The Future of Our Past (The Remembrance Trilogy) (41 page)

She bit her lip to stop it from quivering as her emotions shook her. “That’s not fair and you know it!” she spat miserably.

She covered her face in her hands and sobbed. I wanted to hold her, but my heart was breaking and I was angrier than I’d ever been. I was coming apart as I stood shaking in front of her. My whole world was on its way to
fucking France
.

“I don’t know what to do, Ryan. I know that I love you, but I need to do this. For
me
. This time, it’s about
me
.” She drew in a long shaky breath.

“So, no discussion? Just
done
?” I asked flatly and raked both hands through my hair, turning away from her.

“Hmmph. What discussion? You already told me what you expect. It’s just that this time, I can’t do as you ask. I’ve been agonizing over this ever since Wednesday. Remember I wanted a coffee date? You were the first thought I had.” She paused as I soaked in the meaning of her words. “I hoped you’d be happy for me. Maybe even be proud. There are 40 other people across the company who wanted this opportunity and they
asked me
to do it. I didn’t even go after it, Ryan. Meredith came to
me
. That being true, how can I say no?”

I sighed. “You open your mouth and say the fucking word, Julia. That’s how.”

“Ryan…I never asked you to give up Harvard and stay with me. This is no different, except its only 6 months to a year. Not four.”

Hell.
She was right, but it didn’t change how my heart was being ripped out of my body at the implications of what this meant…and half a world between us.

“Don’t ask me to be happy about something that is going to ruin my whole Goddamn life, Julia.” I sat down on the bed and put my head in my hands. “When?” I asked wearily. My heart didn’t want to hear the answer, but my head needed to know.

“Uhhhhhh,” she tried to clear the tears from her voice. “Four or five weeks, maybe? There are a few things to do first,” she said so softly I wasn’t even sure if she even said the words.

“Ahhhhh! I’m so pissed, Julia. It isn’t fucking
fair
! It ruins everything!”

Anger? Sorrow? Unfairness or irony? Whatever it was, it was ripping me to shreds. I felt like I’d just been gutted.

Could anything be worse?

I raised my head and looked at her. She was broken too, shaking with tears running down her cheeks. In my anger and frustration, I’d failed to see that this would mean the same thing to her as it would to me…Misery at being apart.

“Julia. I’m sorry,” I breathed softly. “I just…I don’t want to lose you. You know that.”

The sobs broke free again. “I-I-I know, R-Ryan. God, I don’t want to lose you either. P-please don’t l-let that h-happen because of this,” she begged as she leaned up against a wall and slid down until she was sitting on the floor. She drew her knees up and buried her face in the arms she wrapped around them.

Instantly, I was beside her pulling her up and enfolding her in my arms. She wound hers around my shoulders. “I love you so m-much,” she cried into my neck, her hot tears and breath raining down on me. My own eyes were stinging and my throat closing up in pain.

“I know, honey. I love you, too. If I didn’t, this wouldn’t even matter…but I don’t want to be without you. With residency hours and shit, Julia, I won’t be able to get away to Paris to see you. I can’t go a year without seeing you more than a couple of times. I won’t survive,” I said softly as I nuzzled into the hair at her ear. It was damp from her tears and the skin underneath was hot. I kissed the side of her face and brushed her tears away with the pads of both thumbs. Her eyes were closed, her brow knitted, the rest of her face crumpled as she cried.

I lay down on the bed and then gathered her to me. She nestled easily into the nook of my shoulder as she had a thousand times before. I sighed deeply and rubbed her back, trying to calm my emotions and longing to take away her pain.

“I’m sorry I got so mad, baby.” I placed a soft kiss on her open mouth as she sniffed back the tears. “I’m not happy about this, Julia, so I can’t promise I won’t piss and moan at the unfairness of it.”

I felt her nod against me. It was a few minutes before she was calm enough to speak, though her voice still shook and I felt her hot tears continue to seep through my shirt and soak my skin.

“I don’t want to be away from you either, Ryan. It’s killing me, but I have to do this. I told them that I’d only do it if they flew me back to the States for a week every two or three months. I know it isn’t much, but at least we’ll see each other some. And, I made Meredith promise to let me come back for your graduation. I promise not to miss it.”

My arms tightened around her and I closed my eyes. She was always thinking of me, even when I was being a selfish prick. I loved this woman so much, my heart swelled at the same time it was breaking. I sucked in a deep breath and pressed my lips to her forehead again. “I’ll try to get over there too, if there is any way at all, Julia.”

She moved so she could look into my eyes. “Ryan…would you still consider doing your residency in New York? You can have my apartment. I know I’m asking a lot because you’d be alone here for several months, but would you? When I come back to the States we can be together right away. Please?” she begged softly, her hand moving up to brush against my jaw. “Please?”

I nodded. It was the only choice. The quickest way we’d be together. “Of course, baby. I can’t bear any more time apart than is absolutely necessary. Here we go again.”

The ring in my pocket was burning a hole through the fabric of my pants and into my skin like acid. Eating away at me like the agony was eating away at my insides.

Tonight should have turned out differently.
So
differently, but it wasn’t going to end without that ring on her finger where it belonged.

I rolled to my side and Julia moved with me, facing me, we stared into each other’s eyes and I brushed her hair back off of her face. Tearstained and all, she was still the most stunning thing I’d ever seen. I was captivated…overwhelmed at how beautiful she was inside and out.

This had been killing her. The desperation I’d felt all weekend was the result of her pain at the prospect of leaving me for months. I sighed as realization washed over me; this was even more painful for her because she knew how much this would hurt me.

“Okay. I’ll
let you
go to Paris,” I tried to tease, despite the tremendous aching in every fiber of my being. She raised her eyebrow at me as I tried to smile. Her chin began to tremble, still so fragile. I dug in the pocket of my dress pants for the ring and pulled it out, trying to distract her from what I was doing by kissing her.

“Shh…don’t cry my love.” My lips gently pulled on hers and I flicked her top one with the tip of my tongue. She moaned and lifted her mouth, silently asking for more. My mouth hovered above hers, dying in the choice of whether to kiss her until we were both gasping or to put the ring on her finger.

The two carat oval solitaire was set in a delicate prong-set band, holding twenty more perfectly matched stones. The metal setting wasn’t even visible with the way the stones were set. I’d spent the last four years saving up the money to pay for it. I wanted the ring to be a reflection of the woman wearing it; flawless, perfect, brilliantly beautiful and completely unique.

I whispered against her mouth, “This isn’t how I wanted to do this, Julia…but yes, I’ll let you go to Paris, but only with this on your finger.” I held up the ring and her tear-filled eyes widened and she gasped. Her arms tightened around me as she cried even harder.

“Julia, will you marry me?” The metal and diamonds burned through my palm as I brushed the knuckles of my closed hand across her cheek. “I love you; I only want you…forever. Will you marry me, sweet?”

Julia pulled back to look into my face, her beautiful eyes liquid and she laughed through her tears. “Yes. Of course, yes, Ryan! Oh my God, yes!”

I slipped it on her hand and then kissed her mouth gently. Desperation, overwhelming love and sadness…all of it flooded around us as we clung to each other, ripping at each other’s clothing in our frantic attempts to get closer together.

I understood her demeanor over the past few days, but I didn’t want tonight to feel rushed or desperate. I wanted to show her with my mouth, hands and body, that I was still hers and we’d be okay. No matter what, we’d be together. I pulled my mouth from hers, needing to ease the ache in her heart and reached for her hand and pulled it to my mouth. I brushed my mouth back and forth across her knuckles slowly.

“Julia,” I breathed, “I want to make love slowly tonight, baby. I love you and nothing will change that. Not even Paris. You could be going to the moon and I’d still love you. I want to remember every moment of tonight; to savor every touch.”

“Ryan…” she whispered achingly.

“Shh…It’s okay. It will work out, baby. I told Aaron the night I came back from that first Thanksgiving weekend that I could feel the love you have for me, how I feel it seep right into my skin. That’s what I want you to feel, too. Nothing will ever come between us. I won’t let it.”

“I do feel it, Ryan. I know how much you love me. I don’t deserve you,” she whispered brokenly.

I smiled softly and nuzzled gently against her face, my hands ghosting over her breasts as she arched into me and I rolled over on top of her. I was thinking of the words we’d said to each other in the past, so I said them again.

“You deserve whatever I decide to give you and I want to give you everything. Just
don’t forget to remember me
, and we’ll be okay. Don’t forget how much I love you…”

~12~

“Ellie!” I called as I folded the last load of laundry. “What are you doing in there?” She came to spend a long weekend before I headed to Paris. I sighed, full of melancholy. This was a fantastic opportunity and I kept telling myself that I’d be too busy to miss New York, to miss my friends. To miss…
Ryan
.

I glanced up as she walked down the hall holding a suit that she’d given me three years ago, clicking her tongue and shaking her head in disapproval.

“Please tell me you aren’t taking this old thing to Paris, Julia.”

My mouth quirked at the corners and I stood to take it from her. “I like this suit.”

“You can’t go to the fashion capital of the world and wear out-of-date rags,” she admonished with a roll of her eyes.

“Yeah,” I said quietly, preoccupied with my impending departure.

Ellie sat on the couch, watching me resume folding clothes. Her eyes followed my movements and then flashed to my face. She leaned forward and halted my movements with her hand. “Julia, it’s only a few months.”

I shrugged. “I keep telling myself that, but it doesn’t make me feel any better. And, Ryan…” I threw the clothes back on the couch and leaned back, crossing my arms.

“He isn’t taking it so well?” Ellie asked cautiously, picking up the shirt I’d tossed and finished folding it.

“Every time we talk, I can hear it in his voice. He tries to hide it, but he’s miserable. I want to run to him and tell him nothing is more important to me than he is. He’s my whole world.”

“I know, babes, but this is an amazing opportunity. Telling Meredith no would be like a slap in her face. You’d be without him for a few more months anyway, right?”

“About three, yeah, but now it’ll be at least twice that.” I felt my throat tighten. “It’s killing us both.”

Ellie smiled weakly. “You go out there and have fun. Time will fly by.”

I scowled at her. How the hell did she know what it was like?

“Imagine what it would be like if you had to be away from Harris for four years, Ellie. Then; he came to you and told you that it would be longer,” I said, rising and rushing into the kitchen. “Would you feel like crap?” I suddenly felt dizzy and placed a hand out to brace myself. “Uhhh…”

Ellie followed me into the kitchen, coming up beside me as I placed a hand to my head. “Are you okay, Julia? Are you sick?”

“No. I mean, I feel fine. I just had a head rush. I got up too fast.” I turned back to her. “Do you want a drink?”

“What ya got?” She plopped on one of the stools by the bar. She looked gorgeous. Her hair was longer, almost past her shoulders.