed clear she did not want it. Would she look upon a marriage proposal from him in the same light? Might she feel pressured to wed a man she did not love because he had damaged her reputation and because he might be willing to seek guardianship of the children she adored?

He would rather continue on as they had been than have her feel trapped in a marriage and gradually grow to resent him. He had failed too many people he cared about. He could not bear to fail her, too.

But what action should he take? During his naval career, Gideon had been accustomed to making swift, definite decisions, often under considerable pressure,
with lives at stake. Whatever the outcome, he had been able to learn from it, live with it and move forward. Young Watson’s death and the inquiry had changed that, making him second-guess his actions and bitterly regret his mistakes.

Staring out the great bow window of the Chinese drawing room, he contemplated the pristine beauty of the frozen lake and snow dusted trees. One day soon, the ice and snow would melt and new life would quicken according to an ageless plan. Perhaps the time had come to stop relying solely on his own all-too-fallible strength and judgment and instead seek divine guidance.

“Heavenly Father,” he whispered, possessed by an unaccountable conviction that he was being heard. “Please help me do what is right for Marian and the children.”

What would happen now, he wondered. Would the Lord provide some sort of sign? Or would he suddenly know beyond doubt what he should do? Neither of those things happened. He was still as confused as ever about whether he ought to propose to Marian Murray. Both choices before him seemed likely to end in the one way he could not bear—with her hating him.

Had his prayer gone unanswered because he had not used the proper form? Must he kneel and bow his head as if he were in church?

Church. He had been so lost in regrets and indecision that he had scarcely noticed what day of the week it was. Now he realized tomorrow would be Sunday. Was that a random thought of his own or a divine nudge in the right direction? He might never know for certain, but Gideon chose to believe the latter.

The next morning he lingered in the entry hall, waiting for the girls and their governess to appear. He had not been there long when he heard the approach of footsteps and the chatter of familiar voices. A moment later, they descended the stairs.

“Cousin Gideon!” Dolly leapt down the last three steps and charged toward him. “Martha told us you’d come back. We begged and begged to see you, but Miss Marian said you were very tired from your journey and needed to rest.”

Her rapturous welcome buoyed his spirits. Leaning forward, Gideon caught the child in his arms and lifted her into a fond embrace. Dolly returned it so vigorously, she nearly throttled him.

“That was very considerate of her.” Gideon set the child back on her feet and turned his attention to her sister. Cissy might not express her emotions as emphatically as Dolly, but that did not mean she felt them any less. “But I am quite well rested now and looking forward to escorting my favorite ladies to church.”

He cast a fleeting glance toward Marian, hoping she would understand that he included her among his “favorite ladies.” Then he knelt in front of Cissy, who stared at him with unsettling intensity. “I didn’t think you would come back,” she whispered. “But you did.”

When Gideon opened his arms, she surprised him by hurling herself into his embrace. Her parents had gone to a place from which they could never return. He understood how important it was to her that he had come back. He pressed a kiss to the crown of her head.

Until he’d seen and held them again, Gideon did
not fully fathom how much he’d missed them and how deeply he had come to love them. He glanced up at Marian. Silently, he tried to tell her she had been right all along. He did need the girls, and it seemed they needed him. Perhaps when he told her he intended to seek guardianship, she might look more favorably upon him as a suitor.

As Dolly chattered away on the drive to church and Cissy gazed at him, her eyes shining with newfound trust, Gideon felt the awkwardness between him and Marian beginning to ease. It seemed she was willing to forgive and forget the inexcusable liberty he had taken, perhaps on the grounds of his distress over the inquiry. While he welcomed her forgiveness, he knew he would never be able to forget that wondrous moment of communion between them.

When they arrived at the church, the other parishioners offered Gideon a cordial welcome home. Perhaps Marian had been right to reassure him that the local people would not hold the inquiry’s decision against him.

During his sailing days, Gideon had often been moved by the distant majesty of the Almighty and the grandeur of His Creation. On a clear night in the middle of the ocean, he had gazed up into the limitless firmament crowded with blazing stars. He had watched the sun rise in all its rosy splendor, on the vast eastern horizon of the Pacific. But never in his life, before that morning, had he felt the presence of God so warmly wrapped around him.

By the time they returned home after the service, his mind was bubbling with plans for Knightley Park, for
the girls—and perhaps with God’s help—for him and Marian.