The Disappearance of Ember Crow (7 page)

She finished off the piece of bread she was eating, and yawned. “I’m tired, Ash.”

“You should sleep.” I shifted to the side so she could lie down. She pressed her head into the pillow, and I stroked her hair as her breathing grew heavy. Most people looked unguarded when they slept, more vulnerable. Georgie’s face didn’t change, because she didn’t have any walls between herself and the world. I was glad she was here, cocooned in her caves with her spider-guardians, where no one would bother her. None of the Tribe could come in to this side of the cave system unless they were accompanied by me, Daniel, Connor or Ember. Georgie had asked me once if she should add more Tribe members to the list of people the spiders allowed into this part of the caves. I’d told her no, for the same reason that very few of the Tribe knew Georgie could see the future. She needed to be protected from the pressure of other people’s expectations, and to have a place where she could be completely herself.

After a while, Connor stuck his head around the opening. “Ashala. I think you should come and see this.”

I hesitated.

“I’ll stay with Georgie,” Daniel said.

He was about the only other person I’d trust to watch over her; I didn’t know what it was between the two of them, but he’d always understood Georgie in a way very few people did. I nodded and followed Connor out, Nicky trotting at my heels.

Connor had moved the solar lamps, setting them in a circle that enclosed the marks on the floor. I stood at his side, staring down at what Georgie had written. Brackets. Numbers. Letters. Weird symbols.
Equations?

I shook my head. “You remember I left school when I was twelve, right? And Ember’s maths lessons never really stuck.”

He snorted. “I
didn’t
leave school when I was twelve and I don’t understand most of this. It’s far too advanced. See this, though.” He pointed. “And again here and here.”

It was the same set of numbers repeated over and over.
87543621
.

When Georgie made her maps, the same object appearing more than once meant it was important. Only I couldn’t understand
how
this was important.

“Have you seen those numbers before?” Connor asked.

“No! And – what are the equations supposed to mean? That there’s a future where Ember’s hanging out with a maths professor?”

“I don’t know. I was hoping you might recognise the numbers.”

“Well, I don’t.” I rubbed at my eyes. They were scratchy and sore.

He glanced at me. “You’re exhausted. You should sleep.”

“I
can’t
sleep. You know that.”

“You could take the herb.”

One of the herbs that grew in the forest put me into a sleep where I didn’t dream and therefore couldn’t Sleepwalk. Unfortunately, I couldn’t use it for sustained periods, because if I did I started hallucinating. Apparently, I needed to dream. It would do no harm to take it for one night, though. Only …

“If I take that herb, you won’t be able to wake me up if Georgie has any more problems.”

“Then at least go sit down. I’ll keep working on this.”

I scowled at the mysterious equations. But if anyone was going to figure out maths, it would be Connor, not me. And I
was
tired, so much so that it was an effort to keep myself upright. The day had been full of shocks and changes, and it had drained my strength. I trudged back into the other cave to find Daniel had taken my place at Georgie’s head. He didn’t even look up as I sat at Georgie’s feet, just kept staring down at her sleeping face. It must have scared him when she freaked out. It had scared me too.

Outside it began to rain. I could see it falling through the holes in the wall, and the scent of it filled the cavern. Nicky padded in to lie at my side, resting his black head on my lap. I patted his ears, leaning back and listening to the steady sound of the rain as it grew stronger and stronger.

I don’t know when I made the terrible mistake of falling asleep.

There were faces staring down at me. Every one made ugly by hate.

Voices screamed, “Monster!”

I tried to say
no
. I couldn’t. They’d broken my voice. They didn’t want to hear me speak.

They didn’t want to hear me scream.

My gaze fixed on one face. A girl. I knew her. And the others, although I couldn’t remember exactly how. But I remembered how I felt. I tried to form the words, so they’d realise I wasn’t a threat.

I love you
.

The girl seemed to understand the shapes my mouth had made. For a moment, I thought she would stop the others. I thought she would tell them that I wasn’t a monster.

Then she snarled, and turned her face away.

That was when I knew. She had never loved me. None of them had.

If I could have spoken, I would have said,
You don’t need to take my life. You have already destroyed me
.

And, suddenly, I knew this wasn’t real. It
couldn’t
be real, because it was impossible that I was unloved. I had an entire Tribe to care about me. This had to be a dream.

And in my dreams, I could do anything.

I surged to my feet, ready to fight back. But my attackers vanished. I was somewhere else, somewhere dark and safe. A cocoon. Only I didn’t want to be here. I wanted to find the people who had been hurting me.
Where did they go?
Then I remembered. There was a faraway place where enemies of mine were gathering. My attackers would be there, I was sure of it.

To get to them I had to break out of the cocoon.

I channelled strength into my hand, then drew back my fist to punch my way out. Only I couldn’t move. An invisible force was holding my body still. Someone was trying to stop me.

A strange, winged being was standing to my left. An enemy. He had to be; no one else would get in my way. Except his power was no match for mine. I threw off the pressure that was keeping me in place, and lunged. He leaped back. And something flung itself between us.

I staggered as two big paws thumped against my middle. A dog? The hound barked. “Woof. Woof. WOOF!”

On that third bark, it all changed.

I wasn’t in a cocoon any more. I was in a cave. Connor was standing in front of me, his back against the wall. And Nicky was trying to jump up and lick my face.

Reaction set in, and I started to tremble. I pushed Nicky away gently, and bent over, resting my hands on my knees as I waited for the aftermath of Sleepwalking to pass. The shakiness and nausea would subside soon; feeling horribly emotional would last a little longer. When I could speak, I hissed at Connor, “You let me fall asleep?”

“You were tired. Ashala–”

“
Did I hurt you?
”

“No.”

I didn’t believe him. I knew he’d lie to me about this. And while the details of the nightmare were fading, I remembered wanting to attack a winged being, which had to be Connor. I straightened, looking him over. He seemed to be all right, but there wasn’t enough light in here to be certain.

I staggered into the next cavern, knowing he’d follow, and grabbed a solar lamp. Then I held it up, peering at him in the glow.
Still
not bright enough. I scowled. Connor took the lamp away, reaching for my hand. “Come with me.”

He led me along the passages, Nicky bounding ahead of us, until we reached one of the caverns that opened onto the forest. Connor put the lamp on the ground and strode over to stand where the daylight streamed in. “I’m fine. See?”

I circled around him, checking for bruises and studying the way he was holding himself. He really was fine. I heaved a long, shuddering sigh of relief. And yelled, “What were you thinking? I could’ve killed you!”

“You didn’t.”

“You should have woken me up. Or run! Or, or, just got out of the way. Why did you even try to stop me? I was Sleepwalking, nothing would’ve hurt me.”

“No, but I think you were about to smash through a wall. You could have brought the entire cave down.”

Oh. I’d been in danger of destroying something that was part of the forest I’d sworn to protect. Not to mention probably killing Connor and Nicky, if they couldn’t get out in time. And they hadn’t been the only ones in the cave. “Where’s Georgie? And Daniel? I didn’t do anything to them, did I?”

He shook his head. “They went to breakfast before you started Sleepwalking. You’ve been asleep all night, Ashala.”

That was
morning
light coming in from outside. I’d slept for hours. Anything could have happened, and almost had. Pictures of rocks tumbling on top of my beloved tuarts, and of Connor and Nicky crushed, spun through my head. Guilt rose up to overwhelm me.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered to the caves, to the trees, to Nicky, to Connor. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry …”

Connor swept me into his arms, and I clung to him and sobbed. Eventually, my tears ran out, but I didn’t let go. I couldn’t. Whatever had remained of my determination to keep him at a distance had been smashed by that awful nightmare, by the memory of being in pain and utterly alone. He stroked my hair, and I pressed closer to him.

Then he ruined it all by saying, “Ashala. You have to deal with why your ability isn’t working.”

I staggered back. I couldn’t face this now, surely he knew that! “I don’t
know
why–”

“Yes, you do.”

“No,” I snapped, glaring at him. “I really don’t.”

He sighed. “Let’s try it this way. Why didn’t you have any bad dreams when you were with the wolves?”

“Who says I didn’t?”

He raised an eyebrow, looking sceptical.

“Okay,” I admitted. “I didn’t. But I didn’t Sleepwalk either. So it doesn’t mean anything.”

“You Sleepwalked. The third night you were with them.”

“I did not!”

“You came out of the den,” he said patiently, “and ran into the sky. You kept getting higher and higher – I was about to pull you to the ground when Pack Leader came out after you. He barked, and you went back to him.”

That was impossible. Except … I did have a vague memory of a dream when I’d been chasing after a glowing ball hanging high above me. The moon? I’d really wanted that ball, only before I could reach it, my big brother had called me inside to bed.
Pack Leader
. It hadn’t registered before that I’d been Sleepwalking; the whole experience had merged into my time as a wolf. But Connor had known.

“What were you doing there?” I asked.

He looked exasperated. “What do you
think
I was doing there?”

I stared down at my feet, and mumbled, “Making sure I was all right.”

“Yes. But I realised the wolves understood how to take care of you. And you returned to Pack Leader when he called – you could tell a friend from an enemy, so you weren’t having a nightmare.” He drew in a breath, and said, “Ashala. Why no bad dreams when you were with the pack?”

“I don’t know!”

But the knowledge was there. I could feel it, lurking beneath the surface of my consciousness. A truth that I didn’t want to face. Nicky came over to sit beside me, leaning against my leg, and I reached down to pat him. It dawned on me that I’d seen him as himself, in the nightmare, which was weird, because normally everything changed into something else when I Sleepwalked. I had no idea why he’d remained the same but I was glad he had. Otherwise I wouldn’t have known he was a friend, not in a nightmare where everything became twisted and askew. And Nicky had helped me. Like Pack Leader had helped me. Like Connor was trying to help me.

It really was about time I started helping myself.

“I guess I didn’t have bad dreams because I wasn’t responsible for anything, when I was with the wolves. I wasn’t in charge.”

“And that made you feel better. Because you don’t want to be the leader any more?”

“No. Because … because I’m not fit to be the leader.”

Connor nodded, as if that wasn’t a surprise. “You can’t let go of it. Evan’s death.”

“I
killed
him. I was Sleepwalking and I killed him and – no, I can’t let go of it.”

“He would have killed you. He did kill me.” His lips twitched. “For a while.”

I eyed him sourly. I didn’t find anything remotely amusing about him dying. If I closed my eyes, I could still see the shot from the streaker blazing up into the night sky. Connor had died, and I’d been left alone with Evan. He’d had the streaker pointed right at my head. I’d been at his mercy.

Except then I’d Sleepwalked, which should have been impossible, since I wasn’t sleeping. But when I got very upset I could go into what Ember called a “dissociative state”, which was enough like being asleep while awake for my ability to activate. It had only ever happened twice – after I’d lost Connor, and before that, when my little sister had died – and both times I’d been half crazy with grief and rage. “It’s not so much that I killed him,” I said softly. “It’s that I could probably have found another way to stop him, if I’d tried. I never tried. It didn’t even occur to me to try. Because I hated him, and I
wanted
him to suffer, for what he’d done to you.”

“And your ability has been malfunctioning ever since. You were angry and you struck out in anger, and I don’t think you were wrong, by the way. Now you’re so scared of doing it again that your ability’s going haywire.”

I worked my way through that. “Are you saying that I’m losing control, because I’m afraid of losing control?”

“That’s the way fear works, Ashala. The more you try to run away from it, the more you create what you’re afraid of. You need to learn to trust yourself with what you can do.”

Trust myself. As if it was that easy after Evan. The nightmare came back to me, the sound of voices screeching “monster”. I had something monstrous in me. The people I loved inexplicably didn’t see it. I did.

“How can I trust myself when I’m a killer?” I whispered.

He threw back his head and laughed.

“This isn’t funny, Connor!”

“I’m sorry,” he replied, sounding completely unapologetic. “But you’re not a killer, Ashala. And if anyone should know that, it’s me. I was raised to be one.”

I frowned, troubled that he’d still think of himself that way. Connor’s dad had tried to shape his son into a weapon aimed at the man responsible for Connor’s mother’s death – Terence Talbot, then the Prime of Gull City. Talbot had been an Assessor before he was Prime, and he’d botched an Assessment, scaring a Rumbler into starting a quake that had destroyed a large part of Connor’s home town. I knew that Connor probably
would
have killed Talbot if he hadn’t died of a stroke; he’d wanted revenge for this mother, and I understood that, all too well. But I also knew that Connor had never truly been a killer, in his heart. And he was nothing like his cruel, violent father.