The China Doll (20 page)

She blinked. "Oh God," she said, shaking her
head. "I really am as much of an idiot as everyone thinks. It was
you."

"Excuse me?"

"You sent me the flyer."

"It wasn’t actually me, but I told them where
to find you." He came even closer. She felt his heartbeat. "I just
wanted to make sure you knew it was here."

She felt played with. She felt angry. She
wanted to hold onto that. "Just one more gotcha, hmm? Sorry I
spoiled your grand reveal," she said with a little bitterness.
"What were you planning?"

"Alex wasn’t supposed to be here, for one
thing," he snapped.

Her lip trembled. "Well, you seem to have
made up for that."

"Hayley? Yeah, last minute thing."

"You’re so resourceful," she whispered,
realizing she was coming closer. "Well, she seems very nice."

"Pretty hot, too," he said, shrugging. "I can
always make good use of that."

"You just do what you have to do, right? Even
if you have to close your eyes and suffer a little bit?"

Michael frowned. "Is that the strategy you
employ when you’re with Alex? Tell me, does it feel like your soul
dies when he touches you?"

He was cruel, but she was going to spare him.
Because not doing so would be much crueler. "My soul...a little
piece of it died not too long ago, and it’s not coming back. Thank
you for the reminder."

She walked away. The lights were down. She
hoped Alex didn’t notice her face. She kissed him on the cheek.
"Sorry." She was going to be fine.

But then Lancelot was on stage with
Guinevere, telling her he would never leave again, no matter the
season. It took Miranda a moment to realize that she was sobbing.
She covered her face in her hands, but she couldn’t stop. She knew
people were looking at her. She knew Michael was looking at her.
She wanted to run out into the lobby, but then he’d follow her.

"Miranda, darling," Alex whispered. She put
her head on his shoulder and cried. He rubbed her back.

She was able to sit up by the time the
knights were plotting against Arthur. She wiped her face and fixed
her hair. Then she sighed at the end, when Camelot was no more. The
ending you knew you were destined for from the beginning but
dreaded all the same. It was so unfair.

The lights came back. She kept her head down
until everyone else was out of the box.

"Darling," Alex said, stroking her cheek.
"I’m so sorry."

"It’s alright." She took a deep breath and
smiled. "But I think I’m ready to go home now."

He traced her neck and shoulder. "You don’t
have to."

"Alex, I should. It wouldn’t be fair to
you—"

"I’d like to be the judge of that."

"Then you should know everything," she said
bravely. She looked him in the eye. "I went to see Michael
yesterday. I...I didn’t make love to him, technically. But I wanted
to. And after this..." She blushed. "It wouldn’t be fair to
you."

Alex kissed her softly. "Thank you for
telling me. Thank you for trusting me enough; especially after
everything. And I don’t just mean tonight or this week. I mean
everything. It means so much to me that you’re here with me
tonight. I’m sorry you’re heartbroken. I wish you weren’t. And
that’s my fault, if you really think about it. Out of everything
I’ve ever done, every awful, horrible thing, that’s the one I
regret the most. I could have protected you from this. I had my
chance with you many times. I had good reasons not to take them,
but they don’t seem so good right now." He took her hand. "Please,
let me make it up to you tonight."

~~~

Hayley had gone into the powder room. Michael
watched them from across the theater. He saw her tears, he saw Alex
stroke her and kiss her. He saw Alex’s mouth move, and then he saw
Alex take her hand. Michael knew exactly what was said. He saw them
get up and leave. He got up too.

Alex was helping Miranda with her shawl when
Michael caught up to them. Miranda’s cheeks turned scarlet. He felt
all the color leave his face.

Hayley caught up to Michael before he could
say anything. Miranda smiled and put out her hand again. "Hayley,
it was very nice to meet you," she said sincerely. Then she looked
at Michael. "And it was good to see you too. It always is." Then
she turned to the door. She missed the smile Alex flashed Michael
before he turned as well.

"She’s very nice," Hayley said as she put on
her coat.

Michael unclenched his fists. "Come on, I’ll
take you home."

Jessie came home at nine and found Richard in
the living room, catching up on the day’s news on his laptop. She
barely looked at him as she took off her bag and coat.

"Where were you?" Richard asked after a
moment. "I was getting a little worried."

"Give me a break," Jessie barked. "This is
earlier than I usually get home. You’d have noticed if you hadn’t
been so hard at work—or whatever—the last few months." Her grey
eyes flashed at him. "But don’t worry, Zainab was usually
here."

Richard closed his laptop. "Okay."

"Okay what?"

"Okay, and go on. You have some things you
need to say to me."

"I think I’ve said it all."

"And saying it didn’t help."

"Sorry, did you do something when I wasn’t
looking to make up for being a liar and cheat?" He was silent. "Did
you break it off with Sophie? Call Zainab to profess your undying
love? I think those are the only words that are going to improve my
opinion of you right now."

"I’m sorry I disappointed you."

"You make me sick," Jessie spat. "Dude, you
are the worst kind of entitled there is. You had us all so fooled.
Poor Richard, who's had it so hard. But you made that look good,
because you were so good. No, you were better than all of us,
because you lived through so much. But you weren’t and you aren’t.
You just let yourself be as stupid and twisted as the rest of us.
You just waited until you had the chance to be as much of an
asshole as the rest of us. But you got to be much worse, because so
many of us actually believed in you."

He was silent. That made her even angrier.
"You are so noble even now. How do you not die of your own
sacrifices? But it’s all bullshit and you know it. You didn’t lash
out at me or Michael or Lucy. You hurt the one person who didn’t
hurt you at all, ever. Did she?" She didn’t even want to throw
anything at him. "You were afraid of a commitment? That’s so
frickin’ convenient since you got all the benefits of one without
having to give anything in return. Didn’t she graduate a year late
so she could hold my hand when I had my breakdown? Do you think she
did that just because we were friends?"

"Go on." It was all he could manage.

"Go on? Yeah, there you go again. How do you
survive? You’re the twisted one here, okay? Not me, not Miranda,
not even that pig Michael that you always protected. You. You’re
the one that should be seeing a therapist right now. You’re a
twisted liar. You lie to other people, and you lie to yourself.
Thank you for watching me that day when I was little, but that
doesn’t give you the right!" Jessie was crying now. Richard wanted
to get up and comfort her, but he knew he wasn’t allowed. "And
maybe my dad was also a total asshole, but that doesn’t give you
the right to make stuff up about him."

"Make up...?" Richard put his laptop down and
stood up. "Jessie, I’m not making up anything."

"How do you know he was hitting my mom? How
do you know he hit me? Did you ever see him do any of that?"

"Of course not. He wasn’t that careless."

"Oh, right! Boy you have an answer for
everything. Because if that’s true, well, then it makes it okay if
my mom killed him." She bit her lip. Richard was afraid she was
hyperventilating. "It doesn’t make sense unless you’re trying to
tell me that both of my parents were awful!"

"Jess, I know you’re angry with me and I’m
sorry, but I am not lying to you about what happened. And I—I don’t
hold anything against your mother."

"Were you in love with my mother?" Jessie
asked angrily.

Richard stepped back as if he’d been hit. "In
love with...? Jessie, your mom was very pretty, and very sweet, but
I was only twelve or thirteen—"

Jessie cut him off. "Fine, so you had a crush
on her. Same difference. So you came up with some elaborate story
that could make you her hero. Good practice, huh?"

Richard was stunned. "Is that what you really
think?"

"Aunt Lucy couldn’t confirm or deny
anything."

"As I said, he wasn’t sloppy. But didn’t you
hear what Joanna said?"

"Why should I believe anything that woman
said?" Jessie raged. "Isn’t she the one who set me up with that
cop?"

"Alex corroborated it."

"Right—why don’t you rest your whole story on
Alex Sheldon? Because he never lied or kept a secret or ruined
anyone’s life."

"What would he have to gain by lying? Did you
see the way Miranda looked at him?"

"He’s hated Aunt Lucy since before time
began. Telling her that her brother was a pig would only hurt
her."

Richard was incredulous. "Jessie, my
mother...she believed at least that he would force Joanna to..." He
couldn’t finish the description. "My mother was the one who knew
him best. She loved him, for better or worse. Why would she
lie?"

Jessie face’s turned purple. "How should I
know?!?" she shouted at the top of her lungs. "Maybe you get your
lying streak from her." She threw her bag at him and stormed up the
stairs.

Richard looked at the bag at his feet. He
looked up when the door slammed. He hadn’t felt so helpless in two
and a half years.

Miranda didn’t say anything as Alex drove
back to his house. She didn’t look at him as they walked up the
short walkway to his door. She kept her eyes down once she heard
the door close.

It was dark. She was glad. He stood in front
of her. "Darling," he whispered. He stroked her shoulder again. She
looked up, and he smiled. He closed his eyes and leaned in to kiss
her. She closed her eyes and let him.

He knew what to start with and how long to
make it last. She had to catch her breath. She smiled, then gently
kissed him back.

"Let’s go upstairs." He took her hand and
walked her up the familiar stairs she’d used since she was
five.

He closed the door and pulled her to him. He
changed, as he always did behind his bedroom door.

She felt as if she were witnessing his
passion rather than participating in it. He was efficient, as he
was in so many other things. He undressed her quickly and
unbuttoned his shirt when she had trouble with the buttons.

She felt comforted by his ease and assurance
while he made love to her. She remembered that she’d dreamed of
this so many times as she was growing up. What it would have meant
to her...before Michael. She closed her eyes, trying hard to be
fair.

She heard herself moan, she felt her body
react to Alex’s well-practiced touch. She let herself go, if only
because she might, for a moment, forget.

Her satisfaction aroused him even more, and
Miranda was nearly overwhelmed by his fierceness.

She was breathless when they were done. He
watched her, even more satisfied than before. "Thank you," he
whispered before he kissed her. She smiled, but she seemed
reluctant now. "What is it?"

"I need to know."

"You need to know what?"

She rolled over onto her side. He put his
hand on her thigh. "I need to know about Lucy, and Tom Bartolome,
and Gerald Hendrickson and Joanna Hazlett. I need to know about
Richard. No, that’s all wrong. I need to know about you. I need to
know how you could have done that."

"I’m not proud of what I did."

"Then why did you do it?"

"I didn’t realize the consequences." His eyes
didn’t waver from her face. "If I could have known what I know now,
of course...I deeply regret any pain this caused Richard, most of
all."

"Was the money so important?"

Alex lay back. "It was never about the money.
It was the opportunity of a lifetime."

Miranda shook her head. "You know that’s not
true. There’s always something else."

"I didn’t want to be what I was anymore,"
Alex said. "At someone else’s mercy. I wanted to be the one in
control."

"And you couldn’t do that without taking
control of someone else?"

"Yes."

Miranda sat up and pulled the sheets around
her. "Oh my God," she said at last. "Do you know what we call it
these days? What Tom Bartolome did to Joanna?"

Alex closed his eyes. "The worst part is that
I had a pretty good idea then too."

"How could you?" she asked. "You were playing
with someone’s life." She shuddered. "That’s what it was
about."

Her back was to him, but she knew by his
silence that she was right. "Why Alex?"

"There was something I learned pretty quickly
around all of these people. Teague got it right. Most people were
completely insignificant to them. They would make decisions great
and small, and they would never give a second thought to how it
affected anyone else. I wasn’t someone that got stepped on most of
the time, but that was because I was quick on my feet. Do you know
how exhausting it is to always be on the lookout? I didn’t want
that my whole life."

"Is that what Lucy did? What Jim Hendrickson
did?"

Alex sighed. "Jim—no. He wasn’t like that.
Lucy, though—she always looked down her nose at just about
everyone. I didn’t feel any remorse for what I did to her."

Miranda turned around. "Do you now?"

He touched her back. "Yes, I do. I—I’ve lost
things since then, and I knew then how Lucy must have felt. I’m not
proud of what I did, but I don’t know how to make up for it." He
sighed. "Just one reason I thought I should put some money into
Richard’s company."