The Diary of Geza Csath (7 page)
Read The Diary of Geza Csath Online
Authors: Geza Csath
15. „But Doctor, what are you doing with someone so old?“ „You are not old, Madame, excuse the liberty I take, I am charmed by your beauty and overwhelmed by your youthfulness! Do not condemn me! I feel an infinite respect for you!“
1. Don’t forget, if coitus is not possible: there is still opportunity for O.C.,
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frotte, cunnilingus, coitus in anum, fellatio.
2. We must have doubts about succeeding, but
behave
as if we had no doubt whatsoever.
3.
It must not be forgotten
that bromine, the barber, bathing, clean linen, heart-washes
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, enemas, nose-washes, alcohol, etc. are tools which can be of much help in a difficult situation.
4. If we can no longer control ourselves: let us take an additional 1 gr. of bromine and wait half an hour, lying down.
5. Counting slow, deep, even breaths while lying horizontally affords self-control.
6. Fortification of the will is great work, and produces joy, but …
I want to write down in detail the hard day I had today. I dislike the number 19. From now on I must arrange things so that if possible I need not leave the house on this day.
I woke at 9.00 and injected .012 P, then lay back down in bed. Euphoria did not come. I drank coffee without appetite and my cigarette did not taste good. I went down to the ward and started speaking to Somlyo, the paralysed ex-husband of Elza Szamosi. His disjointed chatter was sympathetic. He told me pleasant and frivolous anecdotes about his sexual life. The story of his last coitus was harrowing. He arrived home from a night of revelry at the Feszek
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and started to bang his wife, then digustedly pulled out his penis. He already knew his wife was unfaithful.
I wanted to take the opportunity to go and have a look at the big […] that an antique dealer was selling. The doorman rang, however, and signalled that our master required our presence for his first lecture. There was no alternative. We had to listen to the whole lecture, which lasted two hours and was completely devoid of interest and colour. There wasn’t a single interesting point, clever pedagogical approach, well-articulated phrase, pause, or talented gesture anywhere. Long sentences, sentences left unfinished and started again, etc. I had a feeling of great fatigue. Then the doorman announced Sassy, my friend the painter, was waiting for me. He had brought a carpet expert with him, as I had requested the day before. They looked over the carpets at my place and made an appraisal; conversing with them was so tiresome I had difficulty being polite.
I was called to the telephone. Harmos
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was on the line and asked for a rendezvous. I gave her one: Kalvin ter at 2.15. I thought she could accompany me to Olga’s and we could talk on the way. I had lunch. The meal felt good, but I made a mistake in not pausing between each course. The cigarette afterwards again provided no enjoyment. Bozsi interrupted me in it as well. The girl came up to see me ebullient in colour and mood. The effect of Monday’s IP no. 5 was visible. She said herself that she was much the better for it, and asked for another injection. I gave her the same dose; her temperature of 37.5 C led me to opt for caution. She asked for my portrait. I gave it to her. We went to Kalvin ter together, and I accompanied her a bit further into Kecskemeti utca. Returning to Kalvin ter, I didn’t see Harmos anywhere, so I went into the Bathory Café and bought a box of Luxors. I was saddened by the pretty German hostess, who, while quite kind, was not nearly as friendly as I was to her. It even occurred to me that Harmos put Desiré
20
on the phone so she could boast that I had wanted to meet her. Reading the
Est
21
, I took a coach and, with considerable appetite for P, I hurried up to Olga’s flat. I
19. Ilona Harmos, wife of Dezso Kosztolanyi.
20. Csath’s nickname for Dezso Kosztolanyi.
21. The Evening (newspaper)
found her little brother home and the windows open wide. I was disconsolate.
We chatted. Olga’s beauty, purity, and shapeliness aroused me, and not being able to satisfy my passion, I had to pace up and down in the room to calm down. I injected .045 P, but euphoria again did not come. She made a snack. In the meanwhile I gave her a lesson in ethics on account of a lie [she had told], making her sulky and angry with me.
Even so, I found her sweet and adorable. After the light meal I left quickly, prompted by the little brother’s lack of resolve to do the same. I wanted to visit Moravcsik. He wasn’t home. I went over to Jozsi Szabo’s, who was included in the agenda because he lived nearby. He wasn’t home either. In the chilly, beautiful evening, I started walking downtown with the intention of doing some shopping. First, however, I made my way to the Harmonia to pay for my piano. The new upright had been shipped two days earlier, and the way things stood I was able to pay the entire price easily. Conferring with Kohn, the piano dealer, I was sad to discover that the upright piano Harmonia sold me for 840 crowns actually cost 700. But then I calculated two years’ interest on 700 crowns is actually 140 crowns, and I had been leasing a piano from Harmonia for that long. So I wasn’t making a completely bad deal. Another problem emerged. While I had actually repaid 270 crowns, the manager’s books indicated only […] had been credited to my account. I was irritated by the sweet-talking corpulent fellow, who acted like my friend and admirer and meanwhile tried to swindle me as if I were a country landowner. I left, promising to bring in my receipts. Going all the way down
Vaczi utca, the multitude of well-dressed people put me in a bad mood. I saw that there were gentlemen in Budapest better dressed than I, whereas I should have liked to consider myself pre-eminent in that regard. To make matters worse, I ran into Laci, Olga’s little brother. He probably left home shortly after I did – in other words, after the unsuccessful visits to Moravcsik and Szabo it would have been best to go back to Olga’s and make a sacrifice to
Amor
! While I mulled that over, I bought a book, the musical writings of E. T. A. Hoffman, which had caught my attention in the shop window. Then, providing myself with the latest issue of
A Nap
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, I dropped into the Gerbeaud for a little pastry. Unfortunately, the first person I saw was Pal Farkas, that disgusting toady who is living proof that money rules over everything in the world. Against it, even our selfesteem is not sufficient counterweight, for how can we esteem ourselves if we want money and cannot get it? In the Gerbeaud’s water closet, another .012 P consoled me. I slapped on my monocle, but didn’t feel at ease in the smoking room; extravagantly dressed women provoked my envy and anger, as did an impeccably dressed, fat humanities student who looked like a 90-kilogram Daniel Job. I ate my pastries and smoked a Gianadis while reading the ‘Nap’. I did not feel comfortable. Next, I went into a carpet shop on Gizella ter. There I found a blue Halina cloth rug I wanted to use to cover the whole floor of my room. It was so expensive I left the store utterly dejected. Covering the floor would have cost 120-140 crowns. In order to have done a prudent bit of business
nevertheless, I went into the Keleti Café and paid 100 crowns on my tab. That calmed me somewhat. I started homeward.
I trudged along the crowded street, interested in nothing, seething at the wealthy passers-by and ashamed of my poor circumstances – only 1,200 crowns left to my name by then. I reflected on the uncertainty of my earnings for the winter and on whether I would succeed in obtaining three months’ severance pay from
A Vilag
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(if I had to leave). I would have liked to buy pens to salvage the evening, but I was unable to do so. In the vicinity of Kossuth utca, on Muzeum korut
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there was only one stationery store, and its selection of pens was scandalously small. I did not find the desired writing implement. Thus, without a pen, I boarded the tram, not wanting to risk having to gape at the ‘Full’ sign at Ulloi ut. – The tram advanced slowly. The prettier women sitting inside showed no inclination to notice me. I laughted at my vanity, but it is a fact that success of that sort would have helped my difficult situation then. I got off at the clinic. I bought shoe polish, string, and green peppers. At home, the doorman told me a German-speaking woman had called me twice on the telephone. I worried that Mama G. was in Pest and would look me up. ‘See?’ I said to myself, ‘Now you’ll have to reap what you’ve sown.’
In the doctors’ dining hall, a lively and unsympathetic colleague played billiards. Millasin reminded me of Janosi, his essential stupidity made me envious. I ate supper, but had no wine. Gyula had drunk it all and hadn’t sent for
