The Devil Delivered and Other Tales (41 page)

The whole school must have been watching, I bet.

“We’ll tell ya all ’bout sportin, now,” Grandma Matchie announced. “An we’ll tell it like this!” and she advanced on them, and they all tried to fit through the crack in the corner that wasn’t there, and if even if it was they were too big anyway. I could’ve told them all about that, but why bother?

“Doc. You live in a fishbowl and spend all day glapin, glapin, glapin!”

“That’s not true!” he shouted, climbing to his feet.

“Course not!” Grandma Matchie snapped, then she grinned. “But it could be, if’n I wuz t’say so.” And she turned to Big Nose. “An you, you’re jus a Big Nose breathin down all the kids’ backs!”

“
WHAT
?” Big Nose jumped to her feet, grabbing her nose. “But my nose is small!”

“Yep. An if y’wanna keep it that, use it less often an keep it away from where it ain’t s’pposed t’be in the first place!” And she spun to face the principal. “An you’re the most impert’nent ear-flapper of em all!”

He leapt to his feet, his eyes blazing. “
I AM NOT
!”

Grandma Matchie shook her head sadly. “Fraid y’are.”

Then it was Mom’s turn, and boy did she go white! “Ester! Well! Have you anythin t’say fur yerself afore I pass judgment pon ya?”

“We, uh, I didn’t think anyone would understand—”

Grandma Matchie raised her eyebrows. “Oh? Mebee next time you’ll let em decide fur emselves, eh?”

Wringing her hands, Mom nodded weakly and stared down at her feet.

“From now on,” Grandma Matchie pronounced, “there’ll be no brooms allowed in my cabin!”

“Oh my, oh my!”

But there was no room for argument—you could see that. And when Grandma Matchie glared at Dad, you could see he was wishing he was back in his Jacuzzi. “So, I embarrass you, do I, Jock Senior?”

He went red.

“You’ll have t’get used to bein embarrassed, then, won’t ya? Cause we’re all movin in with ya! Fur a whole month! Alla us!”

Cheering noises came from outside, and Dad gulped, but he didn’t say one word of protest. He knew better.

And now, they all knew better.

Fishin’ with Grandma Matchie:

Big jesters are just little jesters in disguise, that’s all. I really don’t mind being ferreted out every now and then, and that corner’s not so scary once you suddenize that the last laugh is, as always, yours.

So the next time your Big Nose tells you to tell her what you did for summer vacation, you’ll know what to do. The thing about Bigness is that when you’re small it’s easy to sneak around it, or under it. Pretend you’re an ant carrying your favorite Adam’s Egg under a big, flat rock. And when the time’s right just break that Egg and eat it for breakfast.

You’ll never be hungry again, I bet.

TOR BOOKS BY STEVEN ERIKSON

Gardens of the Moon

Deadhouse Gates

Memories of Ice

House of Chains

Midnight Tides

The Bonehunters

Reaper’s Gale

Toll the Hounds

Dust of Dreams

The Crippled God

The Devil Delivered and Other Tales

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Archaeologist and anthropologist Steven Erikson’s debut novel,
Gardens of the Moon,
was short-listed for the World Fantasy Award. His
New York Times
bestselling series, The Malazan Book of the Fallen, has been hailed as a masterpiece of epic fantasy. He lives in Cornwall, England. To find out more, visit
www.malazanempire.com
and
www.stevenerikson.com
.

This is a work of fiction. All of the characters, organizations, and events portrayed in these stories are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.

THE DEVIL DELIVERED AND OTHER TALES

Copyright © 2012 by Steven Erikson

All rights reserved.

Cover photograph by Chip Simons/Getty Images

The Devil Delivered
was first published in Great Britain by PS Publishing in 2005.

Revolvo
was first published in Great Britain by PS Publishing in 2008.

Fishin’ with Grandma Matchie
was first published in Great Britain by PS Publishing in 2005.

A Tor Book

Published by Tom Doherty Associates, LLC

175 Fifth Avenue

New York, NY 10010

www.tor-forge.com

Tor
®
is a registered trademark of Tom Doherty Associates, LLC.

The Library of Congress has cataloged the print edition as follows:

Erikson, Steven.

      The devil delivered and other tales / Steven Erikson.—1st ed.

         p. cm.

   ISBN 978-0-7653-3002-4 (hardcover)

   ISBN 978-0-7653-3003-1 (trade paperback)

   ISBN 978-1-4668-0389-3 (e-book)

   I.  Title.

    PR9199.4.E745D48 2012

    813'.6—dc23

2012009389

e-ISBN 9781466803893

First Edition: June 2012