The Harder I Fall (20 page)

“You never have to ask, Becca; it’s what friends do.” He dropped a kiss on my forehead. “How are you? Are you okay?”

“I will be once this is over.”

“He wanted to come…” he whispered. My heart stopped for a moment. “I told him it was a bad idea. You don’t need that on top of this.”

I nodded. I did need him, though, more than I ever had needed him before. Part of me wished that he hadn’t listened to Julian and had come anyway.

We all filed into the small room they used for the funerals. As I thought, we were the only ones there. It should have made me sad that no one loved her enough to show up to her funeral, but it didn’t.

“Would anyone like to say a few words?” the funeral director asked.

“No.” I shook my head and gripped Chad’s hand in my own.

The service was short. He spoke of her love for her children; obviously he hadn’t known her personally. We were led out behind the building to where the cemetery was. Chad and I huddled under a big umbrella as we walked together.

“Holding up okay?” I asked him.

“I guess.” He shrugged, but he didn’t say anything else.

At the gravesite, we all stood and watched as they lowered the coffin into the ground. In my head, I thought of Frannie’s funeral. That was the last time I had been here. I remember crying so hard, and Chad and I clinging to each other as June, our neighbor, stood next to us. My mom had stood on the other side of the grave from us, dry-eyed.

Chad broke down as they lowered the coffin all the way into the ground. I wished I could take his pain away. I hugged him, because there wasn’t anything else I could do for him. As we drove away, part of me was relieved. I could finally close this chapter of my life, and maybe let go of some of the anger I had been holding inside for so long.

Back at the hotel, we packed up in silence. Sadie was giving me my space and I was thankful for it. I couldn’t bear to talk about it anymore. I just wanted to forget.

Chad barely said a word on the flight back. I wanted to give him his space to deal with this the way he needed to, but I needed to know that he was okay. I couldn’t go back to school until I knew he was going to be all right.

“Hey,” I plopped down into the chair next to him.

“Hey.” He stared out the window, not looking at me.

“How are you doing with this?” I asked.

“I don’t know. Not that great, I guess. I feel bad that I’ll never be able to make things right with her.”

“I know you do, but you always did everything you could for her. You went to jail to help her, Chad. Don’t let this eat you up. I want you to live your life free from regret.”

“Will you?” he asked. “Will you lead your life free from regret?”

“What do you mean?”

“Frannie. You have to stop blaming yourself for that.”

“I don't. Not anymore.”

“Do you mean that?”

“Mostly.” I have him a weak smile.

“She was our mom, Becca.”

“I know who she was. I don't think she did, though.”

“Give me some time, all right?” he pleaded. “I need to work through this.”

“I just want you to be okay.”

“I will be, just not yet.” I nodded and went to sit with Sadie and Julian while they were watching a movie.

After Ruth dropped us off at school, I went out for a walk. I needed some time without someone watching me. I loved Sadie and Julian for being there for me, but space was what I needed most at the moment. Levi was walking toward me on the walkway by the dorms. He smiled grimly.

“Hi.”

“Hey,” I mumbled.

“Julian told me what happened. How are you? How’s Chad?”

“I’ll be okay. Chad’s taking it harder.” God, I wanted him to hug me. I wanted to feel safe and secure again.

“Are you, though? Are you okay?” He stepped closer.

I shook my head, feeling the tears come. “I should be, but being back there…”

“I know.” He took my hand and pulled me to him, enfolding me into his arms.

“Levi...”

“Shhh, don’t right now. Just let me hold you for a minute.”

“Won’t your girlfriend be upset that you’re doing this?” I asked.

“Don’t worry about her,” he murmured, smoothing my hair with his hand. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you needed me.”

“You’re not allowed to say things like that.” I stepped out of his embrace, feeling guilty that I had let him hug me to begin with.

“We were friends before, Becca. Can’t we be friends now?”

“No. We can’t be friends. We can't ever be friends.”

“Why not?” he asked.

“Really? We’re having this conversation right now? My mom just died, Levi. She hasn’t been in the ground for ten hours. And you want to talk about why we can’t be friends? Because my heart is still broken, and I can't even look at you without hurting.”

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“No, you shouldn’t have. Excuse me, please.” I walked away from him, feeling completely wrecked. I had nowhere else to go, so I just went back to the dorm. Sadie and Julian were inside talking.

“What happened?” Sadie asked when she saw my face.

“Nothing. I saw Levi.”

Julian frowned, “I told him to leave you alone for a while. I’m seeing he didn’t listen.”

“No. He didn’t. I think he will now, though.”

“What did he say?” Sadie asked.

“He wanted to know why we couldn’t be friends again. So I told him why. I think he finally gets it.”

“I’m really sorry. I had hoped he would have more sense than to spring that on you now.” Julian frowned again.

“I’m going to go to bed.”

“It’s only 7:00. Are you sure you don’t want some dinner first?”

I shook my head and went into my room and cried myself to sleep.

I
WAS A GHOST, BARELY
alive. It had been three months since Levi and I had broken up, and I still felt it. Sadie had been bugging me to eat more, but I couldn't seem to make myself care. “You’re too thin, Becca. You need to eat more if you’re going to keep dancing so much.” She looked worried.

Dancing was all I had. Nothing else mattered anymore. I knew I was depressed, but I couldn't seem to do anything about it. “I’m fine. Don’t worry about me.” I grabbed my pointe shoes from the door handle and left before she could say anything else.

When I got to the studio, I put on my music and did my warm-up positions and then stretched out on the floor. I twirled on the floor, my leg high above my waist. I leapt, twisted, and turned. I was ballet put to life. My pain poured out of me, and I pushed myself harder, further. I used my emotion to create something beautiful. I hadn’t even realized I was crying until the tears fell on my chest. I finally stopped and fell on the floor, sobbing. I needed this to stop. I couldn't live like this anymore.

I grabbed my bag and notebook and started writing the letter I should have sent months ago.

Levi,

I should have said this months ago. When you asked me if I loved you, I should have told you yes. I love you. I loved you then, but I was too stupid to admit it. I’ve never done anything the easy way. Now that I’ve lost you, I can see what we had for what it was. The best thing in my life. There’s nothing I can say that will make you love me again, and that’s okay. I just had to tell you, at least once, that you own my heart.

I hope that you find the love you are looking for. You deserve more than happiness. You taught me that who I am is more important than where I came from and I will forever be grateful for every second of time we spent together. Don't be sorry about any of it. I’m not.

All my love,

Becca

I folded it up and ran back to the dorms. Julian was coming out of their room and I gave him the note. “Will you give that to Levi?”

“Yeah.” He looked at me with an odd expression. “You okay?”

“I think so, yes.” I kissed his cheek. “You’ve been a great friend during all of this. Thank you.”

He blushed. “Come on. Like I was going to let it get weird between us. Sadie would have kicked my ass.”

“She totally would have. But it’s more than that. I never expected you to come to my mom’s funeral, and I never really thanked you for your love and support. You really are an amazing guy.”

“Friendship means going even when you know you aren't expected to. There was no other option for me. You needed me, so I was there.” He shrugged.

“I’ll never forget that, Julian. I mean it. You are one of the good ones.”

We talked for a few more minutes and I left to go back to the ballet studio. With a clear mind for the first time in months, I could finally focus. I ran through my routine for my Joffrey audition twice from start to finish before stopping. It felt so good to dance without sadness. I knew I was still in bad shape, but this was a step in the right direction.

When I got back to the dorm, Sadie and Mel were getting ready for a party.

“Hey, can I come?” I asked.

Sadie looked up at me from where she was sitting. “Really?”

“Yeah, I need to get out of this room for a while. I haven't done anything fun in forever.”

“Yay! Becca, I’m so happy to hear you say that. Come on, let’s find something for you to wear.” She dragged me off to the closet and started throwing clothes out at me to try on.

“So, Julian told me you wrote Levi a letter?” she asked cautiously.

“Yeah, I need to move past all of it. The letter was my way of doing it.”

“Aw, honey, I’m so happy you’re finally going to move on. I was really worried about you.”

“I know you were, and I’m really sorry,” I said. “I didn't realize it had gotten so bad. I’m going to be better about being present in my life again.”

“So this is sort of a ‘Becca’s reborn’ sort of night?” She grinned.

“Something like that. Just promise me you won’t fully make me look like a slut tonight.”

“No deal. You get what you get, baby girl. Now go try on this dress. I think it’s going to look killer on you.” She tossed a dark green dress at me.

“You've got to be kidding me.” I stepped out in the “dress” in question. It was barely long enough to even be called that. It looked more like a long shirt.

“You are so wearing that!” she said.

“Oh no, I am so not. I feel like you can see everything, and I know you will if I bend over.”

“So don’t bend over. You’re wearing it; it’s settled.”

“Fine, but at least let me wear flats or sandals with it.”

“No dice. A dress like that needs heels.”

“I’m not going to win, am I?” I asked.

“Nope, so you can stop pretending to argue.”

I shrugged and sat in the chair next to her own personal makeup studio and let her get to work.

The three of us emerged into the twilight looking like we were ready to get into some trouble. Sadie had put a ton of makeup on me, but I had to admit it looked good. Mel was in a tight red mini-dress with black heels, and Sadie was wearing an electric blue one-shouldered dress that made her legs look fantastic.

“Come on, ladies. Our destiny is waiting.” Mel laughed and we all linked hands to walk across campus to the party. It had been so long since I had let myself have fun and enjoy life. It felt really good to be out with them. The party was insane, of course. People filled every available space in the frat house.

“Want a beer?” Sadie asked me.

“No, but thanks for asking.” She knew I would never say yes, but I could tell she just wanted me to loosen up and have some fun tonight.

I watched as Mel and Sadie played beer pong with a couple of guys, and laughed hysterically when they won. “Boys, I think we’ve been hustled,” one of the guys slurred as they sauntered away.

“How did you get so good at beer pong?” I asked.

“Lots of practice. Mel and I are the reigning champs.”

“How did I not know this?” I giggled.

“You’ve been a bit preoccupied.”

“That’s putting it mildly.” I smiled wryly. “Is Julian coming?”

“No, he’s got a test he’s studying for. But I may get drunk and try and get lucky when we get back.” She wiggled her eyebrows suggestively.

I steered Sadie towards a group of people by the couches after she had gotten her buzz on so I could keep an eye on her and make sure she didn't hurt herself.

“Hey.” I turned to find a good looking blond guy with blue eyes smiling at me.

“Hi,” I said.

“I’m Gray.”

“That’s an interesting name.”

He smiled. “Yeah, it’s a family name.”

“I’m Becca.”

He sat next to me. “How come I haven't seen you around before?”

“I’m normally chained to the ballet studio.”

“A dancer, huh?” His smile widened.

“Yup.” I was getting slightly uncomfortable. Something about the way he smiled put me on edge.

He slid closer to me on the couch. “How long have you been dancing?” he asked.

“All my life.”

“What else do you do for fun?”

“Not much, really. Dancing takes up a lot of my time.”

“Why don’t we go somewhere so you can show me some of your moves?”