The Haters (24 page)

I decided, fuck it, and breathed in as deep as I could. She smiled a little deeper and puffed out her cheeks. I puffed out my cheeks. She had freckles and bright red hair and a long, narrow face. I held it for a while.

Five minutes later I was done coughing violently, and trying to play bass again, except the world was chaos and existence was a nightmare.

27.
I GUESS YOU WOULD CALL IT A DRUG EXPERIENCE GONE WRONG, EXCEPT WHAT WOULD IT MEAN FOR A DRUG EXPERIENCE TO GO RIGHT, LIKE WOULD THAT JUST MEAN SITTING AROUND KIND OF INERTLY BLISSING OUT TO THINGS, LIKE A HAPPY VEGETABLE, BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW, THAT SOUNDS EVEN WORSE, LIKE IT'S SORT OF LIKE PREPARING TO DIE AS HAPPILY AS POSSIBLE

So I was still trying to concentrate on playing bass. But that had become increasingly difficult, due to the variety of terrible things happening in my head.

These things were mostly each taking the form of a different terrible Wes.

TRYING TO CONCENTRATE ON PLAYING BASS WES: ba-dup boobidy bump, ba dup bup

PERMANENT VIRGIN WES: hey

TTCOPB WES: ba-dup boobidy bump

PERMANENT VIRGIN WES: hey wes

TTCOPB WES: uh, hey

PERMANENT VIRGIN WES: hey i was just checking to see if we were still a virgin

TTCOPB WES: umm

PERMANENT VIRGIN WES: i mean i know we are so i guess i'm just checking to make sure you still know that

TTCOPB WES: yeah i know that

PERMANENT VIRGIN WES: okay good

BAD FRIEND WES: yo guys what's up

PERMANENT VIRGIN WES: that's probably never gonna change just so you know

BAD FRIEND WES: what's never gonna change? wes being a bad friend?

PERMANENT VIRGIN WES: no we're talking about wes being a virgin

BAD FRIEND WES: oh yeah

PERMANENT VIRGIN WES: and how wes is going to live his entire life without ever having sex with a woman because why would any woman ever want that

BAD FRIEND WES: right right because of his looks for example

PERMANENT VIRGIN WES: yeah he's always going to look like a little kid with his floppy hair and no muscles and women are going to look at him and think why would i want to have sex with a little kid

BAD FRIEND WES: yup

TTCOPB WES: um

PERMANENT VIRGIN WES: a little kid who probably has a little kid dick

WON'T EVEN HAVE A GIRLFRIEND EVER PROBABLY

WES: and cries like a little kid too a lot of the time

PERMANENT VIRGIN WES: oh wow you're even more pathetic than me

WON'T EVEN HAVE A GIRLFRIEND EVER PROBABLY WES: hahahahahahahahahaahha yup

PERMANENT VIRGIN WES: who even gives a shit about having a girlfriend

WON'T EVEN HAVE A GIRLFRIEND EVER PROBABLY WES: wes apparently

PERMANENT VIRGIN WES: maybe just start with hooking up with a girl first, except he can't even manage that

BAD FRIEND WES: yup yup yup to all of that hey have you ever noticed how wes thinks he's a great friend despite being the kind of best friend who feels and acts superior to you

TTCOPB WES: trying to concentrate here

BAD FRIEND WES: in his head he's constantly dicking on his best friend for having no sense of social cues or whatever which is ironic because he also has zero ability with social cues and at least corey is always honest about who he is and not pretending to be a fake better version of himself

WON'T EVEN HAVE A GIRLFRIEND EVER PROBABLY WES: yeah girls can smell the creepy dishonesty coming off of wes from a mile away

POOR ORAL HYGIENE WES: or maybe they're smelling the rancid dairy product smell that his breath sometimes has

TTCOPB WES: guys maybe we can cover all this later when i'm not trying to play bass

MUSICALLY UNCREATIVE WES: yeah about that

TTCOPB WES: oof

MUSICALLY UNCREATIVE WES: are you eventually
gonna play something interesting or is it just gonna be more of the same

ALSO JUST NOT A GREAT BASSIST WES: at least try to not drag tempo-wise

ALSO JUST NOT A GREAT BASSIST WES: okay now you're rushing

HIS ORIGINAL PARENTS DIDN'T EVEN WANT HIM WES: hey guys what are we talking about

ALSO JUST NOT A GREAT BASSIST WES: dragging again

MUSICALLY UNCREATIVE WES: we're talking about wes being not that great

HIS ORIGINAL PARENTS DIDN'T EVEN WANT HIM WES: yeah no kidding did you guys know that his original parents didn't even want him

PERMANENT VIRGIN WES: yup

BAD FRIEND WES: yup

POOR ORAL HYGIENE WES: yeah i knew that

HIS ORIGINAL PARENTS DIDN'T EVEN WANT HIM WES: okay just checking

HIS ADOPTIVE PARENTS FRANKLY AREN'T THAT INTO HIM EITHER WES: i feel like i should point out that his adoptive parents frankly aren't that into him either

TTCOPB WES: guys i know we're sort of having fun here joking about all of this but actually it's not really that funny

HIS ORIGINAL PARENTS DIDN'T EVEN WANT HIM WES: you're telling me it's not funny

MUSICALLY UNCREATIVE WES: it's brutal

PERMANENT VIRGIN WES: yeah i don't know about you guys but i'm not joking at all

HIS ADOPTIVE PARENTS FRANKLY AREN'T THAT INTO HIM EITHER WES: one thing that is funny though is wes's pathetic sense of wanting to be a dog to people who don't care as much about him as he wants them to

BAD FRIEND WES: oh yeah that is pretty funny

TTCOPB WES: guys it's getting a little hard to play bass right now

HIS ADOPTIVE PARENTS FRANKLY AREN'T THAT INTO HIM EITHER WES: i mean how hard does he have to work to ignore the fact that he's got two parents who in their ideal world wouldn't have him

HIS ORIGINAL PARENTS DIDN'T EVEN WANT HIM WES:
yup

HIS ADOPTIVE PARENTS FRANKLY AREN'T THAT INTO HIM EITHER WES: yeah i mean he's got parents who if they truly had what they wanted, they'd have some other kid right now, some kid whom they'd be biologically required to love way more than they love him, but that didn't work out so they're stuck with him instead, and they're being pretty nice about it and they mostly always have been because they're good people, but the only reason he's theirs is that they can't do any better, he's the plan b that happened because their plan a fell through

HIS ORIGINAL PARENTS DIDN'T EVEN WANT HIM WES: yeah and i would just add that he'll never be loved as much as he would if his birth mom and dad had kept him from day one and made him a part of their family and their lives, think about
the life that he was supposed to have that he's missing out on, he'd be living in caracas and speaking spanish and listening to who knows what kind of music and talking and fighting and laughing with his parents and maybe his brothers or sisters, who knows, and maybe he'd be poorer and maybe his whole situation would be super dysfunctional, but it would be real and you can't replace that

HIS ADOPTIVE PARENTS FRANKLY AREN'T THAT INTO HIM EITHER WES: yeah everyone involved decided that the right life for him was the one where he doesn't have the real thing, the authentic thing, every adult in his life decided that the thing he should get is just the good-enough thing, and

TTCOPB WES:
please quit

BAD FRIEND WES: oh for fuck's sake

BAD FRIEND WES: are you trying not to cry again

ALSO JUST NOT A GREAT BASSIST WES: jesus christ

PERMANENT VIRGIN WES: wes, we're just trying to help

WON'T EVEN HAVE A GIRLFRIEND EVER PROBABLY WES: yeah we're just trying to help you be honest with yourself for once

HIS ORIGINAL PARENTS DIDN'T EVEN WANT HIM WES: we just see you lying to yourself all the time and trying really hard and we're all standing around going, kid, come on, give up already

HIS ADOPTIVE PARENTS FRANKLY AREN'T THAT INTO HIM EITHER WES: you just don't seem to get that the harder you try, the less things work out for you

TTCOPB WES: please just let me play music and forget about all this shit just for a few minutes

TTCOPB WES: let me just focus on music just for a little while and try to make one good thing

MUSICALLY UNCREATIVE WES: but that's exhibit a, you sad stupid kid, because listen to what you're playing

ALSO JUST NOT A GREAT BASSIST WES: the harder you try to come up with interesting stuff, the less interesting you sound, the worse you play, so just give up

BAD FRIEND WES: exhibit b, think about corey, man, the harder you try to be a good friend, a good dog, the more obvious it is that that's just not what you're wired to do, because you're a fake and a fraud, so can you please give up already

WON'T EVEN HAVE A GIRLFRIEND EVER PROBABLY WES: exhibit c, ash, who clearly does not want some clingy needy sad-sack little kid chasing her around, and the more time you try to chase her down and win her over, the more you are that kid

PERMANENT VIRGIN WES: so give up, let her go, just give up

ALL WESES: give up, man

ALL WESES: give up

TAMBOURINE GIRL: hey are you okay?

What?

I said are you okay. You look a little sick. Let's get you some air.

Where would we get it from, though.

Outside.

Ohh.

Come with me. Take my hand.

Ohhhhhhhhhh.

How do you feel now?

Yes. Good. Yes. Ohhhh wow.

I'm shayin'.

You're shaying.

Shayin'.

Shay—
Saying
.

Ess-aytch-ay-ee, ay-enn-enn-ee.

Sheh—, Shuh-nay-nuh.

Nope. Essaytchayeeayennennee.

Shuhh. Oh my God. I can't spell.

Run your fingers through the grass.

Or, what's the backward of spell? When you take letters and make words out of them? There's a super basic word for that?

Take your fingers and run them through the grass, like
this
.

Oh my God. I've suffered permanent brain damage.

Just temporary brain damage.

Are you sure? How can I know for sure?

You know because you've damaged the part that would know that it's temporary.

I've damaged the part, that would know, that uh. Fuck.

You'll be fine. You're fine right now. You're perfect. You just need to breathe the air, and drink some of this.

Mmmmmmmp. Kay.

How's that.

Hhhhhmmmmhh. It's really good.

You need to be hydrated, because all life came from the sea.

Well, uh. I guess it did. In a sense.

In a sense, innocence.

Whoa. I never thought of that.

Repeat after me. Shae, Anne.

Shae, Anne.

ShaeAnne.

ShaeAnne.

Hello.

Wes. Uh, that's my name.

Hello, Wes-uh-that's-my-name. Do you want to walk with me?

Sure.

Walk next to me. Like this.

So do you live here?

Sometimes. When my mom goes on tour.

She's on tour now?

She's in Japan for another two weeks, then a week in South Korea. She sings with a jazz and world music choir.

Which one?

Do you know a lot of jazz and world music choirs?

Well, not a ton.

Which ones do you know.

Well.

. . .

I guess basically none.

My mom's is called the Cotopaxi Extraterrestrial Chorus.

Okay.

Sometimes they sing with Jon Anderson.

Okay.

He's the lead singer of a band called Yes.

Oh wow!

Wow?

Yeah, I mean, that's a big deal. The lead singer of Yes? That's huge. What's so funny.

Nothing.

What.

You're sweet.

I was wondering what's up with all the Gatorade everywhere.

Gatorade sponsors a lot of alternative religions. Not just ours.

Oh.

Has anyone told you about Jaroldism?

Um, not yet.

We need boys your age, so please just keep an open mind.

Will do, for sure.

. . .

Oh. That's a joke.

I like joking with you.

I was like, I guess now I'm in a cult for the rest of my life.

No, Uncle Jarold went to school with all those guys who started Gatorade, and he invested with them as soon as he could, and it did real well. He had a few investments that did real real well.

Ohhh. So having a house like this, it's not just from producing.

No. Uncle Jarold says, it's not enough just to make money. You have to make your money make
more
money before the government dives in and taxes it to pieces.

Welllllll.

. . .

Well, no. Never mind.

What.

Well, my parents are public school teachers, so you know, taxes, to me, I don't think of them as a bad thing
necessarily
, and

I don't talk politics. Chase me.

What?

Chase me!

Okay, you caught me. Now what are you going to do with me.

Yeah, just, hang on, one sec, because, woooo.

I'm hanging on.

Yeah, I just need to, catch my breath.

You better catch it soon, though.

Yeah, my lungs are just kind of fu

Too late!

I caught up to her at the hot tub. It was a big wide hot tub on the deck. She just slipped right into it. Clothes and all. A bunch of people were already in there. Cookie was in there. Ash was too. Big Pritch was in there with his chest fur trapping hot tub water like dew. A couple others I thought I recognized and three I thought I didn't. It was big enough not to be crowded.

Ash didn't make eye contact with me. I didn't make eye contact with her.

Well get in here, Fast and Furious, said Cookie.

I was still kind of shaky but trying not to show it. I stripped to my boxers. It seemed to take an hour. I got in between ShaeAnne and Big Pritch. The water was incredible. It was like stepping into a cloud of God's breath.

ShaeAnne was ducking underwater and hanging out for what seemed like a suicidally long time. Then the surface of the water would give birth to her panting, gasping, laughing head.

Big Pritch rotated his big round beard-lifeboated head to me like the turret of a tank. He had squid eyes.