The Deepest Cut (5 page)

‘Now get out of here you two before I find a punishment for you, as well.'

‘We better go,' I said to Jake.

‘Yes, you had,' she said, putting her hand on my back and moving me towards the stairs.

‘See ya later,' Nathan said.

‘Yeah, laters,' Jake said.

Nathan and I went off back to our lunch, wondering exactly how much trouble Jake was going to get into when Debbie found out what he'd done.

We didn't see him again till the end of school. Nathan was coming back too and we walked almost in silence. Jake was terrified about getting through the front door because he knew he was in so much trouble.

Debbie acted like nothing had happened at all, like it was just another normal day. When we left, though, that was a completely different story. Let's just say, Jake said the ceiling almost caved in with how loudly she shouted at him.

She made sure he'd never do anything like that again.

Debbie was standing at the school gates in her sunglasses, even though it was properly raining. I knew straight away that something was wrong. One, because she was wearing her sunglasses in the rain, and two, because now we were in year ten, she never ever picked us up.

It was almost Christmas. December 15
^th
was the exact date: a date I'll never forget. We'd been counting down the days until we broke up because we were excited for two weeks off school, sitting about playing Xbox, watching movies in our pyjamas, and drinking hot chocolate.

‘Why's your mum here?' I looked up at Jake from under my hood. I thought maybe something had happened with his dad, who had walked out on them when Jake was eight. Or maybe with their house or something. I never thought for a second that it might have had something to do with me.

‘Dunno,' Jake said. ‘Maybe she's come to pick us up
‘
cause it's raining or something.'

‘Yeah, she looked well sorry for us yesterday when we got in all soaked and stuff,' Nathan said.

It didn't feel right. My stomach felt funny. I could feel that something was wrong.

‘Alright, Mum?' Jake asked as we went over to her.

‘Alright, Mrs C?' Nathan said. ‘Sporting the celebrity look in your glasses, innit? You're well cool.'

She didn't laugh.

We got into the car in silence.

‘Why'd you come and pick us up?' Jake asked, as he got in the front and put his seatbelt on.

I was in the back diagonal to Debbie. I was looking at her, searching for a clue. Nathan and Jake didn't seem that bothered, but my brain was going round and round.

Debbie's expression stayed the same. It didn't crack or give away any secrets. She was completely straight-faced.

‘Let's just get home, OK?' She said, and turned the engine on.

Jake turned on the radio but she leant over and turned it off again.

‘Not now, Jake,' she said, but her voice was still soft as it always was.

‘What's up?' Jake asked, and I could tell he was worried now, too.

She said nothing; she just carried on driving.

Nathan looked across at me confused.

Back at Jake's, she turned the engine off. ‘Jake, Nathan, when we get inside, I'd like you to go straight upstairs. I need to talk to Adam in private.'

‘Am I in trouble?' I asked. I started to feel sick. There was something seriously wrong.

She turned around. ‘No, darling, you're not in trouble, not at all.'

If I wasn't in trouble, what was this about? What had happened? I needed to know.

We undid our seatbelts and got into the house. Jake and Nathan went straight upstairs without arguing, or trying it on, or going into the kitchen for a drink and bag of crisps.

I was in the hallway, watching Debbie unzip her coat and put it on the banister. ‘Let me take yours,' she said. She put it on the radiator to dry out.

‘What's up?' I asked, but the words hardly came out, I was so scared.

‘Let's go in here,' she said. She opened the living-room door and let me walk in first. Inside my dad was sitting on one of the sofas, looking at his shoes.

‘Dad?'

‘Sit down, son,' he said, but he didn't look up.

I looked at Debbie. I was just praying that somebody would tell me what was going on.

‘I think it's best you sit down, darling,' she said.

I perched on the edge of the other sofa. Debbie sat down next to me and took my hand, which was shaking.

I waited. All I could hear was the sound of my own heartbeat in my ears.

‘There was an accident this morning,' my dad said, but he still didn't look up.

Debbie tightened her grip on my hand. My heart beat faster. It felt like there was a rush of something running through my body that made me feel fuzzy.

‘It's your mum …' And that was all my dad managed to say, before his shoulders started bobbing up and down, and he started crying silently.

I stood up but Debbie made me sit back down again.

‘Is she OK, Debbie?' I asked. ‘Is she OK?'

Debbie shook her head.

‘Why? Where is she? What's happened?'

‘She's in the hospital, sweetheart,' she said. ‘She's very sick.'

‘She's going to be OK, though, isn't she?' I asked. She had to be. She had to be OK.

Silence. Neither of them said a word.

‘Dad?'

More silence.

‘She was on the motorway,' Debbie said. ‘It was a van. There was an accident.'

‘Where was she going on the motorway?' I asked. It didn't make any sense. She only worked down the road. It only took her twenty minutes to get in and back every day. ‘What motorway?' I asked again.

Debbie looked sternly at my dad. He said nothing.

‘She had a meeting on the coast,' Debbie told me, but still looking at my dad.

‘Can I go and see her?' I asked. ‘I need to see her.'

‘She's very sick, Adam,' Dad said.

‘Of course you can go and see her,' Debbie said and stood up.

The living-room door opened, and Jake and Nathan came in.

‘We're coming, too,' Jake said. ‘We're coming, too,' he said again. He was telling, not asking.

‘She's gonna be alright, man,' Nathan said. ‘I promise.'

‘Chris, are you going to come?' Debbie asked.

He shook his head.

‘I think you should.'

‘I can't Deb, I just can't handle it.'

I didn't care if he stayed or went or what he did. We started moving fast; moving to put our coats back on and out the door and into the car. I wanted to push a button to get there instantly. I needed to find out it was a mistake and, actually, she was alright and it was just a cut on the head or something. We'd laugh together about all the fuss and then go home for a fish-finger sandwich for our tea.

Luck was on our side, there was no traffic. We didn't get stuck at any lights or anything and we were there really quickly.

My mum was in the intensive-care place so Jake and Nathan couldn't come in with me; they had to wait outside in the corridor. The nurse made me scrub everything before they led me and Debbie in to see her.

She took us into a room. It wasn't like the movies, it was worse than that. There was a machine and it was going beep … beep … beep and it rung through my ears like it was as loud as one of those air-raid sirens. There were tubes and wires everywhere. Lying on the bed, completely still, was my mum. She was grey. There was a tube in her throat and she definitely didn't just have a cut on her head and we definitely weren't going home for a fish-finger sandwich for tea.

I stood a few feet away from the bed and looked at her.

There was no life in her at all.

I knew then that she was going to die.

I ran out of the room. It was too much to take in.

‘Adam,' Debbie called after me, but I ignored her. I was scared, terrified. I didn't want to see my mum like that. It didn't look like her. It wasn't who she was. It scared me so much.

I ran down the corridor and burst through the double doors out of the ward and, right in front of where Jake and Nathan were sitting, I threw up all over the floor.

They both gasped and jumped up, then Debbie's arms went round my waist, and she held me while my whole body shook. Then she turned me around and held me tight against her chest, and stroked my hair, while I cried for what felt like hours.

‘I'll never let you go,' she whispered into my ear.

The next day, when they turned off my mum's life-support machine, I was curled up in Jake's bed, under his Power Rangers duvet.

I had no idea what grief was – I still don't in a way – I was only fourteen. I had no idea what I was feeling or why I was feeling it.

Mum's funeral was three days before Christmas and Jake refused to leave my side; from the moment we woke up, to the moment the hearse pulled up outside my house, and my legs went like jelly, and I fell to the floor – and all during the service, he held my hand so tight.

I sat through the whole thing, not listening to what was being said about my mum, but just staring at her coffin. I wasn't sure any of it was real. I wondered if her body was really in the coffin, a few metres away from me. I wondered how she could just die. How it seemed just like yesterday she was laughing at me, and ruffling my hair while pouring out my cereal before she left for work, and now … Now she was lifeless, cold, gone, and locked inside that wooden box with a bunch of lilies on top. It was impossible.

I didn't cry at all during the funeral and I didn't know if that was OK, because everyone else was crying. Even my dad, even though I don't think he ever really loved my mum; not as much as I did, anyway.

After the service, Debbie took me, Jake and Nathan off to walk around the gardens and she told us that she believes in heaven. She said our souls are eternal and when we die, they're set free to go to a loving, magical place. She promised me that one day, when I'm really old and it's my turn, I will fly up to heaven and my mum will be waiting for me.

‘Do you think she was in pain when she died?' I asked because it had been on my mind since it happened.

‘No, I don't think she was,' Debbie said.

‘I hope not,' Jake said.

‘What about Christmas?' I asked, as that had been on my mind, too. I didn't want to be at home with just my dad. He'd be drunk and might not even get out of bed.

‘You and your dad can spend it with us,' she said. I was pleased, but not totally, I didn't want my dad there spoiling the mood or anything. I wanted it to be just us.

We left my dad at the chapel where my mum's service was and went back to Jake's house. Debbie gave us all blankets to have on the sofa, made us hot chocolate, and closed the curtains – because she knew that was how we liked it – and, because they knew I need cheering up, Jake and Nathan let me choose the film.

Later, Debbie said I could stay over. I think she knew my dad would be in the pub, drunk. She gave us a fiver for chips and Jake and I went off back to mine to get some stuff. We said goodbye to Nathan on the corner as he went off home for his tea.

Jake and I were upstairs in my room rummaging around for some batteries for Jake's Xbox controller. I'd said I didn't really feel like playing, but he said it would cheer me up.

A key went in the lock downstairs and my dad walked in talking to someone. I heard a female voice and it made all the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end.

‘Who's that?' Jake whispered as I stood in my bedroom doorway.

‘I don't know,' I said, trying to listen.

The woman laughed really loudly and it was a horrible, deep, dirty laugh. It made me feel a bit sick.

‘Has your dad got a bit of skirt?' Jake asked.

‘No, of course he hasn't. He's with my mum,' I said. Then I realised we'd just had her funeral so he wasn't anymore. She'd only just died, though, so of course he didn't have a girlfriend yet.

‘Let's go and listen,' Jake said. We walked quietly to the top of the stairs, but stayed out of view.

Dad was crashing around in the kitchen. I could tell he was drunk. I could always tell when he was drunk.

‘Where's my bloody whisky?' He asked and she laughed.

‘Maybe Adam has it,' she said. Who was she? I didn't recognise her voice.

‘Nah, he's too much of a pussy to drink,' Dad said.

Jake was looking at me with really wide eyes. He went to speak but I put my finger to my lips to tell him to be quiet.

‘So, are you going to tell him about me?' The woman asked.

My fingers and arms went numb and my heart raced. What did she mean?

A cupboard door slammed shut. ‘I've just buried his mother, Jackie,' Dad said.

‘I know, I know, but there's no reason for it not to be out in the open now, is there?'

‘What?' Jake whispered.

‘Shhhh,' I said. I didn't want to miss anything. I needed to know what they were talking about and what needed to be out in the open.

‘Chris, come on,' she said. ‘Is the same thing going to happen with Adam as it did with Jenny? Am I going to carry on being your dirty little secret? Just tell him for Christ sake, will ya?'