The Cowboy's Twins (14 page)

Her rejection hurt. Really hurt. He never should have let himself become vulnerable to another woman. He shouldn't have allowed her to get close to him. Hadn't he learned anything from Susie?

“Okay, well then, I guess I'll—”

“No—I mean, I've finished with all my chores for now,” she qualified.

He let out a breath he hadn't even realized he'd been holding, but it caught tight in his throat, giving it a ragged quality.

“If you want to take Calamity's tack off and give her a quick rubdown in one of the stalls, I'll go up to the house and make us a pot of coffee.” She glanced up at the sky to the gray clouds rolling in. “It looks like it might rain.”

“A hot cup of coffee would be nice but...” He paused, unsure how he should frame his question without heading down the wrong path again.

“But what?” She tilted her chin and regarded him calmly. There was no anger or frustration in her expression. In fact, Jax couldn't read it at all. He had no idea what she was thinking.

That was unnerving.

He cleared his throat. “I was just wondering—why the sudden change of heart? Last night I thought we were—” He paused to find the right word. “Close. This morning I had the distinct impression you were avoiding me.”

She sighed with so much emotion that all he could think of was how much he wanted to wrap her in his arms, tuck her head under his chin and hold her until the world went away.

But he knew better than to try that right now, not when something was so obviously bothering her—something that involved him.

So it was coffee, then. For now.

She still hadn't responded to his question, and he thought perhaps she wasn't going to. She ran a hand across her cheek, leaving a tiny trail of dirt.

Jax's gaze seized on it, and he clenched his fists to keep from following the line with his finger.

Finally, she spoke. “Ignoring this—
problem
—isn't going to make it go away. We both live in the same town, attend the same church. You're right. We need to talk. Now is as good a time as any.”

Problem?

So she thought he was a problem. Well, it wouldn't be the first time. His chest tightened defensively over his heart. The emotional shields dropped into place.

Faith might not care about his outward scars, but it sounded as if she was about to add to his inward ones. Even if she didn't mean to, and even if she didn't understand what she was doing, her words had the ability to pierce him straight through to his heart.

Because there weren't walls high enough or armor strong enough to protect him from Faith. He shouldn't have let himself develop feelings for her, but he had.

He wouldn't survive another broken heart.

* * *

Faith scooped four measures of hazelnut-flavored coffee into the coffeemaker basket, added water and pressed the on button. She had about five minutes max to gather her thoughts, to be able to give Jax a coherent explanation for her completely inexplicable behavior.

She knew what Jax had been through, understood that, especially after the kiss they'd shared, the way she was suddenly backing away from him was hurting him.

She would never in a million years have wanted to be someone who could cause Jax pain, but that didn't change the fact that she was in that very place now. She'd let herself grow close to him, had somehow even encouraged him to have feelings for her. She didn't even know exactly how that had happened, but when he'd turned around and planted one on her, there was no doubt that it
had
happened.

She wished she had been transparent about her past from the get-go. Then he'd understand why the recent events had affected her the way they had.

But she hadn't shared her past with him, and now it was too late. There weren't words to make this better, and there were no excuses.
I'm sorry
wouldn't be good enough. She had to get some distance from him, and no matter what she said, how she tried to explain, he would take it as a rejection—not of their relationship, but of
him
, his very essence, of who he was as a person.

Which was the furthest thing from the truth. It was because she cared for Jax and his sweet, darling baby girls that she could not let herself become more involved with him.

More than anything, she wanted to communicate that message to him, but no matter how she phrased it, she was going to come out sounding trite and clichéd.

It's not you, it's me.

The truth. And the ultimate brush-off.

She heard the screen door open and slam shut and then Jax stomping his boots on the welcome mat. He knew there was no need for him to take his boots off in her house. The stained pink carpet was well beyond repair and would have to be replaced—eventually. Sometime down the road, when she finally got around to repairing the house. And who in their right mind had originally chosen to cover their floor in garish pink carpet, anyway?

“Faith?” Jax called.

“In the kitchen.”

He appeared in the main doorway before her statement was finished, which meant he'd been standing right there all along. She raised a brow.

“Last time I didn't call your name fast enough,” he explained with the familiar half grin that made her heart dance. “So I thought I'd better be extra careful this time around, just in case you were—you know—walking backward carrying a couple of cups of hot coffee or something. Getting doused with oats is one thing. Scalding-hot liquid is quite another.”

“Oh, you,” she said, swatting his arm.

He laughed and ducked out of her reach.

Then their eyes met, and their amusement flickered to life, turning to something more akin to a warm fire in a hearth on a cold night.

Oh, why did this have to be so difficult? She'd never felt as much at ease with anyone as she did when she was with Jax. She could be herself with him. He understood her, and she believed she understood him, as well. Their friendship was rock solid.

If only it could remain a friendship.

But it couldn't. There was no possible way of it now. The kiss they'd shared the previous evening had taken the strength of their friendship and woven all kinds of new emotions into it, in a way that she knew they could not now unweave. It was the kind of experience she'd always dreamed of and yet never truly imagined existed.

Chemistry? Undeniable. There were stars and fireworks galore. But as deep as that was, their physical attraction to one another only scratched the surface of their interchange. It was like the lyrics to a song. The accompanying emotions were the music, the melody and harmony weaving in and out of her heart.

And ruining everything.

He pulled out a chair for her at the kitchen table and gestured for her to sit.

“Mugs?” he asked.

“Right above the coffeemaker.”

“That's a sensible place to keep them.”

“You make it sound like
sensible
is unusual for me.”

He poured two cups and set one before her and one across the table before seating himself.

“I would never say any such thing. I'd never even think such a thought. Cream or sugar?”

She shook her head. “I take mine black.”

“Yeah. Me, too.” He cupped both hands around his mug. “I could never figure out why people dump so many extra calories into a perfectly good zero-calorie beverage.”

She choked on a sip of coffee. “Right. Because you're so calorie conscious. I guess you have to watch your weight, don't you, to make sure you still look cute in your skinny jeans?”

He barked out a laugh. Jax was a big man, but he didn't have an ounce of fat on him. He was pure, unadulterated muscle from head to toe. And his jeans looked mighty nice on him, even if they weren't of the skinny variety.

“I'll bet you don't even exercise.”

His brow rose. “You mean like running? Or going to work out at the gym?”

She shrugged. “Something like that.”

“I hate to break it to you, but there's no gym in Serendipity.”

“That's a real shame.”

“Not really. I wouldn't use it if there was. And running? Forget that noise. You won't see me running unless I'm being chased by a grizzly bear. And it'll have to be a big bear.”

She chuckled. “Wow. And here I figured if you ran across a grizzly, you'd stick around and wrestle the thing.”

“Only if you were watching.” He winked at her. “Would that impress you?”

“Everything you do impresses me.”

His gaze widened, then narrowed. He reached across the table and took her hands.

“You say that,” he murmured, distracting her by rubbing his thumbs against her palms in small circles. Plus he was using that
voice
, the one that made Faith melt into a puddle of goo.

How fair was that?

“Something has shifted between us since last night,” he continued. “I don't have a clue, but I'm pretty sure you know what it is. Tell me what's bothering you.”

She dropped her gaze to where her hands lay in his. How could such big hands be so gentle?

“It's because I kissed you, right? It was too soon? If it was, I apologize. I got so caught up in the emotions of the night that I—”

“Don't apologize,” she interrupted. “It wasn't the kiss, exactly, or the timing.”

“We can take a step back,” he continued, his voice low and urgent. “I can go as slow as you need me to, Faith, but you've got to talk to me. Please tell me what you need.”

“I need you to leave me alone.” She hated the way she'd blurted it out, but if she hadn't, she knew she would have forever lost her courage.

His gaze clouded and he swallowed hard. He let go of her hands and laid his own flat on the table, staring at his fingers as if they would give him the answers he was seeking.

Faith knew there were no answers. Not for this.

She expected him to make a hasty exit, but when he looked up she could see the determination lining his gaze. He wasn't going anywhere. Not without a better explanation, which she didn't know how to give him.

“No.” He frowned and shook his head. “I refuse to believe that. Not after last night. What we have here growing between us, it's real. It's good. You know it and I know it. But you're afraid. Why? Is it because of Susie? Because—”

“It's not Susie. It's the babies.”

He rocked back in his chair, clearly stunned.

“Rose and Violet?”

“I love those two little girls more than you can possibly imagine.”

He let out a breath, reminding Faith of a deflating balloon. Relief flooded his expression.

“What did you think I meant?” she asked in alarm. “Surely you couldn't possibly think that I disliked them?”

“Two babies are a truckload of work,” he said. “Some women would consider that a lot of baggage.”

“Well, I'm not
some women
.”

“No. You're not. You're special.” Their gazes met and his eyes flamed.

“And so are your children. Don't you ever let anyone tell you those babies are anything other than the biggest blessings in your life. If a woman doesn't get that, she's not worthy of you.”

He nodded. “I agree. But you love my babies and you are definitely a worthy woman and yet you don't want to be with me. Is that right?”

She pinched the bridge of her nose. “I do want to be with you. Very much. That's the problem.”

“Because...?” He frowned over the rim of his coffee cup, his dark brow crinkling over his nose.

“Before I came here, I was in a relationship with a man who—” She paused. This was going to sound like a scripted reveal episode on a reality television show, but it was her story and it was her own fault for waiting this long to tell him the truth.

“Keith had a six-year-old son named Trevor. He introduced me to the boy just a few dates into our relationship.”

“How long did it last?”

“Two years. I thought I was in love with Keith, although now, looking back at it, I realize I had no idea what true love was about. There were signs from the beginning that it wasn't a healthy relationship.

“To tell you the truth, I think I stayed solely because of Trevor. His life wasn't remotely stable, and he needed an adult he could trust, not to mention a female role model in his life.” She sniffled. “And I loved him.”

Tears burned in her eyes despite her best effort to keep them at bay.

Jax picked up his chair and brought it around to her side of the table and then pulled her into his arms.

She didn't stop him, even though it was hardly consistent with her intention of backing away from him. If anything, she was getting more and more involved by the second.

“Keith was never responsible as a man or as a father. I knew he was seeing multiple women, and yet I stayed to keep Trevor out of the cross fire.

“Until one day, out of the blue, Keith told me he never wanted to see me again. I don't know why he waited so long, or why he chose right then to kick me out of his life. I only know that he—he told me I was lousy mother material and that he'd never even consider having me raise his son. I knew in my heart that it wasn't true, but his words still stung and it crushed me that I'd never be able to see Trevor again.”

She swept in a deep breath and shrugged helplessly. “That's it, in a nutshell—why it's just me and my horses out here on the range.”

At least it had been, until she'd gotten all tangled up with Jax. If only she hadn't attended the auction, or if she'd bid on some nice old married rancher with twenty grandchildren. Why had she gone and bid on the most appealing man on the block?

Jax's growl surprised her. “Keith is the biggest fool who ever walked the planet.” His voice was thick with emotion. He leaned back and took her face between his palms, gently stroking away her tears with the pads of his thumbs. “Listen to me, and listen to me good. There is no woman I've ever known who more deserves to be a mother. You will definitely be the greatest mom ever. I completely trust my babies with you. One hundred percent. Do you hear me? Those girls already understand that you are someone special in their lives.