The Fiend Queen (37 page)

Starbride blinked, and her eyes turned back to normal, even with the tears. “You’ll always forgive me, won’t you?”

“I’ll always love you, dearheart, that I can promise. Blame my temper for anything else.”

Starbride choked out a sob, and before Katya could reach for her, she bolted for the door and was gone.

Starbride

Starbride felt like an idiot. “What is happening to me?” she asked as she raced through the halls. “What in Darkstrong’s name came out of my mouth?”

“Are you talking to me or to yourself?” Yanchasa said, keeping pace beside her.

“Both! Neither! I went insane somewhere along the line, and no one told me.”

“It’s hard to be comrades with your lovers, I should know.”

“Katya is more than just a lover. She’s my
true
love.”

“I think monogamy is the death of a species.” Yanchasa shifted to female with an unpleasant look on her face. She wore only her breastplate for armor now. The rest of her was clad in dark trousers and a long, burgundy coat. A silver torque around her neck glittered in the pyramid light.

“But you loved the other members of the council?”

“Oh yes, some more than others.”

“Edette.”

She nodded. “And some of his opinions on affairs of state were infuriating.”

“Katya couldn’t understand how I feel, but maybe I wasn’t putting it right. There’s so much going on that I don’t have words for.”

“Isn’t that always the way? I’ve found deeds speak louder than words.”

But there were some deeds one couldn’t come back from. “I should do something for Dawnmother to apologize for manhandling her.”

Yanchasa sighed. “She is your servant, yes?”

“It’s not like that. You’ve been in my memory, you should know.” But knowing didn’t equal understanding. Starbride thought of the ultimate servant’s apology and knew the right course of action. When she burst into her apartment, Dawnmother started up from a pile of mending.

Starbride staggered forward and fell to her knees at Dawnmother’s feet. “I’m sorry, Dawn!”

Dawnmother patted her awkwardly, and she had a right to be confused. Such apologies normally went the other way around. “Star, it’s—”

“Don’t you dare say it’s all right!” She kept her arms locked around Dawnmother’s knees to hide her rage.

“Star.”

Starbride climbed to her feet and pulled Dawnmother into an embrace. “If you’re not angry, say you were and that you’ve forgiven me.”

Dawnmother’s arms went around her. “My life for you and also the truth.”

Starbride whirled away. “Why does everyone always want to talk and talk? I’m only asking for a few simple words!” She reached for the adsna, calming herself. “I’m sorry I grabbed you, Dawn. I’m sorry I threatened you.”

Dawnmother smoothed her rumpled shirt. “I have forgiven you.”

Starbride exhaled long and loud. “Thank you! At last. Everything is fine now, Dawn. Yanchasa and I have reached an understanding.”

“Good. I’m glad.” But her tone was carefully neutral and not at all Dawnmother.

Starbride sighed. That was probably the best she could hope for. “Katya said she would forgive me later.”

“You’ve seen the princess already?”

“She met me at the stable.” Starbride let the warm feeling flow with the adsna as she sank into a plush chair. “She loves me.”

This time, Dawnmother’s smile seemed genuine. “How could she not?”

Better. Normal. “See, everything’s going to be wonderful, just as I said.” She scratched her palm idly. The pyramid tingled a bit. “What have you been up to while I was away?”

Dawnmother turned back to her, and her eyes went to Starbride’s palm. “You’re bleeding.”

Starbride looked down. She’d picked the skin away from the pyramid in a neat little triangle, as if trying to dig it out. She let flesh magic seal the wound. “Thank you for telling me.” Maybe she should go see Katya now. But everything she said or did came out wrong. Even the adsna wasn’t helping as much as it could.

Maybe this was what Yanchasa had mentioned before, about how she’d feel again one day. She’d thought of it as something to look forward to, but it made her long for the imperious distance the adsna had provided before. She’d acted badly, but at least she hadn’t had to deal with the consequences.

Starbride knew that thought should make her feel horrible. She should have been glad that hurting another could make her feel guilty.
That
was what everyone had been so upset about! She hadn’t minded killing Roland’s mind-warped soldiers, and everyone had thought she should.

The idea only angered her more.

Dawnmother’s touch on her wrist brought her back to herself. “Star, your
hand
.”

She’d dug a trench around the other pyramid this time, smearing blood across the glowing triangle in her palm. She sealed it again. “I’m sorry I upset you, Dawn.” But the adsna was raging through her so that she couldn’t feel the emotion behind the words. “I don’t know what to do.”

Dawnmother’s lips moved so close that her breath tickled Starbride’s ear. “Give the power back, Star. You did not have these problems before.”

Starbride nearly howled with laughter. Did she think Yanchasa wouldn’t hear her if she whispered?

No, another part of her insisted. She had to listen. She hadn’t had problems sorting her emotions like this before. When she’d thought Katya was dead, she’d needed this emotional distance, but Katya was alive. Dawnmother was alive. She could relax, let the power flow back into Yanchasa’s capstone and let all these infuriating emotions rest.

But what if they weren’t the product of Yanchasa’s presence? If she gave the power back, what if the emotions stayed, but the calming adsna went away? What would she do then? Continue to bob from one feeling to the next, always sorry and angry?

And useless. She couldn’t forget that.

Starbride clenched a fist. She wasn’t useless. She’d led the rebellion, and she hadn’t had anyone sharing her head.

But she hadn’t caught Roland alone. What would the kingdom do if another threat like him reared its head?

Starbride’s eyes slipped shut, and tears trickled down her cheeks. She felt Dawnmother’s fingers wiping them away. If she spoke these thoughts, she knew what everyone would say: if trouble came again, they would deal with it. She envisioned the disintegration pyramid that had almost claimed Katya’s life and knew she couldn’t accept that.

Dawnmother hugged her, arms warm around her shoulders. Starbride disentangled from her and stood. “I’m sorry, Dawn.” But for what she didn’t know. She was apologizing a lot lately. “I have to go.”

“Where?”

“Outside. I need to think.”

“I’ll come with you.”

“No.” She smiled to take out the sting, but she couldn’t be sure if Dawnmother accepted it or not. “I’ll be back soon.”

*

She decided to take the secret passages, wanting to avoid the stares, at least until she sorted her feelings out. “Did this ever happen to you?” she whispered to the dark. “As your power grew, did your confusion grow also?”

Yanchasa walked at her side in the darkened passage, so close that they would have knocked into one another had he been real. “I came to it more slowly than you did.”

“And you were living on top of the crystal your whole life.”

“The only issue of the mind I ever had to deal with was the odd case of cowardice from one of my troops.”

Was that what was happening to her? Fear? If she couldn’t master this power, she’d be less than useless. She’d become a liability. She stopped in the passages heading out of the palace and changed direction, heading for Katya’s apartment. If anyone could give her a rousing speech about bravery, it was Katya.

“I used to get lost in these passages all the time,” she said.

“I know the way.”

Starbride winced. But Yanchasa lived in her head, why did it matter if he sometimes riffled her memories? At least he could see what she remembered and not become confused by it. She paused outside the secret door, her Darkstrong-cursed doubts rising again. She let the adsna flow until she felt surer of herself and lifted a hand to knock.

Yanchasa’s spectral touch brushed her shoulder. “Wait, daughter. Listen.”

Starbride pressed her ear to the wall and used flesh to augment her hearing. Several voices. It took a moment to make them out.

“I don’t want to do it this way.” That was Katya, her voice moving as if she was pacing.

“Something happened while we were out there.” Freddie’s low rasp. Starbride’s cheeks burned as he told them of her weakness at the abandoned tavern and then their words in the woods. “She’s changing, but I don’t know if it’s for the better. It’s as if she’s fighting Yanchasa one minute and being it the next.”

“She seems a little better,” Hugo said, her stalwart supporter. “More in control, warmer.”

“But unpredictable,” Freddie said. “I think sometimes the Fiend is speaking through her.”

Oh, that
again
.

“Maybe all she needs is time,” Katya said.

That was what she’d been saying all along!

“Time to go crazier,” Freddie said. “Fantastic. What if we give her time, and the Fiend just takes over? Your brother’s plan might be the only way, Katya. I can do it quick. She’ll barely feel it.”

Starbride’s belly went cold.

“I just don’t think we’re there yet,” Katya said. “I don’t want to hurt her.”

Starbride tried to swallow past the lump in her throat. “Yet?” she mouthed. Yanchasa put a finger to her lips.

A knock sounded on the door, and Starbride heard several of them talking at once, making out the addition of Dawnmother’s voice.

“What happened?” Katya asked.

Dawnmother broke every confidence and told them how Starbride had whined and cried and picked at her pyramid. Shame and anger and the harsh tang of betrayal filled Starbride’s mouth.

“We thought they needed time to adapt to you,” Yanchasa said, shaking her head sadly, “but now I see they never will.”

“Where is she now?” Katya asked.

“Gone into the city to collect her thoughts. I waited until she had time to make it out of the palace before I came. She might return at any time.”

“Make a decision before this goes any further,” Freddie said.

“I don’t want to see Miss Starbride hurt,” Hugo added.

Katya sighed loudly. “We need Redtrue. Doesn’t this plan fall under the fighting evil with evil banner?”

Starbride’s fingers dug furrows in the stones at the sound of Redtrue’s name.

“We are ultimately talking about freeing Starbride from evil’s influence,” Freddie said. “I don’t see how Redtrue could disagree. We’re not using dark magic.”

No, Starbride thought, just Freddie doing something to her that was quick so she could barely feel it. Did he plan to bash her brains in or shove a knife through her ribs?

“I think you’re the only one who can make this decision, Princess,” Hugo said.

“We all care about her,” Katya said.

Starbride tried to give her a scathing look through the wall. Who conspired against someone they cared about?

When Katya spoke, Starbride barely heard, even with her augmented senses. “All right.” Those damnable words again.

Starbride stepped back as if the words shoved her before she leaned in and listened to their plan. They were going to collect a few more of their friends and then ambush her as soon as she returned from the city. Freddie volunteered himself and Brutal to hurt her. Katya simply mumbled assent.

Starbride sneered. Crowe had been right. None of the Umbriels liked to do their own dirty work. Where would Katya be during all this? Standing off to the side, waiting for Redtrue to strip Starbride of her power, and then she’d rush in to pick up the pieces?

Starbride’s feet were moving, though she barely felt them. She wanted to beat her fists against the stone, to make it quake, to shake Farraday to its bones. Trust was all she’d asked for, a little faith. She was making a transition, couldn’t they see that, and all she needed was time.

But no, they wanted Starbride to put the past behind her just like that, to take the grief and terror and anger of the past six months and return to her chirpy, helpful, normal self, the woman who’d been happy to stand in the back and be invisible. And that was if they didn’t manage to kill her by attacking her in the hall. The very idea that they could overpower her proved that they
still
underestimated her.

“It’s an outrage, daughter, truly.”

“I led the rebellion!”

“You were practically abandoned.”

“I brought Reinholt to heel, I invented a way to avoid detection by the corpse Fiends, I helped free the monks, and I helped so many of the citizens.”

“You captured the enemy and stripped him of his power!”

“Exactly!” Acid burned from her mouth to her stomach.

“Where is the gratitude?”

Starbride slapped her own hip so hard the pain traveled down her leg. “Your guess is as good as mine!”

“If it were me, daughter, well…”

“What?”

“I don’t want to compare my past to your present.”

Starbride thought swiftly of the peasants conspiring to bring down the council of five. “You think that if they can’t cleanse me they’ll find some way to imprison me?”

Yanchasa waved around her. “If the Belshrethen had attacked the council when we were together, things would have been different. But you have no one to help you. Everyone has turned against you.”

“Everyone but you. I’m so sorry I tried to push you away.”

Yanchasa smiled softly. “I’ll help you all I can, daughter. You could flee.”

But as she fled, her connection to Yanchasa might grow weaker, and she wouldn’t feel the flow of the adsna as greatly. “No. I need as much power behind me as possible.” And she knew where she could get it. If they wanted to attack her, let them try when she was at full strength. She’d go to the…

Starbride blinked. She was already on the path to the capstone cavern, but she couldn’t remember turning. The snow on her boots flashed in her mind’s eye.

“We have to hurry, daughter,” Yanchasa said.

Starbride shook her head and felt a tingle within her chest. She could put out a call. There were still a couple of children within reach. That was good. She’d need their strength.