The Convenient Bride (14 page)

“She?”

“I thought she was a girl. I don’t know why, I would love a girl or a boy but…” she sighed. “You must think me strange.”

“Not at all.”

“I had this perfect vision of our family in my mind,” she said, and Max knew that he needed to keep quiet and let her open up.

“It was far too early to be having those kind of dreams, anything can happen that early but… I so much wanted a family of my own again, Max. Don’t get me wrong, your family has been wonderful to me, and I love your parents and May as if they were my own, but it’s not the same.”

Max felt her warm tears fall onto
his chest and began to gently rub her arm, hoping that the movement would soothe her.

“I was choosing names, wondering how to redecorate the nurseries, thinking about where we would have the christening. She
may have been tiny, but she was very real to me. I need time to let her go before trying again.

Max kissed the top of her head.

“I can’t claim to understand how you feel but it sounds perfectly reasonable to me. You had everyone you loved ripped away from you and that hurt more than I will ever know. To want to rebuild that seems very rational.”

“And to grieve for a baby who was too small to see?”

“You tried to lock your heart away, Luce, to spare yourself future pain but everyone who loves you knows how deeply you really feel things. I would be shocked if you didn’t feel this way.”

He felt Lucy’s lips turn up
where they were pressed against his chest, though her tears continued to fall.

“Thank you.”

He held her until her tears finally abated, then felt around in his breeches pocket for a handkerchief to hand her.

“I must look a frightful sight.” Lucy sat up and wiped the pool of tears
from his chest and gave him a sheepish smile as she dried her eyes.

“Well I am biased, but you look lovely to me.”

“You’re only saying that because you have to,” she teased, but Max sat up and stilled her hands, taking the handkerchief from her.

He began to gently pat the moisture away from around her eyes.

“No, Lucy, I meant every word I said earlier. I love you.”

“As a sister.”

“As a sister, as a friend and more importantly, as a lover
and
a wife. You’re everything to me, my darling.” His eyes pleaded with her to believe him.

Lucy smiled tentatively and nodded her understanding.

“What time is it?” she asked.

Max
leaned down to the side of the bed and got his pocket watch from his waistcoat.

“Almost six o’clock.”

“We should get dressed for dinner.”

“Do we have to?” Max pouted. “Now I have permission to share your bed again, I'm rather reluctant to leave it.”

Lucy actually laughed, before playfully chiding him. “Go and get dressed now, or you might just wear out your welcome.”

He pulled his shirt on and collected
up the rest of his clothes and then left, blowing her a kiss from the doorway. Lucy’s smile faded after the door closed.

She was pleased that their estrangement was over, and that they had finally admitted their love but all was not quite right in her world. She was still angry at him for bringing that woman into their lives and probably would be for a while.

She just prayed that the worst was over, that Madam Poisson would leave them alone from now on and that Max was true to his word, about having been and remaining faithful to her.

She supposed that she would have to speak with Max’s sister too. She had promised faithfully that she would keep Lucy’s confidence and although she was sure that
May had the best of intentions, it troubled Lucy. She valued trust and loyalty very highly and just because things had worked out this time, didn’t mean that she would feel able to trust May in the future.

***

When she got to the parlour for pre-dinner drinks, May was already there, looking rather abashed, although still pleased with herself.

“I know what you’re going to say, Lucy and you’re right. It was very very wrong of me but I swear I kept my fingers crossed the whole time.”

“I know you had the best of intentions, May, but keeping your fingers crossed doesn’t actually negate a promise.”

“Yes it does and you know it.”

“And if I’d asked to see your hands while you swore, would you still have told Max?”

“Well… yes. But Lucy, you have to un
derstand that what you described wasn’t the Max I knew. And I was right, it was some silly play he was reading.”

“I know that now,
May, and we won’t say anything more about this but…”

May
came up and embraced Lucy.

“I know. But you trust my judgement, don’t you?”

“Well…”

May
pulled away and took Lucy’s shoulders.

“How often have I told you that Max was madly in love with you, but would you believe me?”

Lucy blushed. “You were right,” she admitted. “But he never gave any-“

“No, no buts. I was right and you were wrong. Say it.”

Lucy couldn’t help smiling. “You were right and I was wrong.”

“Good. Now, after dinner you and Max can get back to making me a new niece or nephew
but in the meantime, there have been quite enough tears and tantrums for one day so-“

“I did not have a tantrum!” Lucy argued.

“I meant Sophie actually,” May smiled, taking Lucy’s arm. “The little prima donna refused to go to bed and gave the nanny a terrible time. She’s always more difficult when her father is away. Now, on to happier things; have a glass of wine and try to relax for the evening, all right?”

Lucy
nodded and accepted the glass.

It was the
first weekend in August and the date of their garden party although in actual fact, many guests would be staying for two weeks, a few longer. Travelling was just so difficult that only those who lived within a day or two’s journey would be staying for just a few nights.

Not counting servants, sixteen people were staying
; four couples, four older daughters and four single men (numbers had to be balanced, after all). Lucy and Donald were still here too and Max’s parents had come as well, although only for five nights.

Despite the preparations she had put into this event and other occupations to keep her guests entertained during their stay, Lucy wasn’t able to enjoy it.

She had been thinking a lot about what May had said to her, about using judgement when breaking a promise. Lucy had given her word to Charles but every fibre of her being was telling her that the right thing to do, was to betray that confidence, at least partially.

Poor Charles was looking quite grey these days
and he had lost a little more weight. The laudanum kept his cough mostly under control but he had needed to raise the dosage and by early evening, was looking quite glassy eyed. Lucy wouldn’t call him addicted, not like people who abused it, but he was definitely dependent.

He covered the signs of opium
use by almost always having a drink in his hand, so people would think that his stupor later on was from drink, not the drug. Lucy had even played along, chiding him not to have another drink, even though she knew he was actually only drinking two or three throughout the day.

Lucy felt dreadful though, knowing how hurt Max was going to be when he found out that she’d kept that information from him. Trust was important to her, both that she be trustworthy and that those she confided in were
too.

She didn’t know what to do for the best.

Max was still sharing her bed each night but only to sleep. To his credit he hadn’t tried to initiate sex once, even though she knew he was suffering for it.

She was still a little angry with him but the main reason she didn’t want to be intimate, was because she was now the one he couldn’t trust and she couldn’t give herself to him physically, until she had give
n him everything else that mattered.

“The weather looks as if it will stay nice for the garden party tomorrow,” he said as they lay in bed, Lucy curled into his side as usual.

“Hm?” She asked, having been pulled out of her reverie.

He repeated himself.

“Oh, yes, it should be good.”

They lapsed into silence again. Max had asked what was troubling her before but she
wouldn’t answer, so he didn’t pressure her.

“Max?”

“Mm?”

“Do you think it’s ever acceptable to break a confidence.”

“It depends?”

“On what?”

“The circumstances.”

“Such as?”

“Well… if someone confides something trivial but that could harm their or their family’s reputation, then no. If someone is making a bad decision though, or about to do something that could hurt another, then yes.”

“If I share
a confidence with you, do you swear to keep it from your mother?” She couldn’t ask him to keep this from his sisters, especially May and Charles’ main concern was that his wife wasn’t troubled by his illness.

“My mother?”

“Promise me!”

“I promise.”

“Show me your hands and promise again.”

Max held both hands where she could see that his fingers weren’t crossed, and promised
once more.

Lu
cy manoeuvred so that she was lying sideways, her head propped on her hand.

“I'm sorry I kept this from you,” she bega
n, her gaze focused on his chin rather than his eyes. “I gave my word not to tell anyone but I think that staying silent could hurt many people, people that I care about.”

Max nodded for her to continue, looking curious and just a little apprehensive.

“Your father is very ill, Max. He has consumption.”

“Don’t be silly, Lucy, he’s as healthy as a horse.”

“He was, Max, but he isn’t these days. Look closely tomorrow; he’s thinner, his complexion is pale and by the evening, his eyes glaze over because of his medicine.”

She could see Max searching his memories.

“But…” He seemed almost stupefied for a few minutes. “How long have you known?”

“About eight months. I felt unwell while your mother and I were shopping and returned home early, only to see the doctor leaving. He didn’t want to tell me but I made him, and he swore me to secrecy.”

“How long has he been ill?”

“He doesn’t
like to talk about it but I think, perhaps two or three years, maybe longer.”

Max was silent for a long time after that and Lucy didn’t know if it was just shock or if he was angry with her for keeping this from him.

“Don’t you see, that’s why he has been so hard on you for the past few years, because he knew that he wouldn’t be around for very much longer?”

“He was always hard on me.”

“Not like this. Ever since you came home from university, he’s different with you.”

Again, silence enveloped them and Lucy began to worry her lower lip.

“I'm sorry I didn’t tell you, Max, but I gave him my word. I feel awful even now, breaking his confidence.”

Max finally looked at her and his expression softened when he saw how
concerned she was. He lifted his hand and with his thumb, pulled her lower lip from her teeth.

“You’ll hurt yourself,” he told her, before placing a light kiss on her lips.

“You aren’t angry with me?”

Max shook his head. “I’m a lot of things but angry isn’t one of them
, especially not with you. I know how loyal you are and it must have taken a lot for you to tell me.”

Lucy nodded.

“Please though, promise me you won’t tell your mother, or anyone who might tell her. He doesn’t want her upset.”

“She’ll be upset when he dies, regardless.”

“I know, but I think he wants to spare her, well all of you but especially her, for as long as he can.”

“You have my word.”

“I’m so sorry, Max.”

“Stop apologising, none of this is your fault.”

“Maybe so,” she said, although she felt that this was her fault, if not for keeping it from Max, then for breaking her promise to his father. “I don’t have to be in the wrong to feel sorry.”

“Let’s try and forget it for now,” he said, kissing her again.

This time she kissed him back and the kiss quickly grew
passionate. Lucy repositioned herself so that she could better lean down to kiss him and his hands began to wander over her curves.

“Are you sure about this?” he asked in between kisses.

Lucy looked down at him and tucked a strand of his hair behind his ear. “I’m sure,” she reassured him. He still looked sceptical though, so Lucy sat up and pulled her nightgown off, throwing it aside before she settled against him again and resumed kissing him.