The Confession (12 page)

The shock on Lydia’s face
made him cringe. Looking at her, he said, “You knew I loved you. I
told you many times how I felt, but you never gave our relationship
a
chance
to develop. You set your eyes on Adam, and that
was the end of our relationship. I never had
the opportunity to accept the end of our
relationship
. You were always throwing your
happiness in my face, and it made me angry and bitter. What made
me
more
indignant
was my inability to stay away
from you. If I could not have you as a lover, I wanted you as a
friend.”

“I thought I could handle
being close to you, but I couldn’t.
My love for you grew stronger until it strangled me. I
did something incredibly stupid and wrong on so many levels.
I drugged you and took advantage of you. It was
the worst day of my life. When I awoke from my drunken stupor, the
guilt nearly killed me. I contemplated taking my life, but being
the selfish bastard that I was at the time, I did not have the
courage to
kill
myself.”

“I ran to the
church
and confessed everything. I had to get the vileness out of my
body. I had to find a way to seek forgiveness and cleanse my body
of the guilt. On some level, I was relieved you did not remember
what had happened. It made leaving much easier for me knowing you
would not remember. Had I know you were pregnant…well…I do not know
what I would have done at the time. I was too young and
apparently
lacking the morals to make any decision.”

“I have been accused of
hiding
behind the
sanctity of the church
to avoid
punishment.
Believe
me
when I say that I have punished myself
far beyond the laws of justice. My faith is the one tangible
reality in my life. I hope that all of you can forgive me for my
past transgressions, and know I am a changed man. What happened
that night will weigh heavily on my soul for the remainder of my
life. Every day I strive to be a better person, a better priest. I
do love all of you and pray for forgiveness.” John wiped a tear
from his face, turned, and left the room.

Adam and Lydia looked at
each other,
apparently
shocked by his confession.
Gail turned to her mother and opened her arms. Lydia sat beside her
daughter and cradled her gently. “It’s ok honey. Daddy and I love
you so very much. Nothing that was said
today will change
how
much we love you.”

Gail looked at Adam with
sadness in her eyes. “Don’t be
upset,
munchkin. You will
always be my baby girl. No one will ever love you more than I do. I
want you to lie back and go to sleep. Mommy and I will be here when
you wake up. Always remember that we love you.”

“Daddy, will you hold my hand until I
fall asleep?”

Taking off his shoes, Adam carefully
climbed into bed and wrapped his arm around Gail. “I’ll always be
here for you Gail. Close your eyes and let me hold you for a little
while. I miss holding my baby girl.”

Gail closed her eyes and held her
father’s hand as she slowly relaxed. Lydia felt hot tears stream
down her face. Silently, she said to Adam, “I love you.”

“Love you too sweetheart, always
will.”

Chapter 10

I don’t know what to do
with myself. I cannot go back to the rectory. My mind is racing
with many unresolved emotions. I feel the urge to run away. I do
not know how long I have been driving, or where I am. The look of
disappointment on Gail’s beautiful face cuts like a knife. She
hates me. I feel it down to my marrow. I will never have a
relationship with her. I will soon feel the wrath of my
entire
family
and rightly deserve their ire. I am so tired. I
have to stop driving before I cause an accident.

Bright light awakens me and I slowly
open my eyes. Looking at my watch, I soon realize I have been in
this parking lot for close to eight hours. It’s late morning, and
my head is pounding from the uncomfortable sleeping position. I
need help, but who can help me? Mary is a forgiving soul. I need to
speak to her.

“Why are you calling me John?” The tone
of her voice is not a pleasant one. She too is angry with
me.

“Hello,
Mary. I am sorry to bother you.
Can I stop by your house later this afternoon? I need to speak to
you.”

Mary loved her
brother
and hearing
the
pain in his voice
broke her heart. “Where
are you?”

“I don’t know. I have been
driving all night, and I pulled into a parking lot and fell asleep
in my car. I do not want to go back to the rectory. I do not know
what to do with myself. The guilt and shame
are
killing me. I need
someone to talk to who will not hit me.
Please,
Mary, I will
not take much of your time. Can you meet me at Pat’s in two hours?
I’ll buy you a
cheesesteak
with fries.”

Unable to resist Pat’s steaks, she
agreed. “You really know how to bribe a person, don’t
you?”

“I know your soft spot, and it appears
it hasn’t changed after all these years. Thank you, Mary. I’ll see
you soon.”

I feel like a bug under a microscope as
I sit here waiting for Mary. The sun is beating down on my black
clothing, which is only making me more uncomfortable. I am anxious
to see her, and pray she does not reject me.

Mary sat in her car and
watched her brother squirm under the hot sun. He looked dejected
and while her heart ached for him, she was angry and disappointed
with him.
What am I going to say to
him?

John saw his sister
approach his
table
and fought the urge to flee. He
stood to greet her. “Mary, I would like to thank you for agreeing
to see me on such short notice. Please have a seat. Would you like
something to eat or drink?”

“A cold bottle of water
would be nice.
It’s so
hot today, and I have a headache.”

John returned to the table with two
bottles of cold water. “I was surprised when you agreed to see me.
I know that Lydia and Adam are angry with me, and I cannot fault
them. What I did in my past life still haunts me.”

“I am torn between two brothers that I
love dearly. I only have one question for you. I want to know why
you would do something so vile to your sister-in-law.”

“I was stupid Mary. My drug abuse and
drinking clouded my judgment. It’s as simple as that. I felt it was
best for everyone to disappear.”

“Mary, I was adopted
shortly after I was born. I found the papers in the steamer trunk
when I was sixteen. It explains my rare blood type. I always felt
different, like I did not belong. After you and Adam
had been
born, things changed in the house. It felt like I was pushed
aside, and I felt lonely and isolated. You and Adam received the
love I desperately wanted.”

“I never told Mom and Dad that I found
the adoption papers. It was obvious they wanted to keep this
information from me.”

Mary’s crying breaks my
heart. I lean forward to touch her arm. “Do not cry for me Mary. My
path in life has been difficult, but Our Lord Jesus Christ is
an
ever-present
guiding force in my life.”

“Have you tried finding your parents?
Did you discuss this with Mom and Dad?”

“I never asked, and at this
point, I do not want to know.
My existence had already caused so much trouble for my
family.
My anger and resentment festered
for so
long
that it broke me. It robbed me of my morality,
and
evil
so vile seeped into my soul.”

“Entering the priesthood
was my only chance at salvation. I wound up on the sidewalk outside
the seminary. I was sitting on the curb, deciding whether I had
made the right decision. Father Randall saved my life. He helped me
withdraw from drugs and
alcohol
and guided my path to the
church. If it were not for him, I probably would not be here today.
I wanted to
die
and had I not found my path in life, I would have
eventually taken my life.”

Leaning on the table, she
held John’s hands in hers. “I always wondered why there
were
no pictures of you in the house all of these years. I
love
you,
Johnny, with all of my heart. ‘Let he who is
without sin cast the first stone.’ I am proud to call you my
brother.”

Smiling, John kissed her
hand. “I will always be your brother, but I also want to be your
friend. I have prayed for many
years
and served Our Lord at
his choosing, hoping to
be cleansed
of this memory. Sadly, I
carry it with me daily. My only wish is to continue serving Our
Lord.”

Mary sat for several tense
minutes as she absorbed those words. John Brady was a changed,
broken man. The ghosts of the past continued to torture him. He
looked gaunt, and with the bruise still creeping up his face,
tired. “I find it hard to associate the man you are now with the
vile act you committed. Lydia is not in a good place right now, and
that is your fault.
I
have never seen Adam so distraught. He always has control of his
emotions.
What do you intend to do about
Gail? She knows the truth. Adam fears he will lose his
daughter.”

“My
priority
must be
Adam,
Lydia,
and Gail. I need to heal the painful
memories
and bring peace to their souls. My parents are not my concern.
God forgive me, but I do not want to see them.”

Chapter 11

The nightmare returned, only this time,
Lydia saw the face of her attacker. He hovered over her, demanding
entrance to her body. She felt the heaviness of his body as he
pressed her into the bed. So dark, the images faded in and out, his
head is between her legs, licking, tasting, fingers digging into
her thighs, darkness again. She felt the burn as he penetrated her
roughly. She did not want this. She tried to push him away. Her
body felt funny, and she was unable to focus. No, no, no, where is
Adam? Where is Adam?

“WHERE IS ADAM?” Lydia
bolted upright in bed with a scream that traveled throughout the
house. Adam and Bobby were in the kitchen making lunch. Startled by
the sudden sound of her screaming he looked at his son and said,
“Stay here. I don’t want
your
mother to see you.”

Adam quickly ran up to
their bedroom and when he opened the door, the sight of his wife
panting for breath and gripping the bed sheets stabbed his
heart.
Goddamn,
John, I could kill him!
He ran to Lydia and gathered her in his arms. “Hush
sweetheart, it was only a dream. You’re safe honey; no one will
ever hurt you.”

“Oh God Adam, I remember
what happened. I had the dream again and this time, I saw…him…what
he did to me…he hurt me….he hurt me. It
burned,
and I wanted
him to stop. I tried to make him
stop,
but he would not
stop.”

“I know this hurts honey because it
feels like it just happened to you. What can I do to help
you?”

Still panting, she said, “I want to see
Gail. Take me to see Gail.”

“Honey, take a deep
breath
and try to calm your nerves. You don’t want Gail to see you
upset.” Helping her to stand, Adam walked her into the bathroom. He
reached over to turn on the shower. “Take a hot shower. It will
help you to relax.”

As if in a trance, Lydia
dropped her robe
to
the floor and stepped into the
shower. She slid the door closed, and as Adam was leaving the room,
she burst into tears. Adam turned around, removed his clothing, and
stepped into the shower. Lydia was leaning against the
wall,
her hands covering her face. Adam opened his
arms,
and she welcomed the comfort of his strong arms. “Let it out
honey. Let go of the pain. I will help you. I swear it. Let me be
your strength.”