The Darwin Awards Next Evolution: Chlorinating the Gene Pool (10 page)

Darwin Award: Sudden Stop

Unconfirmed

WISCONSIN

A patrol officer was invited to speak to a driver’s education class about safety. Like all such officers he came armed with several cautionary tales, and the irony of this one will stay with you.

In a town down the road, seven college kids decided to raise a little ruckus after a party. They all piled into a pickup—one in the cab and the rest in the back—and drove down deserted back roads, pulling stop signs out of the dirt. Their goal was to get as many stop signs as possible into the truck. Speeding back to the party, the pickup was struck by a delivery vehicle at—you guessed it—an intersection that had, until recently, sported a safety marker.

The six in the back of the truck were killed, and the driver was badly injured. The patrol officer said he would never forget the sight of the dead students sprawled at the wreck, surrounded by twenty-seven stop signs.

Reference: Eyewitness account by Nic

Darwin Award: Merry Pranksters

Unconfirmed

No good prank goes unpunished.

The telephone company was replacing aboveground telephone lines with buried lines in a sparsely populated farming area. Where lines crossed a country road they would dig a trench halfway across, so rural traffic could continue through. After laying the lines, they would fill in the trench and dig a trench on the other side.

One morning local farmers called the sheriff to report a smashed-up pickup. Inside were two ranch hands last seen the previous night, heading home after final call. You see…

On their way to the bars the men had decided to play a prank. They stopped their pickup at a trench and moved the flashing warning signs to the good side of the country road. Crime-scene analysis later confirmed that they were the culprits who moved the flashing stands. Investigations also revealed that at the time of the accident they were driving at an excessive speed with an impressive amount of alcohol in their systems.

No crime-scene analysis is capable of determining whether the ranch hands forgot their prank, or chose to see what would happen if they hit that trench at a high rate of speed in the middle of the night.

Reference: Eyewitness account from the archives of an M.D. with thirty-one years in the ER

Darwin Award: Stop. Look. Listen.

Confirmed True by Darwin

12 SEPTEMBER 2007, FLORIDA

Rare Double Darwin.

A woman wins two concert tickets from a local radio station. She can’t believe her luck. The Dave Matthews Band, live! She invites her friend to join her, but they are in for more than a concert experience.

Flash forward to the next morning. The head of operations at the amphitheater looks like hell. Two women were killed the previous night at the concert. He is shocked. Nothing like this has ever happened at the amphitheater.

Flash back to the previous evening, 8:30
P.M
. and pouring rain. The show is delayed. Two women leave the venue to escape the rain. They pass multiple free shuttle buses that run directly to the parking lot. Instead, they opt for a shortcut across a seven-lane interstate.

They run a hundred yards through wet grass and jump a six-foot fence that borders the road. Ahead are three lanes of freeway traffic, a hundred-foot median, and another four lanes of traffic. Beyond that is another six-foot fence, the maze of an under-construction garage, and a long hike around a casino.

All in all the “shortcut” to their vehicle covers a distance of half a mile. And the women are in a torrential thunderstorm. Free shuttle bus, or mad dash across dangerous territory?

The head of operations was an eyewitness when the first vehicle struck the women at 8:30
P.M
. Oddly, this was in the first lane of traffic, on a straightaway where one can see headlights for miles in either direction. The impact hurled the women farther into traffic, and each was struck by a second car. They did not survive the collisions.

Ironically, one of the women was an “energetic and gifted athlete” who had won two national championships in gymnastics. Physical prowess is no substitute for the homespun maxim:

Stop. Look. Listen. Or tomorrow you’ll be missing.

Reference:
The St. Petersburg Times
and the eyewitness account of Jon Harsanje

Darwin Award: Clotheslined!

Confirmed True by Darwin

13 JANUARY 2008, FLORIDA

Wearing only swim trunks and sneakers, a thirty-seven-year-old man raced his motorcycle toward the Manasota Key drawbridge.

As the bridge began to open, it was clear that he intended to “shoot the gap.” Bridge designers had anticipated such lunacy and invented the crossing guard. The closing gates swept him off his Suzuki, over the side of the bridge, into the water, and out of the gene pool. By a twist of fate the motorcycle continued up the ramp and made it across to the other side.

Darwin notes: My driving instructor was very clear: “Not accidents: crashes. Almost every crash can be prevented by avoiding distractions while driving.” He was a wise man.

Reference:
Sarasota Herald-Tribune

Reader Comment:

“If Evel can do it,
I can too!
”

Darwin Award: Footloose in the Footwell

Confirmed True by Darwin

28 JULY 2006, AUSTRALIA

Police wished to question Gareth, thirty-eight, in connection with a stabbing. He evaded that unpleasant business when he drove his car into a power pole. It was initially assumed that he had simply lost control of the vehicle, but Victoria police soon determined that the fatal crash was caused by an accidental shot to the groin. Apparently the deceased had been driving along with a loaded firearm kept handy in the footwell of the car.

Reference: abc.net.au, TheAge.com.au

Darwin Award: Shopping Cart Crash

Confirmed True by Darwin

8 MARCH 2008, FLORIDA

Just because you see it online does not mean it’s a good idea. Cameron, eighteen, was joyriding in a shopping cart as he held on to a moving SUV. An eyewitness said, “It’s irresponsible behavior, but what do you expect from teenagers?” The car and the cart went over a speed bump and the cart overturned, ejecting its occupant, who was not wearing the cart’s little seat belt. Cameron was pronounced dead at the scene.

Reference: www.wftv.com

Reader Comment:

“Grocery Basket Follies”

Darwin Award: Organ Donors

Confirmed True by Darwin

3 FEBRUARY 2008, CALIFORNIA

Two dirt bikes, two drivers, two passengers. Zero helmets, zero headlights, and a new moon. Four friends were tearing around in pitch dark on private land, where helmets and lights are not required. Inevitably their bikes collided. The highway patrol said the two couples were killed between 1:30 and 3:30
A.M
. in Modesto.

Emergency room workers have a name for people who ride dirt bikes without helmets. They’re called “future organ donors,” and that is the only career now possible for Thomas, thirty-three; Michael, thirty-three; Kelly, thirty; and Cynthia, twenty-nine.

Reference: SFgate.com, Associated Press

At Risk Survivor: Hook, Line, and Sinker

Unconfirmed

2000, DENMARK

Exhilarated by the freedom of his first driver’s license, a young man borrowed a car from his uncle, a car collector, and took his cousin out for a spin.

Denmark winters are usually mild, but this particular year was so cold that the Baltic Sea surrounding the island of Als froze over. When the cousins drove down to the shore, they found that Ketting Bay had iced over. They took a quick walk on the ice, tested it by jumping up and down, and decided it was thick enough to drive on.

A few hundred yards offshore they discovered their error. The ice cracked and the car sank. Luckily Ketting Bay is shallow, so the boys suffered no worse than wet pants as they escaped through the car windows. Up to this point their misadventure could be considered a poor estimate.

They looked the half-submerged collectible car over and decided they had better pull it out before Uncle got mad. So they walked back to the farm, found a coil of rope and a strong car, drove back to the beach—and out to the submerged car!

Sploosh.

At this point we would not be wrong to talk about the foolishness of youth.