The Good Dogging Guide (3 page)

  “You’re having an affair,” she screamed.

  “No, I’m not.”

  “I don’t believe you.”

  “But I’m genuinely not having an affair,” I pleaded.

  “Then how do you explain all these pictures I found of this woman in a red dress? And you even had the cheek to bring her dress here and hide it amongst your clothes. But I found it. Once I found these pictures I knew I was on the right trail. There’s been lots of funny stuff going on behind my back recently. Some of my own dresses having been going missing, then turning back up all baggy. Has the fat trollop in those pictures been wearing them? Did you really think I wouldn’t find out?”

  It was then, out of sheer panic, frustration, or madness, I’m not sure which, that I snatched the dress out of her hand and put it on. I took a selfie in exactly the same pose that I had taken the pictures my wife had found.

  “There you go,” I said to my wife. “That’s who was in the pictures, that’s who I was having an affair with. Do you recognise them now? Well, what have you got to say?”

  But my wife said nothing. For once she was speechless.

Bonus Story

No Smoke Without Fire

By Heidi Flow © 2016

  Mary and Joy sat side by side looking dead ahead. They were on their lunch break. Limp and lacklustre sandwiches sat on their knees in buds of unfolded tinfoil. Around them dull, middle of the road music drifted up from the shop floor and invaded the small, tatty room they spent most of their lunch breaks in.

  “I’m getting fed up of him,” Joy said, looking nothing like her name implied.

  “Who?” Mary asked.

  “Who do you think?”

  “I don’t know, the prime minister, prince what’s his name, the pope?”

  “You know very well who I mean.” Joy’s eyes narrowed, but still she sat looking straight ahead.

  “No I don’t.”

  “Yes you do. I mean him.”

  “Oh him,” Mary said as the penny finally dropped. “You’re boyfriend.”

  “That’s the one. Although I don’t think he’s going to be my boyfriend much longer.”

  “Why’s that? Do you think he’s going to dump you?”

  “No,” Joy almost screamed, while her eyes nearly popped out of their sockets. She still however, did not turn to face Mary and Mary still did not turn to face her. There was a silence for a time until Joy said, “I’m going to dump him.”

  “Are you now?”

  “Yes,” Joy was adamant.

  “But I thought you said you were good together?”

  “I did, but that was then, this is now.”

  “So what’s changed? You said he had a body like a god, which he does, you said he was kind and considerate, which he seems to be and you also said he was well hung and could go on for ages, which I don’t know anything about, but I’m willing to take your word for it.”

  “He is, he’s all those things, but there’s also something else, he likes to do things.”

  “What kind of things?” Mary asked.

  “Things.”

  “Like fishing, or drinking?”

  “He likes to strip totally naked and wait on me hand and foot.”

  “The boyfriend with the body of a god wants to wait on you hand and foot and this is a bad thing?”

  “He obeys my every command.”

  “Still not a bad thing,” Mary was adamant.

  “But in between those commands he just waits there, bent over on his hands and knees.”

  “Still naked?” Mary asked, licking her lips.”

  “Totally naked. But while he’s there,” Joy stopped mid-sentence.

  “Bent over, totally naked waiting on your every command?”

  “Yes.”

  “Go on.”

  “Well, it’s what he asks me to do.”

  “What does he ask you to do?”

  For the first time in the conversation Joy moved her gaze from simply forward looking, to look left and right to check that nobody else was there or listening. “He asks me to use him.”

  “Use him?”

  “Yes, use him. As an ash tray.”

  “As an ash tray?”

  “Yes.”

  “So how does that work then?” Mary asked after a brief pause.

  “He just gets me to flick my ash on him, on his back, or on his backside. I mean, I don’t burn him or anything.”

  “Of course not.”

  “I just flick my ash on him. He can stay like that for hours on end.”

  “He must end up with quite a bit of ash on him.”

  “Pile him up with ash and he’s as happy as Larry,” Joy said.

  “Larry being your previous boyfriend?”

  “Yes, he’s as happy as him. Except Larry didn’t bend over naked on all fours while I flicked my ash on him. Oh and that’s another thing, he liked to hold my packet of cigarettes in his mouth so I could take one out when I was ready to light one up.”

  “At least he wouldn’t be able to talk through your soaps when you were watching them.”

  “Exactly. It was the perfect relationship really. He even bought all my cigarettes. I never had to put my hand in my pocket when it came to buying a pack.”

  “So what went wrong? He’s the perfect boyfriend, with the perfect body, buys you all the cigarettes you want, and doesn’t talk while you’re watching your soaps.”

  “Something went wrong, believe you and me, something went very wrong,” Joy said sadly.

  “So you say, but what?”

  “I gave up smoking and he doesn’t like it. We’ve grown apart because of it and last night I finished with him because of it.”

  “So you’ve already finished with him and you’re not getting back together?”

  “I doubt it.”

  “That’s sad,” Mary said and stood.

  “Where are you going?” Joy asked. “Lunch isn’t finished yet, there’s still twenty minutes left.”

  “I know, but I fancy nipping down the shops. I’m going to get a pack of cigarettes or two.”

  “But you don’t smoke.”

  “I didn’t do, but I fancy taking it up. Everybody has got to have a hobby. By the way, what’s your boyfriend, or rather ex boyfriend’s number?”

Bonus

The first chapter of Her First Time Dogging by Heidi Flow

Chapter One

  Any marriage can get boring; we all need a little spice now and then, no matter how we might try to deny it to ourselves and others. For a good few years my wife and I were happy to kid ourselves along that everything was just fine and peachy. But it wasn’t fine and it wasn’t peachy, far from it. We were stuck in the never ending grind of work and bill paying, with no time for anything good or each other. Something had to change, and in the end it did change, quite radically.

  The first part of our change came in the form of our mortgage. Rising interest rates meant we couldn’t pay it. Or at least we couldn’t pay it without maxing out our credit cards and then getting new credit cards, to help us keep up with the debt on the first credit cards. It was a never ending circle of debt and despair no matter how hard we worked. And then there was the boredom, the never ending tedious, gut wrenching boredom.

  The second part of the change came into play when I picked up some extra work as a security guard on nights. I was already working all the hours I could in my day job, so a night job was neither healthy nor sane, but a necessity none the less. I managed to squeeze in a hardly ample four hours sleep after the trek home from my day job before my night work started. The sad state of affairs was because of this I didn’t see my wife at all, but at least the bills were getting paid and without the aid of credit cards. The funny thing is, while I was away doing my nights, my wife and I actually started talking again, I mean real talking, just for the fun of it, not talking about work, the mortgage or bills, but just talking for the pleasure between two people, just like it used to be before the sludge of everyday life began to grind our gears down.

  “There’s nothing on the television,” my wife said as we spoke over the mobile phone.

  “At least you’ve got a television to watch,” I replied. “The only thing I’ve got to look at is the rows of monitors where I sit watching the outside world go by.”

  “And what is the outside world like over there?”

  “The same as it is six miles away back home where you are, pretty boring,” I replied.

  “I wish you were here with me now.”

  “I wish I was there with you now.”

  “I find it hard to sleep in the house alone,” she said.

  “I’m finding it hard to keep my eyes open.” I laughed.

  “Maybe you could get forty winks on the job?”

  “It wouldn’t be worth it. There are cameras all over this place, inside and out. No doubt there is someone somewhere watching me on a monitor as I watch other people on this monitor. Not that there’s many people about.”

  “How many people are about out there this time of night?”

  “None.”

  “None?”

  “What did you expect? It’s the witching hour and this place is smack bang in the middle of nowhere, in the cold countryside.”

  “You’re exaggerating,” my wife said. “It’s not cold at all. It’s the height of summer and it’s boiling.”

  “Everything just looks so cold on these monitor screens,” I sighed.

  “What can you see?”

  “Trees, more trees and yet more trees. Oh and a few bushes.”

  “And that’s all you can see?”

  “That’s about the sum of it. That and a small car park with no cars apart from mine, because everybody is at home apart from me.”

  “I wish you were at home.”

  “So you’ve already told me, but it’s always nice to hear, no matter how many times you say it.”

  “I’ll say it again then, I wish you were at home with me.”

  “You should get some sleep.”

  “Are you trying to chase me off the phone?”

  “No, of course not.”

  “You’ve not got another woman there with you have you?”

  “No,” I quickly replied as I began to wonder if she really did think that.

  “I’m only teasing.”

  “I know. Have you got another woman there with you?” I teased back.

  “Would you like it if I had?”

  “I’m not answering that question. It’s a trap.”

  “Come on; play fair, you’ve got to answer the question. Yes or no, would you like me to play with another woman? Would it float your boat?”

  “Here’s a question for you first. You answer it honestly and then I’ll answer your question honestly. Would you like to play with another woman?”

  “If I’m answering honestly.”

  “It’s honesty that counts,” I insisted.

  “Then I’d say, maybe.”

  “That’s a yes then,” I said.

  “It’s a maybe.”

  “A maybe is as good as a yes in this instance,” I proclaimed.

  “Says you.”

  “I think you’ll find most people would view it the same way.”

  “Fair enough,” she agreed. “But you’ve not answered my question.”

  “Okay, I’ll answer it right now. The answer is the same one you gave, maybe.”

  “And if we’re playing by your rules that maybe means yes.”

  “If you like,” I said, not wishing to commit any further.

  “Your rules state maybe as a yes, so a definite yes it is then.”

  “If you say so,” I said and laughed.

  “No, you say so. They’re your rules.”

  “Wait a second, there’s something happening outside.” I put my mobile phone down and concentrated on the monitor which showed a car pulling up outside, in front of a highly wooded area.

  “What’s going on?” My wife’s voice drifted up from the desk.

  “I’m just putting you on speaker phone,” I replied. “A car has just pulled up. It could be fly tippers. They’re one of the things I’ve got to keep an eye out for.”

  “How many of them are there? You’re not going to confront them are you?”

  “I can’t tell how many of them there are, they’ve not got out of the car. And no, I’m not going to confront them. I can take their registration plate from here. The cameras are on constant record so I’ll have all the evidence. All I’ll need to do is ring the police as soon as they start dumping stuff.”

  There was a momentary silence as I concentrated on watching the car.

  “What’s happening now?”

  “Still nothing,” I replied. “Wait a second, there’s another car pulling up.”

  “Perhaps you should ring the police now?”

  “What for? They haven’t done anything wrong.”