The Future of Our Past (The Remembrance Trilogy) (14 page)

His beautiful blue eyes stared down into mine as I felt him seeking and finding my entrance. I tensed, knowing what was coming, but he moved against me sliding back and forth against my clitoris and the sensations began to swell all over again. Wetness surged between my legs and the tip of him slipped inside. He watched my face and moved in a little more. When he felt the barrier of my hymen he stopped dead, starting to pull out, but my hands on his butt held him in place.

“No. Don’t stop Ryan.”

“Julia…are you a virgin?” The expression on his face went from wonder to confusion and trepidation.

“I wanted you to be the first Ryan, okay? I love you so much.” I felt the tears well up. “Please don’t stop.” I surged against him and he sank a little deeper into me, but yet he resisted.

“I don’t want to hurt you, baby. Uhhhh, Julia,” he gasped against my mouth as I moved against him. “I don’t think I
can
stop now even if I wanted to.”

“Then don’t. Please. Just kiss me, Ryan. I’m yours.”

He licked my upper lip and sucked my lower one into his mouth as he pushed in further. I felt the stinging and burning begin, but I wanted him. I was throbbing with need that went beyond any pain, and the love I felt for this man consumed my very soul.

His mouth parted my lips in a hard kiss, his tongue laving mine as his body surged fully into mine. Pain shot through me and he stopped at my gasp, holding perfectly still inside me and waiting for my body to adjust to his. He kissed me without moving and then raised his head.

“Are you okay, honey?”

I waited for the burning to subside a little before I answered.

“I’m perfect, Ryan. Move in me, baby. I need to feel all of you.”

“I love you, Julia.” He began to thrust into me slowly at first until my hips began to echo his rhythm. His kisses and movements were so tender it brought tears to my eyes. He rocked against me and my body reacted to the pressure, the building beginning and the pain completely subsiding. Emotion flooded through me even as my body began to tremble and come around his.

Kiss after kiss, he was so passionate and giving. I felt him pour all of his love into me and finally he tensed and shuddered as he came. “Julia…” he groaned and kissed my neck as he spilled into me.

“Oh, Ryan. I love you.” I tightened my arms and legs around him and turned to kiss the side of his face and then his shoulder. “I love you more than anything.”

When he finally raised his head and looked down into my face, his eyes were glassy and his cheeks were wet. “Julia.” His fingers moved the damp hair back off of my face, his body still embedded in mine. “Oh babe, why didn’t you tell me?”

“I thought you might not want to be the first,” I said softly as the tears fell from the corners of my eyes. Ryan’s thumbs wiped them away.

“Nothing could make me not want you. It was a gift, Julia. My heart is so full of you right now that it physically hurts. It was beautiful. I can’t tell you what it means to me…to know that no one else has…” His eyes closed and his words dropped off before resting his forehead against mine. “My God.” His mouth brushed soft kisses on my eyelids and cheeks before settling once again for a slow passionate kiss on my mouth.

Ryan raised himself up and out of me gently, trying to be careful. “Does it still hurt, babe? Are you okay?”

He lay on his side, his hand supporting his head. His eyes searched mine and I could see the questions behind them. The worry.

I shook my head. “No, I’m fine. It was incredible. I knew you’d be amazing.”

He smiled. “Considering I’m the only one,” he said as his fingers brushed against my chin. His expression sobered. “Julia…I mean, I had no idea…all this time…?”

I turned toward him and brushed the hair off of his face. I wanted to touch him like he was touching me. “What would you have had me say? Ryan, I’m so in love with you that I can’t stand anyone else touching me?” My throat tightened, making it hard to get the words out. I tried to joke about it, but his eyes darkened and he got the little crinkle between his brows as he studied me.

“Yeah, that would have worked.” His mouth quirked and then his expression became thoughtful. “Julia, you dated. I thought…”

“I dated, yeah. To try to get you out of my system.” I lay back on the pillows and brought a hand to my eyes. “You can’t know what I went through, trying to have sex with someone else so that I could try to fall out of love with you.” The memory of those times was still painful enough to bring new tears to my eyes and my throat was aching.

“Jules,” Ryan said softly and reached for my hand. “Please don’t pull away from me. I do know what it was like, because that’s what I did too. I couldn’t shake you, no matter what I did.”

“Don’t you mean
who
you did?” I asked. I knew it was unfair of me, bitter even, and that wasn’t how I wanted the evening to be. I regretted my words the instant they were out. He sighed heavily and pulled back from me but I reached for him and drew him closer. “I’m sorry, that was unfair of me.”

“I…wanted you from the minute we met. I ached for you and I basically resigned myself to the fact that you only wanted to be my friend. I tried to get you out of my head because it was killing me. And physically, I was on edge all the time. I was so turned on, my body was constantly in agony…but I couldn’t stay away from you either. I was totally fucked. So yes, I tried to get you out of my head and my heart. And I failed every time.”

“I cried myself to sleep every one of those nights you went out. I was in hell, praying for daylight when you’d be with me and not them.” Finally, he knew everything and admitting it to him was like letting the water out of a dam and I couldn’t stop the tears. He gathered me close to his chest and put a hand on the back of my head. He kissed me on the forehead and breathed me in.

“Oh, honey. I’m sorry, my love. I was an idiot.”

“You couldn’t have known, and you always came back to me. They never lasted very long.”

“Because they
weren’t you
.” His voice vibrated over my skin and my arm tightened around his waist.

I drew in a deep, shaky breath. “That’s why I was scared to let this happen…to let myself love you, to make love with you. I was afraid that I’d become one of your flings and I would rather be your friend than your lover for a week or two. I couldn’t risk that shit.”

“Julia, it’s all us now. I will never touch another woman again. And after this…I cannot have any other man touching you.
Ever
.”

“If it was impossible before, how in the hell do you think it’s possible now? You’ve ruined me for anyone else.”

His finger slid beneath my chin to tilt my head up so he could kiss me softly, sucking on my lips with his. “One thing I know, Julia. You have got to get to the East Coast, love. Either that or I need to find a med school out here. I am not going to survive this separation now.”

I snuggled into the love of my life. He was right. I loved my job, but Ryan was where I needed to be. “You’re not screwing with Harvard, Matthews. You got me?”

He chuckled softly and rubbed my back gently. “Yes. I’ve got you.”

~5~

Ryan got up after we made love and went into the bathroom, washing off and then bringing in a warm washcloth to tenderly wash the blood from my lower body and legs. His features were soft, his eyes burning with emotion.

“Julia, I’m…overwhelmed,” he whispered as he gathered me close to him after he’d returned to bed. I felt extremely safe as I snuggled into him, resting on his shoulder and wrapping an arm around him. It felt so perfect. “There are no words to describe how much I love you. Thank you for trusting me, and—” his words dropped off as he nuzzled into my hair at the side of my neck, “for loving me enough to wait for me.” His arms tightened around me. “I won’t survive losing you now.”

I sighed against him and kissed his chest. “You know that isn’t possible. As long as you want me, I’m yours.”

His voice caught on emotions and his hand rubbed up and down my arm. “Promise me that nothing will come between us.”

“I promise. Forever,” I whispered. He finally drifted off to sleep but my mind was working overtime, my heart too full to sleep. I lay there for a long time just listening to him breathe, but I was restless and didn’t want to wake him up.

I lifted his arm carefully so I wouldn’t rouse him, yearning to kiss his mouth, but settled for brushing the hair from his forehead and touching his jaw with my fingertips. The stubble had started to grow which only served to make him even sexier, if that were possible.

“Julia…” he sighed and flopped over on his stomach. My heart fluttered at my name on his lips. He’d said it many times as we made love and the emotion in his voice made my heart explode into a million pieces. It was amazing and somewhat surreal. I was afraid I’d wake up and find that it had just been another of my fantasies.

The soreness between my legs reminded me that it was indeed real as I padded into the bathroom and turned on the hot water in the shower. I looked at myself in the mirror, trying to find some difference from the person I was 5 hours earlier. My hair was wild from his love play, my lips slightly swollen and there was a pink flush to my skin. Nothing major, but definitely changed forever.

I shivered and ran my hand through my hair. He had been amazing, tender and so unbelievably loving that he took my breath away. The physical pain of his entry into my body paled in comparison to the way my chest clenched when he said he didn’t think he’d be able to stop. After four years of waiting and wanting, there was no way in hell either of us could stop. The emotion between us was undeniable and beautiful.

I lifted my face into the hot water and let it cascade over me, quickly washed my hair and rinsed it before turning off the faucet. I donned a white terrycloth robe that Ellie had given me for my birthday and wrapped my wet hair in a towel. I didn’t want to be gone from Ryan too long, but I wasn’t feeling tired. The light from the bathroom cast a soft glow across the bedroom, illuminating Ryan’s beautiful form. Still on his stomach with his arms curled underneath a pillow beneath his head, the sheet had fallen low on his hips leaving the glorious muscles on his back and the beginning curve of his ass
laid bare to my view. I stopped in place as my breath caught in my throat. He was so perfect; I sometimes thought he was a figment of my imagination.

We had everything now. Everything we could possibly want between us.
And about 3000 miles that we didn’t want.

My heart ached slightly at the thought of him leaving Sunday to return to Boston. Suddenly, my life in Los Angeles wasn’t so great. I’d missed him terribly, but now…it would be completely unbearable. Our admissions would make being apart more difficult, which had been one concern of letting our relationship progress back in college.

I sighed as I knelt down beside the bed so I could look into his face and hear him breathing. He smelled so familiar to me; the same Ryan that had been by my side, my best friend who made me laugh and teased, who comforted and pushed. He’d been the most significant person in my world since the moment I’d met him. I inhaled so deeply that the expansion of my lungs actually hurt. My eyes welled with tears as my hand brushed his hair back from his perfect features again.

“Julia.” He stirred softly, the words a breathy whisper. “I love you so much.”

I put my hand over my mouth so I wouldn’t make a sound. Finally hearing those words, and in the unconscious state of sleep, brought home just how incredibly true they were. I leaned in and kissed his temple as my heart squeezed to the point of pain.

I love you, too, Ryan. More than I ever thought I could love anyone.

I’d loved him before, but now, after we’d been so intimate, connected in body and soul, I knew I couldn’t live this far away from him. I needed him, and I wanted to be everything to him. To give him everything he could ever need. My heart pounded wildly as I moved to the upholstered chair near the window and leaned over to turn on the small lamp on the table beside it.

I didn’t have much free time. The new job with
Glamour
was so demanding and the hours so long I hadn’t taken the time to draw at all. In the past four years I’d drawn several pictures of Ryan, some of them done on the nights that he’d gone out on dates, when I was heartbroken. It had given me some sort of twisted comfort as I kept reminding myself that I was the only constant woman in his life.