The Forest of Adventures (#1 of The Knight Trilogy) (22 page)

“Hello!” we both spoke at once
causing us both to offer an awkward smile.

Silence filled the room
again.

“So how have you been?” Sam
asked.

A simple, unanswerable
question.

“Yes. I’ve been fine. Well you
know? Worried. Worried about you.”

“The nurses told me that it’s
been over three months,” he said as if still unbelieving of this
fact.

“It seems longer. I’ve missed
you,” I said, once again offering a smile that was part
apology.

I tried repeatedly to meet with
Sam’s eyes but I was afraid that he’d see how I’d changed before I
had a chance to try and explain - to justify.

“Mina, its okay, I know. I knew
even before the accident,” he spoke gently as if he were diffusing
a bomb.

“Please - let’s not do this
now.”

I stood up, unable to bear the
tension any more. The room was so small that there was nowhere to
go and so I was forced to pace up and down like a distressed
animal.

Sam pressed his lips tight
together as if searching for a deeper strength, “Now is the perfect
time. It’s the beginning time. I want us to do this before
everybody else gets involved and starts interfering.”

I drew in a deep breath. I was
exhausted by the rollercoaster of feelings.

“Okay, but you start.” I felt
like I could hardly breathe.

“I want us to talk about this
now and then leave it. I don’t want us to do that horrible thing of
taking each other apart. I haven’t got the strength. I’m too tired.
It hasn’t been like you might think – it’s not like sleeping, it’s
like living but the rules are all screwed. ”

I wondered how I could tell him
that I understood this better than he thought.

“What do you remember?” I asked
fearful of the answer.

“Nothing much - a cold
greyness, a voice, nothing much more.”

“Vivien!” the name escaped from
me in a whisper.

“Is that her name? The woman -
who is she?” Sam asked.

“She’s a friend of mine.”

“A friend?”

I avoided the question, keen to
turn the conversation to one more important.

“Sam, there’s something I need
to ask you about the crash, something that I don’t understand.” I
hesitated unsure of how to go on. “I don’t understand how it could
have been an accident.”

Sam’s response was agitated,
“Mina, are you seriously asking me if I did it on purpose because
you think I tried to kill myself?”

He was angry and it was only
the confines of his wheelchair that stopped him from leaving.

“I’m sorry.” I said collapsing
back down into the chair. “I just don’t understand how it could
have happened - You always take such care, the snow had gone by
that time and the police said that the road had been gritted.”

Sam calmed, registering my
confusion rather than accusation, “The crash
was
an
accident. It maybe might not have been an absolute surprise, but it
was an accident. There was an animal. I’m not sure what kind. A
bird I think. A big, black bird. No. No it wasn’t - I don’t know.”
He stopped shaking his head as if trying to shake a memory awake.
“No, it wasn’t a bird. It was too close to the ground. Oh, I don’t
know Mina. It might even have looked like a person, a person in a
black cloak. Oh my god, it wasn’t, was it? I didn’t hit
somebody?”

“No. No, there was nobody
else,” I said automatically as I careered into my own mental
crash.

Morgan!
The name
continued to scream in my head as Sam continued, “Thank God! You
see I was really angry. I was driving like an idiot.”

My attention pulled back to
Sam. “So it was my fault?” I said.

“No, it was nobody’s fault but
mine. When I saw you walk past the window with Blake, when I saw
that you were skipping lesson to go with him, something took hold.
I don’t know how to explain it. It wasn’t like I didn’t trust you,
or even that I was jealous, I just felt as if a something switched.
In that single moment I had a complete understanding that you were
meant to be with him and that I’d lost you.”

“I am so sorry, Sam. I never
meant it to happen.”

“I know you didn’t. Don’t ask
for forgiveness Mina, there isn’t anything to forgive. When you
came home there was something in your eyes. You’d changed. I can’t
explain it but I knew that you’d already left me. I got in the car
and I was
so
angry. I was driving like a madman. I saw
something in the road and swerved. When I woke, well, when I
thought I had woken, I was in this horrible place. I thought that I
would never get out. I thought that maybe this was what it was to
be dead.”

“I know that you don’t think
that I love you anymore, but I do Sam. I do love you.”

“I know you love me, but let’s
be honest, it’s not the type of love you feel for Blake. As soon as
I saw you both together I could almost see electricity bouncing
between you.”

“But it’s not like that; it’s
not what you think. We never - we haven’t…”

“It wouldn’t matter if you had,
it would have been natural between the two of you. It never has
been for us. If you loved me in that way then it would have
happened by now. It’s not been for want of trying on my part, but
you’ve never felt able to give yourself over to me.”

“I wanted to Sam, I really did.
It just - I don’t know, I just don’t think I was ready.”

“I sound like a right jerk
putting this into words makes it seem if this all mattered more
than it did. I was happy to wait for you to want me in the same way
that I wanted you but now I understand that you were never going to
see me in that way.”

“It’s not that simple. You’re
part of me. I chose you. I chose you over Blake.”

“Mina. You’re kidding yourself,
it’ll always be Blake and I’ll always be the best brother you could
have.”

“Are you coming home to us?” I
asked.

“Soon but not straight away,
things need time to settle.”

“But I need you.” I was aware
of the selfishness as I said it.

“No. No you don’t. Don’t get me
wrong, I’m not abandoning you. I’ve a lot of things that I need to
sort out; my father for one.” Sam pressed the nurses’ bell.

“I understand.”

And I did. I understood that I
no longer had any claim over him.

“Mina, I still love you,” Sam
smiled at me as if punctuating the end of the conversation.

The nurse knocked on the door
before coming in. Sam explained that he was extremely tired and
that our conversation was finished. She unlatched the brake from
his chair before wheeling him out. As the door closed softly behind
them I called out into the empty room.

“I love you too.”

For now it was over and I was
left with nothing left to do but to make my way home. I didn’t need
to think twice about heading towards the sanctuary of Delta’s
Fiesta. She jumped as I banged the door closed causing her to slam
the covers of her book shut. It was Tolstoy’s
Anna Karenina
.
She tossed it over her shoulder onto the backseat. It had been one
of my favourites, but I guessed now I’d never be able to face
reading it again.

As she started the engine,
Johnny flared into voice. It was with bitter irony that he sang
One Love
, the lyrics attaching themselves to my already
heavy burden of grief.

27. TURNING TIDES

As Delta made the long driv
home, I thought bitterly how freedom to be with Blake had been
given with one hand and taken with another. His going on adventure
wasn’t like a week’s holiday. The truth was that I had a matter of
hours with Blake before I possibly lost him for months, if not for
years.

Selfishly, I hoped that Martha
and Josef would be delayed at the airport so that I would escape
the expectation of sitting around the family table, offering love
and comfort. I loved Josef dearly and I hated the thought of him
being in some sort of trauma but it would be my last chance to
spend time with Blake.

I leant my head against the
cool glass of the car and reasoned that I’d call in at home, tell
them the good news about Sam, get the headlines on Josef and offer
preliminary condolences and be over at Meadowlake for early
evening.

“So how did it go?” Delta asked
after quarter an hour of silence.

“Sam’s much better. They’re
talking of discharging him over the weekend.”

“Good. That must be a
relief?”

“Yes, it is,” I nodded.

“So how long had you guys been
together?”

I noted her use of the past
tense.

“Two years but we’re just good
friends now.” The phrase felt alien in my mouth.

“And Blake?”

“It’s complicated. I suppose
you saw the nuclear fallout at the social?”

“I saw Matt being a total dick
if that’s what you mean!” Her support came out surprisingly fierce,
“He made a complete idiot of himself. Everybody thinks so.”

“Blake and I - Blake and his
family have to go overseas for a while. We’ll see when he gets
back,” I said trying to explain things as tidily as I possibly
could.

There was something about Delta
that made me think that our lives were being pulled together but I
wasn’t sure for what purpose. She pushed her sleeves up; a reaction
to the increasing humidity in the car and I noticed the tattoo of a
snake hugging itself around her left wrist, its tail meeting in its
mouth.

“Interesting tatt,” I said
inviting her to expand.

“It’s a reminder to keep things
in balance; to understand that for every negative there’s a
positive. It’s called an Uroboros - like Ying and Yang.”

“Creation and destruction,
night and day … love and loss?”

“Exactly, it’s a reminder that
life will go on. There was a time when I didn’t understand
this.”

She sounded unsettled and I
wondered how many people Delta had ever revealed herself to

“Which State do you come
from?”

“California.”

“Do you miss it?”

“No, not really. The American
Dream isn’t all its cracked up to be.”

Her statement sounded like a
conclusion and I didn’t ask anything else. I knew we had all the
time in the world. I went back to my thoughts of Blake. He had
become the definition of my very existence. All other aspects of my
life had been put aside. The distances that I’d carved between me
and everybody else suddenly hit home as I realised that when Blake
went with Morgan tomorrow, the life that I was going to be left
with was akin to a ruined city with me as its sole inhabitant.

“Thanks for the lift,” I said,
getting out of the car.

“Anytime.”

Mum’s car was already parked up
outside; they were home and any chance of an early escape was now
out of the question. I knew that I’d have to explain to Mum that I
was going to go out with Blake and it would be yet another moment
of disappointment to add to her list.

Josef sat slumped at the dining
room table, his head held in his hands and a large glass of wine at
his side. He was clearly very drunk and it seemed as if a large
dark cloud pinned his body to the chair. Martha was in the kitchen
making fresh coffee.

“What’s happened?” I
whispered.

“Not now, Mina sweetheart. He
shouldn’t overhear us gossiping.” She didn’t even turn round and I
realised that the divide between us had grown into a gaping
wound.

“In that case if we are not
discussing it, is it alright for me to continue my plans and go out
this evening.” My tone came out slightly more sharp than I had
meant, revealing my hurt.

“Yes, fine. Do whatever you
want to do, you usually do.” Her reply was distant and hurtful.

“You should know that the
hospital phoned and I went to visit Sam. He’s made what they’re
calling a miraculous recovery. He should be discharged within the
week.”

My voice came out flat, a mere
imparting of information. It could not have been further away from
how I had once imagined this news to be delivered but the timing
was all wrong.

“Oh my god – That’s wonderful
news.” But rather than jumping for joy she started to cry, “Maybe
now you can give up your wild antics and concentrate on what
matters.”

She delivered the coffee in
front of Josef. The cup knocked the table causing Josef to look up
at her. She touched his arm and at that point he put his head on
his arms and sobbed like a small child. I left them wrapped in
their own sibling world.

Upstairs, I opened my wardrobe
feeling vaguely ridiculous that I was concerned with what I might
wear when the whole world seemed to be disintegrating but something
in me wanted to make sure that the picture of me that Blake left
with would not be me in a baggy jumper and wellies.

I stood staring blankly, a mild
panic building up in me. I wasn’t good at this sort of thing. Daisy
had always picked out my wardrobe and I realised that I missed the
balance that she had always offered to my life. In the end, I chose
the cream chiffon blouse with pearl buttons and a knee-length grey
silk skirt that Josef had sent in one of his rescue packages. I
looked at my self in the mirror. With my hair pinned up and wearing
what Josef would term “
proper”
clothes, I barely recognised
myself. As a last moment thought I picked up my soft grey cashmere
cardigan and squirted myself with Miss Dior perfume.

I scribbled a quick note to Mum
letting her know that I wouldn’t be back until late and that she
shouldn’t wait up. Martha and Josef didn’t seem to notice me
leave.

*

I was surprised to see Blake’s
car on the road outside of my house and even more surprised to see
him in the driver’s seat. I opened the door and flopped myself
in.

“Hello beautiful.” Blake’s
voice lacked his previous confidence.

“How are you?” I winced,
“Sorry; really stupid question.”