The Fire Walker (14 page)

She flinched, wrapping her arms around herself, eyes on the floor.

"Why are you here?" I asked again.

"I want to fix it. I'm sorry."

"You fucking left me," I yelled, slamming my fist against the wall. Thankfully for my credit card, I didn't leave a hole.

"Dee," she sobbed, shrinking back like a frightened animal. Despite the rage I felt in the pit of my stomach, I'd never hurt her. After everything that had happened with Zoe and her psycho ex and common decency... I wasn't like that.

I took in her slight frame, her downcast eyes, her perfect lips and it would be so easy just to give in. I could just take her right now and sate this need, but she'd fucking destroy me. She already had. I was on a one way street to nowhere town, population me. "You shouldn't have come."

"But, I did."

There was this twisted push and pull going on inside me. I'd never expected in a billion years to see her again, especially on my doorstep in the middle of the bloody country. A week ago, I would have done anything to keep her in my life. Now, I couldn't even look her in the eye.

"Zoe said…"

"I don't care what Zoe said," I interrupted.

"I did a shitty thing," she cried. "I did a shitty thing and I'm sorry for it. I came all this way to make amends. To see…"

"Stop." My fingers circled into fists at my sides. I couldn't do it. She couldn't just walk back into my life after walking to of it so dramatically. I was just me. The whole time I'd been truthful about who I was and what I wanted and she walked away. She used me and walked away.

"You need to leave," I said.

"Dee. Please hear me out."

"No."

"Please."

I looked up and saw the pain and desperation in her expression and despite the pull I felt towards her, I just wanted her to leave. "There's nothing you could say to make what you did better, Jessie. If you want closure… If you want to make yourself feel better by saying you're sorry… You won't get any of that from me."

Her lips moved, like she was trying to say something, but couldn't get it out. After a moment, she backed away towards the door, her shoulders sinking. I found myself beginning to feel sorry for her. Sorry that she wasted all her time and money by coming here. She opened the door and left, her eyes never leaving the carpet. When the latch clicked back into place, I strode over and drove the dead bolt home.

I had no idea what Zoe had said to Jessie to get her to come here, but it must have been epic and really, she shouldn't have bothered. I hope she made a phone call and not gone in person, because New York was a long way to go from Huston to tell someone a few home truths.

Zoe just needed to let go of whatever stupid notion she had about trying to save me. I didn't
want
to be saved. How many times did I have to say it? I knew I'd have a few choice words lined up for when I called her and I was already formulating the speech in my head.

Couldn't do anything about it now. I was hardly drunk enough. Grabbing the bottle of scotch, I sank back onto the bed and resumed my downward spiral.

The door closed behind me, the boom echoing out into the mostly empty lot. When the deadbolt slammed home, I squeezed my eyes shut.

He looked rough. The fact that his shirt was crumpled and he hadn't shaved in a while, paired with the tang of scotch made me realize just how hard he'd taken it. I felt like shit for what I'd done to him. I'd walked away from something that could have been epic. Zoe'd said he was taking it hard and it wasn't until that moment that I realized how true that statement was. She'd also said that she thought I had a chance of winning him back.

Maybe Zoe was wrong.

The anger in his eyes, the hurt that was there split me in two. I knew he wouldn't lift a hand to me, but the memories that had flooded back when he'd hit the wall... I couldn't help shrinking away. It was like an automatic response had been ingrained into my very soul. Someone got angry, so they had to hurt me. Dee wouldn't hurt me. Not like that.

My entire body flamed with embarrassment, shame and regret. All of the above and then some. I was a fucking idiot. A scared, clueless, idiot.

With a shaky sigh, I walked back down to the dingy motel office and rented out a room for the night. I never realized how many crappy motels were on the highway out of Denver when I looked at the map on the way over here. This seemed the worst of the bunch, but it'd do for a night.

There was no doubt that I had to formulate a plan. A way to try and fix this thing. No way I was going to give up after one attempt, not after coming all this way. Zoe and Will had altered their trip to convince me to come and if that wasn't an omen, I didn't know what it was. Her belief in Dee was the thing that had given me the courage to try and overcome those past fears. It was time to finally step up and be the better person I'd been trying to become for the past five years.

Pushing into the motel reception, I rang the bell, my mind ticking over different scenarios. Only one kept coming back to the surface of the whirlpool that was my thoughts. The only way Dee was going to even begin to forgive me was if I gave him no other option but to take me on his road trip to hell. If I forced him, then he'd have to face me. He'd have to listen. Spending time together was the only way I could even try to make this thing work.

I'd spend the night and face him in the morning. He'd obviously been drinking and trying to convince a drunk man to stop hating you was near on impossible. Better to wait until he was sober and coherent.

Ringing the bell again, I tapped my fingers on the counter. There was no going back now. New York wouldn't be the same after the way I'd left everything and the only thing that was certain right now was that I wanted Dee in my life. I
needed
him like a flower needed the sun. I'd walk over a pit of fire to win him back.

I'd done some pretty screwed up things in my life. Letting Dee Cosgrove go was the worst one.

Rolling over with a groan, I cursed the bottle of scotch I'd devoured the night before. It seemed like such a good idea at the time, but now I was paying for it. My head throbbed and my mouth tasted like something had died in it. I hadn't had a hangover in a long time and now I remembered why I was usually so careful.

This nagging feeling inside me was saying that something happened last night. More than getting drunk. My head was in that foggy in-between place, half still in sleep and half in my impending hangover. Clawing my way out of the scratchy polyester quilt, I put my feet on the floor and for the first time since she'd ditched me, I got up and started to pull it the hell together.

Getting in the shower was the first step, and then I needed to shave this crap off my face and get in the car and find my way to Nashville. It seemed like the Promised Land and if I managed to get there, then I hoped things would get better. I'd have music to distract me and feed my soul. Music was the only thing I could count on to save me. I had to believe it because I couldn't believe in anything else right now.

As the water pounded into my skin, washing away the stench of alcohol, my mind wandered back to the night before. Had Jessie really been here? She'd turned up at my door and I'd just lost it and kissed her. My tongue against hers, my hands in her hair, her perfect brown eyes. Running my fingers across my lips, I remembered what that felt like. Remembered what it was to be consumed. She was still in there, lodged in my heart, and I wanted her out.

That scotch really did a number on me. Did I get so drunk that I hallucinated her? Fucking hell. How would she even be able to find me? The moment I thought it, Zoe's face flashed in my mind. Fucking Zoe.

Dragging my sorry ass out of the shower, I cleaned myself up, shaving and getting dressed. I had to focus on the task at hand because if I didn't, then I'd be focusing on someone else.

Packing my bag and sliding my sunglasses on, I downed a glass of water before opening the door and walking out into the cool morning. The fresh air hit my face and it was oddly soothing.

What I didn't expect was Jessie sitting on the bonnet of the car and my heart did this stupid flip flop thing. So, not a alcohol related hallucination. I felt a burning sensation at the thought of kissing her last night.

"I don't have a way to get home," she said, her eyes fixed on me.

"Not my problem." I threw my stuff in the boot and slammed the back closed with a bang. Ignoring her, I went down to the office and dropped my key in the box. When I strode back, she was still standing there, her bag at her feet, hands shoved in her pockets. I looked her over and I didn't have it in me to abandon her in the middle of nowhere.

Grimacing, I said, "Get in before I change my mind." I slid into the drivers seat and waited as she scrambled to throw her bag in the back. When she got in the front it was in a cloud of vanilla perfume and I closed my eyes trying to filter it out.

Reversing out of the park and pulling out onto the road, my jaw was tense. All that carefully placed facade and dream of going to Nashville was totally blown to smithereens. It was so blown, it was splattered everywhere.

Thinking about which way I was going now wasn't much of an option. I'd looked at the map the night before, seeing where shit was. To get to New York, I'd have to go through Kansas City, then St Louis. I'd take her that far then figure out the rest later.

After a while of driving in complete silence, Jessie finally spoke up. "Where are we going?"

"I'm taking you home," I replied bluntly.

"What, all the way to Brooklyn?"

"I was going that way anyway. May as well get there a little faster."

"Do you even know how long it will take to drive to New York from here?"

I shrugged. "I've driven to Perth and back."

"Somehow I don't think that's the same."

"It's the same," I glared. "A long boring trip full of nothing." She visibly flinched, but I didn't take my eyes off the road.

"Why don't you just put me on a plane?" she asked, her voice thin.

I didn't have an answer for that. Maybe I wanted to see if she was actually sorry? That she felt bad for what she did... But, maybe I just didn't want to give her the money.

Even if I did have an answer, I didn't bother replying, plugging in my iPod and turning up the stereo instead. If I couldn't hear her, then she wasn't really there. So fucking childish.

She lasted three songs before she pulled out the iPod and stuffed it in the glove box. I scowled, but didn't take my eyes off the road. She wanted a reaction and I didn't want to give it to her.

"When I was a teenager, I was angry all the time." She sighed, running her fingers through her hair. "I acted out, fought with my parents, snuck out at night, got drunk at school. I was a bad egg. I was expelled twice but somehow I managed to graduate. The same night, I packed a bag and disappeared."

So, she'd got it down to a fine art. "If this is the origin story to your ditching superpower, I don't want to hear it."

"I know I've made a lot of bad choices," she continued. "But, I want to make this right. I fucked up."

"Nothing you say will change anything," I hissed and flipped on the radio. What, did she think she could just turn up and tell me a stupid story and everything would be okay? She didn't want me, she wanted to feel better about herself. She wanted closure and fucked if I was giving it to her.

The outskirts of Denver slowly morphed into countryside, the silence between us stretching on. Exactly how I wanted it. My mind focused on the road ahead and the radio, listening to the ads and the news, anything to keep my mind off the body sitting beside me. The body I still wanted to bury myself in, despite all efforts to the contrary.

The moment I was alone, I'd call Zoe and rip shreds off her. There was no doubt her intentions were noble, but it was the wrong thing to do. Now I was stuck in a car with the one person who'd managed to ruin me because my stupid good guy streak wasn't able to leave her stranded in the middle of the country. This was the part of the story where things would get wild and somehow we'd get stuck together in a motel room somewhere and things would explode. Not this story, if I had anything to do with it.