The Do Over (48 page)

Rick became my book boyfriend in the flesh. He was the asshole who reinvented himself for the girl. He was funny, attentive, edgy, and sexy as hell. Like all my other book boyfriends, I could turn off my Kindle and go on with my life, unaffected. The only problem was that things had started changing, and I didn't even realize it until it was too late.

During those stolen moments with him, I was transported to another time. I felt as though the clock had been turned back. The only difference was that Rick had evolved into the man I had dreamed he could be instead of the one he had been. Going back there was dangerous. I was crazy to think I could play that game with him. My sanity had saved me from making a terrible mistake the other night, but the guilt was now eating me alive.

Why would I do something so ridiculous?
The first warning sign should have been that I didn't tell my friends about him, and I still hadn't. I didn't want them to talk me out of seeing him or to criticize me for it.
But why would they have to if it were healthy and sane?
I had to stop this craziness.

I didn't want to keep making the same idiotic mistakes I'd always made all my life. Those mistakes had landed me in dysfunctional relationships with men who had bailed on me without cause or warning. This time, I'd certainly done things differently. I'd given Liam cause to kick my ass to the curb. He'd told me to be honest no matter what. He just wanted the truth. Although Rick and I had never done anything inappropriate, we had come close to it. I knew that I would hate it if Liam had done anything remotely like this. I was such a hypocrite.

I wanted so desperately to be the woman he deserved. I'd never felt this way before, and it scared me. I knew what I had with him. He was solid and trustworthy. He was my rock.

Staring at the door, I was losing the guts to do the right thing, but then I searched for the courage he'd given me with his love. I buried my hands deep into my pockets, trying to keep warm, as I sniffled and shivered from standing outside in the cold air.

Inside was my warmth and comfort. Liam had given me the love and acceptance that I'd always read about. He wasn't a book boyfriend. He was the real thing. I knew that I couldn't embrace the warmth until I learned to let go of the cold. I took a deep breath, and with my shaking hands, I knocked.

Liam opened the door with enthusiasm. He stood there, wearing a T-shirt and jeans that fit him just perfectly, as he held the door with a welcoming smile.

"Hey, baby. Did you forget your key? Come here. You look like you're freezing," he said, pulling me into a warm embrace. "Let me warm you up."

I buried my head into his chest and held on to him tightly. I didn't want to let go. I didn't want this moment to end. I wanted to remember it, so I could feel it always. I didn't know if I would feel his arms around me again.
Will he understand?
I was scared.

Tears pooled in my eyes as he kissed the top of my head, unknowing of what was to come. He cupped my face in his hands. I closed my eyes as he gently kissed me. When my lips parted, our kiss deepened, and my heart broke.

He caressed my back. "Rough day?"

I didn't answer.

Feeling me stiffen, he pulled back. "Baby, what's wrong?"

He looked at me with concern in his eyes as he wiped away the tear that was rolling down my face. He leaned in and kissed me softly.

"It's okay. Whatever it is, it's okay," he reassured.

The tears spilled. Another piece of my heart broke as I embraced the fact that he was my best friend and amazing lover.

"You're scaring me. What's wrong? Talk to me."

He was being so gentle with me. This felt eerily similar to our first fight. The difference was that I knew this evening wasn't going to end with orgasms and him loving me. He walked me over to the couch and turned off the TV. I had no idea what he'd been watching. It was probably some game. He covered me with a blanket and then went to get me a cup of hot tea. I couldn't let him continue with doing all of this for me. I didn't deserve any of it.

The room was warm and inviting, and the lights were dim. I loved this room. I'd always felt at home here with him. I could be selfish. I could think about what I wanted. I wanted this. I wanted what we had. I wanted
him
, all of him. That was never the issue. I just didn't know if he could have all of me until I let go of the past. I couldn't think about myself right now. I had to do what was right for Liam.

He came back with a cup of hot tea. Without a word, he sat down next to me on the couch. He was being so patient with me.

I took the tea from his hands. "Thank you." Those were the first words that I'd uttered since I'd arrived. I sipped the tea and then put the cup down. The tears had stopped, but it was only a matter of time before they would start again. I needed to be brave. I had to do this. I had to do this for him.

The look of worry on his face was heartbreaking. "Baby, tell me what's going on," he said softly. He tucked my hair behind my ears, caressing my face gently, as his brow wrinkled with concern.

I took a deep breath and pulled away. My heart pounded as the adrenaline surged.

He grimaced. "Talk to me."

He sensed something was seriously wrong. Of course he did. He was very perceptive and insightful.

The atmosphere in the room became tense.

As I removed the blanket, I turned to him and looked at those beautiful blue eyes that had always made me smile. Tonight, they made me tear up.

"Talk to me," he said firmly.

I took his hands in mine. "I love you, Liam," I said softly, looking into his eyes.

"Baby, I love you, too," he said. His thumbs were drawing circles on the back of my hands. "You're scaring me. What's going on?"

Looking away, I breathed in deeply as the tears started flowing. When a sob escaped from me, he pulled me into his chest and held me.

"Help me out here," he insisted. "We can't do anything about whatever's upsetting you unless I know what's going on." He kissed my head and held me tighter. "I love you. You know I love you, right?" he asked softly into my ear. "I'm not going anywhere."

I couldn't hear him say these things.

"Baby, are you worried something's going to happen to me or us?" he asked gently. Trying to reassure me, he added, "You have me. You have my heart. I'm yours."

I closed my eyes as tears streamed down my face, and the rest of my heart broke into a million pieces. I couldn't take it anymore. He would hate me in a matter of moments. I had become the protagonist that I hated—the one who broke the heart of a wonderful man because she was an idiot. I couldn't believe I had done this to him.

I needed to give him exactly what he was giving me. Pulling back from his warm embrace, I looked into his eyes and steadied my breathing. In a controlled voice, I said, "I am so sorry." I paused, taking a deep breath. "I just can't give you what you deserve right now."

The look in his eyes shifted, but he remained calm. He caressed my face and softly spoke to me. "What are you talking about?"

I took another deep breath. I needed to do this before I lost the courage. I stood up, putting some distance between us. I couldn't be so close to him. I couldn't even look at him. I was a horrible person.

"I, um…" I stuttered.

He knit his eyebrows together.

I had to just do this and get it over with in a Band-Aid fashion. "I need to say this. Please just let me say what I have to say."

"Okay," he said, nodding. He shifted on the couch and sat hunched over with his elbows on his knees, looking at me.

"I do love you. I really do," I said, my voice hitched. I took another breath. "It's not about that at all. You are a wonderful man. You are—"

He stopped me. "Just get to the point, Daniela," he said sternly.

He never called me Daniela. The way he said my name with the glare in his eyes strangled my heart.

"You know about my ex and how our breakup crushed me?"

He sat back and rolled his eyes as he ran his hands through his hair.

I paused a moment before continuing. "He's been coming around," I confessed.

Liam stood up and started pacing as he shook his head. "Go on," he said flatly.

"I told you about the first time I ran into him on Lincoln Road. What I haven't told you is that we kept running into each other…every Saturday. I just need to figure things out, and I don't want to hurt you," I said, pleading.

He turned around and looked me square in the face. His eyes were glassy, and his expression was tense. "Hurt me?" he asked. "Are you in love with him?"

I shook my head, but then I said, "I don't know. I don't think so." I cried. I was so confused.

He continued pacing as I told him everything.

"I promise you…I swear to you on everything that matters to me that I didn't do anything with him. I swear. You have to believe me. I would never do that to you. I know I fucked up. I thought we could just be friends or be friendly," I said with desperation in my voice.

He stood, leaning on the dining room table, with his head hung low.

"Please, Liam, I beg you. You have to understand. When he and I broke up, something inside of me died. I don't know how to explain it. I just wanted that time in my life to not have been so horrible, and I thought I could replace those bad memories with good ones. I don't know. I wasn't thinking. It was like when I was with him, we were back then and not now. It was crazy and wrong. I know it was wrong, very wrong. I didn't mean for any of this to happen. I wish I could go back and do everything differently. I'm trying to be honest with you. You said you could work with honesty."

"You have got to be fucking kidding me, Daniela," Liam growled. His eyes were filled with anger and hurt. "This is honesty? You've been keeping this from me for months. A lie by omission is still a lie. I put you first above everyone and everything. I've done everything in my power to make you happy. I have bent over backward to reassure you. I've even shared your affections with fictional characters. Fuck, I've loved you with everything I have in me."

"If I would've known that this would happen, I would have never, ever let my guard down. I didn't know this was going to happen. I wish I could do it over again. I wish I could have handled it differently," I said with worry in my voice. "Please…you have to know that I never meant for any of this to happen. I'm trying to do the right thing now."

"What is it exactly that you want me to do with this 'right thing' you're doing now? Because what I'm hearing is that you don't know what you feel or what you want with me. Are you telling me that 'it's just not happening for you'? You definitely surprised me. I was totally blindsided. Oh, wait…no, that's what your ex did to you. I can tell you right now that I know exactly how you felt when you were blindsided, and you're leaving me for the asshole that broke your heart."

His words cut me like a knife. "I never said that," I whispered. "I just need some time to figure things out."

He started pacing again. I could tell he needed to let out some steam. His arms were resting on the top of his head. I couldn't stand to look at his eyes, so I looked away.
How could I do this to him?
When I turned back, his back was shaking as he cried softly. When I placed my hand on him, he rejected my touch.

"Just leave," he said, brokenhearted.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I love—"

He turned around and looked deep into my tear-filled eyes. His eyes were pained and anguished. He said, "Don't even say it. Get out." Then, he walked away and slammed the door to his room.

I went to my key ring and unfastened the key he had given to me and left it on the counter next to his key ring. I walked out of the warmth, closing the front door behind me, into the cold night. I fell to the ground, crying, as I held on to the doorknob.

I slammed the bedroom door after I told her to leave my apartment—
our
home. I couldn't believe what had just happened. I still didn't understand any of it. I just needed to get away from her. I needed to think.

Why on earth is she doing this?
I ran my hands through my hair, trying to calm myself down. As I looked around, I saw a couple of pictures of us by the bed. Her brush along with some of her girlie things mocked me. They had to quickly go.

When I heard the front door close, I knew she was gone. I was so angry and frustrated. I pushed everything that was on top of the dresser to the floor. I needed to get my composure and regain control of myself. I needed an action plan.

I fell in love with her. I picked up the Kindle that she had kept by the bed. As I held it in my hands, the memories that we shared flooded over me. I felt like I was drowning in them. My heart had been ripped from my chest. The aching pain was excruciating. Since that first night with her, I knew that I would never let her go. I just didn't know how to hold on anymore. The injury was too fresh. I needed to recover and regroup, and I couldn't do that with the constant memories that came from seeing her things all around me.

Methodically, I began to pack her belongings into an empty box. I opened the drawers, went through the closet, and emptied out the bathroom. I walked out to the living room, and then I stared at the box before I sealed it closed. Everything was moving in slow motion. As I looked around the room, it seemed eerily empty as though the joy had been sucked out of it. I picked up the blanket that had kept her warm. As I held it close to me, a deep ache pierced my heart.