The Ex (25 page)
“Wait, what was your ridiculous nickname?” I asked. Neil had been his mother’s little bird. There was also a hedgehog, and a cabbage, though it was hard to keep straight who was who.
“Pudding,” Emma responded with a roll of her eyes.
“Because she was such a fat baby,” Valerie explained.
I looked down at gross little troll-faced Olivia. Her mouth worked in a frown—there was so much of her mother in her, already—before she yawned and wriggled in her swaddling blanket. She was so small I was afraid I was holding onto too much blanket and not enough baby.
I gave a little “aw” and stroked her cheek with one finger. For someone having what I hoped would be the worst acne outbreak of her life, her skin was remarkably soft. “Well, if we’re going by weight, I’d say she’d have to be Pot Roast. Because they weigh about the same.”
“Pot Roast it is,” Michael exclaimed with a laugh that was silenced by his wife’s death glare.
Okay, so maybe I wouldn’t call Olivia Pot Roast in front of her parents.
* * * *
“You should stay in the city today,” I suggested as we pulled away from the hospital. “We can come back on my lunch break.”
Neil glanced over at me, and the perma-smile that had been etched in his face all evening grew even wider. “I thought you didn’t like babies.”
“I don’t like babies,” I insisted. “I like Emma’s baby. She’s so sweet, and she smells amazing—”
“Sophie,” Neil cut me off, his brows drawing together. “You wouldn’t… This isn’t making you want a baby, is it?
“Ugh, no! Especially not after I just sat with a laboring woman all night.” I shook my head. “Look, I love Olivia already. But I also love that we’re going to go home and sleep in our silent apartment. Because what Emma and Michael are about to go through? No, thank you.”
“Oh, thank god,” Neil said with a relieved laugh. “I had this nightmare idea that you’d want a baby, and we’d have to use Rudy’s sperm. Which he has offered to do, I’m not just being presumptuous.”
“Wouldn’t that child be the perfect monster? So much snark and fashion sense. She could run New York.” I closed my eyes and tipped my head back with a smile. “No. If we were doing that, we’d pick someone we didn’t know. It would be too weird otherwise.”
“But it wouldn’t matter, because…” Neil prompted me.
“It wouldn’t matter because it’ll never happen. I like to sleep too much.”
“It’s all for the best, anyway. I think I’ll like being a grandfather even more than I liked being a father.” He interrupted himself with a loud yawn. “When you’re a grandfather, you get to indulge all those tyrannical toddler whims and send them home with sugar sludge running through their veins.”
“Wow.” I reached over and squeezed his knee. “You’re a grandfather now.”
He glanced over at me as we pulled up to a red light. “I suppose I am. Do I look grandfatherly? Should I start hitching my trousers up now?”
Ah, there was that mid-life crisis once again rearing its ridiculous head. I shook my head slowly and tasted my bottom lip with the tip of my tongue. “No. You look really sexy.”
I didn’t tell him that he looked so good to me because of how much he cared about his—no,
our
—family. And the flirting was just a tease. We were both way too tired to do anything tonight. But, when he turned away, I caught a flash of his smug half-smile.
“Come on,
Grandma
,” he teased. “Let’s go home.”
Damn. I’d kind of forgotten about that whole “grandma” thing.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Having
learned our lesson about wedding week hangovers after Holli and I spent our wild girls’ weekend in Vegas prior to her big day, she, Deja, and I planned my bachelorette weekend for two weeks ahead of the wedding.
I’d left Neil at the apartment with a long goodbye kiss and a promise that he wouldn’t have to fly a lawyer in to bail us out. He wouldn’t miss us much; he’d visited Olivia at the hospital almost daily, and when she came home, he’d be making a real nuisance of himself around Emma and Michael.
My car met the limo I’d sent for Holli and Deja on the tarmac at JFK. As soon as the wheels stopped turning, Holli was out of the car and racing toward me as Tony opened my door.
“Are you ready for some illicit substances in the desert?” she squealed.
I waved my hands. “No! No shouting about illicit substances at an airport, for Christ’s sake.”
The last thing I wanted to do was call Neil and tell him, “Surprise, your jet was ripped apart on the runway by the feds, and now, we have to buy commercial tickets for our honeymoon.”
“Whatever, whatever.” She hugged me hard, jumping up and down. “The four of us are going to have such a great time this weekend!”
Mental record scratch. “Um, four?”
“I have kind of a…surprise?” The way Holli’s voice went up at the end did not inspire confidence.
A person who was not Deja got out of the car. An adorable blonde head atop a short, curvy body hopped up and threw her arms out. “Sophie!”
“Penny!” My exclamation was more shock than pleasant surprise. “What a nice…um, what…”
She took over before I had a chance to finish. “Holli invited me. I hope you don’t mind. I told her about what happened with Brad.” Her full lower lip wobbled. “Brad… He…”
“Oh, honey, no,” Holli said dramatically, flinging her arms around Penny’s shoulders. “Come on, sweetie, let’s get on Sophie’s jet and drink all her expensive champagne.”
Deja had gotten out of the car, and she shook her head as she came to my side. “Prepare yourself. I think eighty percent of Penny’s body is in tears.”
“So, she and Brad are no more?” I got a sympathy twinge in my chest. It sucked to get dumped. “Do you know what happened?”
Deja shook her head. “I did
not
pry for the details. That seems to cause rivers of snot, and I
so
don’t want to deal with that. But Holli felt sorry for her, and now, she’s here.”
“Look, I like Penny as much as everyone, but isn’t she a little…wholesome for Vegas?” I’d been joyously anticipating some one-on-two time with my favorite couple on the planet. Besides, Penny worked for me. I’d never been off-the-clock friends with one of my bosses.
Okay, I
had
. But that was different.
“I think it’ll be fine,” Deja assured me. “Think of all the ways we can corrupt her.”
We joined Holli and Penny on the plane, and each of us sank into the stuffed leather seats on either side of the narrow aisle.
“Oh my gosh, these are like recliners,” Penny said, already buckling her seatbelt. “Why don’t they have these on every plane?”
“Because you’d only be able to get twelve people on every flight.” I gestured to the rear of the plane. “You don’t have to get strapped in yet. Let me show you around.”
It was kind of fun showing Penny the jet. She was as wide-eyed and impressed as I had been the first time Neil had flown me anywhere. Being rich was a lot of fun, but sharing your nice stuff was probably the best part. There was no sense having wealth if you couldn’t use it to show your friends a good time.
“This,” I said, patting one of the seats on either side of a small table, “converts into a bed for overnight flights.”
“And for joining the Mile High club,” Holli snorted.
I wasn’t sure how comfortable I was making jokes about my sex life in front of an employee, even if she wasn’t coming along in that capacity. “Or for sleep,” I reiterated sternly.
Gosh, it was going to be fun, fun, fun trying to not spill details of my sex life while out on my bachelorette weekend.
I showed Penny the bathroom, which immediately made all of us need to go. While Penny was taking her turn, I gestured violently to Holli to follow me to the front of the plane.
“What the hell, dude?” I whispered, flinging my arms out.
“I know, I know, I’m sorry.” She sighed heavily, her brows drawn together above sympathetic eyes. “But, when I went to pick Deja up yesterday, there was Penny, crying. I just felt so bad for her. The ex-boyfriend sounds like a dick and a half, but she’s destroyed. She needs some fun, Sophie.”
“How am I supposed to have fun? It’s not like I can go crazy in front of an employee. I’ve got to maintain some sense of professionalism.” I realized how selfish I sounded, but this was my last hurrah as a single girl. Sure, I wasn’t going to do anything I wouldn’t do when I was married, anyway, but that wasn’t the point of a bachelorette party. The point was to go wild and celebrate moving from one phase of life into a new one. Penny hadn’t been a part of the life I was bidding an official goodbye to, so she felt out of place to me.
Holli looked appropriately chastened. “You’re right. Professionalism. It’s not like you’re getting married to someone who used to be your boss or anything.”
Okay, that’s fair.
I stamped my foot. “You know damn well I can’t establish appropriate boundaries with people. It’s not like I can kick her off the plane now. I just wish you would have consulted me before you invited her.”
“You would have said yes, anyway,” Holli pointed out. That was the bad thing about best friends. They know you too well. “But it’s going to be fine. We’re going to have such an epic time, you won’t even notice.”
“Epic, huh?” I grinned at the memory of our last trip. Just me and Holli, running up and down the strip, gambling, drinking, dancing with ridiculous dude bros at clubs that reeked of Axe body spray… Okay, maybe that would be fun to do with someone who was as adorably naive as Penny.
“We’re going to have a great time,” Holli promised. “Seriously, we’re going to have so much fun.”
* * * *
“I
want to die.”
“No, you don’t,” I mumbled, barely able to lift my head from the gray upholstery of the semi-circle sofa. I refused to open my eyes. Holli had booked us the
Real World
suite at the Hard Rock Hotel, instead of the spa villa I had suggested, and the bright colors and outlandish decor was like an assault on my very, very hung-over senses. “I want to die.”
“You can both want to die,” Deja groaned from where she lay on the floor. I was pretty sure she slept there the night before.
“Okay, but I get to go first,” Holli insisted.
“Hey, guys!”
I forced myself to peel one eye open. Penny bopped into the room on a wave of energy and sickly-sweet shampoo scent. She gestured over her shoulder. “I made coffee!”
“How the hell are you conscious?” It wasn’t an observation. I was begging her to tell me, so I could do whatever it was she’d done.
“Yeah,” Holli added. “It’s only like… It’s only…”
“It’s eleven-thirty,” Penny said with a disbelieving scoff. “Come on, I thought you guys were party animals or something.”
Deja struggled to her feet, one arm across her stomach in a desperate half-hug. “Did you not see us partying?”
“Yeah, but I thought you would bounce back better. You’ve all got way more experience than I do.” She giggled.
“Oh, no.” Holli sat up at the other end of the couch and shielded her eyes with her hand. “Guys. She’s
twenty-two
.”
Holli, Deja, and I groaned in unison. Something weird seemed to have happened to Holli and me when we hit twenty-six. It was like someone had flipped the alcohol switch on our brains. I’d sensed it happening the last time we’d been in Vegas, but nothing like this. Deja, thirty-two and wiser, had mocked us when we’d gotten back and warned us that our partying days were nearly at an end.
Why she hadn’t taken her own advice the night before, I didn’t know, but I bet she regretted it.
“Look, you guys are going to be no fun at all tonight if you’re like this,” Penny scolded. “We need to get you guys some orange juice and ibuprofen.”
“We need to get us some B12 shots and massages.” I tilted my head back to look at her. “I don’t want to treat you like an assistant when we’re not at work, but you’re the only person in this room who isn’t suffering from alcohol poisoning.”
Not that she hadn’t tried. To our utter delight, Penny had drunk us under the table the night before. After we’d gotten back from Tao at four in the morning and barely made it to our beds, she’d stayed up, bowling on the mini lane in the suite.
“Yeah, sure thing,” she promised. “You want me to order some room service?”
“Tell them to send everything.” Holli flopped back and buried her face in throw pillows. Then, in a paraphrased imitation of Gary Oldman in
The Professional
, she reiterated loudly, “Everything!”
“Indoor voice!” Deja barked.
Though I’d initially been reluctant about Penny coming along, now, I couldn’t be more thankful that she had. The concierge hooked us up with a doctor who made hotel calls and got us our B12 shots—apparently not an unusual request to fulfill—and a big enough room service breakfast that even Holli was stuffed, and some gorgeous male massage therapists showed up to work our muscles with their big, strong hands. It was a shame they were totally legit.
When evening rolled around, our partying was definitely more subdued than our first night. We ended up in the suite’s hot tub at around one in the morning, drinking champagne and exchanging dirty anecdotes.
“Okay, so I was with this one chick,” Deja said, already dissolving into mortified laughter. “And it’s my very first time using a strap-on. And I am, like, not coordinated at all—”
“No, she is not,” Holli interjected.
“Anyway,” Deja rolled her eyes at her wife. “I get the thing on, and it’s really weird, you know? Just suddenly having this dick to account for. I’m trying to get into position, and I’m jabbing her thighs and accidentally slapping the damn thing everywhere, but I wanted her to think, you know, this chick knows what’s up, so I’m all, ‘Oh, baby, I’m going to make this so good for you, I’m gonna make you come so hard.’ And, then, I go to put it in and I totally missed the V and slipped it right into the A.”
“No!” I shrieked, covering my face.
“Guys do that all the time, though,” Holli reasoned, clearly trying to comfort Deja.
“I don’t know if that’s a pass. We’re women. We’re supposed to know where the V is.” I half-turned, reaching behind me to pour another class of Cristal. Cliché, yeah, but so was a Vegas bachelorette party.
Penny snorted. “See, this is the kind of thing that makes me glad I’ve never had sex.”
The rest of us fell so silent it was like we’d gone from bachelorette party to SAT testing room in an instant.
“What?” Penny asked, lifting one shoulder from the water in a shrug. “I’m a virgin.”
“How?” Holli blurted. “How can you be a virgin?”
“Because I’ve never had sex.” She looked each of us in the eyes in turn, her expression incredulous. “It’s not that weird. I’m only twenty-two.”
“Yeah, you’re twenty-two,” Holli repeated back to her. “I didn’t mean ‘how does the concept of virginity work?’ I’m asking how the hell you’ve survived this long without succumbing to the urging of your loins.” When we all turned our confusion on Holli, she sat up straighter, defensive. “Excuse me, but I’m reading a lot of early eighties historical romance lately, and it’s none of your business.”
I had to get this situation in hand, so as to avoid humiliating Penny with our disbelief. “Maybe Penny’s asexual.”
“What do you mean? She dated Brad,” Holli pointed out.
“You can be asexual and not be aromantic. But, no, I’m not asexual.” Penny didn’t seem uncomfortable or defensive. “I’m just waiting for the right person.”
“You’re saving yourself until marriage…?” Deja suggested for her.
Penny shook her head. “No, I wouldn’t say that. I was raised kind of conservative. And there’s this family legend…”
We all still stared at her.
With a sigh, she went on, “All the women in my family seem to have this thing where the first guy they have sex with is their true love. I’m not sure I’ve met him yet, and I don’t want to mess anything up.”
“Isn’t that a little superstitious?” Holli asked, and I forgot that she didn’t work with Penny every day.
“Yeah, superstitious is kind of my thing,” Penny explained apologetically. “I don’t mind that other people have sex, and I don’t think I should have to wait for a minister to say some words and give me permission. But I won’t do it until I know for sure that he’s the one. For now, guys just have to be content with making out and hand jobs.”
“Well, good for you,” Deja said, raising her half-empty glass in salute. “Wait for a guy who thinks you’re worth waiting for.”