The Collected Poems of Ted Berrigan (38 page)

Today was a day to remember death:

I remember the death

of Hitler

& now I think of The Song of Roland

Roland’s death

& now I think to see

if there were similarities

& now I see there were . . .

& now I wonder what Tom Clark thinks

Edwin, Alex, Dick . . .

Mike?

A lung aching in the room

inside Mike

disease bringing you a little closer

Forget it!

Piss on it!

Kiss my ass!

he say

in his absolute way

Everybody obey

But

we are all victims

(me too)

& we all love life

(too bad)

I told Ron Padgett that I’d like to have

NICE TO SEE YOU

engraved on my tombstone.

Ron said he thought he’d like to have

OUT TO LUNCH

on his.

Dear Lewis:

I’ve been down but I’m surfacing

I’ve been lost but now I’m found

“One will leaf one’s life all over again”

you say

& you are right

around & around & around go the swirling leaves

Death is
not
is
not
so horrible            today

The poison in the needle

floods my body

it hurts my head

it hurts my head

Poison from the needle

floods my bloodstream

   it detonates my head

it detonates my head

I should put that needle down

but tomorrow I’ll be dead.

I recognized myself in a dream too, (Ted)

we met & parted

Hello & Goodbye

simple as that

my life recognized my death

Waiting on you

The heart stops briefly when someone dies, one

massive slow stroke as someone passes

from your outside life to your inside,

& then

everything continues

sanely

& I believe in you.

News of my cat

poor cat

descendant of Frank O’Hara’s cat

he’s dead

I grieve

let it down

let it down on me

X died, & Joe knew, but didn’t want to have to tell anyone; but Carol knew, & so,

at Ken’s 12th Night party she told me. After a few minutes, I took Martha home,

& then I walked home myself, across town, through Tompkins Square Park, to

Avenue D & 2nd Street. I went to bed, & then I started to cry; & I stayed in bed

for three days, & cried, & slept. And now I’m crying a little again. But then I got

up, I said “well, that’s enough, fuck it!”, & I got dressed, & went over to visit

Anne & Lewis as before.

Bernadette had to arrange her mother’s funeral age 15

& we’re in Rattner’s 3
AM

& she’s telling me how her father died before that

& all the death around her

surrounding her

so many relatives

& how she just thought

that’s what people do

“They die”

& she was so good & obedient until her uncle died

& then

something just snapped

Then she sent me this 2 days later:

Deaths, causes: tuberculosis, syphilis, dysentery, scarlet fever and streptococcal sore throat, diptheria, whooping cough, meningococcal infections, acute poliomyelitis, measles, malignant neoplasms, leukemia and aleukemia, benign neoplasms, asthma, diabetes, anemias, meningitis, cardiovascular-tenal diseases, narcolepsy, influenza and pneumonia, bronchitis, other broncho-pulmonix diseases, ulcer of stomach and duodenum, appendicitis, hernia and intestinal obstruction, gastritis, duodenitis, enteritis, and colitis, cirrhosis of liver, acute nephritis, infections of kidney, hyperplasis of prostrate, deliveries and complications of pregnancy, childbirth, and the puerperium, abortion, congenital malformations, birth injuries, postnatal asphyxia, infections of newborn, symptoms, senility, and ill-defined conditions, motor vehicle accidents, falls, burns, drowning, railroad accidents, firearms accidents, poison gases, other poisons, suicide, homicide.