The Home For Wayward Ladies (28 page)

I am spared from having to re-decline his offer when I spot my luggage hurdling down the ramp. “I’ve got to go; I need both hands to get myself to the curb. I’ll think about the cruise, darling. I promise. Love you oodles and buh-bye.”

I hit the End Call button before he has a chance to beg. Then, as soon as my phone is back in my pocket, it vibrates again. Whoever is calling will have to wait; my Vuitton Keepall currently requires my undivided attention. I manage to get it off the belt and to the cabstand. There, I am surrounded by the lowliest of commoners. It’s an impossibly harsh way to return home, especially after traveling in excess like Evita on the Rainbow Tour. 

I suppose that what they say is true: as soon as you make a name for yourself, everybody wants a piece. My cab has barely pulled away from the terminal when my phone rings yet again. It’s Hunter. I consider sending him to voicemail, but I can’t. He won’t stop calling until I answer. Also, I am certain to be the only one with a bucket of water to put out whatever fire Eli’s started this time. It’s my duty as a Lady to field his call, but that doesn’t mean I have to be nice. “Hunter- this better be some kind of goddamn emergency. I have an interview on XM Radio in an hour. I can’t keep the media waiting.”

He stammers like Cogsworth in
Beauty and the Beast
. “Sh-sh-should I call you back?”

“To the contrary, I have answered this call to prevent any further interruption. You have my attention for the next three minutes. Go.”

He meekly replies. “I need your help.”

Ugh, what else is new?
“Why?” I ask. “What did Eli do this time?”

“Actually, this isn’t about Eli- at least not entirely. But there is another boy that’s causing me grief. You see there’s a gentleman in our cast that goes by the name Mickey.”

“Tick tock,” I say, “get to the juicy stuff. Is this Mickey fellow cute?”

“Yes, I suppose he is. Well, that is to say- I suppose he
was
.”

“What? Someone in your cast died?”

“Oh, heavens no.” Hunter manages a laugh. “But they did have to admit him to the hospital. He collapsed during yesterday’s technical rehearsal. We were told by management- and I use that term loosely -that we are not to worry. Our new friend Robin assures us that the doctors in the area are stupendous. They’ve already administered a great number of tests on the poor dear. You’ll never guess what’s put him there.”

I’ll never guess because I’ll never care. “OD?”

“Not to my knowledge, no. But remember how I told you of the reprehensible state of staff housing? Well, unfortunately, the diagnosis for Mickey’s collapse was- get this -contamination from black mold. Doesn’t it make your skin want to crawl off the bone? Well, when Eli and I moved into Robin’s estate, Mickey took our old room in the beauty salon. Sleeping there turned out to be deadly.”

I understand why he has called so I cut to the chase. “And now you’re having a meltdown because it could have been you. Lady, you can’t let this become some OCD
Nightmare on Elm Street
. Take a deep breath. The estate that you’re living in is perfectly safe- with or without being residence to Eli Bodner-Schultz.”

“I appreciate you saying so, but I haven’t called you for a pep talk. Along with Mickey, it’s our show that’s got one foot in the grave. Nicholas, we open this weekend and the doctors say the boy won’t possibly recover in time. Eli and I have discussed our extremely limited options. We both agree that you would be wonderful.”

“Hunter, it’s not a question as to whether or not I would be wonderful. That’s implicit; Nicholas Applebaum is never anything less than wonderful. But, Lady, as tempting as your offer is not, I’m exhausted. I’ve put in one-nighters in ten different states over the past three weeks. You’re asking me for my only layover before I have to hit the unfriendly skies and do it all again. There simply aren’t enough pieces of me left to go around.”

Hunter’s silence speaks volumes. When he attempts to talk again, the disappointment in his voice is more powerful than water to a witch. “I suppose you’re right. It is too much to ask. We’ll figure something out. Eli and I always do. I just thought that… no, it’s silly; never mind.”

“I’m not in the mood to play games. Don’t start a sentence that you’re not willing to finish. You just thought that what?”

“Fine. I just thought that maybe you might miss us as much as we miss you. I imagine it must be fun to live your life like Marco Polo, traveling the provinces while collecting fine spices and silks. But such travels should not be made without a tether to the place where you come from. Without the tie that binds, you can’t help but lose perspective on how much you’ve changed. And, my, how you’ve changed, Nicholas nėe Nick. Honestly, I applaud you. What used to be our Lady has become the world’s Grande Dame.”

When used correctly, friendship is the most powerful weapon known to man. “Hunter, stop, I have been worried about you. Honestly, I have.”

He huffs, “Well you sure have a funny way of showing it. Things are getting bad again for me, Lady. Yesterday morning when I went to tie my shoe, I found poetry stuffed in it. Eli tucked it there. It took me twenty minutes to feel safe enough put that shoe on. Even then, I felt the need to tie and untie it so many times that my wrists went numb. All to satisfy my craving. The symptoms are back, Nicholas. They’re lurking in the shadows, hidden away where no one else can see. But I see them, Nick. They’re coming for me. And I’m scared. I’m so, so scared.” 

---

The interview with Seth Rudetsky for XM goes as well as can be expected. Naturally, my Ladies lay heavy on my mind, but I do my best to stay focused. Thankfully, if there’s one thing I learned from my past life as a serial first-dater, it’s how to sell myself. And since I’m on satellite radio, they tell me I can swear, which I do often.

Seth has me sing from my show. I knock him dead with a rendition of
The Rose
. While I’m singing, I imagine my Ma at home in an armchair with tears in her eyes. But since XM isn’t free and there’s no way Tilly Applebaum is going to pay to hear the radio, I know that she’s not listening. It’s a shame too because I sound fucking fantastic.

Danny even tells me so after we call it a wrap. He whispers in my ear after he nibbles on its lobe, “I’m so proud of you.” And, you know what? There’s a part of me that’s finally proud of myself too. I’m slowly becoming a name on everybody’s lips even if mine belong solely to him. But to think again of my dear, sweet, dysfunctional Ladies, I know that there are things I have done for which I should be ashamed. An oath was made and an oath has been broken.   

“Since it’s all smooth sailing from here,” Danny says, “what do you say about going on that cruise?”

I cup his handsome face in my hands when I reply. “Danny, you miraculous man, I would love to but I can’t. I have to get to the Poconos. My Ladies need me.”

33

HUNTER

Tina Louise and I patiently await the arrival of Nicholas at the bus station that lies a few miles outside of town. It seems fitting that my covert operation should be veiled by the darkness of night. Even with no chance of being recognized, discretion is preferred. Every time I leave the estate, the eyes of the Potato People— that’s the term Robin coined to describe the locals —seem to follow. They all look at me as if they can see my sins. They are repulsed by everything that makes me who I am. I see how their fat faces contort in disgust as I mince by. Thirty-nine lashes would not rectify the disgrace they think I am against their hateful God. 

Foolish of me, I know, but I thought that life up north would somehow be different. I was mistaken. Yankees are no gentler than the Rebels are genteel. Why, just yesterday on our drive to visit poor, beautiful Mickey in the hospital, we passed the burnt out remains of four different pizza parlors. They had each been reduced to rubble. Charred out empty lots with nothing left standing but their brick ovens. Naturally, I questioned Robin about this phenomenon.

“How can there have been so many accidents?” I asked. “It seems so careless.”

“My dear boy,” Robin replied, “careless, yes; accident, no. All in life is pre-ordained and competition yields desperation among the desperate. With all these pizza joints burned to the ground, mysteriously forced to disappear, I’m sure you’ve noticed the only one left that’s still serving up pies. In fact, you know the owner: Mr. Teddy Vallenzino.”

“That’s a hairy coincidence.”

“The hairiest I’ve ever seen,” he replied. “Sometimes a lit match is the best way to freeze out the competition.”

“Can’t something be done to stop him?”

“There’s nothing to be done. In these parts, Vallenzino is unstoppable. It’s my guess he pays the firefighters to not respond in time and the cops to look the other way.”

“But so many people’s lives are left in ruin,” I say. “Even these French-fried Potato People must be capable of outrage.”

“They aren’t capable of washing under their arms, let alone affecting justice. Besides, they make more money on the insurance than they would in a lifetime of selling half-pepperoni/half-sausage. I’m sure you’ve noticed from the non-existent line at our box office that business in these parts is far from booming.”

I am lost in a panoply of paranoia by the time Nick’s bus arrives. There is a tap at my window. He must have spotted Tina Louise. I attempt to rise to greet him. It takes a moment to revive my comatose legs. Somehow, he looks more sure of himself than ever before, a feat I had deemed unimaginable until now.

“Lady!” he wails and then hugs me so tight he almost punctures my lung. “Aren’t you a sight for sore eyes?”

“Thank you so much for coming, Nicholas. I can’t tell you how much this means.”

“You can tell me all about it later.” He glances at his new Cartier watch, another gift from Danny no doubt. “I’ve got 47 hours until curtain. Get me to the theater so I can start learning this show. We haven’t a second to lose.”

His enthusiasm revs my motor along with that of Tina Louise. With no time to spare, I dart into traffic. A minivan lays on its horn. I shrug off the disruption without looking the driver in the eyes. Another Potato Person, I presume, on their way to pick up carryout from Vallenzino’s Pizza.

I was hoping Nicholas might not question any of the circumstances surrounding his arrival. Obstinate as ever, that’s the first thing that he does. “Eli couldn’t be bothered to get off his duff and join my welcome wagon?”

Nicholas’ wrath is too formidable to consider divulging the truth. Instead, I settle on excuses that I hope will quell the beast. “The captain of a sinking ship cannot be the first man to the lifeboats. Eli’s stuck at rehearsal. If you hold tight, you will be too.”

As we pull into the lot at the Show Barn, his response is appropriately displeased. “Wow- what a fucking shithole.”

“You don’t know the half of it,” I reply. “A word to the wise: don’t drink from the tap in the dressing room. Water here runs orange. And before you ask; yes- we’ve tried a Brita. After one cycle, the filter collected more mineral deposits than the prospectors sifted throughout the entire gold rush.”

There’s so much I want to tell him- everything, in fact, except the truth. I see Eli frantically smoking a cigarette on the broken bench out front. His face is contorted in a mask of aggravation. Something Vicki likely caused. I try not to act nervous as I throw open the car door. “Well, here goes nothing,” I say, swallowing my own vomit as we press on. “Surprise!”

“Surprise?” Nicholas turns to me with a ferocity typically reserved for the Reverend Fred Phelps. “What do you mean ‘surprise?’”

I step forward like a condemned man preparing to climb the gallows. It won’t take long for the hangman to tighten the noose, so I rush to confess my sins. “Eli doesn’t know that I called you. Please don’t be cross. Run and give him a hug before he tries to knock out our teeth.”

Eli has no opportunity to gain his bearings before he’s tackled by Nicholas’ embrace. The hug makes him teeter like a bowling pin. “What the fuck are you doing here?” he says, shucking himself free.

“From the little I understand,” Nicholas says, “I’m here to save your bloated ass. Your gratitude can be expressed by taking me inside and teaching me this godforsaken show before I change my mind. Oh, and Eli darling, it’s a pleasure to see you too.”