The Dark and Hollow Places (19 page)

I stare at him. His eyes glisten and his lips tremble. I’d never told him he was enough for me. I was the one who failed him. Inside, I feel numb—so many emotions battling that they cancel each other out to nothing.

“Why didn’t you come home?” I ask. “After your time was up with the Recruiters, why didn’t you come home? It was only supposed to be two years and I waited for you and you never came home.”

He lets me go and turns to the wall, staring at one of the maps for so long that I wonder if he even heard my question. “Elias?” I say, stepping toward him. Discarded pins crunch under my feet, scattering across the floor.

He shakes his head, keeping me at bay. “I didn’t come
home because I never stopped working for the Recruiters.” He reaches out, tugging on a series of black pins and letting them fall to the floor. “I still haven’t.”

I exhale like a laugh, fully understanding. “That Recruiter—Conall—he was right, wasn’t he? When we were on the cable car and he said something about you getting Catcher to the island—he was right.”

“It’s not like that, Annah,” he says, holding up a hand, but I shake my head.

“You betrayed him. Us,” I spit at him angrily. “You said it was the only way—you made us think we had to come here in order to survive—”

“It
is
the only way for us to survive!” he shouts. A vein bulges along his forehead, his face red. “I had to find a way to keep all of you safe and this was it!”

I grimace, startled at his outburst, wondering who this person in front of me really is. Wondering if there’s anything left of the boy I grew up with and once thought I might love.

“Please, Annah,” he says. “You have to understand. I fought for the Recruiters against one of the hordes and we weren’t making a difference.” His voice is strained, desperate. “They say there were over eight billion people in the world when the Return hit—
eight billion
—and how many do you think died? Half? More? And now most of
them
are out there somewhere wandering around or downed, just waiting to infect us, and we were useless trying to kill them.”

“But we’ve been fighting for generations—”

“You weren’t there, Annah,” he says. “This horde hitting the Dark City? It’s tiny compared to some of the others.”

I cross my arms and cup my elbows in my hands, not wanting to imagine it, not wanting it to be true.

Elias comes around the desk. “Ox made me a proposition,” he says. “He offered me a chance off the fighting lines. They knew the Soulers worshiped the Unconsecrated, and they’d heard rumors of them having some Immunes that they treated like gods. He said that if I infiltrated the Soulers and figured out where the Immunes were, you and I could live in the Sanctuary.

“I knew those hordes we were fighting would come east,” he continues. “I knew it was only a matter of time. I was trying to do what I thought was right for us—what it would take for us both to survive as we always have.”

“This whole time it’s been about Catcher?” I ask.

“No.” He shakes his head. “That was pure luck.”

“Then why didn’t you hand him over when you had the chance? Catcher said you were running from the Recruiters. Why not just betray everyone then and be done with it?”

His shoulders sag and he won’t look me in the eye. “Because they’d have used Gabry to control him and I wouldn’t let them do that to her.”

I laugh. I can’t help it. “What do you think they’re doing with her now?” I shout. “With all of us? They’re using
us
to control him.”

“I know,” he whispers as if he’s ashamed. “I tried to figure out another way. I really did. But with the horde …” His voice trails off. “After Catcher and Gabry got away, the Recruiters took me back to Vista and the town revolted against them, forced us all out, and so we came back here. I was hoping to get to you before Catcher and Gabry made it to the City. I was hoping to warn you—to figure something out. But they found Gabry and took her and then I had no choice.”

He holds out a hand as if entreating me to believe him. “When I found out about the horde I tried to find another
solution, but using Catcher was the only way to get you and Gabry into the Sanctuary.”

“You did what it took to survive?” I hiss, throwing Catcher’s words at him.

He just nods. “It’s what I’ve always done, Annah. It’s what
we’ve
always done.”

I close my eyes and press my knuckles to my lips, trying to make sense of everything. Elias is right—if we’d still been in the Dark City we’d either be dead or stranded. But that doesn’t make his lying to us—his betraying us—sting any less.

“How long have you been back?” I ask him. I don’t open my eyes but I hear him shift, the metallic plink of a few pins rolling along the concrete floor. He holds his breath and I hold mine, waiting for the answer.

It takes five steps for him to cross the room. He takes my shoulders in his hands and waits until I look up at him. His colorless eyes are so achingly familiar. “This way we can survive, Annah. Isn’t that what we’ve always struggled to do? Isn’t that what I promised you in the beginning, that I would make sure we both survived? The Recruiters can do that. Catcher can do that for us.”

He doesn’t answer my question, which means that he’s been in the Dark City for long enough. He could have found me and he didn’t. That he wanted to warn me must have been just another of his lies.

I stare at him, at how he so firmly believes what he’s saying. “I’m not sure I can survive at the expense of someone else,” I tell him. And then I realize that there’s one thing I’ve learned since Elias’s been gone: “I can take care of myself.” I try to ignore the way my voice shakes. And then I turn and walk out of the room, leaving him and the maps and the pins behind.

I
wander the dingy gray hallways, my stomach painfully empty as I follow the smell of food past barren rooms holding nothing but stale air and dust. It must be evening, the light through the windows fighting against snow-heavy clouds and reflecting dully off a thin layer of white coating the ground.

A few times I get turned around, all the corridors looking the same, but finally I find the source of the smell in a long narrow room stuffed with old tables. Most of them are unoccupied and I slip inside with my head tilted enough that my hair covers my face.

Even though I try to blend in with the wall, the few Recruiters slumped in the scattered chairs notice me. It’s an uncomfortable quiet—forks paused midway to mouths, someone half standing with a dirty plate, all of them staring at me.

But I’m too starving to follow the voice inside warning that I should just leave. Trying to be as unobtrusive as possible,
I head toward a counter along the back wall that holds dishes of graying food: some sort of soup, some sort of meat, a few crumbs of bread. Hastily I fill a bowl, feeling the Recruiters’ eyes following my every movement.

When I turn I don’t know where to go. I start toward a small table shoved against the far corner but one of the men snakes an arm out around my waist, pulling me to him. My hip slides sharply along the lip of his table and I wince as I resist his grasping hands.

“We got room here,” he grunts. His face is dirty, sauce from the meat crusted in the corners of his mouth.

“I’m okay,” I tell him pointedly. In my head I hear Ox’s admonition not to cause trouble and I look around the room to see if any of the other men care about what’s happening. They’re all watching but none moves to intervene.

“I could use some company like you,” the man urges. His fingers bite into my lower back.

“No, really,” I say firmly, not wanting him to sense my growing apprehension, “I’m okay.” I don’t like the feel of him, the smell of his breath mingling with the aroma of food that’s stayed out too long.

“Pretty girl like you.” He stands, reaching for my face. His chest rams the bowl of soup I’m clutching and it spills down his shirt.

I jump away, tensing as a sick feeling lurches into my stomach. I can see the rage boil inside the man as it climbs to his face in a red haze. “You bitch.” He holds up a hand, knuckles angled toward my cheek. I flinch, recoiling into a ball, waiting for the blow and ready to roll away from it to lessen the impact. My own fingers clench into fists, but I know better than to strike and provoke the obviously stronger man.

All around us men stand, chair legs scraping across the concrete floor. None of them says anything or moves to step in.

“What’s going on?” a voice bellows. From the corner of my eye I see the legs of a tall man striding into the room. When he comes into full view I recognize Ox. Relief teases the edge of my agitation. I start to relax my tensed muscles, letting out a long-held breath.

Ox looks at me and then at the man with his fist raised to strike. “Is there a reason you’re about to hit this girl?” he asks.

The man doesn’t lower his hand. “She spilled soup on me,” he says, shifting so that Ox can see the stain.

Ox’s eyes narrow. “Was it hot—you get burned?” he asks.

The man shakes his head no.

Ox shrugs. “If you’re gonna hit her, then hit her. We’ve got work to do.” Then he turns and walks from the room.

My heart freezes, my mouth open in shock. He was supposed to help me! Astonishment knots in my stomach as the man turns to me, leering. I start backing away, bitter-tasting apologies stumbling from my lips, but this only makes the man’s leer grow.

My back hits another table and I push against it. Its legs groan and squeak as it slides over the floor, and still the man follows me—it seems as if he’s reveling in my fear. I hold my arms up to block him but he forces them away until I’m kneeling, curled over myself, trying to make the most vulnerable areas of my body as tiny a target as possible.

“Next time a man asks you to join him, I suggest you respect that,” he says. And then he brings his hand down, sharp and furious, across the right side of my face. Pain explodes, blasting through my skull, and I bite back a grunt as I throw
my hands over my head to protect myself against another blow. I want to spring up, dig my nails into his eyes, but I force myself to stay coiled on the floor instead.

The Recruiter laughs and kicks the now-empty soup bowl I’d been carrying at me, then he calls to his friends and they all swagger from the room, leaving me huddled in the corner.

For a long time I stay there trying to catch my breath, which comes in wheezes and hiccups. Over and over again I replay the entire episode, trying to figure out how I lost control of it so fast. I curse myself that I wasn’t stronger or somehow smart enough to manipulate the situation toward a better outcome.

Ox could have stepped in and stopped it but he didn’t, and I realize he was telling the truth when he said he’d always side with his men and that it’s my job to keep clear of trouble. When I’d told Elias that I knew how to take care of myself, I believed it. I’ve been taking care of myself alone for years—knowing to avoid the Recruiters and their cold cruelty. But I’m not sure I know how to do that anymore. Not in the Sanctuary.

Sick to my stomach, I find a rag to sop up the spilled soup and I try to eat a few bites of bread, knowing I need something in my system but choking on every piece that I force down my throat.

Finally, I slip from the room, glancing around each corner before shuffling down the hallways, staying pressed against the wall as if it could protect me.

I’ve never felt more cold and alone and tired. Hopelessness spirals through me, draining me of energy. Helpless tears cloud my eyes, but the rage that usually accompanies such feelings never comes. I’m used to anger—used to using it to
fill me with fight to face another day or week or month. Yet there’s nothing.

Listless and exhausted, I wander the corridors, trying to find Elias or Catcher or my sister, following stairs when they appear and letting gravity pull me where it will. My cheek throbs and I press it against windows, letting the cold of the night numb the pain.

I’m standing there, silent and lost, when I hear what sounds like cheering. It seems so out of place that I find myself following the noise, wondering what there is to clap about when the world seems to be pulling itself apart around us.

I turn a corner and there’s a light glowing ahead, and I walk toward it hoping maybe Elias and my sister are there. The hallway opens up, widens with windows set into the walls—most of them broken or missing their glass. Instinct telling me to hide myself after the earlier altercation, I crouch close to the floor and peek my head over one of the ledges.

I end up looking down on a crowd of Recruiters huddled and sprawled along tiers of benches sloping to a concrete floor below. Some of the men stand with their arms raised, clapping and shouting. The air’s thick with the stench of them, unwashed bodies and greasy hair.

Everyone’s focused on one object: a large metal cage in the center of the auditorium. In the corner, several Unconsecrated trudge around in wheels powering lights strung across the ceiling under night-darkened skylights. They moan and reach for the living and I can see from here that most of them are missing fingers or even their entire hands.