The Disappearance of Haruhi Suzumiya

It was a frigid morning, so cold that if you poked at the earth with an ice pick, it would probably crack neatly in half. Hell, I felt like doing the cracking myself.

Still, the cold weather was to be expected, since it was winter right now. It’d been rather warm during the cultural festival the previous month, but the second we hit December there was a radical drop in temperature, as if Mother Nature had just remembered what season it was, though as a result I was feeling like autumn hadn’t come to Japan this year. That stupid Siberian air mass could try taking a different route every once in a while. You don’t have to come our way every single year.

I walked along as I worried about whether the Earth’s revolution had gone out of whack or if Mother Nature was feeling under the weather.

“Yo, Kyon.”

A frivolous-looking fellow caught up to me and gave me a slap on the shoulder that was as light as hydrogen. It would have been too much of a hassle to stop walking, so I just turned to look at him.

“Yo, Taniguchi.”

I replied before turning back to glare at the steep hill stretched out before us. You’d think that our school would cut back on gym class when we have to climb this hill every single day, right? Our homeroom teacher, Okabe, and the other gym teachers should be more concerned about the students, who have to endure the treacherous commute on a daily basis. Especially when they drive to school.

“Why are you grumbling like an old man? Pick up the pace. This is good exercise. Doesn’t it warm up the body? Look at me. I’m not even wearing a sweater. The climb may suck during the summer, but it works out perfectly this time of year.”

His spunk was nice and all, but where did all that energy come from? Pass some on to me.

Taniguchi’s loose lips curled into a grin.

“Finals are over, yeah? Which means there’s nothing more to learn this year. Anyway, isn’t there a wonderful event coming up?”

All students had to suffer through finals equally. However, the scores on the graded answer sheets were anything but equal.

My mood soured as I recalled my mother fretting over whether she would need to get me a tutor. Next year I would be a second-year, and our class assignments would be determined by the colleges we applied to. Liberal arts or sciences? Public or private? What should I choose?

“Just worry about it later,” Taniguchi said with a laugh. “Shouldn’t your mind be on other matters right now? Do you know what today’s date is?”

“December seventeenth,” I said. “What’s so special about it?”

“What’s so special about it? You’ve forgotten about the joyous event coming up in a week?”

“Oh, I got it.” The answer popped into my mind. “The last day of school is coming up. Winter vacation’s certainly an event that’s worth anticipating.”

Taniguchi glared at me like a small animal encountering a bushfire.

“Hell no! Think carefully about what the date will be in one week. You’ll figure it out soon enough.”

“Hmph.”

I snorted and exhaled a cloud of white.

Oh yeah. December twenty-fourth. Christmas Eve.

Yeah, I knew all about the retail-industry conspiracy coming up next week. I would be the next-to-last person to ever forget about holiday events. Because the last person happens to sit right next to me in class. She was pretty disappointed about missing Halloween a month ago, so she definitely has something planned.

Actually, I already know what she’s planned.

This was the exact announcement made by Haruhi Suzumiya in the clubroom yesterday…

“Does anybody here have plans for Christmas Eve?”

Haruhi tossed her book bag aside after shutting the door behind her and glared at us with eyes that shone as brightly as the three stars of Orion’s belt.

You could hear an implicit “None of you could possibly have any plans. You people should understand that by now, right?” in her tone, so an affirmative answer would have brought a blizzard down on us.

At that moment I was playing a tactical role-playing game with Koizumi, Asahina was warming her hands by the electric heater in the maid uniform that had become her usual outfit, and Nagato was reading a new science-fiction hardcover without any hint of movement aside from her fingers and eyes.

Haruhi set a large handbag she had also been carrying down on
the floor before stomping over to puff up her chest and look down on me.

“Kyon, you certainly don’t have any plans, right? I shouldn’t need to ask, but I might feel a little guilty if I didn’t, so I’m asking now.”

She had a smile on her face that reminded me of a Cheshire cat. I handed the dice I was about to throw to Koizumi, who looked at me with a knowing smile, and turned to face Haruhi.

“And what if I do have plans? Why don’t you answer that first?”

“Which means you don’t have any.”

Haruhi determined this arbitrarily as she nodded and turned away from me. Hey, hold it right there, I thought. I didn’t answer her question yet… Oh well. This wasn’t the first time I didn’t have any plans.

“What about you, Koizumi? Going on a date with your girlfriend?”

“If only that were the case.”

Koizumi rolled the dice against his palm as he sighed dramatically. A little over the top there, I thought. You’re obviously faking it.

“For better or worse, my schedule around Christmas is completely open. I was agonizing over how I might spend Christmas by my lonesome.”

His smiling, handsome face was screaming “liar,” as far as I was concerned. However, Haruhi instantly believed him.

“There’s nothing for you to worry about. You happen to be in luck.”

Haruhi proceeded to set a course for the maid girl.

“Mikuru, how about you? Did someone invite you to accompany him late into the night and watch the moment when rain turns to snow? By the way, if you actually run into someone who
can still spew that crap with a straight face, you’re free to whack him good and hard.”

Asahina, staring at Haruhi with her large wide-open eyes, was quivering in response to the abrupt interrogation.

“Well, n-not really. Nothing at the moment… Um, late into the night…? Ah, what about your tea…?”

“Make mine scalding hot. The herb tea from the other day was pretty good.”

Asahina immediately responded to Haruhi’s order.

“Y-yes! Right away.”

Is making tea really that much fun? Asahina’s face was shining as she set the pot on the portable gas stove.

Haruhi nodded with a satisfied look before speaking to the last person in the room, Nagato.

“Yuki.”

Yuki responded curtly without looking up from her book.

“None.”

“Thought so.”

That ended the blunt conversation that reminded me of birds chirping. Haruhi turned back to me with a haughty smile on her face. I stared at Nagato’s pale face as she kept on reading her book as though she had nothing to do with the transpiring events. You know you don’t have to answer her right away. You could at least pretend to try to remember your schedule for a moment or two.

Haruhi raised one hand.

“And there you have it. The SOS Brigade Christmas Party has been unanimously approved. Any objections or protests can be directed to me in writing after the party’s over. I’m willing to give them a look-over.”

In other words, nobody would be allowed to back out on their commitment, or business as usual. Though I have to admit that she’d made progress over the past six months, since she’d actually
asked if anybody had any plans, even if she hadn’t intended to take them into consideration. It’d be even better if she asked for our opinions on top of that.

Haruhi, looking satisfied that everything was going according to her plan, reached into the handbag she had dropped on the floor.

“And so, since it’s the Christmas season and all, we have a lot of preparations to make, right? So with that in mind, I brought some special items. The proper way to start off one of these events is by creating a holiday atmosphere.”

And out came snow spray, gold and silver tinsel, Christmas crackers, a miniature tree, a stuffed reindeer costume, white cotton, Christmas lights, a wreath, a red-and-green curtain, a tapestry depicting the Alps, a windup snowman, fat candles and a candle stand, a huge stocking that a preschooler could have fit inside, Christmas song CDs…

Haruhi smiled like a nice girl passing out candy to the neighborhood kids as she placed the Christmas paraphernalia on the table.

“We’re going to spruce up this dreary room. The beginner’s method of enjoying Christmas actively and positively starts from the appearance. Didn’t you do this when you were a kid?”

When I was a kid? Hell, my sister’s room will be Christmas City soon enough. My mom will probably order me to help out again this year. And I should mention that my sister, an eleven-year-old in the fifth grade, still believes in Santa Claus. She still hasn’t seen through our parents’ clever disguise, the one I saw through early in my life. Knowing my sister’s enthusiasm for the holidays, Haruhi chastised me.

“You should learn from your sister’s pure heart. You have to have faith to be able to dream. Otherwise, you’ll lose what was once within reach. You can’t win the lottery without buying a
ticket. You can dream all you want about someone giving you the winning ticket for a million dollars, but it’s never going to happen!”

Haruhi showed off her ability to yell happily as she pulled out a Santa hat and put it on her head.

“When in Rome, do as the Romans do. You should follow the customs of the place you’re in. Christmas has its own set of rules. You won’t find many people who would feel upset about having their birthday celebrated. I’m sure that Mr. Christ would be happy to see us having fun!”

I wasn’t foolish enough to mention the theories about how we couldn’t be sure what year Christ was born, let alone the day. Besides, if I were to tell Haruhi that there were different theoretical dates for the birth of Christ, Haruhi’s response would be “Then they can all be Christmas,” and she’d force the world to haul out the tree multiple times every year. It’s a little late to start arguing about when the AD era began. The solar calendar and the ancient Babylonian calendar were arbitrarily created to suit human needs. The celestial bodies revolving silently around the vast universe certainly won’t show any sign of caring before they expire. Yeah, the universe sure has it easy.