The Darwin Awards Countdown to Extinction (32 page)

Now the plan was to put two people on each end of the rope, pull as hard as possible until they heard the wood crack, then let go and run away from the falling tree. But somehow our hero missed this memo. On the count of three, they began to pull on the rope with all their might, and as they strained the tree began to shift, and suddenly—
CRACK!

Everyone began to run. Well, almost everyone. Our hero hid behind the target tree, covered his ears, closed his eyes, and crouched down dead in the path of the falling tree. The birch bounced and landed less than a foot away from him! The guides were mad, of course, but everyone else was laughing too hard to be angry.

That was one of the many highlights of that ten-day camping trip in the Adirondacks. An observer told our hero, “When we get home, I’m telling the Darwin Awards about this!” And he did.

 

Reference: Matt Monitto

 

 

1990s, SWITZERLAND | During a training lesson on a plush tennis court in Gstaad, a high school student named Elbrus (son of Russian nouveau riche) decided to check out how a tennis ball machine works. Since you’re reading this here, you already know the machine was on and working; in other words, shooting balls. Elbrus stuck his nose in front of the machine to inspect that complicated device. Before anyone could react, the next ball struck him right in the face, breaking his nose and knocking him out! It was his lucky day. The machine was
not
set to a maximum power—otherwise it would have killed him.

 

Reference: Anonymous

 

 

1999, NEVADA | Roofing vacant homes in Sun Valley was the sweetest commute imaginable. I’d wake up, make breakfast, climb a ladder, and
BAM!
I was at work. Two things Sun Valley has: sand and dirt. Front yards: sand and dirt. Backyards: sand and dirt. Between homes: sand and dirt. Guess what the roads are made of. Yeah.

Dust was so prevalent that it was constantly being exchanged by dust devils. These tiny tornadoes were always wandering aimlessly about, coming tantalizingly close but never engaging me. You see, I’ve always been a reckless sort. Personal risk is something I will wager for the prospect of fun. My idea was simple: jump into the first devil of formidable size; not some weak little twister that could only get me dirty. I wanted a contender.

A month passed. My Mexican helper cried out, “Miguel! Look! Look!” And there it was. A monster. My monster, with a thirty-foot footprint, rising hundreds of feet into the air, heading straight for us.

“I’m goin’ in!”

To which Joaquin replied, “Nooo, Miguel, noooo.” At this point I must tell you, Joaquin was a very reluctant accomplice.

Down the ladder I went, two steps at a time, and as I ran closer and heard the roar I must say I had second thoughts. But stupidity got the best of me, so eager was I to interact with this behemoth. In I rushed.

Instantly all the air was sucked out of my lungs. My eyes were filled with high-velocity sand and what little breath I could draw was just detritus from the tornado. As the twister pulled me toward its center, the feeling of being planted firmly on the ground was diminishing, and something wanted my body to spin.

The violence was so intense that I wondered to myself, “Could one of these kill someone? Has anyone ever
died
inside a dust devil?” When it finally released me, I went down onto my hands and knees, choking and gagging, and kissed the ground. Joaquin rushed to my side and frantically communicated that he thought I was a goner. To which I gasped, “I’d like to do that again.”

Joaquin just shook his head and muttered,
“Estupido.”

 

Reference: Anonymous

—Ecclesiastes 3:20

 

 

AUGUST (VARIOUS YEARS), PENNSYLVANIA | Every summer, the Society for Creative Anachronism holds a two-week-long “war” in a cornfield in Pennsylvania. The Darwin Awards team loves SCA members for their welcoming enthusiasm and their passion for medieval history and arts both fine and martial. But in any large organization, there are always a few outliers. And at an event the size of Pennsic, which attracts over ten thousand attendees from around the world, there are bound to be some potential Darwin Award winners running around. For example:

A knight fell “dead” (i.e., passed out) on the battlefield after a minor body blow. When he came to, he revealed that his appendix had been removed just last weekend, and he was still stapled shut from surgery. Ladies, protect your fighters! Hide your knight’s helmet if he intends to endanger himself.

A woman was taken to the camp’s medical facility with heat exhaustion verging on heat stroke. Attempts to lower her temperature failed. Finally the EMTs removed her clothing to apply ice. Beneath her elaborate historic dress, they found that she was wrapped neck to ankles in plastic wrap, in order to lose weight. Removing the plastic wrap brought her temperature under control. Remember: Your date wants to stroke
you
, not plastic!

When the damp weather made it hard to get a campfire started, a knight suggested using a capful of white gas. His squire heard “cupful” and poured on two. The fumes became a situation. The knight, a real-life munitions expert, said, “We’ve got to burn it to defuse it!” He lit a piece of paper and kicked it into the pit.
WHOOMPH!
A fourteen-foot column of white-hot fire was the result. An actor in a nearby play glanced offstage, did a double-take, and hollered, “Fire!” to the crowded theater. The mushroom cloud could be seen a mile away. The squire was restricted from using accelerants henceforth.

Reference: Wendy “Darwin” Northcutt

 

“Three reasons to love the SCA!”

 

 

Fellatio is surprisingly rare in the animal kingdom. Humans do it, of course—though it’s still illegal in some states. And bonobo chimps, our close African ape relatives, do it—though really, what won’t they do? But in the wee hours of the night, researchers happened upon wild female
fruit bats
regularly performing fellatio during mating.

Researchers in China were studying the short-nosed fruit bat,
Cynopterus sphinx,
native to Southeast Asia. As expected, males built tent nests out of fan palms and began to court friendly females. Once a female was inside the nest, the couple groomed each other, a courtship behavior common in many animals. The male initiated intercourse—no surprises there—but then, to the researchers’ astonishment, the lady bat bent down and began to fellate her mate!