The Gift of Hope (6 page)

Maybe she’d have an opportunity after the Christmas pageant. If he retreated to his office while her helpers packed away costumes and props for next year, she could sneak away and approach him alone.

Sunday afternoon she was as excited as the children, but she didn’t have the luxury of being boisterous.

“Shepherds, make sure your sheep are with you,” she called out over the din. “Gil, stop poking Cami with your staff! Everyone line up now!”

She and Stacy grinned at each other, enjoying the event as much as the children. At least they didn’t lack for helpers. If anything, they had too many mothers fussing over their children’s costumes and giving last-minute instructions, but everything sorted itself out in time to begin the procession up to the sanctuary.

Hope was relieved when the pageant began. It was out of her hands now, and the weeks of planning and rehearsals had been worthwhile. The angels were angelic, the shepherds didn’t lose any sheep, Emily sang in a sweet voice, and the congregation could hear the children say their parts. Anna was a lovely Mary, and Joseph didn’t squirm as much as usual in the robe she’d managed to let out a bit.

“It was the best pageant we’ve had,” Harriet complimented her in the confusion of collecting costumes and handing children over to parents after it was over.

Anna volunteered to help with cleanup, and most of the participants had left the church. Hope excused herself to Stacy and hurried up to the office where she hoped to find Noah alone.

The office door was open, and the outer area was deserted. She nervously crept up to his inner area and knocked on the doorframe to get his attention.

“Do you have a minute?” she asked in a subdued voice.

“Please, come in. I was going to find you when the crowd thinned. The pageant was great! I know Anna loved participating, and it was one of the best organized I’ve seen.”

“Thank you.” She wasn’t there for compliments, but it still felt good to know he’d liked it.

Making what seemed to her like a bold mood, she casually pulled the door shut. How embarrassing would it be if someone came in while she was inviting the minister to dinner?

“Granny Doe and I wondered whether you have plans for Christmas Day.”

“Anna and I always have quiet time together after all the church services and activities are over.”

She couldn’t read his face, and his gaze was adding to her discomfort.

“Of course, you’re probably tired after the extra services.”

She almost let herself retreat, backing toward the door to escape, but something in his expression encouraged her to go on.

“I would like to have you come for Christmas dinner. You and Anna.”

“That’s kind of you, but…” His voice trailed off, and she braced herself for a refusal.

He stepped closer and took a deep breath. “I care about you too much to come.”

“What do you mean?” She didn’t know how to take what he’d said.

“I don’t think we can be casual friends, and I’m not ready to let love back into my life.”

Hope desperately wished she hadn’t come to his office, hadn’t invited him to dinner, hadn’t fallen in love with a man who didn’t love her back. She turned to run away, but he caught her hand and prevented escape.

“Please, that came out wrong.”

“No, I understand exactly what you said.” She was surprised by tears welling up in her eyes and only wanted to get away from him.

He didn’t release her hand.

“I’m just not ready.” He sounded agonized, but it did nothing to comfort her. “I lost all hope of happiness after my wife died. Now I see you, and I’m afraid of what I feel. I can’t risk letting Anna become too attached to you. I don’t want her hurt if....”

“I would never hurt her!”

“Not intentionally, but she’s become resigned to having only me. I can’t raise her expectations without risking further hurt.”

“Why are you so reserved with her if you’re really trying to be both father and mother? Don’t you know how badly she needs to be reassured, to be told you love her?” Hope was speaking as much for herself as for Anna, but she did believe what she’d said. Noah seemed aloof when he was with his daughter, even though he seemingly had no trouble reaching out to members of the congregation.

“I love Anna. You don’t need to be concerned about my personal life.” His tone was cool and censuring.

Hope yanked her hand away and turned to open the door. She’d been afraid he would decline her invitation, but she hadn’t imagined the hurt she felt now.

“Please.…” he said following her into the outer office.

“I have costumes to put away.” Without looking back, she knew he wasn’t following. She wiped an errant tear from her cheek and stood on the stairs until she could face anyone lingering in the commons area.

Noah sighed with pain and retreated to his inner office, sitting for several minutes with his face in his hands, leaning on the desk while he waited for the pain to subside.

At first he was angry. She seemed to think he was a bad parent, and it hurt. But this wasn’t about Anna.

He’d blown any chance of becoming close to Hope, any possibility of finding happiness. For a long time, he’d convinced himself time and faith would diminish his sorrow. Now he was on the brink of rediscovering happiness, and he’d callously thrown away his opportunity.

Would she ever forgive him? Could he forgive himself?

“Daddy, are you ready to go home?” Anna called out as she bounded into his office.

“Just let me get my coat,” he said automatically.

He looked at his daughter and wondered whether Hope was right? Did he hold back his love and miss opportunities to let Anna know how important she was to him?

“You were wonderful in the pageant,” he said.

“Was I holding Baby Jesus right? My headdress kept slipping. Did you notice?”

“You were perfect,” he said with deep feeling, enveloping her in a big hug. “Now let’s go home. I can almost taste the chili in the crock pot.”

Anna’s smile was balm for his heart.

CHAPTER 8

Hope watched Granny Doe’s friends help her down the front porch steps, happy her grandmother was getting out of the house. The sun was shining, and an unexpected thaw on Christmas morning made it much safer for a woman on crutches to go outside.

“You’re sure you won’t join us?” Betty asked as her husband and son helped Granny Doe into the car. “We have enough food for another dozen people.”

“Thank you for asking, but I have other plans.” She didn’t mention they involved sitting home alone on Christmas Day.

Granny Doe threw her a disapproving glance before she got into the back seat of her friend’s black sedan. Her grandmother had urged her to come along, insisting it was a bad idea to sit home brooding. Of course, Hope hadn’t told her the full story of her encounter with Noah.

Alone in the big house, she went over and over everything Noah had said. No matter how hard she tried to find some ray of hope, she had to accept rejection. He wasn’t ready for a new relationship. Maybe, like her father, it would be many years before he was open to love again.

To distract herself, she tried to watch her favorite Christmas movie, “It’s a Wonderful Life,” but she gave up long before the angel got his wings. Much too restless to read, she went to the kitchen to whip up a batch of chocolate peanut butter fudge, but when the ingredients were assembled, she gave up. Sweet treats wouldn’t repair a broken heart.

As she was replacing the sugar canister on the counter, her eyes fell on the lovely cake they’d made for Anna’s surprise birthday party. She’d whipped up a wonderful three-egg yellow layer cake, and Granny Doe had spent a long time at the kitchen table working magic with her decorating skills. She’d spelled out “HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANNA” in red frosting and surrounded it with clown figures in bright yellow, blue, and green.

The longer she looked at it, the angrier she got. Anna deserved a special tenth birthday party, and it was a terrible shame to let her special cake go to waste. Not only that, Hope had a gift for her, a cashmere scarf in muted shades of blue and lavender. It wouldn’t be the same if she gave it to her later. Birthday gifts should be given on birthdays.

Hope paced through the downstairs rooms, an idea gradually forming in her head. If she understood correctly, Noah and his daughter were quietly celebrating the Lord’s birthday and Anna’s, just the two of them at home. It wasn’t right, and no matter how Noah felt about her, she was going to do something special for Anna.

One person didn’t make a party, and she really didn’t know Anna’s school friends. No doubt most of them were involved in family activities, but she had an idea.

Her call to Ernestine’s parents’ house went unanswered, but she was successful in reaching her at the Llewellyn house where Harriet had gathered her family for Christmas dinner.

When Hope explained her idea to Ernestine, the young woman squealed with enthusiasm. Half an hour later she was at the door with Brad and Emily in tow.

“This is Brad,” Ernestine said, thrusting her hand forward. “My fiancé. I desperately wanted a reason to leave my grandmother’s dinner. I’m just too happy to sit around reminiscing with relatives I hardly ever see.”

“Nice to meet you,” the young man said. His mild voice belied his mane of unruly red hair, and Hope liked him immediately

“I’m so happy for both of you!” she said, “and I’m glad you came too, Emily. A party isn’t a party without people.”

Emily grinned from inside a fake-fur hood that nearly engulfed her face.

“I wanted to bring a present. Do you think it’s okay to give Anna a DVD I just got for Christmas? My grandmother said re-gifting is tacky.”

“Not when you do it with good intentions,” her sister assured her. “Now where’s this special cake we’re delivering?”

Hope grew more and more nervous as they loaded the cake and her gift into Brad’s old green Chevy. The motor coughed when he started it, but Ernestine glowed with happiness. In the back seat, Emily fidgeted with excitement beside Hope and had to be reminded to fasten her seat belt.

“Don’t feel hurt if Reverend Langdon isn’t thrilled to see us,” she warned, hoping their welcome wouldn’t be too cool.

Hope nearly backed out when they walked up to the front door of the parsonage. There was a skimpy wreath of dried flowers on the door and a single strand of unlit Christmas bulbs on a small evergreen at the end of the porch. She thought of her Grandmother’s parlor filled with a lifetime accumulation of decorations and felt a new surge of sympathy for Anna.

“Can I ring the bell?” Emily asked.

“By all means,” Hope said, not minding when the she pressed the buzzer repeatedly.

Noah answered the door.

“Hello,” he said, looking startled but not displeased. “What is this?”

“A surprise birthday party for Anna,” Emily chirped.

“Come in.” He gave Hope an astonished look and backed up to let them enter. “Anna, here’s a surprise for you,” he called out.

Hope hadn’t believed a person’s face could actually light up until Anna came into the foyer and saw the cake Ernestine was carefully holding.

“A clown cake! It’s so beautiful!” she cried out.

“Thank Granny Doe for the decorations,” Hope said, focusing on Anna because it was too painful to look directly at Noah.

She’d never seen him without his collar, and he looked relaxed in a red and green plaid flannel shirt, dark sweat pants, and leather moccasins. Although she’d been in the parsonage when Reverend Green lived there, she was surprised by the changes. The furniture in the front room was much more casual and inviting, not fancy but homey.

“Put the cake here,” Anna said, leading the way to the dining room after they’d left their coats on a bench in the foyer.

“This was very kind of you,” Noah said, talking to the group as a whole, not Hope.

Relieved as she was by the warm welcome, Hope still felt the pain of knowing she was only a member of the congregation to Noah.

Much to her surprise, Anna and Emily took the lead in making the event a party. They played charades, and Noah joined in with gusto. The cake was a huge hit, and Brad lost his shyness as they giggled over dividing sections of the cake. Noah brought out a tub of homemade ice cream, his Christmas gift from his parents.

“This is my best birthday party ever,” Anna said several times as the celebration continued late into the afternoon.

“We have to be going,” Ernestine said. “I haven’t told my family about our engagement yet. I have to admit, I’ve been a little afraid of what my grandmother will say, but now anything seems possible. She may even grow to like Brad when she gets to know him.”

“I’ll take Hope home,” Noah said when they were preparing to leave. “You run along and make your announcement.”

The other guests departed in a flurry of thanks from Anna and Noah. Hope was uneasy about letting Noah drive her home, but the party had succeeded beyond her expectations.

“Now I’m ten,” Anna reminded her father. “You said I could stay home alone when I was ten.”

“So I did,” he said, “but only for a short time.”

Hope had assumed Anna would ride along. She didn’t know what to say to Noah when they were alone in his van.

He was silent until they pulled into the drive leading to the old carriage house serving as a garage for her car and Granny Doe’s. They got out and walked to the door.

“That was a sweet thing you did for Anna,” he said, standing in front of her in the early December darkness.

“She’s a lovely girl.”

“And sometimes I’m not much of a father.”

“I truly do not believe that,” Hope said, clenching her hands together, knowing she should go in the house but kept there by the penitent tone of his voice.

“What you did for Anna is only a small part of the gratitude I feel for you now.”

Hope didn’t know what to say. She didn’t need or want his gratitude.

“I was foolish to deny my heart and refuse to admit how I feel about you. I haven’t been able to think of anything else. Do you think we can start over?”

Hope trembled and her teeth chattered, but she knew it wasn’t the cold. Was it possible Noah felt the same way she did? She leaned toward him, hardly daring to believe what he was saying.