The Great Christmas Breakup (20 page)

He grabbed me and pulled my hair back so that his mouth was up against my ear.

‘I had you prepped for a threesome
with a minxy little tranny I know,
and
some light bondage.
Why do you think I sought you out?
Bet you’d like to feel my hand on your chubby ass, hah?’

Oh god, he was one of
those.
The
freaks you hear about when your
friends go online dating.

The ones that drag you into the boot of their car and chop yo
u up into a million tiny pieces if you don’t comply.

Or even if you do comply.

‘Look, Robert. The windows will be finished in a few days. Let’s just keep it professional, shall we?’

Sc
arily, he didn’t say a word. Instead, he walk into
Chocolato.

He wouldn’t tell his friend not to pay me, would he?

No, that would be completely unprofessional. The owner of
Chocolato,
whoever he was
, wo
uld discover what a creep his banker was
if he did that.

Not even
a sexual miscreant like
Robert
woul
d be
mad
enough to lose a client over sex
, would he?

*

Capping off the day in
inimitable
style,
Hammertro and Cecily 2
were
going at
it agai
nst the wall in the living room
when I walked in
at seven
.
It was like watching someone drilling a nail with a misfiring drill.

A drill of extremely low voltage.

‘What the hell is going on?’

Hammertro’s fairish afro was squashed to one side. ‘Oh, hey Mrs T. Sorry about this, you see . . .’

I really didn’t want to see.

I opened my mouth to tell
them to pack it in but Cecily 2
had loc
ked back onto Hammertro’s lips and was encouraging him to continue.

‘Cecily 2! This is my home!
Stop it right now!
’

‘I wouldn’t boast about this place
, honey,’ she said, her voice loud despite being covered by her lover’s
mouth
.

Wondering whether I could mount a defence of familial aggravation if I murdered them both, I was about to get some ice-cold
water from the fridge to
kill off Hammertro’s enthusiasm, when someone called my name.

‘What?’ 

‘Mum?’

Jessie.

I backed out into the hall. Surely Jessie and J hadn’
t seen the porno spectacle.
But our flat was tiny
, how could they not have seen it?

I was going to kill Carson. It
was his sister, and his problem. He should be here, dealing with it.

My daughter was standing by the door to her bedroom.

‘I said it’s Grandma,’ Jessie held
out the phone.

Looking back through the living room
door,
I stared
fiercely
at Hammertro and Cecily 2, who
still hadn’t
bother
ed
covering up.

‘Tell her I will call her back.’

I
f she hadn’t already, I
didn’t want my daughter com
ing in and seeing the
revolting sight
– it would permanently scar her.

Just like it had me.

Jessie could be heard rel
a
ying my mes
sage, then she called out again,
‘She can’t call back, she’s not at home.’

Oh no. Now something’s happened to Mum
!

‘What? Where is she?’ Thoughts of hospitals and
death and accidents flooded
my brain.

I heard Jessie ask.

‘At the international shipping terminal.
Here. In New York.
She came on the Queen Mary 2. A surprise!’

Despite my daughter’s obvious excitement at seeing a grandmother she’d only ever met on Skype, I felt ill.

H
ow much more I coul
d take before I had a complete breakdown?

‘She wants to be picked up,’ Jessie called. ‘Said she can’t wait for a ride in your
new
BMW.’

Hammertro
came into the hall, pulling up his trousers.
‘That old bomb downstairs ain’t no BMW.’

‘Tell Gran to hang on a minute
,’ I told Jessie.

Turning to my neighbor, I pointed at the door. Then I
informed Cecily 2 that she had to leave, immediately.

‘What? But I’ve still got another week of work. You promised.’

That was it! How dare she railroad me into putting up with her foul antics so
that
she could save on a hotel.

‘No, I didn’t. You invited yourself.
You’ve been here long enough.
Now gather your things
and leave.’

‘Mom is gonna
be mad,
’
she yelled.

‘Ooh seeexy,’ Hammertro’s silver tongue murmured, as his hand inched towards Cecily 2’s nether regions.

‘Hammertro, I am terribly sorry, but I have children in the hou
se. You need to
leave
right now
. Perhaps Cecily 2 could stay at yours?’

He shot to
wards
the door at that suggestion
, suddenly eager to leave.
‘What? No, I got no room!
’

Cecily 2’s evil glare
turned on him. ‘You said you loved me. Yo
u can’t even find space in your
flat for me for
one short
week?’

Caught out, Hammertro did what any young man in his position would do.

He
ran.

‘Hamma-to,’ Cecily 2 cried, running after him.

I quickly ran over and closed the front door. Good riddance.

‘Mum, are you going to pick Grandma up or not?’ Jessie called.

I waited a moment, but no.

No conveniently timed nervous breakdown.

‘Ask her to take a town car. I’ll pay for it.’

The town car was going to cost a week’s worth of groceries.

I hoped Mum wouldn’t mind
canned
beans every night of her stay.

Which is when it hit me.

How long did she plan to stay?

And how was I go
ing to explain all the
lies
I told her
?

Fourteen years’ worth
of them.

*

As I raced about, trying to tidy up our hovel as best as I could before
Mum
arrived, my phone indicated I had a text. Robert.

The job is off. You can keep the deposit.

Bastard!
After all the work I’d done.
Well he wasn’t going to get away with it.
Pressing keys frantically, I let him have it.

I’ll just ask the owner of
Chocolato
for the money. All the managers can vouch for the work I’ve done.

There was no reply. Quickly, frantically, I dialed up the downtown
Chocolato
and asked to speak to the owner.

‘Oh, it that Scarlet?’ The snooty
pencil-like
manager from Shop One sounded pleasant enough. ‘We can’t wait for you to put the
finishing touches on the windows
– have you got everything you need now?’

‘Actually, I need a contact number for the owner. Financial stuff.’

‘But you must have his number?’ The man sounded confused.

‘Must I? Why?’

‘Because you’re always having lunch with Mr Simpson. I figured you
and he
are friends.’

‘Mr Simpson owns
Chocolato
?’ The horrible truth of what Robert had been up to was now apparent.

‘Yes. Of course, now, if there is nothing else . . .’

Saying thanks I hung up.

The job was over.

And I had nothing to show for it.

I’d given
up my job at Flindes.

I’d spent most of the thousand dollar advance on materials.

And my mother was about to arrive and discover
that
her daughter was a pathological liar.

Joy.

*

Mum trudged up the stairs behind me. ‘This isn’t what I imagined, Scarlet.
Where is the porter you told me about?
’

I hated the sound of disappointment in her voice.

‘
We, um, moved.
It’s a marvelous investment Mum. Brooklyn prices are rising – and we are only moments from Manhattan.’

Then H
ammertro started up his latest composition
:
My girl
like
s it doggie style
,
and Mum shook her head. ‘
A bit h
ard to believe, dear.
Isn’t America funny?
’

She didn’t know the half of it!

Inside the apartment, we were greeted by the loud g
uffaws of Cecily 2
.

She was back.

Why, God? Why?

Jessie and J had done their best to
tidy
up
too
, but evicting Cecily 2
was beyond their capabilities, and
their aunt stood
in her faux leather micro mini, arms crossed, in the centre of the living room, ready to continue to fight me for her accommodation.

I noticed s
he
had her fists clenched,
she was
actually
planning to
fight m
e.

What a welcome for Mum.

After giving both the kids a huge hug,
passing over numerous gifts
and declaring them to be the most beautiful grandchildren on earth, Mum turned to Cecily 2, who hadn’t budged.
‘Oh,
who is this, then?’ Mum looked a little frightened. ‘Your cleaner?’

‘I ain’t no fuckin’ cleana
,’ Ceci
ly 2 yelled, unclenching her fist to wave her arm around in front of her, talk show style.
‘Who the fuck are you?’

‘Yeah, you dirty baby,’ Hammertro offered illogically, appearing at the door.

Now Mum looked a lot frightened.

‘I thought you’d shot through,’ I said to him.

My neighbor shrugged. ‘Can’t keep
away from my Ce-ce.’
His eyes were shifty again – he’d obviously had a lot to do with Cecily 2’s renewed presence in my home.

‘Oh, is this your husband, dear?’ Mum asked Cecily 2.

‘No,’ everyone in the room said, in unison.

Jessie
took Mum by the arm and led her towards their bedrooms. ‘Let’s show you all our stuff, Gran,’ Jessie said.

The girl was a saint.

Mum complied quick
ly. T
he
pounding
guilt I felt
as she
conside
red the scene  questioningly was
too much to bear.

Mum hadn’t even discovered I was a college dropout with no degree and no proper job and no talent.

To say nothing of the fact that Carson was not a lawyer but a teacher.

The door closed on my mother and children.

Right
.

‘Get out,’ I said to Cecily 2, the moment
we had the living room to ourselves again
.

Cecily 2 wasn’t having it.
‘You listen to me, you–‘

But I wasn’t having any it either.
‘No, this time you listen to me. Although you are a sub
-
human ex
cuse for a mother and a wife
, you cannot deny you have responsibilities. If you don’t go home immediately, I will tell Rufus and Cecily exactly what you’ve been up to with Hammertro.’