The Harder I Fall (2 page)

This was someone who wanted to know me, wanted to be my friend. It was sad that this was such a foreign concept to me. No one in my high school would give me the time of day. The only person who had told me I was special was my dance teacher. She had spent a lot of extra time with me, helping me hone my skills.

Everyone knew about me and my family. I was branded the second my dad did what he did, and that was the end of it. People thought I was crazy, so I was. People thought I was a druggie or a slut, so in their minds, that’s exactly what I was. I guess it was partly my fault, though; I never bothered to correct them.

“There’s a party on our floor tonight; want to go?” Sadie smiled at me expectantly.

“Um, sure, that sounds fun.” I tried to make my voice sound more confident.

Sadie spent the next hour telling me everything there was to know about her. I now knew all about the small town she was from in Northern California, and about her two brothers, and her parents. Also, how sad she was to leave her best friend, Cami, to come to school. She showed me picture after picture of everything and everyone important to her.

“Don’t worry, there won’t be a quiz after this.” She winked at me. In that moment, I knew we would be friends.

We wandered around campus together for a while, trying to see where all of our classes were. I was also trying to scope out a place to dance. I wasn’t at all sure they had a studio here, so I would have to make do with what I could find.

“Okay, what’s next?” Sadie looked at her list of classes and held up a map of the campus.

“Please tell me you aren’t going to use that when school actually starts.”

“Why wouldn’t I? I don’t want to get lost. Look, those guys have one out, too.” She pointed to a group of guys all huddled around a map just like the one Sadie had.

“I see your point.” I laughed. “Do they have a dance studio?” I peered over the map.

“Oh, so now it’s not such a terrible thing to have the map, is it?” She giggled and searched the tiny buildings. “There.” She jabbed her finger on the paper. “Come on, it’s this way.” She grabbed my hand and dragged me along with her.

The studio was beautiful, all gleaming hard wood and mirrors. I sighed as I walked around the room, imagining myself dancing.

“How long have you been a dancer?” Sadie asked, leaning against the doorjamb.

I tensed, not wanting to share that part of myself yet. “A while.”

She narrowed her eyes, but didn’t ask more. I wanted to stay, but I let Sadie lead me out a few minutes later.

We walked for a while longer before going back to our room. I was exhausted and I wanted a nap before we went to the party.

“Do you mind if I grab a quick nap? I’m dead on my feet from the past couple of days.”

“Sure, you go ahead. I’m going to decorate the common room.” She smiled and left me to myself. We shared the common room with another two girls, who would be our suitemates, but we hadn’t met them yet.

As if on cue there was a loud banging noise at the door and a tall blonde walked into the room laden with bags, followed by an older couple I assumed were her parents. Looked like my nap would have to wait.

“Hi,” she said, her cheeks flushing.

“I’m Sadie, and this is Becca.” Sadie bounced with excitement.

“I’m Layla.” She smiled shyly. “Which room am I in?”

Sadie pointed to the other door. “You’re in that one. We haven’t met your roomie yet.”

Layla and her parents unloaded all of her things into the room while Sadie and I went back into our room. “Do you think it’s bad that we didn’t offer to help?” Sadie bit her lip.

I laughed. “No, we just unpacked all of our things already. I think they get it.”

“What are you going to wear tonight? I want to make a good impression, you know?” She was already heading to the closet.

“This? I don’t know.” I looked down and my worn jeans and green t shirt.

“Becca, you are so not wearing that tonight. Here, try this.” She tossed a short black skirt and tight pink tank at me.

“Sadie, you can’t be serious. We don’t know each other that well, so I’ll let the pink tank top slide this time. I don’t do short, and I never do pink.”

“Okay, filing that info away. So what do you wear then if not pink or short?”

“Black and long.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, I don’t really go out a lot, and I’m really just a jeans and t shirt kind of girl.” I shrugged, feeling uncomfortable.

“That isn't going to fly with me as your new best friend.” She rummaged in her drawers for a few minutes and came back with something more acceptable. A black tank that had bronze studs covering the back. “You can even wear your jeans.”

She tossed me the tank, and I turned around and slipped my shirt off to put it on. It was for sure tighter than any shirt I normally would wear, but it looked nice. “Thanks.”

“It looks better on you than me.” She studied me. I felt a rush of emotion; no one ever complimented me. My mom was not exactly the warm and fuzzy type. She was more the criticize and hate type.

“I’ll be back in a bit. I need some air.” I grabbed my sweater from the bed and rushed out of the room.
Great, now she’s going to think I’m horrible.
My thoughts were jumbled, and none of them were good.

Sadie was putting on the finishing touches to her makeup when I got back an hour later. “Hey, where’d you run off to?”

“Just went for a walk.”

“You okay?” She turned to look at me.

“Yeah, sorry. My life has not been what you would call easy. I’m not used to people being nice to me. It’s just going to take me a bit to get used to it.”

“It’s cool.” Sadie smiled brightly. “Now, let’s get you ready.”

It was full dark when we came out of the room. Layla was just saying goodbye to her parents, and another girl with blonde hair and warm brown eyes was coming out of their shared room.
Must be the other roommate.

“Hi, I’m Melissa, but everyone calls me Mel.” She smiled.

“Hey, I’m Sadie, and this is Becca. Want to come with us to the party?”

“Where is it?” Layla asked, finally shutting the door and joining us.

“Here somewhere. It’s sort of a floor party.” Sadie shrugged.

“Give me ten minutes?” Mel asked, already backing toward her room. Layla followed suit and went to get ready.

“They seem nice,” Sadie remarked. “Looks like this year is going to be great!”

Her enthusiasm was refreshing. I found myself excited about what was to come.

S
ADIE LED THE WAY, AND
Mel, Layla, and I followed behind her like it was the norm. People were spilled out into the halls and common areas. Red Solo cups were in hands, scattered on tables, and lining the hallway.

“Let’s go get something to drink. I think I heard someone say there was a keg,” Sadie announced.

A keg?
I felt my stomach tie itself in knots. Alcohol made me nervous; I had seen too many times just what it could do to a person if they let it. Layla looked just as nervous as I felt, and for some reason, that made me feel better. I guess I wasn’t the only one who was new to all of this.

I know a lot of kids did the keg parties in high school, but I wasn’t one of them. I preferred to dance; any spare moment I had in between taking care of my younger brother, Chad, and working an after school job, was spent in pointe shoes on a hardwood floor.

“Here, everyone take a cup.” Sadie handed them out.

I shook my head. “None for me, thanks.”

“Oh, come on, live a little. This is your first night; have some fun.”

“Really, I’m okay.” She shrugged and passed drinks to the other girls. Layla looked uncertain, but she took the cup anyway.

This was so not my scene, too many people on their way to being drunk. I walked with the other girls through the maze of people, half zoned out, thinking about nothing in particular. I really must not have been paying attention, because I walked straight into someone, spilling his beer all over both of us.

“Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry.” I looked up at him for the first time. I could feel the beer dripping down my arms, my shirt was soaked through

“Hey, no problem.” He smiled at me. His mocha eyes drew me in. “I’m Levi, and this is my buddy, Julian.” He gestured to the blond guy next to him.

“Becca. Sorry again. I was zoned out and not paying attention.” I could feel my cheeks flushing.

“Hi, I’m Sadie, Becca’s roommate.” She smiled brightly at Levi.

Levi smiled at her, but he didn’t stop looking at me. “I’m going to go change. Becca, can I walk you to your room?”

“Um... sure, I guess. You don't have to, though. I’m fine to go by myself...” I was nervous beyond all belief.

“No, I’ll walk you.”

Sadie shot me a look that said she was not happy about the situation, but she didn’t comment.

Levi followed me back the way I had just come and we ended up in front of my dorm room. “This is me.”

“I’ll meet you back here in a few minutes? I’m just down the hall.” He ran off before I could say anything in response.

I went and rummaged through my dresser, knowing full well that I didn’t have anything cute to wear to a party. I settled on a purple tank top that was tighter than most of my tops, but not as tight as the one that was currently soaked in beer. I contemplated not going back to the party and just changing into pajamas. I was all set to stay home when someone knocked on the door.

I opened it and Levi was standing on the other side. He was seriously hot, and not at all what I needed right now. He was tall. I was not short by any means at 5’9,” but he was at least four inches taller than me. His hair was dark brown, and in that messy style guys our age always wore.

“You ready?” He smiled at me.

“Yeah.” I sighed and stepped back out into the hall with him. He gave me a look, but didn’t say anything. We found everyone else piled onto some couches in one of the common rooms.

Layla looked slightly miserable. I could tell right away that she and I would get along great as she would not be dragging me to parties in the future. Mel was flirting with Julian, who seemed to be enjoying the attention. Sadie was sitting by herself, looking irritated, but her whole face lit up when she saw us approach.

“Hey, Levi, I saved you a seat.” She patted the brown couch cushion next to her. He slid next to her and motioned for me to join them. Sadie shot me a look that clearly said not to, so I sat next to Layla instead. I should be pissed off. What if I had been interested in Levi? Would I have been expected to just step aside?
But I’m not interested in starting anything with Levi, or anyone else.

So there we were, Layla and I completely miserable, and the other two in hot guy heaven, flirting their brains out.

After another thirty minutes of people watching and listening to the girls shamelessly flirt, I turned to Layla. “Want to go?”

“Very much, yes.”

I stood and announced that we were leaving.

“Aw, you should stay, it’s still early.” Sadie pouted.

“I’m tired, it’s been a long day, and I just want to get some sleep.”

“Me, too,” Layla chimed in.

We wandered back to our room, stepping over people sitting in groups on the floor against the hallway walls.

“So the party scene isn’t for you, either?” I asked Layla as we walked.

“No, not really. I’m more into my books and the library than boys and beer. What’s your excuse?” She smiled and pushed her bangs out of her eyes.

“Not much for alcohol of any kind, and as for boys, I have no time for them. I have too much I want to accomplish; a relationship will only slow me down.”

“Maybe we should switch rooms. It sounds like we’re on the same page.” She laughed.

“I think having Sadie and Mel will be good for us, maybe force us out of the library every now and again.”

We went our separate ways, me to my room and Layla to hers. I grabbed a quick shower before bed, was not in the mood to sleep with the smell of beer on me.

Sadie was in the room when I came back in. “You’re home early,” I remarked.

“Yeah, Levi and Julian left a little bit after you and Layla.” She frowned.

“Sorry.”

“It’s fine. I’ll see him around, I’m sure.”

“Yeah, he lives in the dorm, so I’m sure you’ll see him all the time.”

“That’s right; they do live here!” She perked up a bit. “He was hot, and so was his friend, Julian. Don’t you think?”

I shrugged. “I guess.”

“What do you mean, you guess? They were total hotties.”

“I don’t have time for boys; they’re too much trouble.”

“Oh, Becca, I have so much to teach you,” she said.

T
HE EXQUISITE PLEASURE OF PAIN
. That is how I would describe dancing in pointe shoes. When I tie them on, I feel invincible, like nothing can touch me. I am me, nothing else. I am flying, gliding across the floor. I am free.

It was the third day in a row that I’d gone into the studio to dance early in the morning. I had met the instructor the day after coming to school and she’d invited me to take part in a few of her classes. She had been impressed enough to offer me the use of the studio before classes any day I wanted it. I had graciously accepted her offer; dancing kept me sane.