Read The Good Apprentice Online
Authors: Iris Murdoch
The Good Apprentice (50 page)
‘But you agree that we can help each other? Somehow, at least for that, we belong together. Don’t get lost.’
‘Yes, we can help each other. You can certainly help me. Oh my dear angel — it’s not a cheat, is it?’
‘No — I’m sure it isn’t. I feel such — such — ’
‘Don’t name it. I love you. I’m allowed to do that.’ He took both her hands and began to kiss them, putting them against his cheek and feeling the kisses like tears.
The gesture suddenly reminded him of the last time he had seen Jesse, when he had kissed Jesse’s hands, and Mother May had said ‘Leave off’, and Jesse had said, ‘I’ll dream of you’, and ‘Tomorrow’. It was tomorrow. And he had just seen, and for instants of time
forgotten
, that
terrible thing
. He sat up abruptly, his eyes glaring with distress and fear. Supposing it were real, true and Jesse were dead, drowned, and he had not saved him? Suddenly nothing in the world was more important than that he should run back to Seegard and make sure that Jesse was all right. Until he knew that everything, even the miracle of Brownie, was darkened and spoilt. If only Jesse was all right and Brownie was merciful and loving to him he could be healed. This was for real. Not what the women had been doing to him at Seegard which now seemed like a horrible charade.
forgotten
, that
terrible thing
. He sat up abruptly, his eyes glaring with distress and fear. Supposing it were real, true and Jesse were dead, drowned, and he had not saved him? Suddenly nothing in the world was more important than that he should run back to Seegard and make sure that Jesse was all right. Until he knew that everything, even the miracle of Brownie, was darkened and spoilt. If only Jesse was all right and Brownie was merciful and loving to him he could be healed. This was for real. Not what the women had been doing to him at Seegard which now seemed like a horrible charade.
‘What is it?’ she said. ‘You look like you did when you arrived. You’re sick.’
‘No. But I’ve remembered something urgent. I must go back to Seegard.’
‘Now? Can’t you wait? I feel — maybe we’ll never be like this again. I’m frightened. Don’t go.’
‘I’ve got to, Brownie. It’s terribly important otherwise I wouldn’t — I don’t want to go. We’ll be together again, of course — I’m so sorry — ’
She took her hands away and stood up. The spell was broken. ‘All right, if you must. I won’t keep you. I can see it’s important.’
‘I’m awfully sorry. Will you be here?’
‘I think as you’re going I’ll catch the bus after all, there’s still time.’
‘But we’ll meet — ’
‘Yes, of course. Before I go back to America. Don’t worry, Edward. This has been a good meeting. Perhaps we’ve done, in these few minutes, everything that is needed. Don’t worry any more about these things, just leave them quiet.’
‘Brownie, I — I’m sorry I can’t explain — I have to — ’
‘Yes, yes, go, please.’
‘Thank you, and — oh — ’ Edward ran to the door, stepped back towards her, then ran out. As he came out into the bright light he suddenly saw, quite close to him over some trees, the top of the Seegard tower. He could get there quickly after all, and perhaps get back again before Brownie went to the bus. Should he ask her to wait? The door had closed behind him. No, he couldn’t. He had done everything wrong, everything in a doomed way. There was a curse upon him which only those two could remove, and they had not yet done it. He began to run, first along the grassy railway track, then up the bank and across some slippery wet grass and over a little broken down stone wall. The mist had cleared and the sun was shining into his eyes. The tower had now disappeared from view. He ran on, confident of the direction. But Edward had missed the path along which Sarah Plowmain had led Mr and Mrs Bentley, with the torch light illuminating her heels. Soon he found himself climbing slowly through a muddy ditch full of brambles.
When at last he reached Seegard the first person he saw as he hurried into the Atrium was Mother May. She was sitting at the table and cutting lettuce leaves into long streamers with a pair of scissors and putting them.into a large wooden bowl.
‘Hello, Edward. What’s got into you?’
‘How’s Jesse?’
‘All right. Asleep.’
Edward turned and began to walk toward Transition.
‘Edward!’
‘Yes — sorry — ’
‘Come here. Sit down.’
He came and sat opposite to her at the table. Mother May regarded him with her calm long grey eyes. Then reached across and took one of his hands and pulled it towards her straightening his arm. Edward watched the movement of his arm as if it were something mechanical. Then he looked at Mother May’s handsome head, her intricately woven mass of light red-gold hair, her gentle face and humorous quizzical mouth. He realised she was pressing his hand gently. ‘Oh — Edward — ’
‘I’m sorry,’ said Edward, ‘I’m awful. I know I’ve let you all down. You’ve been marvellous to me. But I can’t do it the way you want.’
‘Do what?’
‘Change. I’m just me.’ The pressure of Mother May’s hand reminded Edward of the weird conversation in which she had said to him, can you help me, can you love me, can you love me
enough
? He had forgotten the details of that conversation. He had been drunk. She had been drunk too. Did she recall it with embarrassment? She was unembarrassed now, full of power. He gripped her hand, staring.
enough
? He had forgotten the details of that conversation. He had been drunk. She had been drunk too. Did she recall it with embarrassment? She was unembarrassed now, full of power. He gripped her hand, staring.
‘But we
have
changed you. Don’t give us up. You need us, we need you. This is your home now.’ She spoke with insistence, with authority.
have
changed you. Don’t give us up. You need us, we need you. This is your home now.’ She spoke with insistence, with authority.
‘Oh yes, I suppose it is,’ said Edward. Everywhere else was a wreck. Was it? Why not? He could not afford to throw it away. But he didn’t want to think about these things now, he wanted to be alone.
She released him. ‘Where did you go this morning?’
‘Just down the track. Along the road.’
‘You don’t look well. You’ve got a fever. You ought to be in bed.’
‘No, no — ’
‘Go to bed. I’ll bring you up some soup.’
‘No, I won’t go to bed!’
Hejumped up. His desire to be by himself was now so intense, he felt he would have thrown anyone who impeded him to the ground. He hurried away to the Transition door, and as he closed it saw Mother May looking intently after him. She called out, ‘All right then, lunch in half an hour.’ Edward fled.
Upstairs sitting on his bed he found himself remembering Sarah’s words about Brownie. ‘I went to her-’ The idea sickened him. Sarah, like an inquisitive knowing little dog, had run to Brownie, to find out, to view her desolation, to take over the task of consoling her. Of course this was unfair. But he hated the notion of Sarah with Brownie, holding Brownie’s hand, perhaps speaking of him. Jesse was all right, thank God, so why the hell had he mucked everything up with Brownie? That accursed hallucination seemed positively sent by the devil. If only he’d stayed with her, if only he hadn’t so gracelessly run away,
anything
could have happened. Everything had suddenly become so good between them. She had said that she needed him, that they belonged to each other, she was ready to give herself. Christ, they might have gone to bed together! That would have been the
event
, the miracle, the healing, the perfect thing. He could have
had
that thing, binding him to Brownie forever, she whom he wanted so much, oh so much — and he had disappointed her, chilled her, she may even have felt that he had disliked their embrace, that he was repelled by her, that he was making an excuse to get away. Oh
damn
. And now she was gone, to London, to God knows where, he hadn’t even got her address. He couldn’t go to her mother’s place anyway. I’ll go to London too, he thought, and find her and make it all right again. I’ll go to London and take Jesse and Ilona with me. But as he thought it he knew that
that
was impossible. The pain of remorse twisted round and round in his entrails, remorse about Mark, remorse about Brownie, loss of all his happiness forever, loss, loss, loss. He went down to lunch.
anything
could have happened. Everything had suddenly become so good between them. She had said that she needed him, that they belonged to each other, she was ready to give herself. Christ, they might have gone to bed together! That would have been the
event
, the miracle, the healing, the perfect thing. He could have
had
that thing, binding him to Brownie forever, she whom he wanted so much, oh so much — and he had disappointed her, chilled her, she may even have felt that he had disliked their embrace, that he was repelled by her, that he was making an excuse to get away. Oh
damn
. And now she was gone, to London, to God knows where, he hadn’t even got her address. He couldn’t go to her mother’s place anyway. I’ll go to London too, he thought, and find her and make it all right again. I’ll go to London and take Jesse and Ilona with me. But as he thought it he knew that
that
was impossible. The pain of remorse twisted round and round in his entrails, remorse about Mark, remorse about Brownie, loss of all his happiness forever, loss, loss, loss. He went down to lunch.
Lunch felt curiously artificial. No doubt it was he who was alienated and turned into an actor. Ilona was silent, avoiding his eye. Bettina and Mother May were both watching him and seemed to take it in turns to jolly him along with trivial remarks. There were silences. There was no wine. It struck Edward that no one had said a word about last night, not said any of the natural things such as: What an extraordinary business! Fancy his thinking she was Chloe! and so on. But of course these were just the things they would
not
say. Edward, partly to annoy them, said conversationally to Bettina, ‘So they all got away all right last night?’
not
say. Edward, partly to annoy them, said conversationally to Bettina, ‘So they all got away all right last night?’
‘Oh yes.’
‘And Stuart went too?’
‘Yes.’
‘Was it difficult to move the car?’
‘No, it came out at once.’
‘Stuart didn’t stay long, did he?’
‘No.’
‘What did you think of him?’
‘I’m afraid I saw very little of him.’
Edward subsided. After lunch he went up to his room. Now
that he had time to think he began to wonder about the circum stances of his brother’s departure. He searched about to see if Stuart had left him a note, then went to Stuart’s room and searched. Nothing. He sat in a chair and looked at Jesse’s disaster picture of people sitting on chairs. Then it suddenly came to him like a poisoned dart.
Is
Jesse all right? Hadn’t he better go and
see
?
Is
Jesse all right? Hadn’t he better go and
see
?
Edward ran downstairs and out of the West Selden door. He ran round the outside of Selden and into the stable courtyard and in through the Interfectory door. He tried the tower door. It was unlocked. Leaving it wide open he ran up the flights of twisting steps. Panting, he reached Jesse’s door, knocked faintly, and thrust the door open. The room was empty, so was the bathroom. Jesse had gone.
‘But you didn’t see him go out?’
‘No.’
Edward had searched the tower, then run through the rest of the house. He even went into East Selden, which was empty, and opened every door. He ran round the outside of the house. Then he began to shout. He had now gathered the three women together in the Interfectory.
Mother May and Bettina were both sitting upon the sofa and had unconsciously adopted identical postures, their hands, with fingers spread, upon their knees. Their long brown working dresses, pulled firmly down, came near to the ground. Ilona stood by the fireplace, fidgeting, shifting her feet, touching her face, patting her hair. Edward was striding up and down the room in torment.
‘Who saw him last?’
‘I suppose I did?’ said Mother May, looking at Bettina. ‘You didn’t go in?’
‘No.’
‘When was that?’
‘I’m not sure,’ said Mother May, ‘fairly early — ’
‘And he was asleep?’
‘Yes.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘No. He sometimes pretends to be asleep so as not to have to talk.’
‘What do you mean by fairly early? That was after I went out?’
‘No, before. It was before breakfast some time.’
‘Before breakfast? But you saw him again after that.’
‘No.’
‘So when I asked you how he was and you said asleep you were referring to what you saw hours ago?’
‘Yes, I decided not to disturb him.’
Edward closed his eyes and groaned. ‘Nobody saw him come down?’
‘No. As we’ve told you.’
‘Why did you leave the doors unlocked?’
‘Edward,’ said Mother May, ‘we’ve
explained
to you, Jesse is perfectly able to walk, he often goes out, he came downstairs last night, and you yourself met him that time beside the river. He is generally much better at present, as you must have noticed. We don’t always lock him in, if those doors were always locked he’d go berserk. We usually lock them at night, and at various other times, but not all the time. And we often forget. It’s not all that important.’
explained
to you, Jesse is perfectly able to walk, he often goes out, he came downstairs last night, and you yourself met him that time beside the river. He is generally much better at present, as you must have noticed. We don’t always lock him in, if those doors were always locked he’d go berserk. We usually lock them at night, and at various other times, but not all the time. And we often forget. It’s not all that important.’
‘So both the doors were open.’
‘Yes, evidently.’
‘You didn’t go up at lunch time?’
‘No.’
‘Why not?’
‘Edward, he is an invalid. He had a very disturbed night. I stayed up with him for some time. I didn’t get much sleep myself. I looked in in the early morning and I thought I’d let him sleep on. He doesn’t depend on meal times! I was just going up to see him when you started shouting at us.’
‘What’s the matter with you?’ said Bettina. ‘Why are you making such a fuss? He’ll turn up. Why are you in this state?’
‘You don’t think we should tell the police?’
‘The
police
? Are you mad?’
police
? Are you mad?’
‘You say he was disturbed,’ said Edward. ‘He should have been looked after.’
‘We’ve been looking after him for years,’ said Mother May.
‘Perhaps he’s gone to London,’ said Ilona suddenly.
‘Most unlikely!’ said Mother May. ‘He’ll just walk in. Edward, do stop this. You’re just working yourself up. Go and rest. I told you to go to bed. You’ll be delirious again if you aren’t careful. Forget about Jesse for a while. Then you’ll find he’s back again. He’s not a prisoner. You’d be the first to complain if he was!’
Bettina got up. She said to Edward, ‘I suppose you’re still upset about last night?’
‘Yes.
He
was upset.’
He
was upset.’
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