The Golden Swan (11 page)

“A crippled bird,” he said.

“Yes.” I plunged on. “Well, when Dair became a horse, that was not a falsehood or a deception. It was Dair, the horse form of Dair. It was male, as he is. It was young, as he is. I would make an old gray mare.”

“But how did he do it?” Frain pursued.

It was very difficult to explain anything to him. He thought in such stark terms, and I in far softer ones. There is a way of seeing a faint star by looking just to the side of it—but he had a mind like a sword, always darting swiftly to the point. I sighed.

“To be a creature—let us say a horse—”

Oh, and in this plodding language of his, too. It was awful, it made everything sound like blacksmithing.

“Well, to be a horse you must feel true desire to be a horse, and you must be in sympathy with the horse—a sort of liking, but more than liking—and then you must be able to let go of your human form.”

“But—you mean completely become the other thing, body, self, everything?” I think he had envisioned the process as something akin to climbing into a dead skin. I nodded.

“Your human form is your own. In the same way, any other form you take will be your own. When you change forms, your essence goes with you, just as when you die it flies and becomes spirit.”

“But—” He floundered. “But it is monstrous!” he burst out. “Changing shapes, I mean. It is—it is unnatural!”

How bound within walls he was, walls of his own making. “It is completely natural,” I said. “The goddess is a shape changer. Aene can come to us in any form.”

“But the goddess—”

He stopped, thinking. When he spoke again it was coolly and very carefully.

“Shamarra is a goddess,” he said, “and she has been changed to a night bird by Adalis. If she were to learn this shape changing, might she be able to revert to her human form? But I suppose you are going to tell me that it is a skill that can be neither learned nor taught.”

“Maybe so, Frain,” I told him. “Maybe so.”

I was oddly fond of him. Not in any lustful way, either, and that was unusual for me. But he was virgin, I could sense it, and I had known from the first that he was not for me; he was not strong enough. So I had taken to mothering him, I who had given up the only child of my own. And I hated to discourage any of his dreams, however absurd.

“It may be,” I added, “that at the Source many things are possible.”

“Maeve,” he said wearily, “I was seven years in search of one legendary land and never found it, not really, and now am I to be seven years in search of another one? How can you be so sure about this Source of yours? I am a fool for letting you lead me off like this.”

It was the first time he had admitted his doubt to me. I was honored that he trusted me enough to speak so honestly.

“What can you do but follow me?” I asked.

“Nothing.” He smiled ruefully. “I need you and Dair to help me help Shamarra. I can see that now.”

“Tell me more about this Shamarra,” I said.

So he rehearsed the tale for me again. He told it more easily every time, and more dispassionately, in a ritual way, as priests sometimes recount sacred history, as if it were a legendary account and not at all a story of living, suffering flesh, least of all his own. Shamarra had been beautiful, passionate, and she had been violated, sorely wronged by the same person who had wronged Frain, his brother whom he loved, and he seemed to assume that love of Tirell constrained Shamarra as it did him, trapped her in a river of tears perhaps, ensnared her in a net of opposed emotions as it did him, but I knew better. He was more victim than she, I suspected. Once a healer, with no longer any health to spare, tangled in a puppyish attachment, unable to see clearly or hear the word of the goddess, bound in an eternal life of callow youthfulness, crippled by anger he could not vent or resolve—he thought of himself as Shamarra's rescuer, but I felt sure he would be able to help no one until he had helped himself. And his calm words, dropped like so many lifeless stones—

Only when he spoke of Fabron, his father, did he reveal some emotion.

“He healed the beast—well, he healed Tirell, in effect, and then the power left him and he was unable to heal me. He told me I was his son—and by the time he told me I had to leave him. I think it broke his heart.” Frain's face quivered a little and he turned away from the firelight. Dair whined in sympathy and I looked on, I am afraid, with the keenest interest. Here I saw guilt as well as anger.

“You had to leave?” I prodded.

“Shamarra had left.”

“But why could you not stay with Fabron?”

I knew why well enough, but I wanted him to know. He winced away from the question.

“I had to follow Shamarra.”

It worked both for him and against him, that steadfastness of his—stubbornness, if you will. “Frain,” I said with some degree of exasperation, “Shamarra is the least of it.”

“She may be to you,” he retorted, “but not to me.”

“Listen.” I edged closer to him, closer to the fire, trying to make him hear me by virtue of sheer proximity; how had he gotten me so intent on teaching him? “Listen, Frain. It is real and true, all you say of Shamarra, but she is like one petal on a flower, one face to a standing stone, there is more to what has happened than her.”

“Such as?”

“Such as spleen! Can you not see you were furious at Tirell for what he did? And at Fabron for leading you such a dance?”

“Perhaps.” He shrugged it off. He could not deny his anger, but he would not feel it, either. “For whatever reason,” he went on dryly, “I went back to Acheron. Back to the lake where it had all begun.”

“And you saw the face in the water,” I said.

“Yes.” He shuddered violently. “Let us not speak of that, Maeve, or I'll have no sleep tonight.”

Confound him, it was the thing above all others that needed to be spoken of! But I could not do it for him. I smothered a sigh of vexation and went on.

“And Shamarra had been turned into a night bird.”

“Yes.”

“What, exactly,” I asked, “is a night bird?”

“A little, drab bird, creature of Vieyra, the hag, the death goddess. Many of them live in the Lorc Tutosel, the mountains of the night bird to the south of Vale.” The words triggered a memory; I saw the haze of it in his eyes. “Wait,” he said. “Listen.” He leaned back and recited a sort of song.

“The night bird sings

Of asphodel;

The day bird wakes

And flaps his wings

And cannot fly

And lifts the cry

O Tutosel, Ai Tutosel!

The night bird sings

Of Vieyra's spell,

Of Aftalun's

Sweet hydromel

And dark chimes of

The wild bluebell

In reaches of high Tutosel.”

There was more, about mortal's knell and the sad and flightless song of the dawn bird. Such a melancholy ditty. The fire had burned down to ashes, and there seemed to be no more that either of us could say. Dair lay not in his blanket but on it, dozing, his limbs stretched out to one side, the attitude lupine even though he was in his human form. I sat and thought of the night bird. A small, dust-colored bird with a sweet, rippling, seductive voice.

“She should be flying with the flocks of Ascalonia,” Frain burst out. He meant Shamarra, of course. I looked at him in some surprise.

“Can she not fly?”

“Yes, I suppose. But the proper form of the immortal is the swan, like the swan that always graced her lake.”

“It is late,” I said quietly. I got my blanket and swaddled myelf in it somewhat, eased myself down to the ground. My poor, stout body, it was not meant for all this walking and sleeping on stones. It ached. It longed to be something else, something strong and naked and free.… The moon was on the wax, and the wild thing or the breath of the goddess was stirring in me. The night bird flew through my thoughts.

It took a long time for Frain to go to sleep. When he was still at last, I sat up cautiously to find Dair sitting up and looking back at me. His ears twitched, listening to the night noises; human ears, they moved on his human head, and his nostrils moved as well. He smiled at me. He smiled very seldom, and I was glad, for it was a disconcerting rictus.

Shall we go together?
he asked.

“All right,” I whispered, “but we must stay close to Frain. There might be danger on the prowl for him.”

You do not have to tell me that
, he growled.

True enough, and enough of motherly nonsense. Wings flapped within my mind, and in a moment I was myself in flight, a small bird darting effortlessly upward, all aches forgotten. I perched on the high branch of a wych elm tree to look down on our campsite. A fluffy gray owl noiselessly swooped up and settled beside me.

Have you ever flown before?
I asked Dair.

No. It is delightful. Do you think we are going to be able to change back in time?

The night bird did not know and did not care. Her thoughts were dark, her nature treacherous and musical in the minor key, selfish and sad and lovely as decadence always is. The owl was a night creature also, his reputation for wisdom perhaps deserved. Dair proved less of a fool than I that night. But of that more in a moment.

We tilted our wings and fell into flight. We flew for the joy of it, circling above Frain's sleeping form, wheeling and gliding, till dawn. There is nothing like coming out of human self to refresh one. No sleep can match it. Out of self.… Frain stirred below me, and I did not care what he would think when he awoke, poor fool. To fly, just to let instinct bear one up, so easy—

So easy to die in an instant!

A falcon had appeared above me, diving down out of the dawn sky. I flashed toward the cover of an evergreen oak, but he was nearly on me, his talons reaching for my stubby tailfeathers. How had he gotten so close without my seeing him? Desperate, I plummeted to the ground and took refuge in my human form. Instead of veering off in consternation as I had expected it to, the raptor settled lightly beside me and became Dair. And he gave me that unnerving grin of his again.

“Dair, you beggar!” I exploded at him. “What do you mean! You frightened me half to death!”

What of Frain, if he had seen you?
Dair growled back.
I have hurt him enough
.

Frain sat up, startled and sleepy. He blinked as he focused on us and identified us as the source of the uproar. “What in the world?” he exclaimed. We were naked, after all.

“Nothing.” I swallowed my wrath, feeling suddenly sheepish as modesty and compunction returned to me. I reached hastily for my clothes, conscious of my thick body. “It is nothing at all, really,” I told Frain vaguely. “We were out flying.…”

“On your besom? What do you use to rub yourself with?” He got up, laughing hollowly to himself.

“Now, stop that,” I said, annoyed. “We were being birds, that is all.”

“Indeed.” He was still laughing softly, as if life were momentarily too funny for him to bear. He, earthbound with his crippled arm, he who dreamed of flight—cringing at the thought, I grew glad that he was laughing. I wondered how much anger the laughter hid.

“Do you want anything to eat?” I asked him, solicitous.

“Who could eat?” he chortled. “Let us be getting on.”

We broke camp and trudged off eastward. It was midmorning before Frain seemed entirely his sober self again and we stopped for a bite of bread.

“This Shamarra,” I said to him. “You say she is an aspect of the death goddess.”

“Yes. In a very real way I seek death.” He said it baldly, with no great drama.

“She must be rather heartless,” I ventured.

“Yes.” Oh, the things he was not telling me!

“The form of the night bird,” I said, “it suits her.”

“Yes. I know it.”

He was maddening. “Would it be too dense of me,” I inquired with some asperity, “to ask why you are not content to just let her be?”

He seemed startled by the question. “Well, she turned friendlier toward the last,” he said hesitantly.

I was losing my temper.
“Frain,
” I warned.

“I love her,” he declared.

“Frain, I could scream!” I shouted at him. “The real reason, if you please!”

He kept silence for some time. I thought at first that he was sulking, but looking at him I could see that he was thinking, struggling with truth. My ill humor vanished. I waited.

“This condition of mine,” he said softly at last.

“Yes?”

“I doomed it on myself when I set foot in her lake. The passions I felt then will not fade. They are all still mine, still and forevermore. That is why I have not been able to grow—or change—”

I gaped at him. He met my gaze quite levelly, the lines of his face tight and grim.

“But—she
let
you?” I gasped.

“She let me. She wanted a faithful pet, I think.” His words were calm and bleak. “I am in thrall,” he said.

Chapter Four

We passed out of Tokar and through some other countries and into nameless lands, until not only the boundaries of kingdoms but even the nature of the earth changed. We came to the end of forest and onto something different, some sort of upland plateau. From a high, blunt promontory at the edge of it we looked out across a muddle of rocky hills, mostly sheep pasturage, with stone-walled garths on the summits. To me the outlook was bleak. We had not run afoul of brigands, not yet; Dair had seen to that. But we were out of food, and there would be no more wild grapes to eat, and no more deer for Dair's hunting.

I fingered my modest gold necklace and sighed. By night I could be a prowling wildcat under a full moon, or the wisent with wicked curving horn, or the she-wolf, or even the witch Frain had laughingly accused me of being. But by day I was very much the woman, and I hated to barter away the jewelry my parents had left me. Still, when one is on one's way to the Source there seems little sense in holding anything back.