The GOD Box (14 page)

“Dane, I think you’d really like that book over there.” She said, “I’ve finished it twice. I think it’s bogus, but I think it’s humorous bogus, if you know what I mean.”

Dane laughed, “yeah, it looks like there’s been lot of research going on around here.”

“I kind of like to pick it apart. Especially if you read it side by side with that one book you really like… um… origins something…”

This was the small talk, apparently, in their family. It took an entire hour to get to gossip. Gabe really wanted to bring up a particular topic at the table related to this gossip… though wasn’t sure how appropriate it was. Dane’s father was nowhere to be seen and was never made mention of. Other names came up… one of them could have been Dane’s father, Gabe supposed. Men bringing support.

May, who
finally had cordially ended her debate, was sitting next to Gabe and she looked over and said quietly that he looked confused and asked if he would like an explanation for something. It wasn’t like him to withhold thoughts. He explained that he wasn’t sure if it was appropriate but that he wanted to know about families and why there was no Father around.

After a few minutes for clarification on both ends, May finally understood that traditional family was, ideally, though rarel
y in practice, as Gabe ever saw, a lasting and supportive function. It had declined over time. Gabe then learned that marriage, as even a word, and if possible, less as an idea was not even recognized. While becoming for yourself… a self-sufficient human being was the goal, any philosopher or anthropologist would say that healthy family relationships were the only proper beginning. Psychologists made a living off of failed and misunderstood relationships. Obviously the failing of that organization was seen poorly because of how it was portrayed in the media throughout history, why so many people were lacking and went to counselors to have problems “fixed”.

Though, people seemed to become complacent over the years… it was expected to be a failed organization… and so no surprise th
at the same set-up was still not right; there was no good example. Still, Gabe thought, if the function now was working, and women didn’t feel oppressed…

Gabe even learned that in May’s own family, her father was more of a friend to her. He lived on the other side of town and she would visit for fun. The rest of her siblings came from two fathers. Three from one, two from another. One
, their mother would talk to in town when she saw him, and the other who had left town and they didn’t know where he was. May seemed both very unconcerned with the relationships, as if none of these things were important facts, but was also contemplative…

Then she said this, “I’ve been working on a theory for a
while now, and you just helped me explain a lot to myself. Thanks.” She didn’t smile, though, as he would have expected. She zoned out, lost in her thoughts.

It also occurred to Gabe that
Dane took an unconventional route. While leaving and sustaining yourself was expected, his curiosity and carefree attitude were exaggerations of his mother’s and an older brother’s who also had joined them. But, his mother seemed proud of his work and his research and was very curious for the details. Suddenly, it made sense why Dane was attached to May. She possessed most of his mother’s admirable qualities. Some of the younger siblings clearly took after his buoyancy, while others were more sterile. They laughed and teased and fought and argued and took sides… just like any average American family… right?

Gabe looked down at his plate and saw eggs… wait, eggs? A chicken survived?

Gabe was finally just figuring it all out. About time. He wasn’t as strong as he thought he was. He would slip; he was slipping already. He was the naked one; the one who forgot his clothes in this nightmare. Jonathan would last a few weeks longer at least and then he’d have to journey back to the cave for more medicine. He could make that happen easily enough by tempting them with knowledge… with seeing the future.

Jonathan and Gabe were going through the motions. Same observations, same responses, same prosaic discoveries. When dinner was over, Jonathan popped his pills. From a side glance, Gabe was watching, and Jonathan caught him in the act. It seemed to Gabe that Jonathan was taking more pills than ever during these last two days. Something was eating at him, perhaps, or reality sunk in, or he was too tired to fight anymore.
Didn’t he realize what would happen when the pills were gone
? Gabe mentioned this to Jonathan, once, when he seemed in a good mood. Regardless, he responded dryly, and told Gabe to piss off, that he could handle his consumption – and, yes, he knew what would happen when they were gone, and no, he didn’t care.

Partially because of this, and partially because of his confusion at this society,
Gabe found himself irrepressibly frustrated after dinner and volunteered to leave and prepare for bed as soon as possible. Though, of course, sleep escaped him.
What things had he learned today? (1) Women are in a traditional role.
He deliberated if that was a bad thing.
(2) Economy is doing okay under capitalism. (3) They have chickens, but no other domestic animals. (4) They had learned to make clothes, but May is the only one I’ve seen with cotton clothes. Why is that? (5) Families are still untraditional in format, but there is a sense of community.

The next day was engaging and full of interesting discoveries
. Before going into town, May took off the cotton shirt. She did so with such regularity in her attitude no one asked why, but it made Gabe suspicious. The group of them walked through town together, Gabe now more talkative, Jonathan being critical, and Dane coming in and out – bringing back food or news. On one of these return trips, Dane brought back a friend who he introduced as Darian – his friend from the political movement.

This man had jet black hair, a long face, with a narrow chin. He looked well-groomed clothes-wise, and his hair was combed, but his chin was scruffy. He seemed laid back, and far too relaxed, in Gabe’s opinion. So loose, and almost like the friendly salesman type
, though a bit more genuine. He wore a big smile and greeted them cordially. He had a bright look about him that seemed to say he knew where he was going and what he wanted from life.

Dane walked around to put his hand on the small of May’s back and said,
“we’ll need to talk… soon.”

When Darian saw May he started going off about the several politicians making their way around the cities now. They talked for a while, mostly about the idea of unifying means of trade
between the cities. May played it off well that she genuinely found this all very interesting, however, she seemed to be able to sense that Dane brought him for a reason, so she let the conversation wither.

“
I think they’d be really interested in what you were telling me earlier… what you found.” Dane said, unconvincingly nonchalant.

The friend smiled
wisely and calmly, “Up north about three day’s trip, we found the remains of an old city.” Hopefully it wasn’t terribly obvious to him that the faces were more concerned than confused. “There’s no human remains, so we think they moved out, or were scared out. Certainly, though there were more people there than our great-great-grandparents. Perhaps there’s another group of people still out there!”

At first Gabe was taken aback and was afraid
about how they were considering the possibility of another nation existing. But the more he thought about it, Gabe wasn’t so sure how much this mattered… they’d hit a wall sometime and wouldn’t be able to go forward. They’d drive themselves crazy over a few bones of those who died of natural causes. Yet chances are they’d search and they’d search until they found possible remains on other continents that bombs didn’t fully destroy.
Hmm…
He became disgruntled.

Such a mixture of emotions for him at the moment.
This discovery so soon was potentially dangerous, for the society and for the scientists. Would this be enough to set Jonathan off? Should they start over? On one hand, he’d continue to be immortal and they’d failed again, on the other hand, he’d be mortal, and they’d still have failed.

Gabe pressed for more information from the kid, about housing and organization of the town, animals, clothing
, and devices. Though he knew all the answers, he wanted to know what they knew. And, where the things were located. Thank goodness they were poor archaeologists. They had needed to return quickly, so they only took the few things they could carry and came back for provisions for a longer stay next time.

Darian
showed them the clothing they found, which looked very similar to May’s. That’s why she took it off. It seemed that it wasn’t only Gabe who was making this connection, but Samson, Miek, and Jonathan, too.

Convenient that
May and Dane found that city and conveniently forgot to mention it. They found it and wanted to learn more. Something in there led them to the cave. They left that out of the story. Gabe looked back at Darian and realized that because they were not treating the belongings with care, they were also not treating the information with care. Discoveries like this were always followed with a lust for progress. This enthusiastic young entrepreneur was going to use the ideas for all they were worth… share them in his excitement and soon the world would be bursting with “new” technology. Damn it. Just when they thought things were good.

Jonathan was trailing along in Gabe’s wake of thoughts. He was
, luckily, and for once, smart enough not to say anything right there but just a few feet away from that boy came the bitter accusation. Whispering venomously in Gabe’s ear he cursed and coursed through all of their movements until now and how they should have talked about the last time before they did anything else, how Gabe knew Jonathan had been saying this all along. He mentioned that maybe they could have gone up and destroyed it before, but it was too late now. Gabe retorted,

“Yeah, if we could have found it, and if our captors would have let us go. Stop hissing in my ear,
you bastard.”

Gabe felt his body slacken and slope further toward the earth’s core. The small hunch he walked with increased as his spirit and energy gave way to gravity. Down he
went, spiraling in his thoughts. Maybe it just can’t be done. Maybe nature was its own untamed whore. Survival was its only purpose… not a happy survival, not a fair or just survival, just existence itself. Perpetually birthing and dying.

Y
ou know people can’t survive like that.
Gabe told himself.
That’s the whole point. Survival without positive, encouraging interaction… is not really survival… is it?
As he was trying to figure this all out, fighting with himself, he realized the others were making plans. He looked down dejectedly, calling for the dirt to make a hole big enough for him to crawl into and lie in fetal position. This was not the man he used to be. Power-hungry, God-like even.

The excitement of creation had once filled his mind and soul. Now, it was like going bowling and the ball return was casually returning square objects without any hurry and you sit and you wait for the ball to come back and it never comes, you just keep waiting in relentless anticipation that consumes your soul because you have one purpose, one job, to get a strike… and it was awful to think that getting the strike wasn’t the issue… it was that no matter how long you waited, you never had what you needed and could not force it into your hands by your own will power. It
was pulling life and soul out of people to actually see what it’s made of… then realizing it can’t be seen after years and years of hoping.

Gabe had had major depression a few months before the peak of the war and the culmination of their project. When he went to therapy, he was more or less a study of moppishness.
Answering few of the questions and feeling one hundred pounds of weight in his chest pulling him downward was all there was then. It surprised some, including himself, that he could function at all or drive to his appointments. No room for anger, no room for frustration, no room for change… only energy to stare five feet in front of his nose to keep him, at most, from running into other objects.

This was when Jonathan’s
wife came to cook and take care of him. Now the same feelings were coming back. Feelings he was afraid of. They had given him some medicine… but after a month he felt like he could handle himself enough to wean him off of the drugs. And, well, he did, sort of. He replaced drugs with other habits that he already had, they just spiked. His relations with women, particularly.

Gabe wanted to cry.
Dane asked him if he wanted to go into the woods, for a walk. No, no he didn’t, he just wanted to go sit in a corner somewhere dark. He wanted to find a woman to come and please him, in that dark corner, never even seeing her face. That’s what he wanted. He tried to be agreeable, tried to not slip; so he shrugged and followed.

Enmity was clear from Jonathan’s unsympathetic gaze.
The hatred he felt for Gabe was at its perfect stage. How he really felt was evident and now he had the excuse to show it
. 
Gabe saw that look and paled. He had no friends. He had no allies. No one would help him. He could get himself out of this… it was possible if he wanted it. But… he didn’t really want it; not anymore.

Through the town they walked, past houses, through yards and farms, no one asking them questions, just looking concerned. Jonathan was going to have to do all the talking. All the planning. Maybe his impu
lses would get them somewhere. Gabe curled up by a large tree trunk, in between the roots.

Jonathan explained
to the crew what was going on with the depression.

“We know what this is. M
ost of us have felt that way some time or another. We know it’s called depression, too, so spare us.” Samson clarified, also clearly ticked off about something.

He
didn’t know much about May and Dane’s discoveries either.
Gabe thought.

Jonathan scoffed, “You have no idea. Trust me. It’s a chemical imbalance, we made sure the people who started again had as little mental illness in their family history as possible, which was hard to do. We put them through hundreds of tests to make sure they were mentally stable. Chances are you haven’t been to the same depths that either of us have been. Mere sadness is all you’ve faced and you just didn’t know how to deal with it. You have to have medicine for this kind of thing.”

“So why don’t you giv-”

“Why don’t I give him some of mine? Because he voluntarily got off all of his medication before we left, so he could fulfill some great moral purpose, by proving human beings were strong enough, and that we shouldn’t have to have medication. Now look at the slop.”
Even as he said that, Jonathan knew if they didn’t make decisions to start again in the next few weeks he would run out of pills and look like a similar mess.

“Man, you’re an ass.”
Miek said, looking mordantly to Jonathan. The bright humor that was usually in his eyes was gone. “As if you could ever know the things we’ve felt … as if you could measure
my
pain. What is wrong with you?” At the same time that the question was sincere, it was accusatory. Miek sighed as he looked at Gabe, then looked away toward the ground and trees behind him.

Jonathan kept
alarmingly calm.

“Is this how you knew about us? You discovered the city?” Jonathan accused.

The answer was
yes. Dane shook his head and almost laughed, “You think we can’t see what you’re thinking. Don’t be a fool. This is the first time you’ve been calm in a fight, because it’s the first time you think you might have leverage. You’re addicted to immortality, no one here is not privy to your lust, nor to your threat. Let’s just talk about this new situation. Do you have any reason to need to see the city they found?”

“Destroying it would be helpful,” then he added, “for you and for me. People will make themselves sick searching in vain for the previous inhabitants. All the people will be filled with lust for treasure of knowledge they can’t find. You are left with a
speculative and fearful nation.” He looked around through the trees as if he heard someone there. It was just Gabe.

Gabe turned himself spread eagle and had tears falling down his face.
Emotional pain was so real.

As much of a nuisance
as he was, watching him in that pain made all of them feel heavy and hollow. True, he was the only one that could get himself out of it, but surely they could help somehow.

While Jonathan spoke they all looked around the group to see if anyone would help the pathetic slop on the ground.
It seemed clear to all of them that he’d given up. Miek almost cursed himself as he gave into his sympathies, muttering and walked over to Gabe, grabbing him by the arm and pulling him up and a few yards into the jungle.

“Old,
half-baked, good for nothing, cares for nothing, biased, know-it-all, wise cracker. Look at you. Pathetic.”

___

May smiled a little to herself while watching Miek set him down several meters away to talk. Then, assuming that was taken care of, all attention was turned back to the current situation. Samson was trying to reason with Jonathan while May and Dane conversed together.