The Heart's Ashes (90 page)

“
Yes, I can. He’s my dad. I know he’s my dad, David. It can’t
be true.”

“
My love, we don’t know anything yet. These are all just
theories. Just—” he embraced me; I went reluctantly. “We’ll figure
this out together, but you’ve just got to let it go for
now.”

“
Why? Why are you so quick to keep me from this,
David?”

He moistened
his lips and looked away. “This is big, Ara. You need to be
focusing on the Blood Warriors, right now. They’re coming to kill
us, remember? And your dad may not even be aware he’s not your
biological father. We just don’t know enough to go in there
demanding facts.”

“
You’re right.” I nodded. “I’ll wait.”
Wait until you’re not with me, that is—then I’ll talk to
Dad.

“
Thank you, Ara. Thank you for trusting me.”

“
Well, you always know what’s best for me.” I smiled.
Doesn’t mean I have to listen.

“
I promise you—” he looked into my eyes, “—I will not rest
until I uncover the truth.”

Me either
. I hugged him just a
little tighter.

David flicked
out the bathroom light and disappeared under fingers of darkness.
“What you thinkin’?” he asked casually, suddenly leaning on his
elbow beside my head.

“
Nothin’.”

He pressed his
lips together, but his eyes smiled. “I wish I could read your
mind—it made things so much easier.”

“
For one of us, maybe. I prefer it this way.”

“
I thought you liked it when I could read your
mind.”

“
That was before I discovered how good life is without you
invading my headspace all the time.”

He rolled over
and laid on his back, linking his fingers behind his head. “That’s
because it means you can keep things from me, now.”

“
Hang on.” I rolled up on my elbow. “What would I possibly be
keeping from you?”

“
I don’t know.” He shrugged. “All I do know is that you’re
quiet—a lot, and you flinch if I come up suddenly, and—” He
paused.

“
And?”

“
And we’ve had six arguments in the last forty-one-hours.” He
looked at me.

“
So, you’re saying I’m being hostile?”

“
No, sweetheart, just that you’re…” he bit his lip.

“
That I’m what? Maybe a little edgy still, since I was
tortured to death, literally, then resurrected and rescued, only to
kill my husband, burn him alive, then watch him struggle to
recover. God!” I huffed and laid on my back, slamming onto the bed.
“You’re so insensitive.”

“
I’m not insensitive, Ara. You’re just antagonistic, lately. I
can’t say anything without it turning into an argument.” He leaned
up on his elbows. “What’s going on with you? Is there something you
wanna talk about?”

Maybe—but I don’t want to talk about it.
I let out a long, chest-sinking breath, and in my head,
jumped up off the bed, towered over him with waving arms and
screamed at him for everything nasty he did to his brother. All the
torment, all the pain—it caused all of this. If Jason had never
tortured me at the masquerade, none of this would’ve
happened.
And I’m so mad at you,
my brain continued, pacing.
You never told me any of that, never let me into your past.
In fact, worse, you went a step further than just not telling me,
and actually did everything you could think of to keep me from any
truths about yourself. I love you,
I
wanted to say.
I know you’re good, but I
can’t help but feel like, maybe, I don’t really know you at all,
and that makes me angry—at nearly everything you say. I just feel
like it’s all crap!

“
Penny for your thoughts,” he said, suddenly right in front of
my face, smiling down at me.

I smiled back.
He makes it so hard to be mad at him. “I was thinking about
Jason.”

“
Jason?” David drew back a little and sat up.

“
Yeah.” I sat up too. “When you were kids, did you ever play
in the wide f—”

“
Ara. I can’t talk about this.”

“
Why?”

“
My brother is dead, okay.” His whole body went rigid; he
stared at me, eyes hollow, polluted with a kind of…anger. “I don’t
want to talk about my childhood, of all things.”

“
But—”

“
No buts.” He rolled away and pulled the blanket over his
shoulders. “That’s the end of this discussion.”

My mouth fell
open a little as a tingling layer of hurt surrounded me. Well,
fine. Guess that’s it for tonight then—for our last night together
for who knows how long.

I shuffled
down under the blanket and rolled the other way, shifting as far
away from David as my queen-size bed would allow.

Summer kissed
her skin, glowing off her yellow dress, and she laid on her belly
in the long grass under the tree, picking petals off a daisy. “He
loves me—” she sent one floating on the breeze. “He loves me
not.”

Overly
hesitant this time, I looked on, prepared for more truths about
this self of mine I didn’t remember.

She swung her
legs gently back and forth, her dress rising slightly in the wind,
revealing her white underwear. I wanted to reach out and pull it
down, but knew my hands would fall straight through her.

“
He loves me.” She picked another petal and threw it away,
rolling onto her back, her wavy hair splaying out, brown against
green. “He loves me not.”

“
He loves you.” Jason clasped a hand over the daisy, dropping
to the ground beside her.

“
Where did you come from?” The girl sat up, ditching the
flower.

“
Well, when a mummy and daddy vampire love each other very
much—”

“
Ha-ha.” She slapped his shoulder with the back of her hand.
“Very funny, Jason. You just sprung up out of nowhere. I didn’t
know you were here today.”

He motioned to
the gentle breeze making the leaves dance above them; “It’s sunny,
isn’t it? Aren’t I always here when it’s sunny?”

“
No, it’s always sunny when you’re here—there’s a
difference.”

Jason smiled
softly and brushed the backs of his fingers over the side of her
face, sweeping her hair back as he did. “You have grass in your
hair.”

The girl
smiled and reached down beside her, ripping up a handful of the
green field, then sprinkled it onto Jason’s head. “So do you.”

Jason’s Cheshire cat grin warmed even
my
heart from where I stood,
watching, looking on like some outsider who’d never lived this
moment.

“
That’s it.” He lunged toward her, landing between her legs as
the long grass curved up around them. “Now you will pay the price
for my new turfpee.”

“
Turfpay?”

“
Yeah, like toupee, but made of turf.”

She cackled
like a small child. “And, what might that price be, kind sir, for
your new trufpee?”

“
A kiss.”

“
Just a kiss?”

“
At first. Then—” he leaned closer, “—you can promise me one
more, every day, for the rest of your life.”

She smiled and
closed her eyes. “One, for now. And if you make it sweet, I’ll give
you something more.”

I fell
suddenly under the weight of Jason’s body, taking form as his lips
touched hers, becoming mine, and the feel of him, so real, so
solid, set my heart jumping. I sat bolt upright, sweat beading on
my brow, cooling under the wintry chill of the absent day in my
bedroom.

David didn’t
even stir. I watched him, waiting, but he stayed heavily under the
restful dreams that seemed to belong to everyone in this house but
me.

I threw the
covers back and jumped out of bed, desperate for some fresh
air.

Stars greeted
me with glimmering smiles, and night air kissed my cheeks with
frosty lips. The intensity of my dream or mind-link or memory came
with me though, despite the quiet and the calm out by the lake.

I folded my
arms and fought back tears.

At my feet,
the moonlight offered me a reflection, wavering like steam in the
almost still lake. And the girl I looked upon, who I’d seen so many
times in my life, was no longer a stranger. She had done
unspeakable things with another man, lived another life in dreams I
couldn’t remember, but the truth, deep inside, is that we were the
same. What she has done, so have I, and I can no longer deny that
her reflection is mine.

The grief took over then and I folded in on myself, dropping
to my knees in front of the lake. The girl reached out as I rested
my hand to the cool water, letting my fingers sink through her
face. And she cried too, because she knew what I felt, knew what
I’d suffered. I wanted to see him behind her—to see Jason, to look
upon him once more. To tell him what I couldn’t tell my husband;
that I
am
antagonistic lately, because, inside, I’m grieving—crying out
for someone I shouldn’t be missing; regretful for the way he died,
for what he lost, suffered in the moments that lead to his
death.

And all Jason
wanted was for me to take his life—free myself from the burden of
the bind—the very thing that, I had to believe, was making me feel
love for him, sitting here, alone, by the lake, in the middle of
the night.

“
Ara?” The warmth of a jacket draped over my shoulders, and
David rubbed his hands up my arms a few times. “What are you doing
out here—you’ll catch a cold.”

“
I won’t catch a cold.” I stood up and shook the water off my
hands. “I don’t get sick.”

“
Actually, Lilithians can get sick. I’d rather not test the
boundaries.” He stood so far behind me, as if he was afraid or
maybe just too angry to touch me. “Why are you crying?”

“
I—” I couldn’t tell him about the dream, but I wanted to so
badly. I wanted to tell him my grief. But, when Jason died,
something broke in David’s heart. He’d never had to live with
mortality before; he’d always had Jason there to fight with, or
ignore to make a point. I actually believed David grieved Jason’s
loss, silently—like I did. But out in the open, the truth would
make us both sick, to know that the other felt anything for him
after what he did to us. So I took a deep breath and said, “I’m
just scared about tomorrow—about meeting the
Lilithians.”

“
I know.” He nodded softly.

“
Can’t you just come with me—hide, maybe live in the bedroom
or something?”

David laughed out a short breath. “I wish I could, but I have
work to do here, Ara. Being dead—or supposedly dead—gives me an
advantage other vampires don’t have. No one will be looking for me.
I can track Drake without being noticed. And besides,
someone
has to do a
better job of researching your genealogy than Morgaine
has.”

I nodded,
wandering over to fall into his waiting arms. “I’m sorry we’re
fighting.”

“
We’re just stressed, Ara-Rose.”

“
Even then, we should be supporting each other when we find it
hard, not arguing.”

“
I know. And it gives true definition to our vows, don’t you
think? That even being immortal does not free us of the struggle to
keep our promises; to love and honour, for better or worse. But, I
am in love with you. And despite my failures as a husband in the
last day and a half, I know that when all’s said and done, I care
how you feel, and fighting or none, my life is nothing without
you.”

I nodded
against his shirt. “One day we’ll know what it feels like just to
be in love, without laws and prophecies coming between us.”

“
No, my love.” He sighed, tangling his fingers in my hair. “I
don’t think we will.”

The sombre
tune illustrated the pain in my heart; the sorrow of a soon to be
absent lover; the sting of goodbye. Closing my eyes, I let myself
feel the rise and fall of my breath, and the warm, flowing
sensation of the energy in my fingertips—the energy that radiated
out as I played, electrifying the white keys, making them glow.

“
Sad?” said a smooth voice.

“
Is it that obvious?” I rolled my head back, keeping my eyes
closed as David kissed my brow.

“
Your light is blue; it’s usually a hundred different
colours.”

“
Really? I never noticed.” I chose to keep my eyes closed
these days, finding it hard to deal with this supernatural string
of electricity flickering around my fingertips when I played. With
my eyes closed, I could still just be human here.

“
It bothers you.” David sat beside me.

“
Yes.”

“
If it’s any consolation, Ara, it’s very beautiful. Like
watching birds dance on a summer’s breeze.”

I smiled,
allowing my mind away from the shadow of immanent pain. Just now,
in this moment, I am home. There is love around me, family, safety.
Later, when I arrive at Loslilian manor, I’ll be someone else—no
longer just a girl.

And that’s the funny part about it all really. I
am
just a girl, but to
the Lilithians, I’m already a princess—powerful and strong. They
know nothing of me—of my story, of my life. They never
will.